Mad woman prose

She suddenly appeared in front of me and waited for a while and looked at me coldly. It was the strangest and most complicated look I had ever seen, dull, empty and scattered, but it flashed with sharpness and hostility that I was always ready to defend myself. In the cold early spring, I suddenly broke out in a sweat. I realized that I met a crazy woman named Rong.

I have heard the story of Rong. In this village, whenever she is mentioned, people always make a final summary with a sigh. One summer twenty years ago, Rong's eldest son, who was only three years old, was playing by the well behind his house and fell into the water and drowned. At the moment of death, Rong also heard the child giggle. But in the end, her world was full of crying. At that time, Rong could still support her. She began to focus on her second daughter and take good care of her for fear of making a mistake. But fate, like an unbreakable spell, firmly pushed her into the dark mud. Three years later, her second daughter emerged from the water. It is also the well, and it is also the spring full of hope for everything. And her hope, but in the shadow of death completely collapsed.

What can destroy a mother's trust more than such a blow? She's crazy! I was confused all day, wandering around, grabbing other people's children and calling their own names, which scared the children to cry. Then he did not hesitate to shoot people around him, thinking that this would protect the children. People say that children are her lifeblood, and the roots in her life are lost, and so is her soul.

Rong in front of him was tall and disheveled, with mud spots on his white coat and toes sticking out of his shoes. I noticed that there was a powerful energy in her pursed mouth. Recalling people's offensive remarks about her, I tried to calm myself down and show a gentle smile. This confrontation lasted for two or three minutes, and she finally lost patience and turned away. Her steps to leave are staggering. No one knows where she is going. She often does this aimlessly, climbing mountains, wading in rivers and staying in the Woods all day. Maybe for her, the whole world is empty, and only the heavy body is left between heaven and earth. She has given up her soul and let them go to another world.

I decided to go to her house. As a resident cadre, I think it is necessary to know more about her situation and help her appropriately. But many people objected before going: don't go, it's too dirty, you can't stand it. Besides, what if she comes back and attacks you? I can almost conclude that no one in this village has set foot in her house.

It is Rong's husband who opens the door, and he is honest and dull. A bad smell mixed with all kinds of unpleasant smells rushed out and almost washed me out of the door. Rong is not at home, and has probably gone out four times. "What can I do? I can't lock her up. She will smash everything. " The man in the same shabby clothes told me. Looking around, clothes and plastic bags are scattered on the ground, most windows have been smashed, and broken furniture can be seen everywhere. In the intermittent conversation, my eyes gradually recovered a kind of hard-working and healthy luster.

More than 20 years ago, Rong was a good daughter-in-law praised by the villagers when she married in this village. She looks dignified and strong, keeps the house in good order and does farm work well. In the second year of marriage, she gave birth to a fat boy that everyone loved. It is conceivable that if the days go smoothly according to this trajectory, their family will live a stable life like all happy families. Rong's son will get married and have children, and Rong will be a virtuous and capable good mother-in-law and grandmother. She will laugh and talk loudly, talking about people and things like those middle-aged women, drinking tea every day and teasing her grandchildren. She can love or scold her little grandson, she can steer the family's eating and drinking, and she can spend her life satisfied and busy.

But what I have described is only one possibility that life can provide. In fact, many times in life, if you don't play cards according to the rules, you will screw up the set of cards that were originally assured. Water can nourish life, and water can also destroy life. Rong's concept of survival collapsed in a well, and water was the eternal darkness in her life. She has no reason not to indulge her wandering soul. Only in this way can she redeem herself and abandon the unbearable scene.

Under the guidance of an old man, I found the well. It is the simplest well without masonry, which is very common in rural areas. There is no well edge protruding from the water surface, and there is no manhole cover enough to protect the weak. There is only one board across the well, which is used for drawing water and stepping on feet. There are lush plants growing by the well. They are twisting their soft waist in the wind and posing as innocent people who have nothing to do with themselves. At this moment, how I hope that the legends in fairy tales will come true, so that they will definitely bring their two living children back to Rong. I am close to the unfathomable well, and I can see my face in the blue water waves. I want to find those two children playing alone. Did they see a friend who could laugh in the water when they dug the well for the last time? Now, many white water pipes have penetrated into wells, and people have become accustomed to pumping water by machinery. They use the water in this well to make wine and tea, and no one will look at the events many years ago again. Only the most unlucky mother proved the real occurrence of two tragedies with madness.

I tried to contact the free treatment institution and urged Rong's husband to take her to the hospital. But he waved at me and said that he consulted doctors in big cities. "Even if we go, it is impossible to cure. Let her live in that world! " Finally, I gave up and insisted on making my own decisions. Maybe what he said is right. There is no doubt that a madman is the most relaxed and free person in the world. Why did you wake her up and let her spend the rest of her life in pain?

