The complete works of funny quotations that laughed all night.

The complete works of funny quotations that laughed all night.

1. I have an impulse to take a nap as soon as I get up in the morning.

2. When China is developed, let foreigners translate classical Chinese.

3. There are two words that hurt millions of net worms: school.

In chemistry class, the chemistry teacher asked, "What should I do if your gas leaks?" Answer "Don't panic, light a cigarette and calm down."

5. If you play too many computer games, you want to fast-forward when you watch TV! !

6. My period is like a wolf. When I leave, I always shout: I will definitely come back!

7. One by one, isn't it that you haven't finished your homework? As for it? I know nothing about homework.

8. Being a man is like Conan, with a spirit that makes people die wherever they go.

9. When I went to bed at noon, I cut the automatic reply into "Then what?" As a result, my classmate chatted with it all noon.

10. Master, I also want to go to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. Not everyone can meet so many sexy fairies on the road.

1 1. I am going to write "Baidu once, you will know" on the paper, which makes the marking teacher very angry.

13. I hope I can catch up with the finale of News Network in my lifetime.

14. I wanted to give life a kiss, but reality gave me two slaps. Do you think I can't kick him in return?

15. Tomb-Sweeping Day, it is not easy for students to have a holiday these days. Even vacations should be moved by their ancestors.

16. How dare you lie? How dare I not believe it?

17. Rich girl: Have you ever seen a famous brand? My bag says LV! Me: I have studied Pinyin and seen Donkey, right?

18. Old Moon, if not, we will retire. Don't insist. Do you know how many families Saner destroyed?

19. I have always had a question in my heart. It's been five years, five years. What did Grey Wolf eat to survive?

20. There must be a road in front of the driveway, and I can't stop it. .

2 1. The explanation is shielding, shielding is dishonesty, and dishonesty is lack of cleaning ~!

22. Do you know why San Xiao is crying? Because Xiao Si is back! Do you know why Xiao Si is crying? That's because the boss is back. ...

If the teacher hadn't told me not to litter, I would have thrown you out.

A man forgot his money, so he put the bill on the counter and left. The cashier took the bill and shouted, your bill, sir! The man smiled and replied, here is your bill.

25. When I have money in the future, I must buy 700 million cups of incense to see if I can circle the earth twice.

26. Tencent's "input" has given many people hope and also disappointed many people.

27. I have thought about the five words "special efforts", and I have only achieved the first four.

28. I finally know why I licked Oreos first, because then no one would rob you.

I planted a bunch of girlfriends in Houshan last year. In autumn, there are green hats everywhere. .

30 Classic Funny Quotations _ Too Funny

1. A seriously ill patient went to see a famous doctor. The nurse said to him, the doctor's schedule is full, and it will take at least three weeks for your turn. What? It takes three weeks? The patient cried, maybe I won't live to that time! Oh, that's all right, said the nurse. At that time, you can ask your family to cancel the appointment for you.

My son is in a big class, and I have an appointment with him to come to my house at the weekend. My wife got up early in the morning, cleaned the room and cooked some delicious food. I don't know. A group of children are here. You are so promising. The wife said, you don't understand, maybe these people have your future daughter-in-law! God, it's really early!

Xiao Liang is very naughty. He ran to the neighbor's orchard to steal strawberries, and was found out. Aunt neighbor asked: What's your name? I want to tell your parents! Xiao Liang calmly said, No, my parents know my name.

Teacher: Our school will switch to English teaching from next semester. Some classmate: Wow! We won't understand. Teacher: Don't worry about not understanding. Learning a language means listening more. Listen to me speak English every day, and you will understand after a long time. Student B: But I listen to the dog barking at home every day, and I don't know what it is saying.

One day in class, a student deserted, and the teacher saw it and wanted to make things difficult for the student. Teacher: What shape do you think the earth is? Student: It's round. Not satisfied, the teacher asked: Why is the earth square? Student: I listen to you, teacher! It's your call! What you said is right.

6. The female colleague is pregnant for seven months. I don't know why she can't eat meat or even scrambled eggs. When I went to the hospital for reexamination, I was reminded by the doctor to eat more meat, otherwise it would be very troublesome for the child to be born with malnutrition in the future. Then the doctor paused for a few seconds and asked her softly, Is it because my mother-in-law doesn't like you very much? . . My best friend said truthfully: no, I just can't eat meat. It makes me sick. . The doctor listened blankly for a while, and then said to her, You are not pregnant with that Tang Sanzang, are you?

