What does the orange tree mean?

Anti-virus skills

Two good friends are talking about computers together. A: "My father bought me a computer last month." B: "How do you feel after using it?" A: "Don't mention it, I just got the virus in one day!" " "B:" Then you can fix it. "A:" No need to repair. I haven't turned on the computer at all this month. Let's wait until the virus starves to death. "

see a doctor

A doctor went to see a doctor. The doctor checked it and said, "It doesn't matter, just an injection." The doctor wiped the students' arms with cotton wool, which was repeated three or four times. Thinking that he was seriously ill, the student asked anxiously, "Doctor, is the problem serious?" The doctor said seriously, "classmate, it's time for you to take a bath."

Joke, joke

References:

1. Speak loosely

Dad said when saying the idiom "snipe and clam fight": "After the clam clamped its strong mouth, the clam said I wouldn't let go today or tomorrow. The sun will kill you! "

When the 6-year-old heard this, he asked his father. "Don't mussels talk with their mouths?"

"Can you talk without your mouth?"

"Does it not let go?"

Step 2 don't eat candy

Mom: "The big chimney in this factory is really annoying. Black smoke billowed all day. This makes me breathless. "

Xiaohong: "Never mind, I'll get you Dad's smoking cessation candy."

What can be done today is done today.

Father: "What can be done today must never be put off until tomorrow."

Son: "It's so easy. Bring the biscuit box! "

4. Goldfish dyeing

When the father saw his son pour blue ink into the goldfish bowl, he asked him why. children

The son said, "goldfish will become blue goldfish when they eat blue ink."

make progress

Brother: "How do you call progress?"

Elder sister: "I did more things today than yesterday."

Brother: "Dad has made progress. Yesterday, he smoked and burned a hole in his clothes. Today, he burned three. "

6. Progress is really fast.

Son: "Mom, I got the fifth place in this exam. Boil an egg for me quickly. "

Mom: "Good boy, progress is really fast. Mom cooks two eggs for you today. "

Son: "Thank you, Mom!"

Mom: "How many people are there in this exam?"

Son: "Five people."

7. Pears in the mirror

Mother: "Why do you eat pears in front of the mirror?"

Daughter: "Can't you eat two pears like this?"

8. Infer from one example to another

"Dad, how do you write the word" cake "for moon cakes?"

"It's the word" cake "for sugar cake."

"How do you write the word" cake "for sugar cakes?"

"It's the word" pancake "for pancakes!"

"How do you spell pancakes?"

"You idiot, I can't teach you by analogy!"

9. Crying is better than laughing

After watching the movie "Laughing is better than crying", Pingping said to his mother, "Mom, crying should be better than laughing."

"Why?"

"Because when I cry, I can get anything."

10. Abuse of words

Hello, my dearest father! Have you been as strong as an ox recently? Is the work thriving? Now I am studying hard at my own risk. The teacher praised my great achievements, which made me feel smug. You criticize me for abusing words, and I will definitely give up all my efforts and make a comeback. May dad live forever! Your youngest son, baby.

1 1. The price of wolf meat has not increased.

In front of the stationery counter, a child took out a dime from his pocket and said to the salesman, "Aunt, buy a wool brush."

Salesman: "Kid, the L wool of a wool is 5 cents."

Children: "Wasn't it L Mao last week?"

Salesman: "the price of mutton has gone up, so has the price of wool!" " "

Child: "Let's have a wolf hair. Aunt, the price of wolf meat has not increased, has it? "

12. The teeth of the elderly

Chen Er asked his mother, "Our family has good food every day. My little brother is also my mother's favorite baby. Why not give him a little milk to drink and nothing to eat? "

His mother said, "Because my little brother has no teeth and can't chew, he must eat milk."

Chen Erqi said strangely, "I don't think the old man next door has teeth in his mouth either. Why didn't the old woman give him milk to drink? "

13. Sister

Mr. Zhou Lao shaved and went home. The girl next door saw it and said, "Uncle Zhou! Look at your face, you don't look like an old man. "

Lao Zhou is very happy. "Do I look like a young man to you?"

