Fortune telling Wu Ming is funny _ Fortune telling is funny

deceiver

Eating mutton skewers today is not good for your stomach. Go to the hospital for a check-up, damn it! This is mouse meat+gutter oil & Sudan red, 7456! I want to sue him. It also said, "What fast food restaurant is also called' Kent City'? The stinky tofu sold is fished out of the cesspit. It stinks. I was robbed by a group of flies before I ate it. As a result, the flies are all fried! "

"That' pulse prison' also wants my life!"

"'Needle Incubation' sucks!"

"I'm miserable! I went to' Krypton Addiction' to eat my stomach, and then I went to' Farmer Yiyuan' to prescribe a bad medicine. I also wrote something like' I am afraid of chaff, I am embarrassed by virtue' and said that the introduction to medicine is shit! "

"Depend,' spring Hou Bing dirty' selling' clear aluminum testicles' ate my intestines perforated, my girlfriend's chest ruptured and my lungs failed. But the guy in the hospital with the sign of' cooking loan application' said he would be fine! "

Bedroom toilet

There are six rich people, a Japanese, a Russian, a French, a Norwegian, a German and an American.

They go shopping together. Being rich, they have little to buy. Only those strange things can attract their attention. It happened that the mall was hyping the art toilet that had just entered, and all six rich people stopped to watch it.

After reading it for a while, one of them suggested, "This novel toilet is really unusual. How about buying one to try? " Because everyone is rich, and no one wants to fall behind, everyone is going to buy one.

The Japanese love cleanliness, so they bought a "super sanitary toilet"; Russians like things with texture, so they bought a "granite toilet"; The French value art, so they bought a "painted toilet"; Norwegians like wood products, so they bought a "pure wooden toilet"; Germans advocate high technology, so they bought a "computer-controlled toilet"; Americans pay more attention to freedom and relaxation, so they bought a "music toilet".

Six people happily carried the toilet home.

A month later, six people got together again at a business meeting. In the process of chatting, the topic unconsciously turned to the toilet they bought last time.

The Japanese were filled with indignation and spoke first: "I returned the damn super sanitary toilet." The instructions say that after each use, the toilet will be automatically disinfected, and the toilet seat will be covered with plastic film and sprayed with the words "disinfected, please feel free to use". But now the program is all messed up. Before I got up, it started spraying plastic film on my ass! I have now written' disinfected, please feel free to use it' on my ass! "

The Russian then complained: "Damn granite toilet, I also returned it. These people polished the granite so smoothly that they slipped and fell several times as soon as they sat on it. It's inconvenient, but their asses are bruised. "

Don't want to lag behind, the Frenchman scolded, "I also returned the damn painted toilet, and the printing quality of painted toilet is too poor." Always fading, and now the pictures on the toilet seat are running! " "

The Norwegian also flew into a rage: "damn wooden toilet, I also returned it!" What qualities? I don't know if it was inspected before leaving the factory. I also said that it is completely managed according to ISO9000. It's convenient for me to gather together, it's all wood residue! "

The Germans couldn't bear it at this moment: "The damn computer completely controls the toilet, and I want it back! I don't know what operating system to use, and it always crashes. Halfway through my speech, it began to shout:' Now the toilet computer crashed, please put on your pants and stand up, cover the toilet seat, cover the toilet seat, then open the toilet seat, open the toilet seat, then take off your pants and sit down again, and the toilet computer can be restarted. Thank you. The telephone number for technical support is 12345678. "Hum!"

Finally, it was the American's turn. He said angrily, "Damn music toilet, I can't do it unless I return it!" " It was originally said that it has 3000 songs, which can be played randomly at your convenience. As a result, nine times out of ten, the same song-home of the brave was played, which made me have to lift my pants and stand up to salute as soon as I sat down! "

Three ghosts

The three ghosts came to God and said with one voice, "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" " "God:" I only let the most unjust people go to heaven. Tell me how you died first. "

A: "I am a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor on the top of an old building without an anti-theft net and accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but the sewer pipe was knocked down by some bastard. Because the building is short, I didn't fall to death. As a result, a refrigerator fell on it and crushed me. "

B: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair. As a result, her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, it seems that the refrigerator fell from the window without a security net. I didn't die because of the protection of the refrigerator. As soon as I came out, someone fell from above and killed me. "

C: "When I came home, I saw my wife with another man from my window. When I got home, I was very angry. I knocked down the sewer pipe, threw away the refrigerator and made a scene with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell from the window and hit my head on someone else's head and died. "

God: "You all died unjustly. Go to heaven."

