I have an appointment with death.

It's natural that a date dies and becomes dust with the wind. But such a topic will still make people misunderstand. In fact, I am not a pessimist, and I am not fully aware that I have seen through the world of mortals. It's just that I have experienced many things recently, which reminds me of the mystery of life and death and the feeling of death, and reminds me of the past about death around me.

one

I first saw death up close many years ago, when I was five or six years old.

As long as I can remember, I have lived with my grandparents in an ancient house with three entrances and three exits. This is a big family, with three families, including Grandpa Gong, Grandpa Gong and more than forty people. Enter the third hall from the front door, turn up a narrow and steep staircase, climb the second floor, bypass a wing, and then go up a dozen creaking wooden stairs. A short and bright place is a three-story attic. Grandma's room is there, and so is my room.

However, one morning, there were suddenly many people at home, and there were noisy voices, melodious cries and songs everywhere. Sec. Uncle was lying in the dark corner of the three halls, unable to get up without talking or laughing. In the afternoon, people gradually dispersed, without crying and singing. I want to go in and see my uncle. Three sticks of incense were lit on the stone bench at the end of Erbogong's bed, and a soybean oil lamp was lit on the edge of the bed board. The yellow flame flickered in the wind. What's more frightening is that he didn't know when he put a big rock candy in his mouth. His lips were prominent and his cheeks were deeply sunken. In the shadow of the oil lamp, he showed a strange color, which made me jumpy. I climbed the stairs in the corner in a hurry, turned around while climbing, and fell down the stairs of Grade 4 or 5 as soon as my feet hung. At that moment, fear occupied my young mind and painted a gloomy color on my gloomy childhood. From then on, I never dared to go into that hall and climb that ladder alone, and I had the initial fear of death.

two

1May, 99014th, I faced death again.

My classmate Chen Cuiqing took 120 sleeping pills and was taken to the hospital after being in a coma for three days and two nights. When I stumble, she will never see the tears on my face or feel the fatigue of my steps. Young age, beautiful life, so I slept under the orange tree in the suburbs forever. This is a mockery of death. When it came true and appeared in front of us, people were caught off guard. For the first time, I felt that death was so close, so real, so far away, so empty that for a long time, I still lingered in my dreams, often walking with her on the country road and talking in the boudoir.

Living is a beautiful thing, but life is so fragile that it can't be played with! There is no eraser on the manuscript paper of life, and many mistakes cannot be erased. Maybe you regret it, maybe you regret it, maybe your heart is broken, but human power is so small that no one can change the established facts! At this point, I have awe of life for the first time.

three

In the late autumn of 2003, grandpa passed away, and death once again brought me heartache.

Grandparents in my childhood and adolescence in every memory, those happy or unhappy days, in their silent gaze, quietly flowing through the long river of my life. In the early autumn of that year, grandma said that grandpa had been ill recently, so I brought him here for examination. Grandpa has been dealing with land all his life. His illness was that he could not work in the fields, and the land refused him cruelly. But even more cruel, the doctor announced that he could never go near this land again, because he was suffering from advanced esophageal cancer and only had three months left to live. Walking out of the doctor's office, I turned my head to dry my tears and smiled and said to him: Nothing, your stomach is inflamed. You need to have a good rest for a while.

When I got home, I took him to eat Kendley's braised chicken. Although he was uncomfortable sitting in the bustling restaurant, he enjoyed my happy smile. I went to Hanjiang Village to buy him fried Oyster Fried Dumplings. He saw a basket full of fragrant Oyster Fried Dumplings and called me a waste. He couldn't bear to eat more, saying that he would take it back for grandma to taste. I took him to the theatre, and we sat under the stage together, listening to the gongs and drums in the stands. At that moment, I was in a trance, thinking that time had stopped.

But fate didn't give me such an opportunity. After more than a month, grandpa had difficulty eating. A small bowl of rice porridge often takes an hour or two. Later, he could only drink some egg soup. Several times, his esophagus was blocked by rice porridge or water, and he almost fainted. I asked the doctor to give him an infusion bottle, but after two days, he resolutely stopped, because he was all skin and bones, and the liquid medicine flowing through his blood vessels made him feel unbearable pain. Another month passed, and grandpa began to fall behind. Smelling delicious rice, he said, if I can eat a bowl of rice, I will go to work in the fields tomorrow. I turn my back on tears.

The days when water and rice did not enter lasted for three days. I came back from school, stayed for two days, and insisted that he be infusion bag or bottle. He asked me to sit by the bed and explained in detail: Don't buy any more shroud. He likes a set of underwear, a pair of trousers, a pair of socks and a pair of leather shoes that I gave him on his 80th birthday. He said he would put them once and put them on this day. Yes, he prepared the sword suit, gown and coat twenty years ago. He said he didn't want to wear cloth shoes, because they would get wet in rainy days and wouldn't walk well. He said he didn't want new clothes. He likes the clothes he wears, because they leave our breath, and he is steadfast in his heart. We carried the coffin out, and he told the master to draw it again, draw a pattern, and then solemnly told his uncles that he must be carried up the mountain when it was dark; Finally, he calmly asked us to continue our work. During that time, I was busy with the school celebration. Three days later, I went back. Grandpa said not to run back and forth. He was worried that I was tired.

