Collect jokes

The twelve constellations asked for leave with joy.

Aries constellation

Leave: Aries girl

Purpose of vacation: to buy washboards.

Reason for leave: Cancer man knelt at home yesterday and wanted to buy another one.

Boss's comments: A shopping mall has a discount, and the price is discounted. Just 10 yuan, give my name to the boss and you can get a 10% discount ... Besides, bring me a piece by the way.

Taurus constellation

Leave: Taurus male

Purpose of vacation: to accompany my wife to the hospital

Reason for leave: My wife is ill, so I am not at ease going to the hospital alone. Boss, you know there are too many people like you. ...

Boss comments: conjugal love! But I'm not interested in your wife. I only love Lin Chi-ling.

Gemini

Leave: Gemini man

Purpose of vacation: rest.

Reason for leave: I have been kneeling on the washboard all morning and can't stand up. ...

Boss's comment: I have reminded you many times, don't talk to MM ... why don't you listen?

Cancer constellation

Leave: Cancer Man

Purpose of leave: excuse to walk the dog, see netizens for real purpose.

Reason for leave: same as above. Ps: Don't let Scorpio know.

Boss's comment: Friendly reminder, Scorpio already knows, I hope comrades take care! !

Le Signe du Lion

Leave: Lion Man

Purpose of leave: I can't help myself ...

Reason for leave: When I went out this morning, the wind was strong and my flowing hair was stuck. ...

Boss's comment: By the way, I feel sorry for your loss ... people are doomed. ...

virgo

Leave: 175, virgin male, short hair, clean, living at No.256, Ear Hutong.

Purpose of leave: go to the hospital to see a doctor, see the waist, legs, knees and whole body.

Reasons for leave: back pain, leg pain, knee pain, pain everywhere. What should I do? If I don't go to the hospital, my illness will develop in the future, and it will spread to a certain extent. If it spreads, I will die. If my child dies, my parents, my boss, my school, the whole country and the whole world will be destroyed. What should I do? ...

Boss comment: I don't want to be a sinner of history ... and: please don't add such a long prefix before your name, thank you.

libra

Leave: Libra girl

Purpose of vacation: stay at home.

Reason for leave: Yesterday, Jesus gave me a dream that I would have a great disaster if I went out today ... Amitabha. ...

Boss comments: Jesus also gave me a dream yesterday. Let me tell you that he went to the wrong door yesterday. He's going to Gemini. As a result, alas, Gemini was beaten by his wife again.

Scorpius

Leave: Scorpio

Vacation purpose: Follow Cancer Man.

Reason for leave: According to the spy, Cancer Man is going to meet a net friend today, and I must stop it for my lifelong happiness! ! !

Boss's comment: According to the boss's spy, Cancer Man will go with Wang Cai. Please be careful and hope it goes well! !

Sagittarius

Leave: Sagittarius male

Purpose of leave: to see the Pisces woman who was suspended.

Reason for leave: to see the Pisces woman who was suspended.

Boss comments: You're welcome! ! !

Capricorn. Compare CAPRICORN

Leave: Capricorn man

The purpose of vacation: to help others.

Reason for asking for leave: Brother lion with big head got stuck when he went out today ... Besides, don't tell him that I told him. He loves face, lest others say he has a big head.

Boss's comment: excusable. ...

Aquarius constellation

Leave: Aquarius girl

Purpose of vacation: ...

Reason for leave: I don't understand it.

Boss's comment: ... yes ... I don't understand, why bother? Aries told me to tell you that if you talk to Gemini again, you will die. ...

fishes

Leave: Pisces girl

Purpose of vacation: to celebrate pumpkin's birthday.

Reason for leave: The pumpkin F 15236 at home is finally going to celebrate his first birthday. I'm going to celebrate his birthday.

Boss comments: Since your family grows pumpkins, and pumpkins celebrate their birthdays every day, the boss suggests that you leave your job for one year without pay.

Thief's spirit

1, I got on the bus and didn't bring anything except the bus fare of 1. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." Thief company. "

The second time, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession, thank you. -thief company. "

I broke my wallet for the third time, and it contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denomination counterfeit banknotes. Please consciously hand it over to the relevant departments. Thank you. -thief company. "

The fourth time, I took an envelope containing a stack of expired beauty magazines. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. Instead, it was a piece of paper that read www.hongshu0.com and 1 "Now is the information age. Only by updating information in time can we keep up with the times! -thief company. "

The fifth time, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes and affect the normal work of our company, thank you. -thief company. "

The sixth time, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! Thief company. "

The seventh time, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. Where do you want to take a taxi? Please don't mess with us again! " Thief company. "

Super disgusting joke

Eight jokes, see which one you can stand. Eight jokes, see which one you can stand.

First, when I was a child, I ate dishonestly. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me, "60 years of hard work, no food to eat, never throwing out snot and feces." .

Second, there is a rich man looking for a servant. The topic of the interview is going to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands. So the rich man sent them away, and only one person washed his hands, so the rich man left him. But one day, the rich man found that he didn't wash his hands when he came out. The rich man asked him why. The servant replied, "I brought toilet paper today ..."

