Uncle's fortune-telling novels

Last night, my wife wrote on my back with her finger and asked me what it was. I guessed several times, but I didn't get it right. The wife said coldly: It seems that you really don't know how to write the word "death". After that, I slammed the hidden money on the coffee table.

Some time ago, I met a sick old man. When he saw me coming in the park, he stopped to giggle at me. I bowed my head and walked quickly. Guess what, after I passed him, he posted it and walked side by side with me. His smelly hand touched my ass with his steps ... Grandpa, my eyes are not good. I am a young man.

I was smoking in the toilet, and my wife said, "Husband! Are you ready? " Me: "Soon, soon." Wife: "hurry up, husband, I can't hold on!" " "Me:" Don't worry, it will be all right soon. Wife: "Are you all right?" "Me:" Don't worry! Don't worry! There are two more. " The wife suddenly shouted, "honey, what are you doing?" "I ... . .

Waiting for medicine in the hospital, a bald man in the front seat has a big mosquito on his head. I quietly motioned to my buddy: "Do you want to fight or not?" The buddy said, "Tai Sui's head is on the ground! Hit ~ "and say no, and I'll bang! An iron palm, what a pity! Missed! ! ! Two words popped out of my buddy's twisted mouth: "No! . . "

My colleague recently bought a house and found that he would bring toiletries every morning and secretly wash in the company. Hey, I bought a house for three generations. I didn't think so at the time. When buying a house, even toothpaste and toothbrush are afraid to buy.

According to my dad, when he first got married, he had a black dog at home. Later, I don't know why the whole county began to beat dogs, and all the big dogs were killed. When I arrived at my house, my grandmother said to the dogs, don't come out, hide in the house and don't make any noise, or I can't save you. Later, he really didn't say anything and ran away. Later, all the dogs in the village were his descendants.

Go home and find the door unlocked, so you won't be a thief! So he slipped into the kitchen and picked up a kitchen knife. At this time, the light came on slowly, and the room was red, full of petals, champagne, candles and steak! It's so romantic. When I saw this scene, I shed tears and slowly put down the kitchen knife ... My husband made a voice from the cabin: "Dear! Do you like it! " I wiped my tears and said, "Thank you, husband!" Husband rushed out and said, "You said you would come back tomorrow!" "I immediately picked up a kitchen knife again. ...

The mobile phone was sent for repair and an old mobile phone was used temporarily. Before importing the address book, I received a short message from a liar. Just finished replying to the liar and the whole family. The second answer below: "Son, this swindler's message is for you!" " "ouch! Oh, my God! Your old man has nothing to forward any fraudulent information!

The thief is bragging to his wife. Thief: "Wife, don't look down on our profession. Our profession has produced handsome men since ancient times. Chu Liuxiang, Bai Zhantang and Yanzi Li San are all handsome guys. " Wife: "Why didn't you say the fleas on the drum moved, Doulton with blue face, and yourself!" " Thief: "..."

When my son was a child, he liked rocking cars in front of the supermarket. Throw two dollars every time you pass by, and watch others play for a while every time you don't leave. My mother likes her grandson very much. Once, she took it for fun and directly changed it to a 30-yuan steel shovel. Before he could throw 20 yuan, her son threw up. Maybe he's carsick! Haha ~ then I cried when I saw the rocking car

I want to chase a girl and send her a message "Go to bed early" every night. Stick to it for three years at most and you will succeed. If you want to break up with a girl, call her every morning to get up early. Stick to it for three months at most, and you will succeed. (Sao nian, wake up! Handsome people are concerned, and ugly people can only be said to be sexual harassment. )

My wife thinks I have gone too far. When I get home, I seriously want to say: you are really suspicious! As a result, I slip of the tongue: you are really redundant! You like it first. My father-in-law brought someone. . .

Confessions of a very subtle young man

Confessions of a very subtle young man

1, the wind is ruthless and people are affectionate. Heavy rain is merciless, and people are affectionate. Snow is ruthless, and people are affectionate. My love for you will never change. Believe me, I love you forever!

Today, I feel hot all over, and I feel like I'm on fire. Do you know why? Because of your appearance, there are two suns in my life. The sunshine of nature shines on my body, but you burn my heart. I am in love with you.

If you are worried or sad because I love you, then no words can replace my guilt. I'm sorry! What should I do to you?

It is really difficult to decide one thing. I don't know how to continue and how to start again. Living alone? I suddenly realized that I was such an indecisive person.

5. Time changes day by day, years pass by day, and trees grow old day by day. But my heart for you will never change, and I will always love you.

I am the brightest morning star in the sky. I have never changed for thousands of years, just to protect you. From darkness to dawn, from this world to life, I just want to look at you from a distance, quietly and stupidly. This is my greatest happiness and joy. I love you!