Girl: "no, I said your face looks like an old girl!" " "

14. From the teacher.

Child: "Mom, we have finished the exam."

Mom: "Look how thin you are. Mom will boil some eggs for you. "

Child: "No, the teacher gave it."

to tell the truth

"Uncle! Thank you for the balloon you gave me yesterday. "

"What are you thankful for this kind of cheating on children?"

"I think so too. But my mother takes care of me, and no matter what I take, I have to thank her. "

16.

Dad: "You have studied world geography. Do you know which countries have the largest population in the world? "

Daughter: "Yes, it's the United Nations."

17. Sign your face

Child: "Dad, that uncle just now must be your leader."

Father: "There is no sign on his face. How do you know? "

Son: "You have a sign on your face!" " "

18. Good doctor

"Aunt Cai, you are really a good doctor."

"I know nothing about medicine!"

"Where, as long as you are mentioned, the child will stop crying immediately!"

19. Repeat

Son: "Dad, I failed. Don't be sad! " "

Father: "Why?"

Son: "Our teacher failed, too. She came to this class again today to give us a lesson. "

20, don't pick up on the road.

The father took his son to the park and saw a lot of scraps of paper thrown underground. He said to his son, "A man should pay attention to public morality. If you see confetti on the ground, you should pick it up and throw it in the dustbin. "

Son: "but the teacher taught us not to pick up the body!" " "

2 1. Mom lays eggs, too

At the dinner table, the children ate eggs with relish. "Is it delicious? Hey! " Mom asked happily.

"delicious."

"You only know how to eat and what to lay eggs?" Dad wants to test his son.

"Chickens lay eggs, ducks lay eggs and geese lay eggs."

"What are the raw eggs?" "What else? What else? " Dad has been asking.

"..." The son was stumped. After a while, I replied, "Mom lays eggs, too!"

Mom was dumbfounded, and dad slapped his son. The son was unconvinced and shouted; "You often call me an idiot. I wasn't born to my mother? "

22, road zipper

Xiaoming follows his father across a newly built road to kindergarten every day. In the first week, a ditch was dug on the road. Dad told Xiaoming, "This is the water company installing water pipes."

The next week, the road was filled in, but it was dug up again. Dad told Xiaoming, "This is the underground satin installed by the power supply bureau."

In the third week, the road was filled, but it was dug again. Dad told Xiaoming. "This is the gas company installing the gas pipeline."

The fourth week, the road was leveled and dug again. This time, I didn't see anyone present. Father estimated, "This is probably because the Urban Construction Bureau has to install sewers."

Xiao Ming asked his father strangely, "Why did they dig a hole to fill the road?" Why don't they cooperate? "

Dad explained: "Because all projects do not belong to a system management."

Xiao Ming asked, "Then why not put a zipper on the road? Don't they bother to dig and fill like this? "

23. The cat didn't wear wooden slippers.

"When the cat walks, there is no footsteps. What is the reason? "

"This is because it doesn't wear wooden slippers."

24. Never seen it

Mom: "Look at your hands, how dirty they are! When have you ever seen my hands as dirty as yours? "

Daughter: "No, Mom. I have never seen you as old as me. "

25. Go to hell

There is a pupil who often writes "umbrella" as "fate". One day when it rained, he didn't bring an umbrella, so he wrote a note for his classmates to take home and his mother to take an umbrella to school. The note said, "Mom, I'm going home. Please come quickly."

26. it's no use

The 4-year-old told his father, "My uncle gave me candy."

"Did you say' thank you'?"

"I forgot."

"Then say it quickly."

"How, did you say it?" After the son came back, the father asked quickly.

"Yes, but it's no use."

"Why is it useless?"

"My uncle said' you're welcome'."

27. Not so flat

A car ran over a chicken when it passed a small village. The driver picked up the unfortunate chicken and said to a little boy who saw it, "Is this chicken yours?"

