I need funny jokes badly. . . Do you want something without color? . . Good will set each other off and become interesting, plus points.

1. When I was a child, I ate dishonestly. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me, "Sixty years of hard work. I have no food, and I never spit out my nose. "

Second, there is a rich man looking for a servant. The topic of the interview is going to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands. So the rich sent them away. Only one person washed his hands, so the rich man left him. But one day, the rich man found that he didn't wash his hands when he came out. The rich man asked him why. The servant replied, "I brought toilet paper today ..."

A man saw a big sale in a shop and went in. "What do you want?" "I want to buy dog food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a rule?" "This is the case with goods on sale." The man has been grinding with the salesman for a long time, but the salesman still refuses to sell it to him. No way, the man had to go home and bring the dog before buying dog food. A few days later, the man went to this store to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a cat." It was the same shop assistant, and the man dawdled with her for a long time and finally had to go home and take the cat to buy cat food. A few days later, the man came to the shop with a big cardboard box with a hole in it and found the salesman. "What can I do for you?" "Just put your hand in and you'll know." The salesman put his hand in: "What is it? Very sticky. " "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough. . .

Some people like the dish "spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked in disappointment. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter replied. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman's food has been eaten almost, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. The man thought that a gentleman had wasted delicious food, so he went up to the gentleman and pointed to the "spicy vermicelli pot" and politely asked, "Do you want more, sir?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he swallowed half. Suddenly, he found a little mouse lying at the bottom of the casserole with all its hair. A burst of nausea, the man spit all the fans he had eaten back into the casserole. When he had a stomachache there, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" I am like this ... "

6. On this day, the hotel owner is patrolling the lobby. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came to ask for a toothpick. The boss thought, why do beggars want toothpicks instead of rice now? I also gave him one to send away, not too old, and another beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too?" The beggar said, "Someone threw up and I came late. The first two beggars ate everything they could, and now there is only soup left. " Can you give me a straw?

Seven, boss, the second flight, the second airsickness, vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half a bag and throw up."

One day, Big Brother and Second Brother went to the theater again, and when they saw that they were in the middle of an argument about the plot development, they made a bet. The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown. The two then bet on the following plot. This time, the second child lost. I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and drank fifteen gulps. Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "The second one shook his head." No, I want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! " "

I have a friend named Cai Xiao. One day he was taken away.

The ancient poem actually predicted the top four super girls last year.

Rain knocks on dreams and sighs.

(Spring) Spring has come, and flowers bloom and fall.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or waking up.

(1) Laugh and sigh for a hundred years.

A person's life is a state of fatigue.

(Chang) Drink till your heart breaks.

(1) the emperor is not angry and arrogant.

(2) Why do you feel inferior?

Cool breeze is not intoxicating.

No one in the shadow doubts himself.

It should be a good time.

(3) Will heaven come back?

Why mourn when the old god is still alive?

(Clean) It's all caused by acacia.

I laughed at myself at the end of time.

(4) I like to travel in the clouds.

A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, I heard a thunder chop the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea went to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

One day, Mei went to Yan Luowang to participate in the selection (he won the third place).

(Yan Luowang asks the first one first)

Yan: What have you done in your life?

Man 1: Killing.

Yan: Give you a black key and go to hell!

(Yan Luowang asks the second man)

Yan: What have you done in your life?

Person 2: Save people.

Yan: Give you a white key and go to heaven!

(Yan Luowang asks May)

Yan: What have you done in your life?

A: What do men love?

Yan: Give you a pink key!

What key is this?

Yan: hmm ... what should I say?

1. Three white rabbits picked a mushroom.

The two big ones let the small one get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The younger one said I wouldn't go. If I leave, you will eat my mushrooms.

The two older ones said no and went ~ ~ ~

Half a year has passed, and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The big one can't come back. Let's eat.

The other big one said wait ~ ~ ~

A year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. Don't wait for us to eat.

Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I know you want to eat my mushrooms.

2. Many things will have various flavors when cooked ... so cooking? # 123; Always very particular.

But ... on the contrary ... something; It smells better if it's chilled. What is this?