7. I would like to become a goldfish with you and swim freely in the fish tank. I want to be a butterfly with you and fly freely in the sky. I want to be a rabbit with you and run freely on the grass. As long as we are together forever, I will be satisfied.

8. Love you until the seas run dry and the rocks crumble! Your face looks forward to it day and night! I just want to be with you all my life! Never regret it! Read the first word of each sentence together!

Time will prove my firm and persistent love for you. Don't let the distance between time and space doubt each other's true feelings and confidence. Stick to it and never give up easily.

10, accompanied by white clouds, the sky is no longer lonely. With the company of flowers and plants, the earth is no longer lonely. With my company, you are no longer alone. I will always be with you!

1 1, eat a rotten apple, it won't be sweet; Taste a moldy cherry, there will be no delicious beauty; Bad food can't be eaten, and fickle people can't love it. Choose me. I am the best, I promise I will only love you and never change.

12, if this love is to be exchanged with my life, I am willing. If this love makes me live only one more day, I am willing!

13. If I don't propose to you, I will regret it all my life, because you are the only one for me. I don't want all of you, just your ring finger; I can't give you everything, I can only give you a wedding ring.

14, the pursuit of life lies in your acquaintance; Love me, dear baby; Let's grow old together.

15, you treat me like a kite, either let me go or take me home. Don't bind me with an invisible emotion, it will break my heart.

From now on, I won't allow you to disappear from my sight. From now on, I won't allow you to hide anything sad from me. From now on, I won't allow you to work so hard. Believe me, I will always be by your side.

17, the first time we met, you were so different, and your refined temperament moved me. I don't need to carve your name in my heart with a knife, and I don't need to draw your appearance on paper, because you have left an indelible shadow on my spirit.

18, I dare not say that I will make you all happy, but I will try my best to make you the greatest happiness!

19, you are my cotton-padded jacket in winter and ice cream in summer. You are the Apollo in my life. I am willing to pull a scooter and collect junk for you! I hope I can walk side by side with you, and Qian Shan will certainly walk!

20. Love is like charcoal. When it burns, you have to find a way to cool it. If you let it go, you will burn a heart.

2 1, I want you to know that I really love you and I am worried about you. What will you do without me to take care of you all your life?

22. Since I had you, I have converged my thoughts. From then on, loneliness and loneliness will not occupy the days with you.

23. You are the most beautiful in my eyes, and every smile makes me intoxicated. Your bad, your good, your pout when you lose your temper.

24. I close my eyes and make a wish at the meteor to let you know that I love you! Can I see a meteor when I close my eyes? No, so you still don't know that I love you!

25, no matter the ends of the earth, no matter spring, summer, autumn and winter, I will definitely take you, no matter where I go, you are the heaviest bag in my life!

26. I am a graduate of a famous university with a doctorate in animal anatomy. After we got married, we started our own business and opened a stall selling pork in the food market. I cut the meat and you collect the money.

27. No matter what happens in the future, what kind of person you become will always be my favorite and most concerned person.

If I bother you because I miss you, nothing can replace my guilty and sad heart. I'm sorry! What should I do to you?

29. If one day you think of someone who loved you, it must be me. If one day no one loves you, it must be that I am dead.

I won't run away again. I won't back down again. I hope I have the opportunity to be responsible for your happiness, health and happiness. Love you forever!

3 1. Thinking of you is a kind of beautiful sadness and sweet melancholy, but in my heart, it is a kind of warmth that no language can express.

32. At this moment, because I miss you, everything is no longer important. At this moment, because I miss you, everything becomes foggy. At this moment, because I need you, time is so hard.

33, coffee and partner, coconut milk sago, just like you and me, perfect match! If I don't marry you, I will become an "old bachelor"!

34. what Waste paper? Is that a long lyric poem I wrote, or do I propose to you ... don't you understand? Then what are you doing for your brother? He is a garbage collector. Can he read poetry?

35. How many times have you appeared in your dream? How many times have you been called by yourself? I just want to hold your hand and walk the road of life. How great love is! Get married!

Young man, you don't even have five dollars, do you?

An idiot married a wife. On their wedding night, he asked, Who am I? Hearing this, the woman looked at the wall and said nothing. Men know it's impolite and apologize. The woman said, don't interrupt, I was counting, and the man suddenly fainted!

Just started school, a girl transferred from the middle school next door is quite beautiful. The teacher asked her to introduce herself on the platform. The girl went to the podium and said, Hello, my name is Jiao Yuan, and I am 17 years old this year. Thank you. On hearing the name, I smiled. The teacher glared at me: What are you laughing at, Mai Biyan? I .......

