Fortune-telling sketch

Can you help me find the dialogue of this sketch? Thank you.

This is the essay "Psychologist" by Feng Lan Cup of Dalian University of Technology.

A: There are four kinds of fools: those who don't hang themselves in love, those who take medicine without illness or disaster, those who yell at handsome guys like me, those who stare at sketches and don't laugh. I'll see if there is such a person present today. If you don't laugh after I talk for a long time, you are sick and anxious. Ask me what I do? Psychiatrist. To tell the truth, my major is fortune telling, but the police are very tight. I can't help it. The old ones have all transferred. I opened a psychological clinic in the public. This will not only make money, but also give full play to my specialty of cheating. Alas! Why are people so smart? Yes, come and live. Stop fooling around.

Hey, come on in!

Ouch ... Doctor, is this a psychological clinic?

A: Yes, yes ... Do it quickly!

B: Alas! Doctor, you said this man ... Oh, no, no ... He's a big shot. Why is he so tired?

Why do you say that?

B: If you listen, I'll tell you slowly.

My name is bachelor, and my nickname is stinky tofu. My girlfriend is as fierce as a tiger and peels me to the bone.

The kitchen knife danced in front of me and the broom touched me. Yes, I'm shy. Yes, I am in pain.

I'm no happier now than being a widow. I've tasted the joys and sorrows of the world,

I don't even know if I am a man or a woman now.

You look as thin as a dog. You must have suffered a lot! Come here, come here, let me see your face.

B: how do we look at faces?

Oh, we have a new treatment.

B: quite complete!

A: Small eyes, single eyelid and golden hook nose. Why does this mouth look like a navel? Oh, come on, brother, I tell you, all the shortcomings of human facial features are in your face alone. The people of the whole country will not agree unless they are abused!

Do you think it's my fault? But then again, I am really out of breath and annoyed with her these days. Isn't it? We need a taste of domestic violence. I have nowhere to hide! Dude, I have to go to the bathroom now. I want to go on like this, I really want to lay the floor next to the cesspit.

What do you mean?

B: it's not far from death!

A: Then you won't shit in the corner!

B: Corner shit? What do you mean?

A: Angry. (Pull up B) Try to be strong.

B: angry, trying to be strong? Why me? You don't know the details. On weekdays, she blocked me economically, isolated me politically, devastated me mentally and tortured me physically. But what I can't stand most is that she abandoned me in life.

A: abandon you? Isn't this an easy virtue? Ah, but this is also a common phenomenon. Here you are. I'll send you a pair of couplets. The first part is "As long as my life is ok", the second part is "Even if my head is a little green" and the second part is "Ninja Turtles"!

Oh, no! Brother, is this the key? It mainly thinks I'm timid and doesn't want to be with me.

A: Oh? That was a mistake. Think you're a coward Then let me ask you, how did you two get together?

B: Speaking of which, I have to mention another master, my first love.

A: First love?

B: Yes!

Oh, my God! After hearing what you said, alas, it also awakened my budding love and reminded me of my first love.

A story?

A: Don't interrupt, I feel it. Ah, it was a moonlit night. "Moonlight, don't laugh at me silly. My sweetheart is a fool. Where are you, Biya? I must find him. " Oh!

B: Ah, ah ... Doctor.

Hmm.

How about seeing a doctor?

A: Sorry, sorry ... Where were we?

B: Speaking of my first love.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry to interrupt you. Go ahead.

B: She said he/she would wait for me in the next life.

Really?

That's natural. When I confessed to her, she said to me very gently and tactfully, "I want to be my boyfriend, wait for my next life."

A: This next life.

B: You said it was her first love. How could she do that?

A: This matter should be more open-minded. First love, just for exercise, even derailment, unlimited prospects!

You're right, doctor. Since my first love left me, another woman has appeared in my life, that is, my current girlfriend, pulling in front of me. I think she was gentle and kind, and she was also the goddess in my heart. Not at all. My brother said her quality was too poor.

How bad is that?

Oh, this ... is not good ... My brothers wrote him a couplet to describe her quality. Listen,

* The first part is: Look at the back, you are in a hurry, and the second part is: turn around quickly and scare away all the princes.

A: Hey, hey, what about the horizontal batch?

B: Still asking about the horizontal batch? ! "Holy cow!"

A: Well, she has grown up like this. What do you want from him?

B: It's said that a lovelorn man is fragile ... that's how I get along with her.

Since I was with her, I got up earlier than the chicken and ate worse than the pig every day.

It's not just a donkey! Don't say anything, brother. All tears.

A: Look at your cowardice. I can tell at a glance what you usually look like. You are definitely that kind of person: wash your face in the morning instead of your neck, pick a leek box when you eat vegetables, ride a broken mule at school, and your mobile phone is like a big lunch box. I want to know why you have the face to live. !

I said, why did you bury me? You think I don't want to die. I jumped off a building, too, and asked my predecessors who had similar experiences before jumping off a building.

A: I can think of it.

B: I never fight unprepared.

What did they say?

B: It's fine. My predecessors told me: if you want to have fun, go to the sixth floor; If you want to struggle, go to the fifth floor; Want to be disabled, go to the fourth floor; I want to go to the hospital for 80 days and go to the third floor; If you want to scare people, go to the second floor; If you want to watch the excitement, go to the first floor.

What floor did you go to?

To tell you the truth, I came one step at a time.

