I don't feel sorry for myself, but I don't feel miserable enough.

? A few days ago, I saw Weibo, an online coffee maker. The content was probably like this: "If you have any experience worth sharing, I will write about you as long as you are sure it is worth sharing." At that time, I was thinking, I always wanted to record the painful experience of these fifteen years in the form of words, as an explanation for myself or as a warning to others. However, my thoughts are only in the state of imagination and planning, only in this state. It's great to have someone with such good writing skills willing to write and help me write, and I'm confident that my case is worth sharing, at least it's a negative textbook. So, I did not hesitate to confide in this Internet cafe. I didn't expect him to be more interested in my affairs. Let me sort it out and send it to him. When I use the keyboard to describe my various things in detail in the room, my mood is getting heavier and heavier. I never thought that someone would state my affairs in such detail. I even made an outline before, and listed my sufferings in the form of one, two, three, four. It was written and written that I really realized that the sufferings of 15 years had not been smoothed and solved, and it was getting worse and worse. The more you write, the less you can write. If I didn't promise him, I really didn't want to continue, and I was embarrassed at the same time.

A fragmented experience, with a relatively poor logic and writing file passed to him. Soon, the network punched me back and said, "Are you comfortable?"

"No, I feel used to it" is really used to it, and the more correct reason may be numbness.

……

? After talking for more than ten minutes, the other party didn't say that he was interested in my experience, which was expected, because the negative information of the facts I just stated was too serious to be popularized. Let others write, let the masses know that there are so many people in the world who are still suffering after writing, or let someone sympathize with me.

? So, that night I had a more reasonable explanation for my behavior of staying up late: I was thinking about my life.

……

? I'm really thinking about how my days have come over these years. /kloc-began to lose weight at the age of 0/6, and dared to try anything to lose weight. After I went to college, I gradually discovered and admitted my tendency, met people I shouldn't have met, and did things I shouldn't have done, and I did such things well! ! After graduation, I began to work and live in my hometown, a brand-new starting point, looking forward to a better life in the future. But my morbid behavior and the extreme lack of self-restraint ability have led to my life getting worse and worse. My eating disorder has reached a peak, and my salary is not less. Not only did I not save a penny, but I also owed nearly100000 credit card debt. This debt and pathological behavior has continued to this day. In 20 13, I resigned and went back to my hometown to live with my parents. My income was several times less than before, but I comforted myself that I could take a break after being busy for so many years, but only I knew that I didn't have any income during that time, and I still had a credit card bill of 80,000 yuan to pay back. As a result, I lived a life of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Later, I worked as a professional teacher in a local private middle school. Because of the particularity of my major, my salary is relatively high in this school, but I don't care about money at all, because the salary I earn now is only enough for the insurance money I paid in my original unit, so I started to toss again. Slowly, my income has improved. I am a middle school teacher, and I am also working part-time as a direct seller with a lesbian. My income is almost seven or eight thousand yuan a month, and the better one is barely over five figures. Because of my narrow self-values, I relaxed my sense of pressure. This sense of relaxation lasted until last month. Last month, I received a notice from the school director that I was fired. There is a simple reason. Because my major enrollment is difficult and the teaching cost is too high, the school closed my major and there are no students. Naturally, there is no need for me to be a teacher.

? In fact, I expected it when I received that notice. There is no psychological discomfort, because I participated in an illegal fund-raising, how much money I invested, how much I paid you back every day, and how much I paid back. Six months ago, I earned about 500 yuan a day, and I used this part as my card. Even now I'm still thinking, even if this school doesn't want me, I'm not afraid, because this fund-raising financial management project will bring me more than 10 thousand a month every day. According to my current consumption, I may not be in such a hurry to work. As a result, on the third day after I left my job, I signed up for a tour group in Thailand at the travel agency. I had no income at that time.

? During those days in Thailand, I was like a person who lost his mind. When I arrived at the duty-free shop, I went on a shopping spree and swiped my card.

? On February 23rd, 12, the day after I came back from Thailand, the wealth management with fund-raising nature suddenly stopped issuing, saying that the company would make a financial summary years ago and would not start issuing normally until January 16th. My heart thumped and thought, what is this? I am very unhappy and depressed. During the whole Chinese New Year, there are some considerations of gain and loss. Finally, on the sixteenth day of the first month, the company issued a notice, which probably means that no money will be paid every day, and so on.

? It is expected to face this situation, but I don't want to face it. But since this happened, I can only admit it. But it depends on my future life. My present situation is not optimistic. I am unemployed and have no income, and my credit card bill is100000. I think I should get a job.