My daughter is three years old, and my wife came home from work at noon last night to have lunch together! Wife: Honey, did you watch TV last night? My daughter looked at me and asked, Dad, did I watch TV last night? Me (hesitating for three seconds): No! Daughter: No! Mom ~ wife: hmm ~ hum, you two are so treacherous ~

I remember a few years ago, I met an old fortune teller on the road. At that time, he stopped me and insisted on giving me a divination. I asked him, "What can I do for you?" The old man confidently replied, "Well, five dollars is nothing." Me: "Do you think I have money in my pocket now?" The old man stared at me for a long time and asked me strangely, "Young man, you don't even have five dollars, do you?" Crazy, really not. . . . .

Once again, the reporter went to interview penguins and asked what you are doing every day now. Penguin: Eat, sleep and play with peas! Ask the second, the third ... the answer is the same. The last one arrived, and the reporter said, Are you Doudou? Penguin slapped the reporter. Crying, I fell asleep. . . Go to sleep. . . .

When I was a child, I dug in the yard and dug up an antique jar with a good seal. I thought it was a treasure left by my ancestors, but when I opened it, it was modern money. . . I gave the money to my mother, but my father beat me up. . .

I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating. Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip. Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened. Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?" Girl: "cold". Boy: "I'll cover it for you when it's cold?" The girl blushed and whispered "Yes". Then the boy stood up and put his hand on the drip bottle.

When I went to the drugstore to buy gunpowder, I saw a sister weighing herself on the scale at the door. While she was not looking, her boyfriend came up behind her. Sister looked at the results, obviously paused, turned and hugged her boyfriend, and actually began to cry ... crying. ...

In high school, my deskmate and I made a bet on helping each other cook. On the first day he lost, he helped me cook and gave me at least half a catty of rice! Then say don't waste food! I am a girl. I'm hurt. I lost the next day, he said with a smile, keep playing. I'm not afraid! I can eat as much as I want! So I waited in the last row before the delivery truck left and only gave him a bite of rice.

A monk came to the canteen and bought a bottle of shampoo and two cans of beer. Curious, a friend asked the monk: wine and meat pass through the intestines, but the Buddha stays in his heart. Master, you don't need this shampoo, do you? Monk: Oh, this is for my wife. Friends think that a master is a master!

Dad called and said something had happened to my sister. I hurried home to see my sister sitting on the sofa crying, and my mother's eyes were red. I quickly asked my dad what happened, and my dad said, "Your sister deleted your mother's happiness, and your mother hit level 500!" "

Thunder to the limit, yo, the young man has to take a selfie with his booger.

My wife has a big face, but she has lost more than ten pounds recently, so she looks at herself in the mirror and feels sorry for herself: "Look at my oval face!" " After listening to this, the husband watching TV curled his lips contemptuously and said, "Hey, that's not a melon face, that's a sunflower face! "

1, "Are you still alone after all these years?" "Bullshit! Will I TM become a dog! " "No ... I don't ... I didn't mean that ... (explain or correct what I just said) I mean ... where's your other dog ..."

2. When I came home and saw my wife drinking pesticides, I quickly grabbed the bottle. Sure enough, the prodigal bitch is the most expensive one.

In the vegetable field, I saw a Chinese cabbage die. Grandma asked me and my mother how it died. Mom said calmly, it is estimated that other cabbages are so tall, it is so small and stressful, but after thinking about it, it still won't work …

4. "Do you have acrophobia?" "I only have acrophobia, not acrophobia!" "Really!" "Do you have acrophobia?" "yes! I feel dizzy when I look down at my toes! "

The girl trapped by love stood on the high cliff, and all the grievances suddenly welled up in her heart. With long hair in the wind, she cried to the empty valley with tears in her eyes: "Wang Sicong, I love you!" " There was an echo in the valley: "Ah, shameless little bitch dares to seduce my husband and jump for me!" " "

6. When we ordinary people are guessing which friend around us will be the next purchasing agent, the stars are guessing which friend will be the next squatting or the next ice bucket challenge.

7. I'm losing weight recently and having lunch with my mother-in-law. Mother-in-law said, "Eat more, and you won't get sick." I said, "What about losing weight? Eat your son again and don't want me. " My mother-in-law said, "If you are fat, my son will not want you. I'll tell you a rich man, and then split the dowry fifty-fifty ... "

8. The son asked his father, "Why choose a good day to get married?" Dad said, "Because you won't have a good life after marriage."

9. The score of the first place 100 quarreled with the score of the second place 97. The second place said, "What's the big deal about the score of 100? I'll get a hundred points next time. " The first place said, "Your score of 97 is the limit. I got 100 because the test paper was 100! " "

10, went to the zoo to see tigers when I was a child, and vowed to keep one when I grew up. After 20 years, my dream has finally come true. Anyway, it's time to cook for my wife.