Then, let her continue to wander with her soul. In the other world, her sons and daughters must still be alive, kicking around at her knees …

two

When I was nine years old, Zhu began to sing alone on the top of the mountain opposite the village. People say: Zhu has lost his mind, and the pusher of the incident is a young man who ran away in love. I didn't understand at that time that there would be a substance in the world that could drive people crazy. But when I stood on the time coordinate of 20 14 and looked back at what happened that summer more than 20 years ago, I suddenly realized that her madness had actually begun to appear, but people just didn't find it.

That summer is the best time to ferment love. When night comes, insects buzz, making people uneasy, and even frogs pour out their desire for courtship. There is no doubt that Zhu is a beautiful girl. As the name implies, she is born with pearl beauty, especially fair skin, and she is one in a hundred in the countryside. Her nickname is "big eyes". You can imagine how many young men's restless dreams will be born with big watery eyes and round bodies that are already in full bloom.

But many years before that, I didn't want to mention it, or even think of Zhu. There are some shameful details buried deep in my heart that I have never mentioned to anyone. I once carried this heavy cross and was trapped in a girl's unavoidable panic. It was not until I knew enough that I was relieved, forgave myself and forgave her.

At this time, Zhu needs a companion, or a very obedient follower. She took a fancy to me and won me over with all kinds of small favors. She would teach me to tuck my coat into my pants when I was enjoying the cool in summer, saying it would be more beautiful. Yes, Zhu is good at dressing up. A pink shirt stuck into fashionable bell bottoms made her look tall and fashionable. On the open neckline, there are unspeakable temptations and longings.

How the young man came into her life is still a mystery. Zhu read only the second grade of primary school and then dropped out of school and went home. At first, she raised cattle for several years. Later, when cigarettes were popular in the village, Zhu began to own a machine for making cigarettes. Every polder day, Zhu went to the fair to sell cigarettes and exchange beautiful clothes. Perhaps Pearl has obviously changed since she went to the market frequently. When making cigarettes, she becomes absent-minded, and often unwittingly rolls cigarettes to the size of a head, which needs my constant reminder.

Sadly, no one can understand Zhu's mind. The impulse she tells is like a flash in the pan, which suddenly blooms and quickly fades. So I unconsciously acted as her experiment on her way to find each other's happiness. It was a pebble that sank to the bottom of the lake, covered with moss. I've been trying to pick it up and smash it for years. Zhu closed her doors and windows and advised me to stick a white cigarette paper on my chest. I was surprised and then hesitated. Zhu suddenly lifted her coat and showed it to me: "It won't hurt. Look, I posted it too. "Those are two full and tender peaches, but they are strangely covered with two pieces of white paper in the most pointed place. Zhu tempted me: "Hold on, I'll give you 20 cents to buy sugar." I finally obeyed and asked her to stick the cigarette on two cut cigarette papers and then stick it on my empty chest. I feel two pieces of skin stretched uncomfortably by the gradually hardening paste. "You can't tear it." Zhu warned me. On that day, she seemed to be in a good mood, and her slightly open mouth showed an imperceptible smile from time to time.

What really scared me soon happened. Zhu called me and another boy of the same age to her boudoir and told us to play a very interesting game today. I was very excited at first, but when she ordered me to lie on the bed and let the boy lie on me, I realized that something was wrong and struggled to escape. But Zhu suddenly appeared in front of me with unprecedented power: "Don't move, you stay honest!" " "I was frightened and watched helplessly as she threw the boy at me and rubbed our bodies repeatedly like two rice balls. For many years, I have been unable to face that equally innocent boy. When youth appeared on me, I once felt so inferior that I felt completely different from others. In fact, at that time, Zhu was a little abnormal. And I'm just a grain of sand that she fell into when she went to the crazy whirlpool.

Zhu fell in love with singing pop songs. She bought a tape recorder and played some sweet love songs all day. She was embarrassed to learn Mandarin for only two years, but she still tried to imitate those burning lyrics. When she sings a love song, that kind of affection can make people feel that there is content in it. I don't go near her any more. On hot nights, she never enjoys the cool in the village. Some gossip spread like wildfire in the village. Some people say that they saw Zhu with a man when they were patrolling the fields at night. Some people say that on the mountain opposite the village, Zhu often sings with a person. Others said that Zhu quietly brought the man into the room at night. ...