Xiaoming has always been proud that his father is a great engineer. One day, he met Xiaohua and chatted with Xiaohua. Xiaoming said to Xiaohua, Do you know the Himalayas? Xiaohua said: I know. Xiaoming said: My father built it. Ha ha. Xiaohua was speechless at that time. He thought for a moment and said, Do you know the Dead Sea? Killed by my father.

8. My roommate has a sister of 12 years old, who is very hot in summer and always sweats. When she was sweating profusely, she went out to catch the chicken, because when she caught the chicken, it would flap its wings wildly. Her sister said it was windy and cool.

9. The school organized a spring outing. The teacher said: This spring outing should be a group activity. We can't be together like last time. I'm embarrassed to talk about you. This time, at least ten people should act together! On the day of the spring outing, everyone performed well. Suddenly, I saw Zhang San clutching his stomach and shouting, who is going to the toilet? We organized nine people! !

10, my cousin's daughter is a graduate student working in Shanghai, and she is still single on 3 1 this year. The matchmaker in her hometown introduced her to a young man, saying that he was handsome and engaged in music. Then my cousin asked for leave to come back for a blind date. She is an old bachelor, playing suona for weddings and funerals in the country, and her face is blue with anger.

1 1. Yesterday afternoon, my daughter-in-law and I went shopping. She suddenly asked me: Who is your ex-girlfriend or me? Just thinking about it, suddenly a buddy behind him decisively replied: Hello! We turned back in horror and turned out to be a strange buddy. He was probably scared by our expressions and said in a trembling voice, hello, how to get to Bayi Road?

12, the doctor comforted the patient and said, please believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. You need fresh air. I suggest you walk more and walk more. What do you do? Postman, doctor. The patient replied.

13, when the exam was mobilized, the math teacher drank some wine and said on the podium: Teaching is a grand secret love. You try your best to love a group of people, but in the end you only touch yourself. It is true that students abuse me thousands of times. I treat students like first love. I used to be afraid that I would not do well in the exam alone, but now I am afraid that a group of people will not do well in the exam. If you never leave, I will live and die together. If you give up on yourself, there is nothing I can do. Suddenly the whole class applauded, teacher. You just fell in love!

14, female man, had dinner together the other day. She was unhappy and asked her why. She said, I think I should find a boyfriend. Me: Come on, big sister, haven't you always claimed to be single? She said: I had a fight with some hooligans last week and my mobile phone broke. Me: So you don't have to do it yourself to find a boyfriend, so you won't break your cell phone? She glared: I mean, if I have a boyfriend, he can help me with my bag and I can let go of those hooligans!

15. After the teacher handed out the test paper to the students, he asked the parents to sign it. Student Meng Xiao asked: Teacher, do you want mom and dad to sign, or do you want grandparents to sign? The teacher said: whoever keeps his word in your family will sign it. After listening, Meng Xiao muttered: So, I can only sign.

16, Patient: I have been forgetful recently, and I forgot what I just said as soon as I turned my head! Doctor: How long have you been like this? Patient: How long has what been?

17, a buddy accosted a beautiful woman on the road: Sister Mei, you are so beautiful. What do you do? The beauty said: I am a service person. The buddy said happily, Oh, how I want to be your customer! Where do you work? The beauty said that I patched up the body in the crematorium. When will you come?

18, a man teased a child: Are you your father or am I your father? The child said: You are your father! The man hurriedly said, wrong! Think about it. The child thought for a long time and asked doubtfully, am I your father?

19, in a mental hospital, there are two mental disorders, A said to B; I recently wrote a book. Have you read it? Yes, it's well written, but there are too many names in the book for me to remember. Just then, the dean came in and said, what are you two doing with my phone book?

20. Jack's screams came from the bedroom. Mom ran in and saw her 2-year-old sister pulling his hair. Mother gently pulled away her little daughter's hand and comforted little Jack: She was too young to know it would hurt you. No sooner had the mother walked out of the bedroom than there came the screams of her little daughter. What happened? Mom turned and rushed in to ask. Now she knows. Jack replied.