A man saw a big sale in a shop and went in. "What do you want?" "I want to buy dog food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a dog." "Where is such a rule?" "This is the case with goods on sale." The man has been grinding with the salesman for a long time, but the salesman still refuses to sell it to him. No way, the man had to go home and bring the dog before buying dog food. A few days later, the man went to this store to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a cat." It was the same shop assistant, and the man dawdled with her for a long time. As a result, he still has to go home and take the cat to buy cat food. A few days later, the man came to the shop with a big cardboard box with a hole and found the salesman. "What do you want?" "Just put your hand in and you'll know." The salesman put his hand in: "What is it? Very sticky. " "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma replied, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough. . .

5. One person likes the dish "Spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked in disappointment. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter replied. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman's food has been eaten almost, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. The man thought that a gentleman had wasted delicious food, so he went up to the gentleman and pointed to the "spicy vermicelli pot" and politely asked, "Do you want more, sir?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he swallowed half. Suddenly, he found a little mouse lying at the bottom of the casserole with all its hair. In a fit of nausea, the man vomited all the fans he had eaten back into the casserole. When he had a stomachache there, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it?" I'm like this ... "

6. On this day, the hotel owner is patrolling the lobby. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came and asked for a toothpick. The boss thought, why do beggars want toothpicks instead of rice now? I gave him one and sent it away. Soon, another beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too?" The beggar said, "Someone threw up and I came late. The first two beggars ate everything they could, and now there is only soup left. " Can you give me a straw?

Seven, boss, the second flight, the second airsickness, vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second child said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half of it and throw up."

If you haven't spit it out, I have to admit that you are a master, so I will do my best-

Killing skills-

One day, Big Brother and Second Brother went to the theater again, and when they saw that they were in the middle of an argument about the plot development, they made a bet. The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown. The two went on to bet on the next plot. This time, the second child lost. I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and swallow fifteen mouthfuls in one gulp. Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "The second one shook his head." No, I want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting ~!

Classic dialogue between teachers and classmates

Teacher: Now let's practice antonyms.

Teacher: It's a beautiful day today.

Student: The weather will be terrible tomorrow.

Teacher: I lost 10 yuan.

Student: I stole 10 yuan.

Teacher: No way! This is illegal.

Student: Yes! This is legal.

Teacher: Wrong.

Student: Correct.

Teacher: I was wrong.

Student: I'm right.

Teacher: You idiot.

Student: I am a genius.

Teacher: You stand up.

Student: Let me sit down for you.

Teacher: The teacher told you to stand up. Did you hear that?

Student: The teacher told me to sit down, and I heard him!

Teacher: Do you dare not listen to your teacher?

Student: I dare not listen to the teacher.

Teacher: Do you know what you just said?

Student: I know I haven't said anything now.

Teacher: This classmate, I know you did it on purpose.

Student: That teacher, you know I didn't mean to.

Teacher: Are you no big or small?

Student: I am young and old.

Teacher: You are too young to learn well.

Student: You can't learn well when you are old.

Teacher: I don't want to talk about you.

Student: You want to talk about me again.

Teacher: Stop it.

Student: I will continue for you.

Teacher: I'm afraid of you. Can you stop?

Student: I'm not afraid of you. Go ahead, okay?

Teacher: This is the end of antonym practice.

Student: The synonym practice begins now.

Teacher: Are you finished?

Student: I'm endless.

Teacher: You are ill-bred.

Student: I am educated.

Teacher: Do you look like an educated person?

Student: Don't I look like an uneducated person?

Teacher: I am very depressed.

Student: Happy.

Teacher: I am very angry with you.

Student: You will be angry with me.

Teacher: Can you stop talking?

Student: May I not shut up?

Teacher: Go on, I won't take this class. I'll go.

Student: I will stop. I have to take this course. I'll do it.

1. A man's friend died, and he wrote her an elegy: Goodbye, friend.

When he got back, he became more and more uncomfortable, so he called the funeral home and said, "Can you add a' paradise' before goodbye, if it is still crowded?"

The next day, he saw on the elegiac couplet: goodbye, friends and heaven, if there is still room,

2. Zhao Benshan rode a donkey into town and happened to meet Fan Wei!

Wei Fan asked, "Have you eaten?"

Zhao Benshan said, "Eat!"

Fan Wei proudly said, "I asked the donkey, what did you say!" "

Zhao Benshan turned and fanned the donkey twice and scolded, "There are relatives in the city who don't say anything."

A chubby middle-aged woman in a yellow T-shirt came in the street!

A few words were written on the T-shirt on the chest: "I am a virgin!" " "

Passers-by stopped curiously, and the fat woman walked past them with a smile.

Then the crowd dispersed in a hubbub!

It turned out that the fat woman also had a line on her back: "That was a long time ago."

A group of fireflies are flying in the air, and one of them doesn't shine!

The other asked him curiously, "Brother, why don't you shine?"