20031October 14, 13th day of the lunar calendar. That morning, after the first class, I ate at the noodle stand next to the school. Somehow, my heart sank inexplicably and the bowl almost fell. A few minutes later, my brother called and said that grandpa had left.

My grandfather left like this, without any suspense, everything was expected. He has no daughter, and I didn't accompany him at his last moment, but I have enjoyed his daughter's happiness all my life. Today, I am sitting here typing these words, and the past events reappear one by one like a slow-motion movie: the back of him sending me home, the scene of him sending me to school, the scene of him taking me to buy clothes, the pain can't be expressed in words, and the thoughts can't be expressed in words. If I can, I would like to use my life to extend my grandfather's life and this family relationship. It's a pity that God didn't give me such an opportunity.

After grandpa died, I dreamed about him twice. The second time, he ate a sacrificial meal and told me that he would never come back and told me to be fine. I was hurt and cried. When I was in trouble, I would think of his smile. I told myself that I would be fine!

four

Time flies gently to the Lantern Festival in 2008. On that day, my husband's grandmother passed away, but I felt the peace of death.

We were working in my husband's hometown at that time. At noon, I suddenly got a phone call from my uncle saying that my grandmother had left, so we left our jobs and left.

As soon as I entered the door, I saw 19-year-old cousin curled up in a corner of the hall, with pale face, blue lips and trembling all over. He was the first person to find out that grandma died. It seems that he is afraid.

Next to the hall is the kitchen. A small room in the kitchen is grandma's room. There is no window in it, only a yellow light is hung. When we went in, my husband saw grandma lying peacefully on the quilt with her eyes closed, and her tears suddenly came down. I quickly called the doctor, who shook his head and told us to prepare for the funeral.

After a while, I heard my aunt crying, and the hall was noisy. My husband went out to call my uncle to inform my family, so I stayed with my grandmother. On the third day of the first month, her husband's family just celebrated her 90th birthday. Mother-in-law said that the fortune teller said that grandma still had two years to celebrate her birthday. Although grandma is not flexible in legs and feet and has some old problems of mild asthma, we still don't attach importance to her and always think that she is just a common problem of the elderly. But now, she has quietly left without any warning.

After a while, an elderly grandmother ordered to fetch water from the well, prepare paper money, and wipe her body and change clothes. Everything is ready, but I can't find my aunt. I was anxious, thinking that my mother-in-law said that after her husband's grandfather died, her body was too stiff to put on clothes for a long time, and I was afraid that grandma would have the same situation. I said, let me do it. The old woman hesitated and agreed. They are opposite the kitchen, guiding me to clean and change clothes for my grandmother in the hall.

Only my grandmother and I are in a dark little room. I struggled to pick up grandma's warm body, undressed her, and then wiped her chest and back with a towel three times in cooperation with the information sent by grandma outside. The next step is to wear a shroud. Grandma let me wear four clothes together, which stumped me Somehow, grandma's body is heavy. I finally picked her up and put her in one sleeve, but the other sleeve couldn't fit in. I don't know who is in the hall, but I know they are waiting for me. I'm even more anxious. I picked up my grandmother and sat half-sitting, letting her face stick to mine, and my hand went around the back to put another sleeve on her. But grandma's body is so soft that she can't sit still. Although I tried my best, I still couldn't dress her. Helpless, I had to ask my uncle for help. We tried our best, but it still didn't work. Finally, my aunt came crying. She mumbled a few words and finally helped grandma get dressed. Next, we combed her hair and carried it to the hall by my uncle.

From beginning to end, I didn't shed a tear.

Later, they asked me if I was afraid. Not taboo? I didn't think of fear. I just don't think I can let his grandmother walk with one sleeve like his grandfather. Death is as dignified as survival! Grandma has five sons and two daughters, but she is in poor health in her later years. In-laws give her living expenses every month, but they can't take care of her; Not only that, she has to take care of her little uncle and his son. Although I buy something to see her from time to time, I didn't take her to heart after all; His aunt said that grandma was still talking about buying medicine for her the morning she left, but what I can't forgive is that I didn't bring it down because I forgot. Grandma spent her old age in loneliness. She is in poor health and her relatives can't accompany her. So isn't death a relief? When she left, her face was peaceful, maybe it was the peace of death!

Put pen to paper at this point, the in the mind some relief.

All along, my heart has been very depressed and I have been looking for a sense of security. I know, that's because my heart is too fragile. Actually, my strength lies in my heart. Just like the feeling that death brought me, from fear to fragility to pain to liberation, every different feeling shocked my heart. Tell yourself, I will gradually mature, I am gradually mature! No matter what my life experience is, I will face it calmly and cherish every minute of holding hands face to face! Cherish love! One day in the future, maybe tomorrow, I won't miss my appointment with death, then I will go to the appointment with a smile. Because the dignity of life will bring the dignity of death!

I'm really alive, and I'm not afraid of death, no regrets!