2 1, a girl just gave birth to a baby, and a group of girlfriends visited her when she was pregnant. One of the girlfriends leaned in and said, Wow, you really look like your husband! Another girlfriend said: Yes, very similar, especially when breastfeeding, the eyes are super similar! Suddenly everyone was silent.

22. One day, as soon as Xiao Fang came home from work, her son Xiao Qiang ran over and said proudly, Mom, I learned to bargain! Xiao Fang was puzzled and asked, What do you do? Xiao Qiang said: I took some waste products to the recycling station and sold them. The uncle who collects waste products said that it was six yuan in total. I said it was too expensive, and he bought me four dollars.

23. The subway to work in the morning was so crowded that all the bread I bought was squashed. What is this? I used to be much more serious than you. Why? What happened to your bread? This is not bread. I want to fart, but I just burp!

24. Mom: Poor girl! She lost her father and best friend, the dog. Betty, would you like to help her give her your dog? Betty: Oh! Mom, why don't we give dad to her?

25. On Sunday, my brother-in-law took his nephew who just went to elementary school to visit the ape cave in Zhoukoudian. He thought it was time to give his son a basic history education, so he pointed to the model of the ape-man and asked, Do you know who your ancestors were? The nephew looked at him in surprise and replied, My grandfather? !

26. The conductor made up the ticket. The conductor asked: where can I make up the ticket? Zhengzhou! Do you have any kids？ There is one. How old is it? Four and a half years old. Is he over1.2m tall? I don't think so. Where is it? Come and see if it's over. Huh? My child is in his hometown! In the old ... hometown? The conductor froze for a few seconds, feeling that this girl naturally wanted to stay!

27. A ten-page paper should be handed in for the college composition class to discuss the meaning of life. I try my best to finish my homework. The professor not only rated it as a masterpiece, but also encouraged me to make a living by writing. The next year, my boyfriend also took this course, and he also had to hand in a paper assignment with the same topic and the same length. He asked me for help, and I gave him my old work for reference, but he handed it in word for word. When I got the paper back, I saw the professor write a sentence on it: How is your girlfriend recently?

28. In chemistry class, the teacher told the students: When it thunders, the oxygen in the air will combine to form gaseous ozone, which has an unpleasant smell. A classmate who believes in Jesus suddenly realized, saying, no wonder people say that thunder is God's fart, but it turns out to be true!

29. The matchmaker said to the girl: That young man is really nice, strong, likes outdoor life and camping, and has chest hair. The girl said to the matchmaker, can he walk upright?

30. Once I quarreled with my deskmate, both of them were very unhappy. When I opened it, it turned out to be a message from my deskmate. I was very moved to reply to his message. As a result, 2B immediately raised his hand and said, Teacher, he plays with his mobile phone in class.

30 classic funny quotations _ Laughing all day

1. One day, I saw a buddy and said to him, Dude, are you still wearing your jeans? The buddy said: this is popular now, you know a line ball. I looked at his chrysanthemum and thought that city people really know how to play.

2. A buddy is from a car rental company. One day at noon, he went for a walk in the company. I asked him: Have you ever met a wonderful guest who rents a car to others every day? The goods looked at the yard and said that the car rented by the man early in the morning had not been poured out.

LZ came home from work at three o'clock yesterday morning. On the way, she met a young woman lying on the ground, wearing very revealing clothes. At first glance, I knew that she was working the night shift and was drunk. I think this is my chance. I went up and gave her a hand. Shit, the beauty turned and threw up all over me. I keep thinking, is she drunk or did she see my face throw up?

4. After drinking with friends at night, take a taxi home by yourself. As soon as I got on the taxi, the driver asked me, young man, have you been drinking? I'm a little surprised: yo! Master, your nose is smart enough to smell my wine? The driver said, smell your sister! Get off my roof first!

Early this morning, my girlfriend spoiled me: honey, someone else's apple 6 accidentally fell to the ground and broke it. Don't worry, I took a Nokia out of my pocket and said it was already ready for you. This is not afraid of falling.

6. I remember a drinking party with a female colleague. After drinking, my female colleague got drunk and said she wanted me to sleep with her at night. After listening to this, I slapped her and left her alone. I think she must be trying to steal 200 yuan from my pocket while I was asleep. I didn't expect her to be such a person. Bah!