No matter what version of the legend, without exception, it points to the fact that Zhu is in love, but the origin of this young man is unknown. Assuming that Zhu's love is as happy and peaceful as all marriages, then in the following days, Zhu will be like all the girls to be married, sitting in the empty flat in front of the hall, gently accepting a pair of shoes, and his face is full of touching smiles all day. She will wear a bright red wedding dress and cry with the accompaniment of playing musical instruments. She will be pushed into a sedan chair half willingly and half wronged, and become a bride who is happily married to a village.

But Zhu was held hostage by a crazy force and rushed to her glory and destruction like a moth. She broke into a big net with no exit. At that time, her desperation was doomed to be cruel and desperate. Zhu was oblivious. At that time, her eyes were full of light. She is immersed in a new and exciting world, which is only her and him. She hasn't had time to think carefully about the origin of men and the return of life. Until one day, the young man was sobbed by Zhu's father and fled hastily, but never returned to her hut. Zhu realized that the love she expected had been disillusioned.

Then she kept crying and crying. Zhu shut himself in his room and cried for two days without eating or drinking. The last thing to cry is darkness, endless darkness. In a parabola from joy to decline, Zhu suddenly fell from the peak to the bottom of despair. Zhu Can can't hold on any longer! When she came out of the room, the tears on her face had dried up, but people found that she was actually smiling and humming the pop songs she had sung before.

Sai Johnson said: once a person loses his soul, he will be at a loss. Zhu stopped smoking and she began to wander blankly. From one end of the village to the other, from the mountain opposite the village to the stream at the foot of the mountain. She seems to be trying to find something, or to re-determine the footprints she and young men have traveled. In the dead of night, Zhu began to stand on the top of the mountain and sing, "Will you come tonight? Is your love still there?" Everyone with a discerning eye knows that her songs are for fugitives, but he never came again. I vaguely heard two different rumors about that young man. One side thinks that he is a married man, and the other side thinks that he is a fugitive with a criminal record. There is only one truth that everyone agrees with. That man is an old hand and only wants to play with pearls. He can never give Zhu a bright future. At the beginning, the ending was doomed, how simple and cruel. She is crazy, and no one can save her. Later, I often thought, if that young man can give her lasting love and a stable future, will Zhu still be crazy?

Many years later, Zhu was taken away by a bachelor and became a tool for a family to carry on the family line. I have seen her, and I have seen her empty eyes. Her passion and love remained in that romantic story, and her soul lingered around the only little sweetness in her life.

Maturity has no original sin. All tragedies stem from the fearlessness of being kidnapped by ignorance.

three

Lan, in her forties, is still alone. This once gorgeous school flower, the moisture on the skin has been squeezed dry by years, and it has withered to the point where it can't find the beautiful traces of that year. The main content of her daily life is to walk from the old house in the town to the town government not far away, stand in the middle of the yard, look up and take a hard look at the office of the party and government leaders, then take a hard bite, and then strut out of the government compound.

"Lan did this for a reason." I'm embarrassed to say. When saying this sentence, people's eyes seemed to see Lanlai more than 20 years ago. Lan was one of the few girls who went to high school in the town that year, and the height of 1 m 7 stood out among petite southern girls. What's more commendable is that Lan has elegant long hair, handsome and smart facial features, and elegant and refined temperament. Everyone thinks Lan doesn't belong in this town, and she will eventually go to a better and bigger place. As for how big and good this place is, people who rarely go out can't imagine it. Lan sincerely agrees with this view, which seems to be a visible future, so bright.

Indeed, Lan almost had such a future. In the year of high school graduation, the recruitment work in the county began, and Lan signed up with great expectation. She knows very well that this will be an excellent opportunity to change her destiny. She is as calm as water on the surface, but she often trembles with excitement inside. She often stays up all night in the silent night, imagining what it would be like to wear a military uniform. Imagine that love that I have never met before will sound like leaves scattered by the wind in her youth; Imagine that the new hand of fate will take her to a completely different place from the town. ...

During that time, Lan held his head high and rejected all suitors. "Sorry, after all, we are not people walking on the same road." Lan often caresses her heart and mumbles to herself. Her recruitment examination and interview went so smoothly that it was as easy as throwing her hair behind her head. Yes, she has a very healthy body, and you can hardly find any flaws in her. Coupled with her outstanding appearance and extraordinary temperament, she is invincible among all the girls who take the exam. Without any special background, there is absolutely no problem in political examination. Even the army leaders who came to visit her at home saw her and patted her on the shoulder with great satisfaction and said, "Girl, welcome to the army for exercise."

What an inspiring hint! How many times did Lan review silently when she was alone? The leader's eyes are so gentle, and the leader's pat seems to have made a decisive decision on her future, and there is almost no suspense. Lan quickly became a hot topic in small towns during that period. This side says, "Lan is the first female soldier in town. I heard that female soldiers will arrange work, and the ancestral graves are smoking. " There went on to say, "Alas, God is really good to Lan. Look at her brother, his height is occupied by Lan? " Lan has a younger brother. When he was over one meter high, he stopped jumping. Among boys, he has been unable to lift his head. My brother just studies silently and never thinks too much about the future. My sister will fly out of this town like golden phoenix. Everything is so clear that everything seems to have been cast from birth.