The secret of the toilet

Country A has developed a water-jet toilet. Once, the emissary of country B came to country A and used their toilet, which made him feel very comfortable. So country B also wants to develop a water-jet toilet and show off to the emissary of country A: We also have a water-jet toilet! But the angel of country A will come the next day, and it's too late to make a toilet. ...

The emissary of country A tried the toilet in country B, but I didn't expect it not only to spray water, but also to wipe my ass with a towel. To understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. I saw two hands stretched out in the toilet with sprinklers and towels. ...

Three Little Pigs

One day, the wolf wanted to eat three little pigs. Two of the three little pigs are at the door and one is on the roof. Pig 1 and pig 2 are at the door, and pig 3 is on the roof. Who is the name of pig 1, where is the name of pig 2, and what is the name of pig 3. ) So there was a wonderful dialogue.

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Right.

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: What's on the roof?

Wolf: I mean what's your name?

Pig 1: My name is "Who" and "What" is on the roof!

The wolf asked Pig 2 again: Who are you?

Pig 2: I'm not a "who", he is a "who". (pointing to pig 1)

Wolf: You know him?

Pig 2: Hmm!

Wolf: Who is he?

Pig 2: Yes.

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: What's on the roof!

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: "Where" is me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: Who is he? (pointing to the pig again 1)

Wolf: How should I know?

Pig 2: Who are you looking for?

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: He's on the roof?

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: It's me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: I'm not a "who", he is a "who".

Wolf: Good heavens!

Pig 1.2: "My God" is our father.

Wolf: What, your father is?

Pig 2: No!

The wolf couldn't stand it anymore and sighed: Why?

Pig 1.2.3: Do you know our grandfather?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: No, our grandfather is "why".

Wolf: Why?

Pig 1: Yes!

Wolf: What's this?

Pig 1: There is no "why".

Wolf: Who?

Pig 1: Who am I?

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes, who am I?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1.2: He is on the roof. …………

Reasons for arrest

Someone shouted, "The President is an idiot! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insulting the president" but "revealing state secrets"!

original idea

Someone sent a message to a friend saying, "I want to send you a red envelope!" " "He was happy, but later he was unhappy. The next page of the original text message reads: "I sent a mosquito. "

antonym

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" " "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

..... Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily with a book in his arms.

misunderstand

One day, a blind man and a lame man rode out on business. The blind ride a horse, and the lame watch the road. At this time, a deep ditch suddenly appeared on the road. The lame man exclaimed, "ditch, ditch, ditch!" " "As a result, the blind man thought he was singing, so he sang back:" Oh, oh, oh, oh! ""As a result, the blind and the lame fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostate doctor met an airplane pilot and had to make gestures because of different languages.

The doctor made a gesture of "1".

The driver made a gesture of "5".

The doctor made a "small" gesture.

The driver made a big gesture.

The doctor made a gesture of "putting down".

The driver made a gesture of "going up".

The doctor came home and said, "There's something wrong with that man! I said that men's prostate is small and drooping. He said that men have five big upward prostates! ! ! "

The driver came home and said, "There is something wrong with that man! I said there are five planes in our airport. The airport is very big, and the plane flies upwards. He said there was only one plane at their airport. The airport is small, the plane flies down! ! ! "

American children ask China children: "How do you say thank you and you're welcome in Chinese?"

"Thank you, you're welcome."

"You talk nonsense! How can someone say "teacher teacher" but not "cow excrement teacher"? ! "

The boss said to his subordinates, "Report (money) in advance."

"I want to be a turtle." "But it turned into kelp."

"Who should I imitate?" "It's all bad."

"I want to drink some water." "Don't drink too fast."

"I want to fly quickly." "But the stewardess is embarrassed."

"Today is really unlucky." "You really suck."

"You are quite right." "You are very good."

I'm looking at how many prostitutes accompany their clients in the bed of a brothel.

I want to be indecent and then get angry ...

One day, the devil caught the princess.

Devil: "Just scream ... no one will come to save you ..."

