Classic funny jokes

1, I don't want to follow the rules, I want to resign! So I went into the boss's office and said loudly, "I have something to say!" " I've been in jail for a long time! "As a result, he hugged me and said," Don't say anything. It's been five years. Come and be the boss's wife. "

2. Just after dinner, there was a couple sitting opposite the roadside shop, and the girl got up and went out after eating. The boy pulled the plate and ate the leftovers without saying a word, and instantly felt full of love. After a while, the girl came back with a bottle of drink, looked at the clean plate and said to the boy, damn it, you robbed me of my meal before I finished eating.

In the face of everyone's puzzled eyes, he cried with injustice: you only saw my well-dressed side, but you didn't know how difficult it was for me to come out step by step. Several migrant workers didn't listen to his explanation and shouted: Don't drop your schoolbag for us. The cement road we just smoothed has trampled so many holes in you. What did you say?/Sorry?

I made an appointment with my girlfriend to meet at the station, but I couldn't find her when I arrived. I called her and said there was a cyclist next to her, and then I looked around. Where can I find a cyclist here? Finally, I found her, and she pointed to a child pushing a stroller and said to me, is this wrong?

5. Wife: Blow out the candles! Me: Can I make a wish and blow again? Wife: What are you talking about? Me: Next birthday, I hope my wife will put a cake for me under the candle!

6. Dress up as a queen or fairy with sheets or something, and quit after the age of six. Well, I played mahjong for four people at home alone. I have lines, and we can still talk. Finally, we quarreled. In a rage, damn it, I smashed the mahjong table myself!

7. I remember when I was a child, there was a kind of earth wall in the village. My friends all kicked it with their feet, and it was all crumbling. At that time, I saw too many ironworkers and directly hit my head. As a result, the wall fell down and people woke up in the hospital!

8. Going to the barber's tonight, the barber brother asked me what hairstyle to cut. I said how to cut it as handsome as possible. The barber brother stood behind me for more than ten minutes, not knowing how to start.

9. When my daughter-in-law opened a shop, one day my 5-year-old son came to the shop to play, and the weather changed in the afternoon. The proprietress of the shop next door said it was going to rain. The son replied, you are God, and it rains when you say it rains! Laughing us to death!

10 "Hans, why did you quit your job in X Fire Factory?" "Their calculations are too accurate. Last time I loaded gunpowder, it exploded. I flew in the air before I fell, but the factory deducted my bonus and said I wouldn't work in the air for six seconds. "

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12, three cowards walk at night. A asked B, "Are you afraid of ghosts?" B said, "I'm afraid." A asked C, "Are you afraid of ghosts?" C also said, "I'm afraid." A said, "It doesn't matter, I'm not afraid. One of you walks in front of me, the other walks behind me, and I will protect you both in the middle! "

13, once two cousins went to buy train tickets, and the girl who sold the tickets said that there were only standing tickets and asked if they wanted them. The boss took the sentence and gave us two tickets next to each other. The little girl said that she was standing at the second child's place, and then came back with a sentence and stood by the window ~ well, the little girl who sold the ticket cried! !

14, ex-boyfriend used to be funny. Once I heard a beautiful song on the road. He said it was really beautiful, but I don't know the name. I said that WeChat will be known by shaking it. He was particularly surprised: didn't WeChat shake people nearby? He is thoughtful, ah, I see, you shake people around, then add him to WeChat, play this song to him, and ask him what song is right? I laughed to death.

15, waiting for my friend at the airport, a couple came by and sat next to me. This woman has big breasts and tattoos on her chest. She is wearing a skirt. After a while, the woman still took pictures of the man and began to stand. Later, she squatted down in front of me. I just want to say: white!

16, in the evening, my wife said to her husband: Dear, don't go to the beer hall today! I am so lonely at home alone. I understand, Eliza. However, if I stay at home, then we will both be lonely.

17, there is a lazy person who is too lazy to be surprised. My wife wants to shave noodles and let him borrow panels from his neighbor's house. He said, "if you don't borrow it, cut it on my back!" " "His wife finished cutting noodles on his back and asked him," Does it hurt? "He said," it hurts, and I'm too lazy to say anything. "

18, Grandpa celebrated his 70th birthday today, and all the villagers came to congratulate him. An uncle who has always had a bad relationship with my family said, congratulations, I hope to attend your 80th birthday ... Grandpa said it seriously for a long time, young man, you are in good health, you will have a chance, don't be afraid. ...