Electricity. Because ... refrigerator->; Electricity-ice-(fragrance) .........

3. Cars can fly. Please guess a drink ... coffee. ...

Because ... (car)-(plane)

We say that a bear without tail is called koala, so what is a bear without penis?

The answer is the female bear, because the female bear has no penis.

5. Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread ~ ate a meatball ~ turned into steamed bread ~

6. Once upon a time, a medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met in the street. Why don't they say hello?

Because: they don't know each other. ...

7. Q: One day, it took a bird 1 hour to fly from Kaohsiung to Taipei. But it took 2 hours to get back! Why?

Because it is raining! So cover the rain with one hand and let it fly with the other.

8. Q: What chicken runs fast in the world? What chicken is slow?

A: Chicken nuggets (quick)

Nicole Kidman (slow)

9. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?"

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will flash!" "

10. Excuse me: Who gave you the water?

Answer: Aha ~ ~ ~

Reason: "Aha, give me a cup of forgetful water ~ ~ ~"

1 1. Q: What animal sticks to the wall most easily?

A: Sea (newspaper) leopard

12. Q: Who will help you eat when you are full?

A: Feilong, because Feilong is added in units of (days).

13. Which is dumb, the star, the moon or the sun?

Stars, because there is a saying in Lu's song, "The stars in the sky don't talk."

14. What's the name of this pencil?

Xiao, because: sharpen (Xiao) pencils.

15. Which anime character is always in the dark?

Tinker bell (robot cat) is opaque.

16.4 people are playing mahjong in the house. Why did the police come and take five people?

Because the person they play is called "Mahjong"

17. Xiaoming: "Do you know the name of boxing champion Ali's father?" Ruobing: "I don't know." Xiao Ming: "Idiot! Alibaba, of course. "

Ming: "Do you know what mosquitoes don't bite?" Ruobing: "I don't know." Xiaoming: "Jelly, jelly pudding, of course!" " Ha ha! "

19.4. (Health) Mom's name is peanut! What's the name of (Huaer)' s mother? -wonderful pen, because (wonderful pen gives birth to flowers)

Let me tell you a touching story.

Get out of here! The story of arresting people

2 1. There is a family ... the whole family is lazy. ...

Dad lets mom do housework, mom lets her sister do it if she doesn't want to, and sister lets her do it if she doesn't want to. ...

But my sister didn't want to do it either, so she let the dog do it. ...

One day, a guest came to the house ... and found the dog doing housework. ...

I asked the dog in surprise, "Puppy, can you do housework?" ? ! 」

The dog said, "I can't help it ... they don't do it, but they all want me to do it ..."

The guests were even more surprised ...: "You can talk! ! ! ! 」

Dog: "Shh! Keep your voice down ... or they'll know I can talk ... let me answer the phone ...! ! 」

22. Why do foxes often wrestle! !

Because foxes are cunning (slippery)

23. A psychology professor said to the chairman of the meeting, "If you want the women attending the meeting to be quiet at once, just ask them one."

Question: "Ladies, which of you is the oldest?" The meeting soon became silent. "

24. Woman: "It is better for me to marry the devil than to marry you."

Man: "That's impossible, because consanguineous marriage is forbidden."

25. Lele went to the zoo one day to feed the monkeys ... threw peanuts to the monkeys ... but one monkey always put peanuts in his ass first ... and then took them out ... Lele felt sick and ran to ask the director ... why did this monkey behave so strangely? .. the director explained: Because.

Last year, a man threw a big peach for him to eat ... as a result, the seeds of the big peach could not be discharged from his ass smoothly ... He was killed badly ... so now he must put the food in his ass and measure it before he dares to eat it. ...

26. Devil: "Princess, if you scream your throat out, no one will come to save you!" " "

Princess: "broken throat!" " "

No one: "Princess! I'm coming to save you! "

Devil: "Damn it."

Ghost: "Who found me?"

Who: "What's it to me?"

The devil is dead! !

Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat.

one day

The white cat fell into the water.

The black cat saved it.

The white cat said a word to the black cat

Q: What is this sentence?

