Lan Mei fortune-telling

1. Yesterday, I dreamed that God said I could have a wish. I took out a globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to look good. On reflection, he said that I would take another look at the globe.

2, the woman is ugly, can't marry, and hopes to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, but she insisted on not getting off. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: Let's go, don't want the car.

Twenty years ago, my father held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and my father cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and pig off the plane. Then the parrot said to the pig, "Don't be silly, I can fly."

An old farmer was hoeing in the field, and a crow flew over and took a shit and landed on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Depend on your mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Shit! You shit and wear underpants! "

It is said that a lady bought a female parrot on a whim. I didn't expect to take it home. The first thing it said was, "Do you want to sleep with me?"

When the lady heard this, she thought: No, outsiders thought I was teaching this, which didn't ruin my image as a lady. So she tried her best to give the parrot something elegant, but the mother parrot was very determined and would only say, "Do you want to sleep with me?"

..... What should I do? When the lady lost her mind, she heard that the priest had a parrot (male). The parrot not only didn't swear, but also was a devout believer, praying most of the time every day. So the lady went to the priest for help. After understanding her purpose, the priest looked a little embarrassed and said, "Well, it's difficult. In fact, the parrot didn't deliberately teach it anything. The reason why I am so pious may be because I have been edified here for a long time. "

Seeing that the lady was very depressed, the priest said, "Tell you what, you bring me that parrot and I'll put them together." . I hope your parrot will be affected after a period of time. That's all I can do. It's up to God ... "

Hearing this, the lady can only do this. Isn't there a saying: Is it near Zhu Zhechi? Just try it. So she took the parrot to see the priest. The priest put two parrots together as promised. At first, the female parrot was a little stiff. Seeing the male parrot in the corner of the cage and praying silently, I really can't bear to bother. But she still can't help herself. Finally, the clear voice said, "Do you want to sleep with me?"

Hearing this, the male parrot stopped praying, turned to look at the female parrot, and suddenly burst into tears: "Thank God, my wish of praying for so many years has finally come true ..."

7. Girls should not say that.

A man said to a woman, "I invite you to dinner."

The woman said, "Some other time."

8.saving bucket

A widow went to buy cucumbers and told her not to slice them, but the cucumber seller forgot to slice them. When the widow saw it, she scolded, "Do you fucking think I'm a money bucket?"

9. Internship

A large group of girls went to the farm for internship, and the bishop of the farm milked the cows. After the demonstration, they taught everyone to try it by themselves. At this time, a girl was puzzled to see that others had squeezed a small part of the tube, and her own was only a little. The farmer came over to have a look and said, Miss, you not only squeezed in the wrong place, but also chose the wrong cow.

10, a handsome guy wants to buy condoms.

A handsome guy wants to buy condoms, but he doesn't know the size. The waitress had no choice but to check it and said to her colleagues around her: a box of 5 inches, oh, no, 7 inches ... Oh, my God, go and get the toilet paper. . . . . . . .

1 1, ran into an ex-girlfriend flirting with a new lover.

Shadow Pig has just been abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my second-hand goods!" " Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and the inside is brand new!" "

12, gone.

Roll call after class. If you don't come, 50 points will be deducted from the final grade! When I saw a brother, I jumped over inexplicably, and he shouted, "Teacher, you are beside the point!" " "

The old teacher over sixty lowered his head and said, "No ~"

13. One summer, a young man in slippers got on a bus. He sat down and crossed his legs. Opposite him sat a girl in a miniskirt (without underwear), and the bus left! ! Suddenly! A brake! Boys' feet are inserted into girls' BB, hey! That's what happened! After two days, the girl felt that her BB was very uncomfortable and went to the hospital. When the doctor examined her, she was surprised and said, "Wow, your BB has beriberi, which is very strange."

Just then, the door was pushed open and another doctor broke in and said, "What's so strange about this? There was a young man with syphilis on his feet just now! ! "。

14, before the masquerade, the wife suddenly felt unwell and asked her husband to go to the party alone. Later, the wife felt better, put on a fashion that her husband had never seen before, and drove to the dance. Just entering the door, the wife saw her husband flirting with other women, so she was jealous and decided to test her husband. She walked up to her husband and threw herself at him with a charming voice. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to have fun. In the middle of the night, when everyone was about to take off their underwear, their wife quietly left. And her husband didn't come back until three in the morning.

