Looking for the end point on Lingshan Mountain

Excerpted from the preface of Lin Qingxuan's "A Thousand Miles Are Clear"

Original text:

Finally, I went to Zhong Nanshan.

I have always longed to go to Wang Wei's seclusion place. The master laughed and said, "Wang Wei's seclusion is still deeper in the mountains. There is not enough time this time. I will lead the way when I come back! "

Master Benru is the abbot of Ye Jing Temple in Zhong Nanshan. Before I arrived in Zhong Nanshan, I thought the abbot of a thousand-year-old temple like Ye Jing Temple must be a noble old monk. Unexpectedly, he turned out to be a young man with a cool voice and a shocking roof. You can also imagine that this handsome monk, when he went up the mountain as an abbot, tied a sword behind his back and held a brush in his arms. He is a rare all-round monk. His swordsmanship runs through the sun and the moon, and his pen and ink shock the wind and thunder. He can also write with his left hand, draw with his right hand, and finish painting and calligraphy at the same time.

I heard that once, the handyman in the temple had a conflict with the nearby residents, and we couldn't communicate. Ben said, "Since it doesn't make sense, let's have a fight!" "He led the temple people down the mountain, and the residents were shocked by his momentum, and things were solved in one fell swoop. Later, the residents nearby became the guardians of Ye Jing Temple.

I repeat this passage with my own level and find the gap.

Me: Today, I finally arrived in Zhong Nanshan. I told Master Ben Ru that I wanted to visit Wang Wei's secluded place. Master Ben said, "Wang Wei's seclusion is still in the mountains. There is not enough time this time. I will lead the way when I come back! "

Master Benru is the abbot of Ye Jing Temple in Zhong Nanshan. Before I met him, I thought he was a respected old man, but I didn't expect him to be a strong young man. I can also imagine this monk carrying a sword on his back and holding a brush in his arms when he goes up the mountain. He is a rare monk with both civil and military skills. He can even write with his left hand and draw with his right hand at the same time.

I heard that once, the handyman in the temple had a conflict with the people nearby and could not communicate. As the master said, "Since it doesn't make sense, let's have a fight." So he led the monks in the temple to find the residents. As a result, the residents were startled by his imposing manner, and things were solved without fighting. Later, the residents nearby became the guardians of the temple.

Feelings: The same words, Lin Qingxuan wrote an article, and I wrote it like a drooling diary of a primary school student.

First of all, as soon as the word "today" came out, the style of the whole article went to diary style. Removing the word "today" not only has no bad influence on this sentence, but also looks more like the beginning of the article and expresses the corresponding meaning. The second sentence "Tell Master Ben Ru" and the following "Tell Master Ben Ru" are a dialogue, but this expression is verbose. If you want to express a conversation, you can't use words like "I said", "He said", "I said again" and "He said again", which is too imprecise. The author used a sentence "I have always longed to go to Wang Wei's secluded place, and Master Benru said with a smile", which not only showed his desire, but also led to a dialogue with Master Benru. Writing an article is not to record the conversations in life verbatim, but to express them in a more rigorous way through integration.

Before I met him, I thought he was a respected old man, but I didn't expect him to be a strong young man. Although this sentence also expresses the overall meaning, it lacks depth compared with the author's. Before seeing him, the author wrote that he hadn't reached the end of Nanshan, and then added, "Thousand-year-old temples such as Ye Jing Temple". When the word "Millennium Temple" comes out, it is easier to remind people of the old monk and pave the way for the old monk who is not backward. Moreover, when describing the old monks and young people, the author used words such as "being old and virtuous", "being young and promising" and "sounding the roof tiles". I seldom see these words. Being inarticulate is also one of my weaknesses.

So he led the monks in the temple to find the residents. As a result, the residents were startled by his imposing manner, and the matter was solved without a fight. Later, the residents nearby became the guardians of the temple. I often use words like "so", "often", "however", "but", "later" and "result" in my articles, and I always feel that I can't go on without them. But the author's description here is that he directly wrote "he led the monk down the mountain", so there is no need to add another sentence to find residents, because it has been explained that it is in conflict with residents, and it is redundant to write again.

Summary: 1. The biggest problem with my own article is that it is not like a diary, just recording something.

2, the words are too serious and wordy, and there are too many words like "result" and "but".

? The method of recording conversation is very rigid. Learn this article, less "I said, you said" and so on.

? 4, there are too few idioms, and the emotional strength of words is not enough. For example, the author uses words like "I never expected" to make the gap clear. Use more obvious words.