"No, sir, my chicken is the same color and appearance as it, but not as flat as it."

28. Beauty is unlucky

Sun: "Grandma! You must not have been a beauty when you were young. "

Grandma: "Nonsense! When I was young, I was really a beauty. "

Sun: "Beauty is unlucky. How can you live to be 80 years old? "

29. Don't delay

Mother said, "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today."

The son said, "So, did you eat all the sugar just now?"

30. Mother doesn't love her father.

Jiang Er asked his mother, "Why do you always hit me?"

Mother said, "I love you when I hit you." I hope you make progress! " "

Ginger thought for half a ring; "Then you don't love dad? Why didn't I see you hit dad? "

3 1. Where is the scenery?

The father took his youngest son panting and climbed to the top of the mountain. Dad said, "Look, how beautiful the plain under our feet is!" " "

"Since the scenery below is good, why should we spend three hours climbing it? Dad. "

32. which is heavier

Mingming: "Qingqing, do you know whether the sun is heavier in the morning or at night?"

Qingqing, "I don't know, do you know?"

Mingming: "Of course it's heavy at night."

Qing Qing: "Why?"

Ming Ming: "The sun is so light in the morning that even the sea can beat the sky. At night, the sun is so heavy that even the mountains can't stand it."

33. Can cows smoke?

Two farm children were chatting, and one suddenly asked, "Does your cow smoke?"

"Are you crazy? How can cows smoke? "

"Oh, then, maybe your cowshed is on fire."

34. The ass is on fire

Beibei: "Brother, what movie did you see yesterday?"

Brother: "Fly to the moon", the fire slides fast and high. "

Beibei: "Then why does Firebamboo fly so fast?"

Brother: "Didn't you see that Jane had a fire on her ass when she flew?" Don't run away from anyone whose ass is on fire! "

inspiration

"Mom, are people really monkeys?"

"yes."

"Oh, no wonder there are fewer and fewer monkeys."

36. Never drink water.

The baby accidentally swallowed an orange core. The neighbor's little brother said to him, "You must never drink water. My brother said,' When seeds get water and nutrients, they will sprout and grow'. If you drink water, orange trees will grow on your head! "

37. Be gentle

It's late at night and the children are still playing musical instruments. Mother said to them, "children, be gentle, be gentle!" " Neighbors are sleeping. "

The youngest son blinked and asked inexplicably, "Mom, is it still too loud?" We are playing light music. "

38. Agaricus

Son: "Dad, do mushrooms grow in wet places?"

Dad: "Yes, I grew up in a rainy place."

Son: "Oh, no wonder mushrooms grow into umbrellas!" " "

39. One less time

When the father saw his son in front of the cinema, he said angrily, "You don't know anything about learning. You only watch movies. Nine times out of ten, I see you here! " "

The son said, "I am less than you once!" " "

40. Nerve metastasis

My son itches, let my father scratch him. Dad slaps and tickles hard. The son asked, "What is this?" "

This is a new tickling method called nerve transfer. "

"Dad's face often itches, right?"

"Nonsense, what's itchy on your face!"

"It doesn't itch, so why does mom often give you nerve transfer?"

4 1. Save money

"Dad, you can save money!"

"Save what money, son."

"You don't have to spend money on textbooks for me this year. I have failed. "

42. Error

The father reprimanded his son: "The neighbor Zhang Jia is very unhappy because you broke his son's eyes with one punch." You said it was an accident. Is it true? "

"Of course it's true," said the son. "I want to hit him on the nose."

43. What is "fire"

Lao Jiang was idle and concerned about his sons' study, so he asked, "What is fire?"

The eldest son casually replied, "What can light something is called fire."

The father turned his eyes to Xiaoyu, and the younger son mumbled something and didn't answer for a long time. Old ginger was impatient and roared, "You are deaf! I ask you what is fire! "

The youngest son said with a sad face, "When you lose your temper, you call it fire ...? "

44. You can eat any melon.

The family is eating watermelon. The son asked, "Dad, can you eat all the melons?"