1 1. I went to my girlfriend's house to play. My girlfriend blushed and asked me, "hmm ... do you want to go to the bedroom with me?" Oh, my God, there is a play. I quickly asked her tentatively: "Is there WiFi in the bedroom?"

12. Use photos of my husband and children as screen savers. The children saw it and asked me why I used her photo as a screensaver. I said, "Because my mobile phone is in my hand every day, you are my treasure!" " My husband is very romantic and asks, "I am also in that photo. Am I the treasure in your hand? " I gave him a disdainful look and said, "You think too much. I want you to know that you will never escape from my palm! " "

13, he is a bully, she is a scum, she loves him, so she confessed to him: "I like the way you study hard!" " "He smiled and said slowly," for the first time someone confessed to me, let me make a paper to calm down! " "

14, "Doctor, you have to save us. We have not been pregnant for three years, and our parents are still waiting to have grandchildren! " Doctor: "No way. It's all your own problems. " "No, doctor, please help us." Doctor: "First of all, you have to find a girlfriend."

15, girlfriend: "I fell into the water with your mother. Who will you save first?" Man: "boring, always asking, won't you change the question?" Girlfriend: "Oh, who will you throw into the water when your wife quarrels with your mother?" Man: ...

16, "Waiter, do you believe I can split the beer bottle with my bare hands?" "Don't believe it." "Then don't fucking take the wine container."

17, I went to see my mother dancing in the square dance. She not only asked me to pretend not to know her. I have to point to her and her friends and say, look how well that aunt dances. ...

18, the woman said, "I don't want your house, your car or even your birthright. I just want your people. " The translation of this sentence is: "I really don't want money, I just want a printing machine."

19, the man asked, "Are we together? Can only give me a one-word answer! " The woman replied, "Hey!"

20, stay with mom at night. Mom snapped and turned off all the lights. I said, "Mom, what are you doing?" Mom: "I'm blackmailing you!" " "I ...

One day, when the goddess came home, her father said to her: Don't always let men pay the bill outside! Because after they bought a single order, they don't know how many instant noodles they will chew in the dormitory next! After hearing this, the goddess thought it was very reasonable and sent it to Weibo. And then ... he painted all the boys he liked black.

22. There is a two-yuan shop in the town. When it went to the market, it used its horn to shout: all the goods in this store are two yuan, and two yuan is the same. My brother drank some wine and spent two yuan to take away the horn he had been shouting. The boss is in trouble.

23, the teacher asked to write a composition, the request is very simple: as long as it can make the teacher cry, even if it passed! The next day, one of my buddies handed the composition to the teacher. After the teacher opened it, he sneezed and cried ... Another teacher saw it and asked: Is this composition really touching? The teacher cried and said, which bastard sprinkled pepper on it! Akiko ~ ~!

24. I went home by bus after work yesterday, and I felt a little itchy inside my nose, but there were many people on the bus. As a gentleman, I couldn't help it, so I took out my mobile phone and blocked it ... At this moment, my aunt sitting next to me said loudly, Yo, the young man wants to take a selfie with his booger! Driver, I want to get off. ...

25. A couple went on an adventure and got lost. They were thirsty and hungry and ate everything. At this moment, they saw a river. Soon, the husband caught a big fish in the river and said happily to his wife, "Look, we have fried fish to eat!" " "There is no oil." "Then cook!" "There is no pot." "Grilled fish!" "There is no fire." "Drowned and eaten raw." Then he threw the fish into the river.

26. Last Valentine's Day, my boyfriend and I went to donate blood, and the test results came out. I am type B, and he is also type B. Then, I asked him: What kind of blood do you think our children will shed in the future? Idiot boyfriend: 2b, of course ... and beat him up!

27. On a business trip, my wife called me: "Husband, there are thieves at home. I am so scared. " I comforted: "Don't be afraid, if you turn on the light, the thief will scare away when he sees your plain face."

28. My friend said that the cactus she just bought is refined, and it will move when watered. Let me get there quickly. When I arrived, I was shocked by what I saw. What a poor hedgehog.

29. You ask your sister for her phone number. If you think the phone number her sister gave you is fake, you can change a few numbers and look at it again. If the sister corrects you, it means that the numbers are true, new skills!

Many years later, I lay in my hospital bed and said to my son, "Son, remember to show me the finale of One Piece after I die." My son said to me sadly, "Dad, I'm afraid such a difficult task can only be handed over to your grandson. I'm afraid I can't get it then ... "

Editor's Note: I saw the news of Kai Ko's drug abuse on TV today, and we chatted while eating. Recently, many stars have gone in because of this. After dinner, I teased my nine-year-old nephew and asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He thought for a moment and replied solemnly: "I want to be a drug policeman when I grow up, so I have the opportunity to collect more signatures of stars!" " I can't refute it after listening to it. I am speechless!