"How was the dance?" The wife asked. "It's not funny at all." The husband replied. "What the hell did you do there?"

The wife asked repeatedly. "To tell you the truth," said the husband, "when I got there, I saw some friends without their wives, so we played cards in the study." "Have you been playing cards all night?" The wife screamed. "Yes, but I lent my clothes and mask to another old friend. That guy boasted to me at the end of the dance that it was the best night of his life!

15, wedding night, the bride has undressed and gone to bed.

The groom also took off his coat, shirt and tie, but when he got the shoes, he was in trouble.

Because the shoelaces won't untie, the more you tie them, the more you tie them. The bride was anxious and said, "What a fool! There is a knife there, just cut it with a knife! " "

The bride's mother eavesdropped in the next room to see if everything was going well. Hearing the bride say this, she shouted, "No, you can't use a knife." She said through the wall, "Tell him to wipe some saliva."

16, there is a couple. The husband likes bowling very much, but he is also afraid of his wife, who loves smoking. One night, the wife found that she had run out of cigarettes, so she told her husband to buy them. The husband had no choice but to buy it, but it was already late and the nearby grocery stores were closed, which worried him. The husband suddenly thought that there should be smoke in the bar, so he went and went to the bar.

In the middle of the night, the husband suddenly thought that he forgot to buy cigarettes for his wife. He was afraid that his wife would kill him if she knew, so he asked the lady if she had talcum powder. The lady was very strange, but she gave it to him anyway. The husband put talcum powder on his hands and went home. As soon as he entered the house, the husband saw his wife standing there angrily. The wife asked her husband, "Where have you been?"

The husband honestly replied, "There was no place to sell cigarettes on the roadside, so I went to the bar. When we get to the bar and see a beautiful woman, we will strike up a conversation, and then we will get a room. "

After listening, the wife said to her husband, "Give me your hand!" "

The husband obediently held out his hand for his wife to see. The wife was furious and said, "I didn't say you went bowling with your friends!" " What happened to your hand! "

17, a couple went to live in the suburbs, and the hotel owner told them to bear it, because the power was often cut off at night because there was not enough electricity.

Unexpectedly, the couple not only didn't mind, but also felt very exciting, so they agreed to make out as soon as the power went out.

Sure enough, at night, the electricity was cut off every two hours. After several times, the man had to drag his tired body to consult with the hotel owner. "Boss, I am willing to pay more, but would you please do me a favor and turn off the electricity every four hours?"

The hotel owner smiled awkwardly and said, "I'd be happy to help you, but it's a pity that you came a little late." Your girlfriend has just given me more money on condition that the electricity is stopped every half hour! " "

18, carrot sees ham sausage and says: Wow! Too rich. I'm wearing a fur coat. Sausage: What's this? Look at sausages. They are wearing real leather, and we are still wearing this kind of artificial leather.

19. Kangaroos and frogs fuck chickens. The kangaroo listens to the frog next door all night. One, two, three. Hey! Kangaroos are so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said, "Wow! ~ ~ Brother Frog, you are great! " The frog said, "Cao, I didn't jump on the bed all night!" " ~~

It is said that a shy little boy was attracted by a beautiful and elegant woman. Shy, he secretly observed her life every day, and finally found a cycle-she had to go to the noodle restaurant to eat noodles one day a week.

He felt the time was ripe, so he waited for her at the noodle restaurant one day. When she walked into the shop and sat down, he took a deep breath and strode forward to ask her name.

He said, "Miss, what's your name?"

The young lady opened her eyes wide and said to him, "My name is beef noodles."

2 1. A couple watched people dancing in the ballroom. The husband said with emotion, "This world is really strange. That ugly and stupid man has a beautiful wife. " The wife smiled and said, "honey, you are really flattering."

22, Zhu Bajie's love letter (funny)

Yulan: Hello!

Yesterday was a sad day for the whole world, and I finally left. I'm going to the Western Heaven on business with two other old bachelors, one is the Monkey King and the other is Tang Priest. I may not come back until three or five years later.