.................... "meow"

It is said that in the dark night, on the longest ... the most terrible road. ...

The taxi driver drove there. ...

There was a woman beckoning to get on the bus ... OK ... It was quiet all the way. ...

Until the woman spoke. ...

She said, "This is an apple for you … It's delicious …" The driver thought it was great … so he took it …

Then I took a bite ... the woman asked, "Is it delicious?"

The driver said, "Delicious!" The woman replied, "I liked apples very much before my death ..."

Wow ...&; * $ # @ ... Hearing this, the driver suddenly braked with fear and turned white. ...

I saw that woman slowly turn her head forward, ....................................................................................................................................................................

Want to know what she said? ……………………………………………………

"But I don't like it after giving birth to a baby.

29. the eleventh book is incredible (book 1 1)

30. A person painted gold is a blockbuster (a golden person).

Eldest brother and second brother went to the theater to see the play. On the way, they saw that they were arguing about the development of the plot, so they made a bet.

The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there."

Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown.

The two went on to bet on the next plot. This time, the second child lost.

I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and swallow fifteen mouthfuls in one gulp.

Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "

The second one shook his head. "I don't want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting!

One day, in the big forest, the fox was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit came from a distance and saw all this. He came up and said, Fox, how can you smoke marijuana? This is harmful to your health. Look, how fresh the air is. Come and run with me. The fox thinks this is right, so he runs after the rabbit. They saw the elephant smoking. The rabbit ran to the elephant and said, elephant, elephant, why are you taking drugs? Look how fresh the air is. Run with me. Elephants think it's right to run together. Running, I saw the lion rolled up his sleeves and was about to inject * * *. Little rabbit shouted to the lion from a distance: lion, lion, taking drugs is not good for your health. Look how fresh the air is. Let's run with me ... I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over to beat the rabbit. The elephant trembled and said to the lion, Why did you hit the rabbit? He doesn't want us to hurt his health! The lion said: since the rabbit took ecstasy, he has asked me to run with him every day!

40. Which is dumb, the star, the moon or the sun? Stars, because there is a saying in Lu's song that the stars in the sky don't talk.

4 1. In summer, a giraffe met a rabbit. She proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: ah, little rabbit, do you know how good the neck is? Do you know how sweet the top leaves are? Do you know the feeling of drinking water in summer? Cool water flowed slowly through her neck. The rabbit looked at her and only said, "Have you tried to throw up?"

42. Once my brother hit me, I got a pimple on my head. Later, my brother wanted to pack things, but he couldn't find his bag, so he took the bag on my head to pack things.

43. Once upon a time, a cotton candy went to play with a ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired. I think I'm getting soft.

44. Once upon a time, there were two snowmen. A snowman said, I am cold, and another snowman said, I am cold, too. The other said, let's hug, so they hugged each other. Then they froze to death.

1. A bear is coming/ready (the bear is coming).

2. The eleventh book/Unbelievable (BOOK 1 1)

Xiaoyu told Xiaoming that her father was impotent/unable to stop (Jade's father couldn't).

5. The sheep stopped breathing/expanding (the sheep didn't exhale)

6. The mobile phone must not fall into the toilet/machine, and it will never come back (wet).

7. The dog stopped barking when he crossed the wooden bridge/never forgets anything (never barked when he walked through the Woods)

8. Bees stop on the calendar/the sun is shining (bees and calendars)

10. painters prefer to draw thick ropes rather than thin ropes /superb (thick ropes in painting)

13. There are ten sheep, nine in the sheepfold and one in the pigsty /cadence.

14. The sheep calls the eagle, and the eagle answers the phone and says "hello"/"yes, yes, no" (the sheep calls the eagle "hello").

15. When the hat is dirty, you should turn it over and put on a dirty hat.

16. Ten men watch five women take a bath/colorful.

17. Who doesn't have a phone? /Tianyi (seamless mobile phone)

Who knows birds best? /bow to scare the birds and know the birds.