A: The sixth floor?

B: 1 building

A: Isn't it just one step at a time?

Why are you so stupid? If you jump from the sixth floor, you have to jump to the first floor in the end! Jump off the first floor in one step! What's the matter? !

Well, you can go to hell. It doesn't matter if you die a hundred times, that won't work, you have to cheat money quickly!

B: Huh?

A: Ah, how inhuman!

Where are human rights?

A: To tell you the truth, if you don't treat this disease, it will be useless.

Really?

A: I can still lie to you. Today, you met the blessing you received in your last life.

Can you save me?

A: Ask this undisputed question! Do you know who I am?

B: Who is it?

A: It's nice to sit still. I think I broke the hearts of thousands of women in Qian Qian from the beginning! Even now, it is still being hunted by countless female killers!

I have a famous saying: If I am handsome, I will be punished and I will be chopped to pieces! ?

B: Senior, my senior! Then you must save me.

A: OK, nothing. Sit down, sit down. In view of your situation, I will give you two packages to deal with your girlfriend, one is a horror package and the other is a peace package.

A horror package? This is too scary. I am timid. Let's get started. Talk about peace.

Peace package?

Hmm.

A: This involves intellectual property rights.

I see.

A: Intellectual property rights. That's ...

Do you think this is ok?

Oh, long live understanding! Hey, look at your sincerity, I'll tell you! Peace package, described in the simplest language, is-breaking up.

B: You don't know the situation! I still have 2000 yuan passbook at her place. When we broke up, there was nothing. That's it!

You're not a mouse escorting a cat-you need money badly.

B: That 2000 yuan is not a small sum.

A: Besides, how can such love be hung on a tree?

What should I do with it?

A: We should master such a basic rule.

Tell me about it.

A: Keep two, keep one and develop 34567.

B: Then why?

A: It's too simple. Development is the last word. This is the universal principle of Marxism.

Don't talk to me about politics, okay, doctor? To tell the truth, I failed politics for two and a half years, which is beyond my power. All right, I'll give up today. Tell me that terrible story.

This makes me very embarrassed.

Oh, I'm embarrassed, too

A: Only fifty dollars?

B: Huh? There's still some change here ~ can I take it?

You don't think I dare accept it, do you? ! (So ...)

Really?

Listen, this horror package may be dangerous. He needs perseverance and courage.

B: Perseverance and courage? Gee, what do you think of this … I'm a jumper anyway, big brother? I don't have any perseverance and courage yet.

A: That's right. I forgot about it. Gee, at least you're the one who skipped it. Therefore, the horror package is self-mutilation.

B: self-mutilation

Hmm.

B: How can it be disabled?

Answer: To be specific, you are blind, crooked mouth and broken arm and leg!

Oh, my God, this is terrible.

What are you scared of? How kind you are, you can't take care of yourself, and you don't have to take care of those jobs.

Simple ~

B: I don't have to work, so I don't have to live!

If you don't want to be a servant, be a Li. Have the right to learn from Wei Zhongxian!

Doctor, you're asking me ..............

Yes, I'll change it for you.

Yes, you are wrong. You must change it.

Is your present position equivalent to that of a housewife?

B: Almost.

A: You have no right to decide anything important.

B: it's a big deal! I have no right to trifle!

Listen to me. Oh, if you don't want to be … be Li. Have the right to learn from Wei Zhongxian.

B: Please ... Are you asking me? ...

A: (Nodding violently) Do great things, regardless of section!

B: No way! After all, we are men, so we should be real men. Doctor, can you make me a real man again? I'm begging you, can't this work?

A: Then be fierce!

B: fierce?

A: Ah.

B: You don't know. Where there is resistance, there is oppression! How can I be fierce? I

A: OK ... You sit down and talk. I tell you, drink!

B: Ah.

A: Alcohol is scary. Drink something high. You don't know anything.

B: Is that all right?

Listen to me. After drinking, use your cow's strength to find an armor to block, scratch and kick her. I don't believe this, I won't kill her! !

B: But nobody can die!

I just want you to scare her. The old lady is wearing lipstick-show her some color!

Is this all right?

A dog bit its ass-gnawing (definitely) the ground!

B: Yo, yo. Telephone. Give me a minute. There is something wrong with my mobile phone. Lend me your phone.

Why is this patient like this? I only charge you such a little outpatient fee, how can I get the mobile phone fee? Call quickly. One more thing, is this to call your girlfriend?

B: That's right.

A: First, we must be ruthless, and second, we must be steady. I can't stand it any longer. Be sure to shout, shout out.

B: OK. Hey,

A: Yes, that's it. Howl!

How? Oh … wife … no, I have no problem with you. The signal was bad just now. What are you calling about? ... invite classmates to dinner, ... at Pizza Hut ... Let's call it ... Pay ... How much ... 880 ... Oh, it doesn't matter. I have no problem with you. I mean, it only costs 880 yuan for you to invite four students to dinner, so I can save money. Ok, I'll be right there. Bye. Doctor, I have to pay my girlfriend. I think what we said today is quite good. Listen to you teach me in the future. I'm going to go now. thank you

Oh, my God! This man is really a coward. But then again, most girls are amazing. Now it is really: men are feminine and women are barbaric. But I can't make money without so many men. Ok, call my wife quickly and cook more good dishes tonight. Oh, call! Hey, that boy must have taken his mobile phone away from me.