7. My brother took the subway and sat next to a strange aunt. The mobile phone rang, and my aunt answered the phone and said to the phone brightly, Ah, I am very busy tonight. My car broke down and I was taking the subway. I found a handsome duck. I'm going to check in! The crowded car immediately quieted down. I glanced at my aunt next to me and turned around to find that the whole car was staring at me.

8. Some time ago, in the physical examination of the unit, a colleague's fat blood vessels were not obvious, and the doctor did not draw blood after several injections, but he said, Comrade, you are really ~ well, you are really strong, and your colleagues are also very real. Doctor, I am not strong, but I am fat.

9. I was depressed after coming out of the hospital. Suddenly, a fortune teller stopped me: Sir, do you want to tell a fortune? I was in a bad mood at that time and yelled, you bird, I'll use you to calculate! The fortune teller just smiled and pinched his fingers. Yes, I'll call you a bird. Hey, hey, is your bird okay? I instantly bowed down: Master, how do you know? The master smiled: the so-called external strength is hollow, the appearance is strong, and the internal nature is weak. I asked, master, what should I do to get rid of my troubles? The master said: you should be weak in appearance, most like a false mother! I asked again: Can I be as hard as a fake mother? The master said, of course not! However, when the fake mother becomes a nuisance, she can live a happy life even if she can't get hard, so she won't worry! Me:

10. It has been many years since graduation. Today is Teachers' Day. Teacher, I miss you very much. You have worked hard. I have returned the knowledge you taught me to you. When do you think I can get my tuition back? Let me buy an iphone6s!

1 1, wife: You drank five cups of tea at Lao Zhang's house just now. Didn't you say you couldn't sleep at night after drinking tea? Husband: But if I don't drink fragrant tea that I can drink for free, I can't sleep at home.

Doctor: Why can't I find my pen? I want to write you a prescription. The patient quietly reminded: doctor, you put it under my arm!

13, my roommate for four years, only ate her and gave us five people an orange. This is really an orange. Snacks are always taken to bed by yourself, and then get out of bed after eating. Everyone in the dormitory charged two yuan for electricity. My roommate said that we used her electricity, so we shouldn't ask her to pay. Give her money! More importantly ... I once saw five audis in her camera! Five cars! There are cameras at home!

14, wife: You are so obsessed with watching TV that you don't even care if the faucet is broken. The water flooded your home. Come and have a look. Husband: What are you looking at? What channel is it on?

15, I can't think of any gift for my wife's birthday at all. Not too expensive. Make her happy. Write her an anonymous love letter.

16, a girl and sister want 140 kg. Every night, they dance square dance with their aunts. They dragged me to see it yesterday and then asked me how it was. I said, I think you dance like a cygnet. She said: Really! I seem to have lost weight. I went on to say, it's a Little Swan drum washing machine.

17, Mrs. Shana, who runs a fashion shop, has been very upset recently because the flower shop on the left has switched to fashion business. Not only is the pavement bigger than her own, but the competitor also posted an irritating signboard. Business here is the most cost-effective! . After wave after wave of turmoil, Mrs. Shana's heart has not been cleared, and the flower shop on the right side of the fashion shop has also started to do fashion business, and also played a slogan that dazzled Mrs. Shana. The price here is the cheapest! After thinking hard for several days, Mrs. Shana, who can't eat well and sleep well, finally came up with a countermeasure and hung a big entrance sign right above the door of her fashion shop.

18, one day, the old lady and her wife watched TV together. After the advertisement, a beauty contest was broadcast. The old man blushed and got up and went into the house. The old lady smiled: this old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat upright in front of the TV, but his wife with glasses was nagging his wife: When did your ears get better? Husband: The day your throat started to get inflamed.

19, when I went out, I met a beggar and asked me for money, saying that I hadn't eaten for several days. I just bought steamed bread with my change, and I gave him two poor ones. He even said I sent beggars. Isn't he a beggar?

20. Today, a buddy cut a meatball and joked with him: I just got out of prison! He looked at me and said, are you trying to force me to go to jail again? Then I was silent.

