Sister Dong's fortune telling _ Master Dong's fortune telling

Are there any jokes that can relieve my depression?

1. When I was a child, the TV series Hunters and Rogue Tycoons was released. An old woman in the yard said, "There will be a big rogue hunter tonight." . . . . . .

An unfamiliar colleague chatted with me, and the content of the chat was extremely boring. What happened to him and his girlfriend? What happened?

I was speechless. After he spoke for a long time, he looked at me. Maybe it means that I have to make a statement after what he said.

In an instant, I really didn't know what to say, so I blurted out: Is your girlfriend a woman?

I have had a cold for a long time! ! ! !

3. When the junior high school teacher talked about the ancient Babylonian civilization and the Sumerians, the history teacher excitedly said that "there are Shu and beauty in the two river basins", and more than half of them laughed on the spot.

4. Buy a pot helmet and have dinner together. A man comes forward: Boss, two helmets!

Good teeth, good appetite and delicious food. . . )

There is a classmate named Huang Jiajian in my high school class.

One day, I didn't go to class. When the old class came into the classroom, I saw that his seat was empty.

Just asked: Hey, where's Huang Jiajian?

After the whole class laughed, they all called him Huang Gupo.

6. In the past, the exam teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted "Teacher, I have it, I have it". As a result, the boy sitting next to me said, "It's mine, it's mine", and the whole class was shocked ~ ~ ~

I worked in a factory two years ago. One day, my master and I (actually older than me 1 year) went to the factory to handle affairs. The material engineer is a big sister named Dong, in her forties. After that, the host was very polite and wanted to say, "Sister Dong, you go." The result is: "I see."

8. Another time, I went to buy breakfast and found that my usually unsmiling boss was also waiting in line. I was very nervous. After greeting, I summoned up my courage and said to the chef, "Master, please give me a steamed stuffed bun and two breasts!" " ~

~ ~ ~ Woo ~ ~ It's the first time in two years to hear the boss laugh so loudly ~ ~ ~ Depressed ~ ~ ~

9. My friend's child is half a year old, so I'm calling to care. After a few commonplaces, I said: Does your child eat human milk or yours now?

10. One night, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning." ...

1 1. In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of The American Ring today!"

12. I went to buy watermelons that day and heard someone ask the melon seller: Does your watermelon have skin?

13. A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and several chickens came to peck at it. The farmer sweeps it, the chicken scratches it, then sweeps it and scratches it. I can't take it anymore. I cursed, "you bad thing, I scratch, you sweep, I scratch, you sweep."

14. One day I went shopping and I was in a hurry. I found an internet cafe in front, rushed into the door and shouted at the stationmaster: Where is the toilet in your toilet?

15. When I bought rice in the canteen, I saw the long-awaited tofu skin. When I was excited, I told the waiter that I wanted a potato skin, which surprised everyone around me.

16. Due to business trip, I have to go to the Bank of China somewhere to repair the equipment. After getting out of the hotel and taking a taxi, I said to the female driver, "Go to the Bank of China and buy a knife at a hardware store." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "I don't want the fare after buying the knife. Please find another one. "dizzy! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.

17. The political teacher once said, "Let me give you an example." Then he felt wrong and said, "Give me an example."

18. I remember it in Hanwu the Great.

Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions with new ironmaking materials.

A good sword was refined and Liu Che took it to Li Guang.

Li Guang kept repeating:

Your majesty, good sword (base), your majesty, good sword (base) ...

silent ...

19. What a nice donkey!

20. In junior high school, the teacher asked the translator who this person was.

A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

2 1. Last time I went to McDonald's, I told the clerk that I wanted a bag of potato chips, but they saidno. I said, what store doesn't even have potato chips? Then I turned and left. . .

22. During the mid-term exam, there was a pant-shaped pencil box on the girl's desk behind me. As soon as I turned around, my pencil box fell off. I said, "Well, you dropped your pants."

23. I remember there was a dog in Lu Yu, and nearby MM shouted in surprise: Ah, there is no dog in that tail! !

23. Too much butt.

24. I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets for toy guns and directly said to the old man in the toy store: buy a pack of original (round) bullets!

25. My classmate explained to me how to make an inquiry call.

I wanted to ask if it was a real person or a voice who answered the phone over there. I said, "Is it a living person or a dead person who answered the phone?"

26. Carry a lot of things and gg to find a place to store bags at the train station.

A policeman came face to face, and gg immediately stepped forward and asked politely, "Excuse me, how can I get to the place where the bag is buried?"

27. In the political class, I talked about political issues between China and Japan, and talked about Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section.

The teacher said, "Japanese samurai were all delivered by caesarean section before they died ~ ~ ~"

28. I once called a customer named Wang, and the switchboard was answered by a MM, with a sweet voice. She told me his extension number. I didn't know if the king I was looking for was a man or a woman, so I asked by the way, "Is he a man or a woman?"

29. In college, one of my classmates just bought a mobile phone and got a mobile card. He called 1860 to ask about it. At that time, he was excited: May I ask about your mobile phone business? . . From hands-free, we actually heard the telephone operator say politely: We are moving to bring business. . . The whole dormitory burst into laughter.