Dad said, "Yes."

The son asked again, "Can that fool eat?"

45. It is counterproductive

"How many points did you get in this arithmetic exam?"

"Three points." The words sound just fell, "

Bang! Bang! Bang! "Xiaoming got his father's three soles on his ass." What's your score in the next exam? "

"I don't want it next time."

46. Hand physics

Dad said, "Everything expands with heat and contracts with cold. This is a certain truth. "

His son jumped up and said, "Yo! I see, so I burned my hand yesterday and got a bubble. "

47. Count to one hundred

It was winter, and the teacher was wearing a tweed coat and leaning against the warm fireplace, giving a lecture to the whole class: "Children, think twice every time you want to talk. You'd better count 50 times first, you can't go wrong. " If it's important, it's better to count 100, which is better, you know? Students! "

At this time, all the pupils in the class are busy checking and reading: "... 94, 95, 96,

97, 98, 99, just after watching l00, everyone shouted, "Teacher, your coat is on fire!" " "

The teacher became nervous: "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

"This is an important thing. Calculate 100 first. "

48. Buffalo likes fish.

Grandson: "Grandpa, what is a buffalo like?"

Grandpa: "Buffalo looks like an ordinary cow, except that it likes to live in water."

Sun Yu: "Oh, I see, it must like to eat fish."

49. Sleep well

Mom: "Xiao Pang, you are sleeping. Why do you want to eat the pond?"

Xiao Pang: "Don't you want me to sleep soundly at night?"

50. Make it smaller

Dad bought Jingjing a New Pants, but it wouldn't wear off when it was in the water. Mom scolded dad angrily. Jingjing said, "Mom, why don't you give me a bath and shrink?"

5 1. The sun is timid

The younger brother said, "The courage of the sun is really small!"

My brother said, "How can I see it?"

The younger brother said, "because it dares to come out during the day!" " "

52. lick it

A child stood in front of the iron shop, watching the blacksmith strike the iron, but he couldn't stand for a long time. The blacksmith hated him so much that he picked up a red-hot soldering iron and put it under his nose, trying to force him to go away. The child said, "If you give me a dollar, I will lick it."

The blacksmith took out a dollar and gave it to the child. The child took the money, licked the paper money, put it in the bag and left.

53. Thinking of you

Son: "Dad, do you have money?"

Father: "I still have a dollar in my wallet."

Son: "I'll give you a dollar I usually save."

Father: "Why?"

Son: "Because you like spitting everywhere, one dollar is not enough."

54. why

Child: "Dad, what kind of cigarette is this?"

Dad: "Remember, smoke is a chimney."

Child: "Oh, I see! Why is dad's nose not called' chimney'? "

55. Ask for directions

A pedestrian asked a child, "Excuse me, little brother". Where do these two roads lead? "

The child said, "The one on the east side can lead to my house. The one in the west, but not to my house. ...

56. Rare animals

Dad: "Son, do you know any rare animals in South Africa?"

Son: "There are polar bears."

Dad: "Son. Polar bears are not found in Africa. "

Son: "That's why it's a rare animal!" " "

57. cats in summer

In winter, the sky is full of snow and very cold.

Ming Sheng asked his mother, "Mom! We all put on a lot of clothes one by one, but it's still not warm. Why don't cats freeze to death without clothes? "

His mother smiled and said, "You are really beautiful! Cats have a lot of hair, which can cover many of our clothes. Why does it still feel cold there? "

A few months later, Ming Sheng has come back from school for the summer vacation. One day, his mother suddenly saw the cat jump out of the study and shouted, "Ouch!" " Where is the hair on the cat? "

I saw Ming Sheng snatch it from the room and said, "It's very hot now, and our fur coats have been here for a long time. The cat was still wearing such a thick sweater. I was afraid it would be hot, so I took scissors and cut it off for him. "

58. imagine

There is an alcoholic father. According to magazines, one of the effective ways to cultivate children's intelligence is to ask children some imaginative questions frequently.