2 1, I have a strong taste and like salt. One day, my roommate asked me: What does the product mean? I ignored him (he likes to ask strange questions) and casually said that it meant eating. Roommate nodded while thinking, like this. A few days later, my girlfriend came to the dormitory to chat with me, and my roommate was lying in bed reading. When I was talking with my girlfriend about taste, she asked me: What is your taste? As soon as my girlfriend finished speaking, my roommate put down the book and sat up to answer. He always emphasized taste. I suddenly turned blue.

22. Yesterday, a female colleague of mine had a drink together. My female colleague told me that she was very happy and wanted to sleep on my shoulder. As she spoke, she leaned over and I was anxious on the spot. She slapped her face and said, damn it, I said I'd drink three cases. Whoever pays the bill first will go back on my word and want to eat the king's meal and roll my calf.

23. The two of them went to buy clothes. The wife hesitates between thick clothes and thin clothes. She didn't know which was better, so she asked her husband, which do you think is better? Husband said: if you can wash clothes, buy thick ones. The wife smiled and called to the boss: Wrap this thin one for me.

24. A second-rate friend recently bought a new fish tank, and then various friends showed off the fish he bought. Suddenly nothing happened these days. I called him and asked him. He told me that it was cold and I was afraid that the fish would freeze to death, so I bought a hot one and wanted to heat the water. As a result, I fell asleep and woke up to find that the fish were all cooked.

25. When Mr. Bao and Zhan Zhao were visiting Africa, they met a group of black-faced cannibals. Cannibals not only refused to eat two people, but also shook hands with Mr. Bao and gave him human flesh to eat. Lord Bao is very confused. Zhan Zhao said, my Lord, cannibals regard you as their distant relative.

26. My friend said he would drive me home. After getting on the bus, he habitually lit a cigarette. My friend pinched my cigarette and said, don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke. I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke.

27.a: Boyfriends have everything, a car, a house and a deposit. B: With a sigh, boyfriends have everything, including bicycles, rental houses and loans. C: With a sigh, boyfriends really have everything, even their wives.

28. Both men and women like to go to the park together on weekends. One day, I wandered around with my friends, and when I was tired, I sat on a long bench and chatted. Suddenly, my friend pointed in one direction and said, look, what's going on over there? Everyone looks in that direction. It turned out to be a couple hugging and kissing. So, a friend was upset, and it was outrageous to be so affectionate in broad daylight in public! I want to say something to him. Then, everyone suddenly began to discuss what to say in the past to separate them gracefully. # $ #% # @ (one breath! ) At this moment, I popped out: Will you go over and say to them: Open your mouth? Suddenly, there was laughter.

29. Coach: Relax, don't be nervous. Well, I'm not nervous. My friend said that he treated the coach next to him like a dog during the exam.

30. I was lying in a hospital bed and asked the nurse: Love is gone, affection is gone, friendship is gone, health is gone, and money is gone. I have nothing? The nurse quickly whispered, how can you say that about yourself? I thought you weren't ready.

Sad quotations from growing up overnight

There was a sincere love before me, and I didn't cherish it. When I lost it, I regretted it The most painful thing in the world is this.

The most tormenting thing about love is not parting, but touching memories. You think you can go back by standing there.

I didn't sleep the night we broke up. I hope you can see how sorry I am.

Broken string, bounce over, the route we walked together has no end.

It turns out that the right person is not the one you are desperately chasing, but the one you are tired and willing to take you away.

Don't tempt others, or you will know what the whole play is.

Those who are willing to accompany you can't be driven away, but those who talk don't need to stay at all. Will is more important than anything, and it lasts longer than anything else.

You are scum, you see clearly, and you value feelings more than anyone else.

Time tells us that what we have said can't count, and those who have loved can change again.

I chose to leave, but I really want to hug you once.

Give me some time, and I will forget you.

There is always a person in life who surprises time, makes you forget it, makes you cry, but still smiles and forgives.

That's it! At the end of the song, people are separated, each is well-being, not disturbing each other, and love and hate are casual.

You always feel that you can't let go of one person. Not necessarily love, just persistence and memory.

The relationship between people is so fragile. If you lose your temper, this person is no longer yours.

Some people say goodbye and live in a blink of an eye, and live forever in a blink of an eye.

I like you not because I am happy, but because you have become the meaning of happiness.

Nothing can't be forgotten. I will always forget you, first forget your appearance, then forget your voice, forget what you said. Not now, but later.