The sky is so vast that you can never see whether God is blessing all beings or venting his dissatisfaction. Recalling the scene of following Lan twenty years ago, I added a firm trust to what an old man said: "Everything is not as simple as I thought!" " "Yes, mixed stories are repeated among the people, just like no flower can be popular for a hundred days. I still regret Lan. I once laughed and frolicked with a group of ignorant children around a woman with abnormal nerves, and even secretly threw stones at her. At that time, Lan was like a faded flag. Her height still stands out from the crowd, but she is totally embarassed and pale. Her old color dress dragged slowly in the town, and her long unwashed hair was scattered into grass in the wind.

Many years later, I still often see people: what made the once proud princess become a haggard crazy woman? How many skeletons are hidden at the heart of the incident? Lan Yong's enlistment notice finally failed to reach the town, and no one knows where it was blown by the invisible wind. Lan exhausted all her patience in waiting. When the male soldiers in the town got on the bus with big red flowers, she finally realized a cruel fact: ideal abandoned her, fate abandoned her, and the future abandoned her! Lan's heart is so painful, so painful, she feels a kind of decisive cracking sound coming from the deep heart, which is clear as tears. The mirage, which was so clearly displayed in front of her eyes, disappeared in an instant until it disappeared without a trace. In fact, the distance from soaring to falling is actually only so short and so close.

How could Lan believe this ending? She ran around, went to every place where she signed up, had a medical interview, and found everyone who might listen to her. Young, she used to think that things were not completely bad. She believes that she is just a fish missed by the net. As long as she climbs over the shore, the clear lake will accept her arrival. At that time, she wished that the ending could be erased and rewritten like chalk on the blackboard. Finally, with pleading eyes, so beautiful and touching eyes, and with a pool of poor tears, even God couldn't help feeling pity. But why didn't they? Why did they just spread out their hands coldly, expressing helplessness, and then buried their heads and ignored Lan's pleading?

From hope to disappointment, and finally to despair. After struggling and hopeless appeal, Lan wiped away her tears, leaving only deep hatred in her heart. Hatred is a fierce fire, burning in her body, but this fierce flame did not lick others, but actually burned itself. Carlisle said: everywhere, the human soul stands between the two hemispheres of light and darkness, standing on the border of two empires that are always hostile to necessity and free will. Hatred makes people degenerate, hatred makes people crazy, and hatred takes Lan's soul from light to endless darkness.

The discussion behind Lan soon changed from envy to sympathy and regret. They all said: "There are so few female soldiers, how can Lan with no background compare with others?" Others mentioned the word "black box operation". I didn't understand the true meaning of this word at that time. What kind of black does not emit a ray of light, completely blocking the brightness and sparkle in Lan's eyes? Those wings that used to fly, those plots that have been fantasized again and again, fell one by one and sank into the abyss of perdition. Her madness is obvious madness. She never knows which invisible hands took away her dreams, so she is hostile to all those in power. She began to wander on the short journey from home to the town government, clearly expressing her anger, her resentment, her spurning and contempt.

The family tried to melt the lump in her heart with marriage. When the young boys approached Lan, she only needed one sentence to repel them: "Can you send me to the army?" If not, get out! "The voice is almost as loud as a roar. I like her, covet her and run away from her one by one. No one has enough confidence to cure a terminally ill heart. Thirty years old, forty years old, year after year, time is a ruthless axe, cutting off Lan's youth, beauty and pride. However, her brother, who was mistreated by God, changed his fate through reading and became an official cadre. When Lan's parents died, it was her younger brother who silently took care of Lan.

Not long ago, when I returned to town, I happened to see Lan standing in the government compound. It's still the sharp eyes like a knife, or the hard spit, just like the scene I repeatedly saw behind her when I was a teenager. But why is her straight back curved, and why is her smart waist clumsy? My tears have burst for decades. How did the irresolvable hatred make her insist on doing one thing? Or, her heart has been numb for a long time, just repeating mechanically, and then repeating what a beautiful dream it is to pay homage.

Lan's brother had lunch with us in a restaurant. He solemnly packed his bags and said gloomily, "She doesn't know how to cook for Lan." I know that the blue that flies in the sky with youth, the blue that is proud and self-respecting, is long gone.

I have been hurt by time in my memory. Those rootless souls who have lost themselves for a long time are wounds exposed in the countryside and have not been stitched for many years.