The firefly replied, "Hey, my buddy forgot to pay the electricity bill last month!" " "

5. One person got airsick on the plane and could not help vomiting. Ask the stewardess to bring a plastic bag quickly!

Unexpectedly, I was dizzy, and the plastic bag was full soon!

The stewardess said, "Please be patient, and I'll get another one!" " "

When the stewardess came back, she found that she had been vomited all over the floor!

The stewardess asked angrily, "What's the matter?"

The passenger said, "As soon as I saw that I was going to throw up, I took a sip at once. I didn't expect everyone else to throw up!"

In a very cold winter, two beggars, an old man and a young man, went begging in the morning. They walked to the door of a restaurant and waited for the boss to throw leftovers.

Many things grind, and soon the boss came out with a bucket of leftovers. The little beggar hurried up to eat, while the old beggar stood still.

Because the weather is very cold and the meal is very cold, the little beggar wants to vomit after eating a few bites, so he vomits!

Then the old beggar rushed up and said, "I'm waiting for your spicy mouth."

7. Once upon a time, there was a lazy couple. Men never wash their faces, and women never wash the pots.

One day, a thief came to the house to steal something. The house was in a mess, and he couldn't find anything of value. When I was depressed, I was found by the man, and I stole the pot and ran away in a panic!

So the host hurried to chase!

After a while, the master came back and said to his wife, "When the thief saw me catching up, he turned around and stabbed me in the face. But fortunately, I never wash my face, and my face is covered with dirt. He didn't penetrate a knife, hahaha! "

The wife said earnestly, "Nothing is good. You see, it's a good thing I never wash the pot. All he stole was the mud shell above! "

8. When I got up in the morning, my brother saw a bottle on the table, which contained "cereal" and ate it for breakfast!

At this time, my brother came back from morning exercise. After washing and grooming, he sat at the table and got a pedicure. Suddenly he asked his brother, "Have you seen the bottle on the table? Have my feet! "

9. The centipede was accidentally bitten by a snake when it went out!

In order to spread the toxin, we must amputate immediately!

The centipede comforted itself: "Fortunately, I have many legs!" "

The doctor also comforted: "Yes, brother, relax, you will be an earthworm in the future!" " "

10. Pinyin typing is the best?

You're howling! ?

You howl! Where are you? ?

GG: I'm in Wangbali. What about you? ?

MM: I'm also in Wang Bali. ?

Where are you from? ?

I'm from the ghost state. What about you? ?

I come from a cave. ?

Do you like men or women? ?

Gabby: Of course it's hard for me to have a baby. You must be a girl, right?

Yes ?

Are you moldy? ?

MM: Not bad. People say I am unhappy. Are you old? ?

Gabby: Not bad. Many people say that I am a big loser. ?

Really? Let's sympathize with each other, shall we? ?

Good duck, how big is your lean chicken? ?

MM: Don't use lean chicken. Thin chicken is so expensive. Do you have a ball? ?

Gabby: Yes. ?

How big is your ball? ?

GG: * * * * *, you are so cute. I really want to have sex with you. ?

MM: Take your time. Even if we live far apart, there will be a chicken party.

1 1. A blind beggar was begging in the street wearing sunglasses. ?

A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars. ?

After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man with his back to the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill.

The drunk came over and took back the money and said, "You don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " " ?

The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I'm looking for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am dumb. " ?

"Oh, I see," so the drunk dropped the money and staggered away again ...?

One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a ride.

The car is running out of gas, and there is a gas station next to it. When driving by, a sudden gust of wind blew my boyfriend's hat away. ?

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'll get my hat, you help me to refuel. 」?

As soon as her boyfriend ran away, she heard Xiaomei shouting behind him.

"come on Come on! 」?

13, there is a psycho who got a pistol from nowhere. He is walking in a small black alley. Suddenly I met a young man. Without saying anything, the psycho pressed him to the ground and pointed a gun at his head! Question: What is 1+ 1=? The young man was frightened! Meditate for a long time. Answer: equal to 2? That psycho shot him without hesitation! Then I pulled the gun in my arms and said coldly, do you know too much?

Brain Twister

Who is taller, A or C? Answer: C is higher (because ABCD A is lower than C)

What are cloth and paper afraid of? A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand. (Not afraid of 10 thousand, just afraid of one thousand)

Four people are playing mahjong in the room. The police came and took five people away. Why? Answer: Because the person they play is called Mahjong.

Who will give Andy Lau a cup of forgetful water? Answer: Aha (Aha, give me a cup of forgetful water ...)

Wolf, tiger and lion, who will be eliminated when playing games? Answer: Wolf (Momotaro)

Question: Jasmine, sunflower and rose, which flower is the weakest?

Answer: jasmine

Reason: What a beautiful (powerless) jasmine.

What can I borrow without returning it? ● Sorry.

Xiao Wang is a good soldier. One day when he was on duty, he clearly saw an enemy touching him quietly. Why did he turn a blind eye?

Answer: He is aiming.

What kind of writing is the most profitable?

Write a blackmail letter

The landlord wishes you success.