So, I found my son and tried to ask, "If you have a magic pen of Ma Liang, what are you going to draw first?"

"Erguotou, Dad."

59. Small elevators

A child went to the drugstore to buy medicine. As soon as he entered the door, he said, "Boss, buy medicine."

Boss: "People are not small."

"Little cicadas sing louder!"

"knowing that there is no tongue!"

"The dustpan has a tongue. Didn't it ring yesterday? "

"It's made of bamboo, of course it doesn't ring."

"The flute is also made of bamboo. Why is it ringing? "

"The flute has eyes!"

"A sieve also has eyes. Why doesn't it ring? "

"The sieve is dead."

"Firecrackers are dead things. Why is it ringing? "

"It has medicine in its stomach."

"You also have medicine in this shop. Why doesn't it ring? " The boss was struck dumb by the child.

60. dutiful son

Son: "What will happen to you if I get the first place in my class?"

Father: "Then I am really happy!" " "

Son: "Dad, don't worry, I won't let you die!" " "

6 1. Fortunately, it is not.

Father likes hunting, but he always comes home empty-handed.

"Lucky, Dad," sighed the naughty little son. "Fortunately, this is not a primitive society!"

"So what?" Father asked puzzled.

"Our teacher said that people in primitive society lived by hunting. If they were all like you, I'm afraid we would have starved to death! "

62. Repair rain boots

After a heavy rain, Xiaoling dragged her father's big rain boots to play with water. There is a hole in the rain boots, and there is water.

Xiaoling thought, this is easy to handle. Just open another hole and let the water flow out. So he made another hole in his sole with scissors. If the water in the rain boots accumulates more and more. Xiaoling sighed: "How many holes does the water have to open to get out?"

63. Wait.

Father: "You are responsible for teaching your brother well."

Son: "What if he doesn't listen to me?"

Father: "That proves that you are incompetent."

Er Yu: "What if I don't listen to you?"

Father: "That proves ..."

64. Because ...

Mom: "Why do you keep doing somersaults?"

Son: "I just finished drinking medicine." I forgot to shake the medicine in the bottle before drinking. ...

65. Never die

The mother gave the candy to her son, who ate it in a short time. He said, "Mom, can you give me something to eat?" Let me put it in my mouth and taste its sweetness for a long time. "

The mother smiled and replied, "Stupid boy! Any food will be destroyed once it is chewed and swallowed. "

The child replied, "Then my brother eats milk every day. Put it in your mouth, no matter how you eat it, it's still two complete breasts. "

induction training

Son: "Dad, where do I put this manuscript?"

Father: "invest where there is more money."

Son: "How about China People's Bank?"

67. Fish don't sleep

Three children, A, B and C, are talking.

Jia Gaifa asked, "What is the most industrious animal in the world?"

The second child said, "Needless to say, the hardest thing is cattle and horses."

Child C said, "In my opinion, the hardest animal is fish."

They were puzzled and asked him, "What do you mean?

Zi Bing replied: "Although the cows and horses are hard, they still have a place to sleep at night, just like fish swimming in the water all day. Isn't it the hardest job to have no place to sleep? "

68. Month and day

Wang Zhenya asked his brother Zhenhua, "How big is the moon? Still big? "

Zhenhua said: "Nature is enormous."

Zhenya said: "Since it is huge, why can it be synthesized for 30 days a month?"

69. Another one

Mom: "What did you work out for this question?"

Son: "5"

Mom: "That's clever, even if you come out so soon. Give you five cents to buy popsicles. "

Son: "Mom, write another question, 100!" " "

70.buy another one

The child's beloved bird died and he was very unhappy.

His father said, "buy another live one!" " "A few days later, a man died next door and many people cried around him.

The child rushed over and said, "My dad said: Buy a live one when you are dead."