19. Walking in the community, I saw a cute little girl of five or six years old, so I squatted on the ground and made faces at her to tease her. However, after teasing for a long time, the little girl was still indifferent. She felt very embarrassed and got up and walked away. Just a few steps later, I heard the little girl and her children say, "This psycho scared me to death."

20. Do you know? I really want to take you out to experience the charm of KTV! Do you know what KTV is? Then k stands for you, t stands for you, and finally I'll make a V gesture!

2 1, I was watching TV at home with my date during the holiday, and that guy suddenly said to me, honey, can we never be apart in this life? I was moved to nod, only to see that she took a pear from behind and chewed it herself. Eating alone is so sensational, and life is all routine, which is the first experience of Ma X!

22. Because I am timid, I have slept with my sister since I was a child. My sister got married today, so I can only sleep by myself. I can't help crying. My sister cried when she saw me crying. Sister, don't cry. My sister will accompany you in the future, and your brother-in-law will take care of you for a long time.

23. Every time my husband's cousin's children come home, there are a lot of disasters. Oil hands felt everywhere, furniture, sofas, telephones, tables and chairs, and things were pulled all over the house. Every time I clean up the house in vain, I really don't like it, but I feel like a child, but I still can't control my anger every time. Is it too narrow-minded?

At a big family gathering, my sister-in-law who just got her driver's license offered to drive to go shopping. Not long after the holiday car went out, she regretted it. There is a crossroads that she can't cross. Sister-in-law got off and ran to the side of the road and asked the traffic police to help her drive to the parking line and take a taxi home. The family went out to eat.

25. A net bug asked his wife to make a good wish at her birthday party. When she saw the net worm, her hands closed. Close your eyes and say, "I hope my face becomes like a computer screen and my body becomes like a mouse ..."

26. Husband and friends go to dinner, and there is no place. They waited in the car because of the hot weather. Ten minutes later, the store greeted them for dinner, and they all entered the store. After dinner, I can't find my car keys. As soon as I pulled the door, it opened! What's even more amazing is that the car didn't even go out! This heart is as big as it is!

27, watching TV on the sofa, my wife came over with a big bottle of coke and asked me to help unscrew it. I screwed it for a long time, but it didn't come off. My wife looked disgusted: I'll go to Mr. Wang next door for help! After a few minutes, I heard my wife calling: push, push! I burst out laughing. Didn't he twist for a long time?

28. Chen cursor: With 200,000 yuan in cash, 2 million yuan in check, 120 people and 60 sets of construction machinery, he traveled day and night from Jiangsu and Anhui, and arrived at the disaster area almost at the same time as Team X, becoming the first non-governmental team to reach the earthquake-stricken area spontaneously.

29. Dad was watching TV while smoking in the living room. When he saw me coming back, he handed me one. I just lit a cigarette when my father suddenly took a photo and sent it to a circle of friends: my son smoked at home, making the room smell of smoke and angry. Then he said to me: Your mother will be off work soon, and the smell of smoke at home will not go away for a while. Run!

Although success is equal to one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. But this one percent inspiration is ten thousand times more important than this ninety-nine perspiration. Newton can relate apples to gravity. And you are the apple in the sky that killed you, and you just died unsatisfied.

3 1, Boyfriend: My dog bit the creditor today, and I took it to the vet station. Girlfriend: Want to kill it? Boyfriend: No, I want to sharpen its teeth.

32. I had a fight with my classmates and made an appointment. The other party found a dozen people, so I had to call my brother. My brother drove a broken car and got off to find each other. Two slaps, one foot falls. Then he came up to me and said, damn it, you're looking for so many people. I said, no, he found all this. Then my brother turned blue.

33. I confessed to my female classmate in the evening, and she implicitly agreed. When we went shopping together, I got up the courage to hold her hand, and she was a little embarrassed. To ease the embarrassment, I said, "Holding your hand is like holding a dog." Then, no then. ...

34. I watched the children sleep during the noon nap today. They all seemed to be asleep, so I went out to get something. When I came back, I heard a voice. When I walked by, all the talking children pretended to be asleep. I said to a talkative child, "XX, are you asleep?" The lovely child who spoke nodded.

I received a strange phone call today. A sweet voice on the other end of the phone asked, "hello, sir!" I'm China Mobile. Do you need broadband? " Me: "Ah! Wait, I said sister paper, isn't the mobile phone number 10086? How to use electrical signals? " Guess what she said: "it's like you have a wife but you still have to pick up girls!" " "I was speechless.