Can you imagine my feelings when I left Gaolaozhuang? I am a three-step pig. How I wish to stay in Gaolaozhuang and live a happy communist life with you. I plow, you weave, I pick dung, and you stock it. Harmony and beauty, kindness and love. When your father's legs straighten out, we will work together in Qi Xin to give birth to a large group of piglets. Then Qi Xin will work together to send them to study and train them into millions of pigs and doctors in the future. When we are old enough to have only one front tooth, we won't regret wasting time, and we won't be ashamed of doing nothing. What a great sense of accomplishment. We dare to pat our fat meat and say that all our life and energy have been dedicated to the most magnificent cause of pigs and strive for their succession.

Unfortunately, all these beautiful dreams were punctured by that damn monkey. I took you away and burned my hole. I worked hard for many years, scrimped and saved, and only dared to kill 300 steamed buns in one meal. Finally, I bought a Xue Huadian brand 2 1 inch color TV and a bulldozer brand electric fan, which were donated by the dead monkey to the hardest hit area-Rebecca. Although color TV sets are often full-screen Xue Huadian, electric fans often roar like bulldozers, sweating. Dead monkey, if I can't beat him, I'll kill him, cut him into many pieces and dry him in the sun. Why haven't you eaten monkeys? I'll let you taste it one day.

And that damn monk, go to the Western Heaven and get some bird scriptures. I suggest that he use door-to-door mail or door-to-door air transportation. He just wouldn't listen and insisted on getting it himself. Timid, I want to call a large group of people. In addition, there are plane phobia, train phobia, ship phobia ... He is afraid of everything he sees except riding a mule and horse with serious homosexual tendencies. There are also such freaks, and the state should quickly pay for captivity and set up a protection fund. Besides, what's the use of getting the classics back? It's just a facade in the study, which makes people wonder about his identity as a farmer entrepreneur. I know such people too well. You can't go. It's an old fool to catch up with the Tathagata. Guanyin is just in menopause, which annoys me and makes me easy to get laid off. I can't help it If you have difficulties, you must go; if you have no difficulties, you must go.

Yulan, I really hate to part with you. As the saying goes, husband and wife get along well for a hundred days, but we get along well for two years. Although you always hold a pair of sharp scissors, I haven't touched a finger of yours, and we don't have a bed driving license issued by the civil affairs department, after all, we have lived together for two years. It pains me to think of the bits and pieces of our life together (this is an idiom, light light blue, I'm afraid you don't understand, so I have to explain it. Cut with scissors. I looked it up in many dictionaries. I know you are also upset, but what can you do? The ancients said: If the relationship is long-lasting, it will be sooner or later (the ancestors speak a little yellow, please don't blame your wife), Yulan, you must wait for me to come back. And I will definitely organize a homecoming group to kill it. Please be confident about this.

Zhu is as slim as an orchid.

Tears of Pig Brother Bajie

Xuan Tong was a boxer for thirteen years.

23. A Chinese Odyssey: I once had a sincere love in front of me, and I didn't cherish it. When I lost it, I regretted it The most painful thing in the world is this. Cut your sword on my throat! Don't hesitate any longer! If God can give me another chance, I will say three words to that girl: I love you. If I have to add a time limit to this love, I hope it is-ten thousand years.

Stephen Chow's classic dialogue on picking up girls (prepare yourself first .. ~ laugh to death)

First, the bus platform

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you stepped on my foot."

Pretty girl: "No, I'm so far away from you."

Zhou Xingxing: "I mean, if you accidentally step on my foot, you are stepping on my foot."

Pretty girl: "psycho."

Zhou Xingxing: "Wow, miss, you have a good eye. I do have a history of neurology. I usually see beautiful girls having seizures. "

Pretty girl: "You men are always like that, saying boring things to attract girls on purpose. It seems that you think you are handsome. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you are wrong. I never feel handsome, but I am handsome. "

Pretty chick: "Don't be so disgusting. I am going to throw up. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Before you throw up, may I ask you a question?"

Pretty girl: "fart quickly."

Zhou Xingxing: "Why do you deny my handsomeness without conscience?"

Pretty girl: "Go away ..."

2. On the bus

Pretty girl: "Why are you again?"

Zhou Xingxing: "Sometimes I am everywhere."

Pretty girl: "Do you know you are annoying? You have to sit next to me, not so many places. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Miss, you see, I'm just sitting in an empty seat, and there's only you next to that empty seat, that's all."

Pretty girl: "There is an empty seat in front, too. Why don't you go? " "

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I see. So do you want to see my ass, or do I want to see you and my ass? "

Pretty girl: "Get out ..."

get off (a vehicle)

Pretty girl: "Why did you get off again?"

