Kaiyuan fortune teller _ Kaiyuan fortune teller

What kind of fruit has a mobile phone? A: Radish and vegetables have their own tastes.

Men can't find a girlfriend, so they have to tell their fortune. Fortune teller: You are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life. The man's eyes lit up: what about the second half? The fortune teller said: You will get used to it for the rest of your life.

September 28th is Confucius' birthday, so what's the date of June 28th of 10?

A: The full moon of Confucius.

One day, a medium-rare steak was walking in the street. Suddenly he saw a medium-rare steak in front of him, but he ignored him. Why don't they say hello? A: Because I am not familiar with it.

Chocolate and pineapple fight, and chocolate wins. Why? Chocolate bar.

Chocolate fights with pineapple, and pineapple loses. Why? A: pineapple cake.

What fish is the most stupid? A: Shark (stupid) fish.

The tortoise built a house in its shell and got into it. {Guess a health care product} A: The tortoise in calcium tore down the house, built another house and got into it. {Guess a health care product} A: New calcium is in calcium.

The tortoise tore down the house again, built another house and went in. {Guess a health product} A: Super calcium.

Once I went to buy breakfast and found that my usually unsmiling boss was also waiting in line. I was very nervous. After greeting, I said to the chef, "Master, please give me a steamed stuffed bun and two breasts!" " "... for the first time in two years, I heard the boss laugh so loudly.

Another one, when we were in junior high school, we rang the bell after class. Once, just after class, the bell rang and the teacher was still there. Suddenly, a boy who was sleeping in class suddenly bounced up from his seat and screamed, "Mom! Get up and cook! I should go to class! " ……

Once I went to a hotel, I was very confused at night, and suddenly I heard someone knocking at the door for questioning. Woman: Hello? Me: What can I do for you? W: I want to ask the handsome guy, how to write Kun in Kunming? Me: Oh, the last day above, the next day is more than ... (Sweat)! W: Then, can we have a try? I'm dizzy, miss. I'm not afraid. What I'm afraid of is that miss has culture. Dizziness.

The young woman reported: "I put my money in my bra and was stolen by a handsome guy in a crowded subway ..." The policeman wondered: "You didn't notice such a sensitive place?" The young woman blushed and replied, "Who would have thought it was money he touched?

A woman said to her cheating husband: If you dare to divorce and marry that little demon, I will marry her father. From now on, my son will call you brother-in-law and you will call me mother! My husband fainted on the spot, and since then he has behaved himself …

My wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery and turned into a beautiful woman to go home in a few days! When he came in, he said to his puzzled husband, "What's the matter? Don't know me? " The husband paused, then said in surprise, "Come in quickly, my wife is not at home."

One day, I suddenly found that I had a big aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt and a fifth aunt, but I didn't have a third aunt. So I went to ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt? I thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young? My dad said angrily, your third aunt is your mother!

A girl met a gangster at night. The gangster asked fiercely, stop! Why are you going? The girl didn't want to be robbed of money, and said piteously, go and borrow money. The gangster still asked fiercely: What do you borrow money for? The girl was afraid of being robbed. She said that she had no money to treat sexually transmitted diseases. The gangster roared: get out!

Mr. A found that there was often a short message from a stranger on his wife's mobile phone, and each message had the same content: "Brother Zhao asked you to do something for me." One night 10: 30, Mr. A caught the cheating wife and the man who was having sex and cursed: TMD, do you think I can't read that message? I/kloc-take off your bra at 0: 30! The boy said to the girl, "I fell in love with you at first sight!" " "The girl asked strangely," when did you first see me? The boy quickly explained, "It was a school day." I saw you and your family come to school. The skirt you are wearing is very beautiful! "! !" The girl was furious: "I didn't wear a skirt that day, it was my mother who wore a skirt!" " "

Speaking of a small secret bank, I finally broke into the safe and found there was no money in it, but I put some jelly in it. The thief was puzzled, but he couldn't think for nothing and ate the jelly. The next day, Mr. Thief bought a newspaper specially to see how much influence stealing a bank can bring. Hey ~ since it made headlines, the only sperm bank in our city was stolen last night!

The dog proposed to the bear, and the bear said, "I don't want to marry you, I want to marry the cat." The dog was puzzled and asked, "Why?" "The bear said," If I marry a dog, I will have a bear. If I marry a cat, I will have a panda! " "

There are three children sitting in front of the clinic-a big boy, a little boy and a girl. The nurse asked, what's the matter, little friend? Big boy: I swallowed a glass ball. The nurse asked the other one, and you? Girl: That glass ball is mine. The nurse asked again, what about you? Little boy: I will play next!