36. I thought I did poorly in math when I was a child, but I was very inspirational. I sat on a small bench and watched how steel was tempered on the balcony. Suddenly my dad appeared and shouted, "You study hard at math and you won't be able to make steel in the future. It doesn't matter how the fucking steel is made! ! "

37. A 60-year-old rich bachelor fell in love with a much younger woman. He went to consult Voltaire, a French satirist. "I want to marry her, but I'm afraid telling her my real age will disappoint her and refuse to marry me. So I want to tell her that I am only 50 years old ... ""That can't be done! " Voltaire replied, "You should tell her that you are 70 years old."

38. The teacher handed out the paper: "Pork belly! Pork belly! " The whole class laughed. The teacher said, "Who didn't get the paper?" A student stood up. Teacher: "What's your name?" The student said, "My name is Zhu Yuepo.

39. In high school, many brothers drank too much and went to karaoke bars. Xueyou and Jiaju were popular at that time. A brother ordered the love of a tracker. Before BS, this product was already singing loudly: Big waves on my sister's chest! Brother has a long snake in his crotch! Brother wants to take off his sister layer by layer. . Laughing and spitting, the girl at the next table hurried to check out. . The boss has a black face.

40. often play with your girlfriend: female: do you want to face it? Me: How much is a catty? Woman: 200. Just give me 400. Me: I can't afford it. Give me half a catty cheaper. Woman: It can be counted as 300. Shit, I still can't afford it. I just don't want it.

4 1, a certain unit conducted a military exercise, and everything went as planned, but there was something wrong with the artillery, and a shell missed. The troops immediately sent troops to investigate. This situation was found in a vegetable field. I saw a man lying next to the vegetable field and said, the police are really powerful now. I took two cabbages and peeled them.

42. My mother: "Son, haven't you met anyone yet?" Me: "Yes." Mom: "That warm man is very popular now. Many girls like that type, and you are also developing in that direction. " Me: "How can I develop like this?" Mom: "Come on, put on these long pants first!" " "

Recently, female friends have often harassed male passengers on Jinan buses in the past two days. As a just person, I can't ignore it. I resolutely quit my job in Shanghai and went straight to the incident. I want to come forward and have something to do with me. Leave those innocent male passengers alone!

44. At the station (there are people who sell scratch music), you often meet old people who beg for money. When I first arrived at the station, I didn't know. She asked us for money, but she didn't give it. Later, I saw her ask someone else for money and then use it to buy scratch music. Hehe, is this really good? Good thing I didn't give it. It's really a pit. It's all routine.

45. Recently, there was a video of a Land Rover hitting a Jaguar. Land Rover crashes and leaves safely. I heard the truth is like this! Xiamen Land Rover told Jaguar owners to move their cars, but Jaguar didn't come for more than an hour. Finally, I was told on the phone that I was so slow, so wait slowly and bump out if you can. Then this sentence was recorded by the Land Rover owner, and the recording was taken to the police for the record. He was knocked down in front of the police and drove away!

46. I am often asked: Are you all right? You look tired. You look suspicious. Are you angry? Are you sick? I replied in a unified way: I look like this.

47. An old man who told fortune in a street stall was robbed of more than 1000 threads by a passenger riding a motorcycle. He cried bitterly and called 1 10. The onlookers jokingly asked, master, can't it be a horse? Why did you call the police? The fortune teller replied painfully that the secret should not be revealed. What a pity!

48. In Chinese class, the teacher asked the students to make sentences with "one two". A: During military training, the instructor shouted, one two one, one two one. B: Mathematics is exquisite. One and two equals two, and two equals four. Xiaoming: There are one or two Chinese teachers in our class. Teacher: Get out …

49. The marriage counselor asked the couple to list all kinds of things that upset them on paper. Ten minutes later, the husband raised his hand and said, "I can't write." "That's good!" The wife said, "Marriage shouldn't be too critical of each other, right?" "There is not enough paper to write!"

50. Today, I saw an advertisement posted by a matchmaking agency, "As long as 280, my girlfriend will take it home!" I was so excited that I went in and paid the membership fee. The boss took out an inflatable X doll and said to me, "Now you can take her back to do what you want!" " I slapped the table angrily: "You are totally cheating! And this glue is not very good! It is easy to leak! "

5 1. After drinking, I rode an electric car home alone. On the way, he met the traffic police to check the drunk driving, so he had to blow it. The traffic police said: "The battery car doesn't need to blow, so hurry back." The man rode away on a battery car. After 10 minutes, he drove back and got off the bus and said, "Now I can blow!" " "It turned out that he was really drunk, this guy, really drunk!