Zhou Xingxing: "It's not because of you! I like hanging out. "

Pretty girl: "I accuse you of sexual harassment. Which unit are you from?" "

Zhou Xingxing: "You mean gold, or Joule, Newton?"

Pretty girl: "Do I know you very well? Always say such nonsense, sorry, I don't catch a cold! "

Zhou Xingxing: "Yes, we don't know each other at all. We are like two green strawberries on the same branch, sour and sour. "

Pretty girl: "I watched some Chinese Odyssey and learned a few words about Tang Priest. Do you think you are humorous? " ? "

Zhou Xingxing: "Humor is innate. Blame my mother. By the way, my father ... "

Pretty girl: "nerve."

Zhou Xingxing: "Your mother is crazy."

Pretty girl: "Your mother is crazy."

Zhou Xingxing: "Look at you, it's obviously your mother, but you insist that it's my mother. Do you want to ... "

Pretty girl: "Get out ..."

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken Gate

Pretty girl: "No way, why am I so unlucky to meet you again?"

Zhou Xingxing: "I found it, too. I think my predecessor's crime must be very serious."

Pretty girl: "You speak clearly! I want to kick your ass! "

Zhou Xingxing: "Don't you dare. I will scream. "

Pretty girl: "What's your name?"

Zhou Xingxing: "indecent assault."

Pretty girl: "Do you think someone will talk to you?"

Zhou Xingxing: "It doesn't matter if I don't. I will come back and be indecent. "

Pretty girl: "My God, you are such a scoundrel. You are really blind! " "

Zhou Xingxing: "Well, yes, otherwise there would be no so-called elite in this world."

Pretty girl: "..."

Verb (abbreviation for verb) in KFC

Pretty girl: "Don't talk, I get bored when you talk."

Zhou Xingxing: "I haven't said it yet. Can you be reasonable? " "

Pretty girl: "I told you to stop." You talk like a fly. It's disgusting. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, so words can play such a big role. It's really earth-shattering Can I work part-time? "

Pretty girl: "Do what?"

Zhou Xingxing: "Go to the hospital to help people with gastric lavage."

Pretty girl: "You are hopeless. Go back and deal with things early. "

Zhou Xingxing: "I don't want anything before I die. I just want to say a few words to you, but I'm afraid you won't agree. Will you promise? " ? "

Pretty girl: "Go ahead, reasonable requirements can be considered."

Zhou Xingxing: "Will you treat me to KFC?"

Pretty girl: "Go to hell ..."

Step 6 get out of KFC

Pretty girl: "Don't you have a girlfriend? Wandering alone on Sunday? "

Zhou Xingxing: "To be exact, I don't have a girlfriend, but I have a female friend. Why do you ask? "

Pretty girl: "Nothing, it's nothing to care about your lifelong events." "

Zhou Xingxing: Well, why not? You, like me, are my beloved. "

Pretty chick: "Who? .."

Zhou Xingxing: "My mother. She always likes to ask questions. "

Pretty chick: "If there weren't so many people watching in the street, I really want to hit you."

Zhou Xingxing: "I'm not afraid of others seeing you hit me. What are you afraid of? " ? What about you? Aren't you with your boyfriend? "

Pretty girl: "don't worry about it!" "

Zhou Xingxing: "Oh, I see. Abandoned by her boyfriend, I want to find a psychological balance. "

Pretty chick: "Dogs don't spit ivory. To be clear, I don't want to find it. "

Zhou Xingxing: "Think of me, I will suffer."

Pretty girl: "Please stop disgusting me."

Zhou Xingxing: "I can be your extra unconditionally. If you need a boyfriend, please call * * * * * * * ".

Pretty girl: "We'll talk about it then."

Zhou Xingxing: "Can you tell me your phone number?"

Pretty girl: "We'll talk about it then. Stop bothering me and scolding you. "

Zhou Xingxing: "OK, then send a message to scold me."

Pretty girl: ..................

7. Go home separately

Pretty chick: "Strange, I really want to send a message to scold him."

Zhou Xingxing: "Hehe. It is strange that she didn't send a message to scold me. "

Pretty girl: "It's over. Do I really like that scoundrel? " "

Zhou Xingxing: "Hey, hey, she doesn't like me as a scoundrel. This is the end. "