Princess: "Broken throat ... broken throat ..."

No one: "Princess ... I'm coming to save you ..."

Devil: "Say that Cao Cao will be here ..."

Cao *: "Devil .. Why did you call me ..."

Demon: "Wow ... seeing a ghost"

Ghost: "Shit! Was discovered .. "

Shit: "Ghost, can you see me ..."

Devil: "Oh, my God! 」

God: "Who called me? 」

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody said, "Where am I? Play dumb! 」

Garlic: "Who is pretending to be me? 」

Who: "It's me again? Are you looking for trouble? 」

Trouble: "which one is looking for me?" 」

Which one: "Looking for you? I didn't ... hey, there are so many people here. "

Many people: "I just arrived … who are you?" ? 」

Which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me? 」

Everyone said, "I'm not here to save you, I'm here to watch the fun."

Lively: "What do I have to see? 」

God: "It's none of my business. Let's go first. "

Devil: "You answer a question before you go. Why do so many people save the princess? " ? How can I play this demon king? 」

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, what shall I do?" 」

Princess: "If no one hits the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How come: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the excitement."

Lively: "What are you looking at me for? 」

What: "You want to fuck me? Rogue! 」

How dare you: "I didn't? 」

Me: "What does it have to do with me?" 」

Devil: "Shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit: "What am I doing? ...」

Madman: "What do you want me to do? 」

You want me to say, "I don't know anything! 」

I don't know anything: "I don't know! 」

I don't know: "I'm here! Is someone calling me? 」

Someone said, "I didn't call you! 」

I didn't say, "Who called him? 」

Who: "Wrong ... I didn't ..."

I didn't say, "I haven't wronged you ..."

You: "I dare you."

I dare you: "Who says I dare not! ? 」

Who: "please ... I didn't say anything."

I have nothing: "What do you want me to say? 」

I am nothing: "... you ... aren't you my long-lost brother?" ”」

My long-lost brother: "Kao ... my name is very long ... I will be called ..."

Who: "... I want to leave this troublesome place. "

True or false: "So this is my place ..."

I am nothing &; No: "Don't make any noise. We are talking ... "

Don't argue with Allah: "I'm not talking ..."

I didn't: "I didn't speak! ...」

I am nothing: "-_-"... go ... let's talk outside ... "

Go: "I'm sorry ... (wriggle)"

I have nothing: "It's none of your business ... Go away ..." (Two brothers go out angrily)

It's none of your business: "Whoops ... why did you kick me out ..."

Why: "I don't want to kick you out ... listen ... don't cry."

I didn't say, "Oh ... What does it have to do with me?"

None of my business: "What? Did anyone call me? 」

Someone said, "Who wants to call you ..."

Who: "I really have to go ... T.T." "

Go: "I'm really embarrassed ... *V.V*" ("Who" collapsed)

None of your business: "... aren't you my cousin?" ”」

It's none of my business: "... cousins of the same age (or cousins) ... long time no see ..."

For a long time: "I'm not here ..."

Devil: "Are you finished? 」

Endless: "He doesn't have me."

You: "I don't have him."

I just said, "Who said that? 」

Who: "What do you want me to do? 」

Do you want to fuck me? 」

You: "I won't fuck him."

I said, "Who said I wouldn't? 」

Who: "Wrong! I didn't say ... "

He said, "What should I do? 」

? "You two are shameless! 」

You two: "I want it! I want it! 」

Face: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I don't want it."

Devil: "Hurry up, or I'll kick people out."

Man: "Kick me out? Looking for k "

K: "Who wants to see me? 」

Who: "aaaaaaa! Don't mention my name, mention me again! 」

He said, "Don't trust me."

Me: "Who wants me? 」

Who: "I finally caught one. Kill it. "

One: "Don't arrest me."

Me: "I've had enough, too. Whoever mentions my name again will never let you go! 」

Who said, "Look at my eighteen dragon palms! 」

Me: "Look at my nine yin bones and claws! 」

Eighteen palms of dragon descending: "What am I to see? 」

Jiuyin Bones Claw: "What am I to see? 」

What's there to see: "Brother, I finally found you! 」

What's there to see? "Brother, let's talk outside."

Devil: "Shit ... this is an engagement meeting ..."

Finally, the devil suffered from schizophrenia.