The latest fortune-telling jokes _ The latest fortune-telling jokes

1. In the morning, I went to the vegetable market to buy food. I asked the vendor, "Have you used pesticides for this dish?" The peddler thought for a moment and said, "I don't think he can beat it."

2. Playing the game of hitting the back of the hand with a female colleague, I accidentally caught her hand and broke a little skin. Then the female colleague took out her mobile phone with a serious face. Just when I thought she was going to take a photo and send it to a circle of friends to accuse me ... I saw her searching online: Is it necessary to get rabies vaccine after being caught by single dog?

Recently, I came to a relative's house and quarreled with my boyfriend when I was uncomfortable, which lasted for a week. I've been pestering me for the past two days! I didn't care about him, so I pointed to the broken air conditioner and said that men are big pig's hooves, just like broken air conditioners. Blow hot air when it is hot and cold air when it is cold! My boyfriend is also angry and says, you are not even as good as the air conditioner, at least it can blow.

I found a fortune teller to calculate a divination for me. He looked at it and said, "Brother, you must have been born in the early hours of the morning." I was surprised: "How can you calculate so accurately?" He stroked his beard and said, "Because it's ugly from one to three in the morning."

One of my classmates sold a house in Beijing some time ago, and it's useless for the family to stop it. Asked why, he said: I can't live in this suite in the future, I can't afford it. It is better to buy more than a dozen sets in your hometown county. I'd rather be a chicken head than a phoenix tail! I didn't figure it out until I heard that he opened a bath center two days ago!

6. One day I asked my mother, "Mom, what am I to you?" My mother gave me a look "fucking retarded"

7. After a long flight of more than ten hours, I finally arrived in Los Angeles, USA. In the United States, I smelled that the air they said was particularly sweet and there was no smog at all, so I took off the thick mask I wore at home and put on a thick bulletproof vest!

8. I made an appointment with a beautiful MM. After watching the movie, she invited me to her home. I didn't expect that I could go home empty-handed, saying that I would go to the supermarket to buy something first, and then she said shyly to me, no, there are still some left at home.

9. Lao Wang's daughter-in-law is lying in my arms, pointing to the parrot in the birdcage and saying, "When you leave later, dispose of it. When Lao Wang comes back, say she flew away." I asked, "Why?" Lao Wang's daughter-in-law: "This parrot can talk. Lao Wang must tell our story when he comes back." So I took the parrot home. Soon I went on a business trip and came back after half a month. As soon as I entered the door, my wife said to me, "Lao Li, I can't. Your parrot flew away." I said, "Ah ~"

10, I saw a fat tramp just now and asked him, "As a tramp, why are you still so fat?" He said, "Because I can't afford to go to the gym."

165438+ "I haven't ordered yet." "No point? Then when you go to the street and know that you can't pee anywhere, take off your pants and go there to play? "

12, in the company bathroom, I heard a male colleague talking on the phone. Crying is a tragedy. I only heard him say, "The most tragic thing in the world is not to be broken up, but to make up after three days of breaking up and find that my girlfriend has learned a new posture."