Somali pirates: "3 million dollars, one price!" " "China official:" 2.5 million! Pirate: Do you think I'm stupid? I know you said 250 was a curse! China official: "Three million is three million! But the invoice should say seven million! " The pirate's eyes were full of tears and he held up his thumb: "You still insist on robbing money! ! ! "A new foreigner lives next door to a friend. One night, a foreigner knocked at the door for help and said, "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." The buddy looked down at his watch and said calmly, "It will be like this on TV all over the country from 7: 00 to 7: 30 in the evening."

The priest plays golf, and the nun watches. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, a thunder chopped the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

The 7-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with the 20-year-old adult and said, "Aunt, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly: "Not small, how small!" My little niece gave me a pathetic look and said, "Nothing, mine is very small ~"

One day, my brother went to the primary school attached to Normal University to play basketball. He heard a junior girl ask a junior boy on the playground, "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mother gives me money from 3 yuan every day, of which 2.5 yuan is for you to buy snacks.". Do you think I love you or not? ! ! "

The old man divided his inheritance before he died. He said to his eldest son, "Your daughter-in-law is going to give birth soon. I'll leave you my passbook." He said to his second son, "You are getting married soon. I will leave you the house." . Finally, I said to my youngest son, "I don't trust you the most." I don't have a girlfriend yet, so I will leave you the most precious legacy. " The younger son was secretly pleased, and the old man said, "There are more than 300 young girls in my QQ number friend column, and the number is * * * *."

In the human body class of the Academy of Fine Arts, a girl angrily threw her pen on the ground and scolded the male model: I'll be big soon, and I'll be small soon, so I won't let anyone draw!

A girl scrimped and saved, bought a brand-name bag and gave it to her companion excitedly: "Look at these two letters, LV! Did you see it? " The companion said, "gee, is this pinyin?" I learned it in elementary school, donkey ~

Every time my wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. This happened more often, so her husband asked her curiously, "What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? " The wife said, "Brush the toilet!" The husband asked, "Can you get rid of the air by brushing the toilet?" The wife said, "I don't know. It's all your toothbrush anyway."

My son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today." Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad next time you fail the exam!" " "The next day, my son came back:" I'm sorry, brother! " "

A leader set the telephone number of Xiao San as the "mayor" in his hand. Every time Xiao San calls, his wife says, "Come on! The mayor called! " After the leader answered the phone, the mayor asked me to go. When I was about to go out, my wife said to me in the back, "Work hard!" "

Xiao Li wants to immigrate to America. The leader asked him, "Are you dissatisfied with your salary?" Xiao Li said, "Satisfied." "Not satisfied with your house?" "Satisfied" and "dissatisfied with the Internet environment?" "Satisfied" and "dissatisfied with medical care and children's schooling?" "All satisfied!" "If you are satisfied, why do you want to immigrate?" "Because dissatisfaction is allowed!"

Who has more loyal bodyguards, China or the United States? The United States ordered bodyguards to jump off the 10 floor. The bodyguard knelt down and said, "Come on, I have family." . So the president of the United States gave in. China * * * ordered the bodyguard to jump, and China's bodyguard was about to jump without saying anything. The president of the United States quickly caught him in fear. China's bodyguard said, "Come on, I have a family."

Joke: As soon as the director enters the office, the wife of the director of the office breaks in and waves a pair of women's briefs and says to the director, "My husband wears women's underwear when he comes home at night. You must take care of it." The director nodded repeatedly and stuffed his underwear into his pocket. When I came home at night, the director's wife found the briefs in the director's pocket when she was washing clothes, and said to the director, "Don't joke like this in the future, people have been looking for it all day."

Male students go somewhere on business, while female students go to see him. When they talked about salary, the gay man learned, "What is your after-tax salary?" "Female classmate face a red, whispered:" what money to sleep with old classmates, you sleep first, I'll take a shower. "

Someone asked the doctor, "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?" Doctor: "First, give up drinking." Someone said, "I never drink." Doctor: "Second, abstain from color." Someone said, "I don't like women at all." Doctor: "Third, eat less meat." Someone said, "I am a vegetarian!" Doctor: "Then why did you live so long?" "

On the plane, I saw a beautiful woman sitting in my seat. So I asked a gentleman, are you from 36A? Mm blushed and replied: I … I'm from 36B … I'm Genghis Khan: Sister … I think … I think you misunderstood, I mean my seat is near the window 36A!