22. How to make the sparrow quiet? /Press it (to silence the bird)

23. What kind of snake has many mouths? /conflicting views (snake)

25. What medicine is not poisonous? /yam

26. Why "seven ups and eight downs"/seven ups and eight downs? Because eight is lower than seven.

27. What kind of snake has the strongest vitality? /Three-inch golden tongue (snake)

28. Why is the iceberg just the tip of the iceberg? /The other corner was broken by the Titanic.

1. One day, the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

2. It is said that there is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around on the ground with his eyes closed and crawls until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

3. Xiao Bai, Huang Xiao and Xiao Lan take a long-distance bus. Who gets carsick? (White rabbit, dusk)

4. Xiaobai+Xiaobai =? A: White Rabbit (Xiaobaier)

5. What animal falls down most easily? Fox, because he is the most cunning.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

7. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father: Dad, am I a stupid boy? Dad said: silly child, how can you be a silly child?

One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout out what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want. So the three of them decided to have a try.

The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " The next jump is really full of beautiful women waiting for him.

The second is a bookworm, shouting "Book Book Book Book Book Book!" Then, jump into the valley and get books full of pits and valleys.

The third kind is an indecisive person, who can't decide what he likes after thinking about it. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded, "Shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

9. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

10. The panda loves the deer deeply, but it is rejected when expressing its love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

1 1. One day, Xiao Ming was walking on the road. I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

12. Which Chinese character is the coolest? G-string (cool).

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student that there were ten birds in the tree and one was shot dead. How much is left?

The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "Will you just tell me how many birds are left?" Are there some deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Is there a flower in the bird photographer's eye? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be none left. " The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone passed the intersection and found something super scary. He found Sesshomaru and Sanzang laughing! `

15. Once upon a time, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Ha ha ha, a female ghost farted to death.

16. A fat man jumped from a tall building and became a dead fat man.

17. A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

18. Little snake asked Brother Snake in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The snake said, "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now."

19. Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living? Call for help.

20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and finally he died of cold.

2 1. A deer ran faster and faster on the road and turned into a highway.

22. One tomato was smashed by a stone, another tomato was smashed, another tomato was smashed, countless tomatoes were smashed, and the last tomato fell! ketchup

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

24. I'm very upset that I haven't heard from you for a long time. I thought of death, and I cut my pulse with potato chips; Hit you on the head with tofu; Jump over buildings with parachutes; Noodles. But none of them died. You invited me to dinner and supported me to death.

25. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

27. Two counterfeiters inadvertently created counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

28. Your life portrayal: at the age of ten, learn to take a bath by yourself, and the pig will clean it by itself; At the age of 20, I am radiant. When I am a pig, I am Mao. Looking for a job at the age of 30 and starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant, and the pig got a servant. Learn to play basketball at fifty!

29. A man climbed over the wall and went out of the school gate, and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: Why not go from the school gate? Answer: Meters, Bang Wei and Bang Wei don't take the usual road. The headmaster asked again: how did such a high wall cross over? He pointed to his trousers and said, Li Ning, anything is possible.

The headmaster asked again: What's it like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, Xtep, it feels like flying. The next day he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked, why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume. The headmaster said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said, you are what you wear, Mason. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school, and the principal said that he could not wear a vest to school. He said, man, simple is good, love fort clothes. The headmaster said I would give you a bigger score. He said: Why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my site is my decision.

Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery.

As a result, I don't even know what he has become now. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

3 1. Notice to robbers: Our staff only know Spanish, so please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring an interpreter. Thank you!

32.are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head!

33. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard.

34. Tourist: Master, is that straw house over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets.

35. Without hair, dandruff is more prominent!

We should keep quiet when listening to the sermon in the church. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep.

I signed up for a weight-loss training class yesterday, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

38. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I haven't had a chance to interrupt her.

39. thief a: count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

40. Stand higher and pee farther.

4 1. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

42. Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let others find it.

43. One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

44. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

45. Tigers don't send cats. You think I'm dying!

46. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then came up with a cold sentence: if you drink too much wine, you will get more.

47. When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

Before 5 1., someone came to my aunt's house and just came in. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid! I spit in your face with shit.

53. When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

54. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

55. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week.