30. In the eleventh year of junior year, my classmates went to work in a shopping mall selling fish. The guest took the selected fish, and my classmate gently pointed to the fish killing platform and said to him:

"You in the past, someone will kill you. . . "

3 1. Yesterday someone said he would introduce me to a girlfriend. I wanted to ask "is it good?" but it turned out to be "cheap." Sweating to death!

32. The teacher told us: "Be honest in the car for the spring outing, and don't always throw your head and arms out. . . "

33. My husband is thin. Once I was in a hurry and said, "Honey, you look as thin as a pig!" "

34. One day, I went to the famous Da Qiao Road food store in Tianjin to buy food. I want to buy an old lady cake almost every time! As a result, I saw a slightly smaller cake that looked basically the same, but I was not sure, so I asked my assistant aunt, "Is this the cake of the little old woman?"

As a result, the audience is neither humble nor supercilious.

35. My cousin runs a kindergarten. Once she was in a hurry and asked me to help her take care of the children 1 hour, play games and tell stories. Facing a dozen children for the first time, I was so nervous that I was tongue-tied: "Children, today my aunt told you a story about Aladdin and the Magic Lamp ..."

36.

Outward depression

stretch into ....

37.

Original broadcast: Two gangsters wounded me and fled 1 10 police.

The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 police and fled.

(Huang Feihong reincarnated! )

38.

In high school, my brother and I were in the same class, and he sat behind me.

One night, our geography teacher asked us:

Which one of you is the elder sister? Who is the younger brother?

I stayed there.

39.

Once I bought cold rice noodles and went back to my dormitory. I went to another dormitory and found my roommate eating my cold rice noodles.

When they saw me coming back, one of them said to me, why did you come back? Cold rice noodles are getting cold!

40.

I wanted to drink soda that day, so I went to the cold drink stand and said a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, when I saw the beer in front of me, I said in a hurry, "Boss, have a bottle of fart water", boss. ...........

4 1.

Just now, a colleague read the newspaper and asked, "How many games did China win yesterday?"

China is one, but Singapore can't produce negative numbers.

In the past, there was a game called "a handful of dollars" on the red and white machine. We usually call it "John in the wilderness".

43. Some commentators: Rush out of Asia and the world!

44. Once, my husband and I quarreled, and he scolded me: "Pig!" I scolded him: "You are the husband of a pig. . . "I really feel like a pig after scolding.

45. One of our colleagues, when taking the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner:

Report instrument, examiner is normal ~ ~ ~ ~

46. I remember once, I went to KFC with a sister. I heard her muttering in the queue, a chicken leg burger and a pair of chicken wings. It is her turn. As soon as she opens her mouth, she laughs at everyone. She wanted to say "Miss, a chicken leg hamburger", but it turned out to be "a calf, a hamburger".

It was a big scar when the bowl fell.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

3, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ The whole class is cold!

When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine.

9, buy oranges, boss: one yuan and five pounds. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, one day when I was at school, there was a phone call for me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "

15, once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here", but this time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23, a colleague, one day I had a flat tire while driving and asked where there was an inflatable one. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions!"

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. When the teacher leaves homework, I copy others' if I can't do it, and then go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "

27. On one occasion, when we traveled to Huangshan Mountain, the tour guide only introduced that the Hundred Steps Ladder was a scenic spot in Liu Xiaoqing. Suddenly, a member of our group blurted out: "Director …" Everyone fainted.

28. At that time, several female classmates came to my house to play. I'll get the water. They turn on the DVD player to watch movies. I heard Cantonese in the back room. Then I shouted to turn down the channel. The channel is wrong, and I am speechless. My face was red and purple ~ ~ I almost fainted ~ ~

29. In my high school, I go home with my MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there were many seniors on the grill, I was afraid that the boss wouldn't hear me, so I shouted "Boss, five strings of bullwhip", and then there was silence. Three seconds later, everyone laughed together. I am so embarrassed. . . The most embarrassing thing is that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail." .

30. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

35. In the past, we had a political economy teacher who was very fond of talking! I once talked about the strength of the dollar. He said, "Do you know why only the US dollar is called' Dollar', but you have never heard of it as' British Gold' or' French Gold'?"

36. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

37. The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know why I made the following mistake: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently, please eat more!" " At that time, everyone was spouting rice. .

38. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " I laughed until I got off ~!

39. I used to be crazy about online games, and I often killed myself in Internet cafes. After the semester, I went home with a group of friends, and the train was about to leave, but we haven't found the platform yet. I suddenly said, "MD, why isn't there even a coordinate here?" ~ "The elder brothers burst into laughter after hearing this ~ ~

40. When I used to live on campus, I used to have bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

4 1, when I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

42. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

43. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

44. The roommate boiled water with hot water. After the water boiled, the fellow read leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Do you want to unplug it?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it out? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

45. Our head teacher teaches senior three math ... When he reviews for us ~ Every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Watch it, classmates ~ ~ I took it.

46. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."

47. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

48. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

49. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "

50. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

5 1. Once in ktv, I ordered a song, and a mm shouted: Give me a stick chop of "Double Jielun" every week. .....