People, at a certain age, live happily every day, with a little trouble and unspeakable pain.

People are destined to meet two people in their life, one is amazing and the other is gentle.

Laugh even if you are unhappy, because if we can't do such a simple thing by laughing again and again, it is really a failure. Life is not that easy, everyone is carrying a heavy load.

In life, there is always unexpected warmth and endless hope.

Time is not to forget the pain, but to get used to it. Sometimes I feel sad not because of what I have done, but because I find that I know nothing.

There is a word in life called treasure, which means happiness. People who have experienced hunger will know how to cherish food and clothing; Only those who have experienced bondage will know how to cherish freedom.

The older you get, the less real happiness you have. How long has it been since I smiled innocently from my heart? I cried and laughed when I was a child. Now I'm laughing and crying. Is this growing up? I don't want it

Accept what has happened with a normal heart. Adhere to the correct concept. Face difficult things with a relaxed heart. Appreciate things around you with a beautiful heart. Treat everyone sincerely. Be grateful for what you have.

Anything, as long as you are willing, can always become simple. Life is like this, so is work. good morning

The world is too big and life is too short. It's right to live as you want.

There are no secrets to growing old together. Only when you are in love can you save some feelings and know some gratitude during the cold war.

It is not a sudden decision for anyone to leave you. My heart is getting cold, the leaves are turning yellow, and the story slowly ends. And love, because of too much disappointment, becomes not love.

A spare tire is a spare tire. A word of no love can give you an explanation that has been waiting for many years. If you don't hold the hand you want to hold at the beginning, the missed years will become a constant search and reconciliation.

The difference between you and me is that the way you spoil me will still be used to please others in the future; And what I gave you can't be given to the second person.

The most painful thing about losing someone is not the rough feeling when you just lost it, but when you feel that time has cured everything, you can't stop thinking about this person and get rid of it.

This is the world. Some people chase you desperately, but they can't get you, but some people just smile at you and let you roll around and climb away.

Maybe we are all cowards. I like the throb of love, and I prefer to wear armor, covet the warmth of my chest, and guard against it like a hedgehog. Afraid of the vicious circle of disappointment brought by expectations, afraid of falling in love with someone forever.

Don't be silly. One person's efforts will never determine the relationship between two people. If you are not the one who sleeps with you, you can't be your sweetheart.

Sometimes, a feeling of boredom will pop up in my heart and I feel very tired. I just want to indulge myself once, hoping to get hysterical once.

I once trusted you to close your eyes and cover your ears. Even if the whole world says you are wrong, as long as you deny it, I will believe it. However, you failed.

For love, I changed myself and tried to be what you like, but I still didn't get together. Finally understand that two people can't be together without feeling, even if I have become what you want, in fact, those are just excuses.

Those youths who once had nowhere to put and were almost full of life once gave us a beautiful and luxurious way to decorate the ordinary and lonely life.

After a long time, hot water will turn into cold water, not to mention you keep adding ice to the cup.

No one leaves you because of impulse, and you can't see those sad, helpless and patient tears again and again. Just like the crack under the dam gradually widens due to erosion, all you see is the moment it collapses.

I never changed, I just learned to pretend. Stumbling through the saddest and darkest moments in life, the most difficult moments.

It's good of you to leave, otherwise I was always worried that you would leave. After parting, I kept it from everyone and continued to love you for a long time. It's a pity that I'm just an old friend of yours, not someone in your story. I hope you have a good life, but don't let me know.

There are always people in the world who can't finish talking, so why care too much?

After we broke up, we were strangers to each other and neither of us knew anyone.

Being together is always good, but breaking up is not good. Finally, love became unwilling, deep love became sadness, missing became upset, and taking the initiative became a bitch.

I used to listen to songs and melodies; Later, I listened to songs and lyrics; Later, I listened to songs and stories; Now listen to this song and listen to yourself.

I'm not very good at managing relationships. In the end, whoever leaves is who.

The sunshine only stung my eyes, but your departure stung my heart.

Hand in hand cut off overnight, drifting away with the fallen flowers.

If someone hurts you, please be kind and beautiful as always, enjoy life and love life as if you have never been hurt. One day that person will regret missing you. This is the biggest revenge.

It turns out that this person has nothing to do with you, only you and me, not us.