? In the past few days, I have often wondered how my life has been spent. After working for ten years, I should have earned a lot of money, but why do I still owe so much without saving a penny? I randomly took out a time period and analyzed it.

? First of all, I have a mental illness of eating disorder, and I vomited and vomited. And it is two or three times a day, and there are five or six hundred and seventy-eight times. You know, food also costs money. For example, my daily food intake is equivalent to that of others in a week, which is expensive in itself. But I'm not eating. I am a pure waste. I don't eat what is not delicious, but eat what is delicious, so I have an economic dividend. I initially estimated that since I have eating disorder, the value of the food I just spat out is at least equivalent to a two-bedroom and two-bedroom house in Harbin. This number makes me think I should be shot.

? Secondly, I don't know that I have a little money. I don't know when I started, I gave myself a definition, that is, to live better than others, to eat well and dress well, that is, to want all kinds of good things. For this good look in the eyes of others, I began to arm myself from the outside, buy clothes and buy famous brands. Even if I can't afford this price, I will bite my teeth and buy it. Buy skin care products, import foreign skin care products, in short, various consumption. But I have no rational analysis. I bought a suit. I only wore it twice and bought a set of high-grade skin care products, which I didn't use much. Then I bought it again. Then, when you are tired of shopping, find a decent restaurant nearby and give yourself a reason: I will have a rest and eat something.

? I don't know why, there is such a rotten smell in my bones, making excuses for myself everywhere. "People, be kind to yourself and be willing to spend money."

? And because of my own problems, I am in a circle that is not accepted by the public. I can't express my true thoughts to my relatives and friends. Dare not say, afraid of not being understood, afraid of not being blessed, afraid of being rejected by relatives and friends, afraid of hurting parents' hearts. Being in such a circle, I have this common male problem, that is lewd. There are more beautiful people in contact with me, and I am getting tired of aesthetics. Once I see a beautiful person, I want to contact, even further develop, even want to possess, although I know it is impossible. But I also want to have a try. Maybe my emotional values are distorted. I feel that since the other person despises me, I will express my love for the other person in what I call a way, that is, material things. Try to get in touch and buy something for others. Whether the other party likes it or not, I will give it according to my own ideas.

? Up to now, I still remember three people clearly. For these unrealistic three people, I gave everything, spent all my money, went on, and owed a lot of debts. And these three people, in chronological order, are more reliable than one. I remember a saying that "one can't step into the same river twice in one's life", which probably means that one can't make the same mistake. I deeply feel that this sentence is a false proposition. Why can I choose to make the same mistake for the third time? Why can I eat a hundred beans without feeling fishy?

? The more I sum up, the more I feel that I have too many problems.

? When I feel that there are many disappointments in my life or other aspects, I will seek some superstitious ideas. I remember that whenever I don't pay my credit card bill this month, what I immediately think of is not borrowing money from my friends or how to make a repayment plan, but that my fortune is not good during this time. So you will seek the help of superstition. I bought Taoist lucky one and Wutong Fortune Charm online. Under the introduction of others, I met a so-called disciple. The fortune teller said that my colorful pants had holes and needed to be replenished. Traveling to Thailand, I asked the tour guide to take me to buy Buddha cards. I didn't buy enough and I didn't think the effect was good enough. I also bought three at once. These are all things I did when my economic situation was the most difficult. I was short of money, but I spent a lot of money. Now I feel a little crazy. Until now, I still feel that my feng shui pattern is not good and I don't want to make money.

? In fact, having said so much, I really feel miserable. People who have never had an eating disorder don't know how bitter it is. When the credit card bill is unpaid, only you know how it feels. I can't say what I want to express most, but I feel helpless when I lie. These are all determined by my mentality and living habits. Some people say that "Excellence is a habit". Everyone wants to be excellent, and only ensuring good habits is the premise of Excellence. But everything has two sides. Habit makes excellence. Similarly, habits can lead to bad habits. Laziness is a habit, so is procrastination. It's a habit to stay in bed every day, be lazy and lie down to pee. I've always been used to it. I also made many excuses for my bad habits: by doing so, I can at least feel comfortable now, both physically and psychologically.

? What I summed up is not all of me, because there are some things I really don't want to remember too clearly, which is quite painful. But just what I said above has caused my personality distortion now, and I still tell myself from time to time, which is good. Really, I feel more and more that I am not good to myself and not tolerant enough to myself. All I have done is feel that I am not miserable enough now.

? I want to change, I really do. Everything depends on people. I hope that at this moment, if I am persuaded by the Internet, I can "do more meaningful things".