Funny dialect Sichuan dialect fortune telling _ Funny dialect Sichuan dialect fortune telling?

Joke 1:

Sparrows and crows form a dragon gate array together.

The sparrow said, what kind of bird are you?

The crow said: I am your phoenix!

Sparrow: How can a phoenix be as black as your turtle son?

Crow: You know shovels. I'm a Phoenix sulfur-burning boiler.

Joke 2:

One day, when we were discussing how tall Yao Ming was, Sichuan PLMM, who usually likes to wrangle next to me, wrangled again: "How tall is Yao Ming? There is a man in our hometown who is much taller than him. "

"who?" We asked in unison.

"Leshan Giant Buddha", she said proudly.

Everyone fainted, and two glasses fell off. ...

A GG is not convinced: "Isn't it more than 70 meters ..."

But it was interrupted by this Sichuan MM: "Is it only more than 70 meters?"

Another man said confidently, "It's 7 1 meter."

So, you people don't even know some basic common sense. "The MM plausibly said," the somebody else sitting in 765438+0 meters, how do you stand up? "

Everyone fell to the ground. ...

"You let him stand up!" This GG is still unconvinced

"Well, people have been sitting on the river for more than 1000 years, and they have been arthritis for a long time. Try it for a few years if you have the ability! " They are completely speechless. ...

Joke 4:

A teacher assigned a task to her students, making sentences with "pleading" and "demanding".

After the exercise book was handed in, one of them answered all his life: Yesterday my mother stewed a pot of pig's trotters. When it was not ripe, my father ate a piece and said, "Please don't move." Mom said, "I ask you to chew!" " "

Joke 5:

The plane shook violently. Stewardess: "Ladies and gentlemen, there is always something wrong with the plane. Two engines are broken. We may have to do this. "

We'll talk about it later. "Passenger:" When carrying your mother, it was a wave. If all four engines were old, we wouldn't be in heaven.

Stay overnight.

Joke 6:

The plane was buzzing with people, some carrying snakeskin bags, some carrying live chickens and ducks, and the security inspector was sweating: "Come back!"

It's just that you have to make up the ticket. You are overweight and old. ""why? Last time, two bags of potatoes made me too old. Another passenger leaned in and said, "Come on, brothers, have a cigarette." Look at my live chicken bag. If there is no room in the cabin to tie them to the wings of the plane, these balls will be old. Anyway, they can fly by themselves without consuming the oil of the plane ... "

Joke 7:

Before the opening of the Olympic Games, two Sichuanese traveled to Beijing and looked at the map in the car. A: "We will kill Tiananmen first, then Zhongnanhai ..." B: "If we want, we will kill all the way along the route you said." Unfortunately, it was reported by people in the same car. After getting off the bus, he was handed over to the public security organ, explaining the situation and being released after n hours. Party A and Party B came to Tiananmen Square and watched people coming and going. They were speechless. .......... Jia couldn't help saying, "Are you silent?" B: "You don't even open your mouth (gun), dare I open it?" As soon as the voice fell, it was handed over to the public security organs. A week later, the two walked out of the gate of the detention center. You look at me, I look at you. A said, "Leha, don't worry, all the bags are empty. Where can we get some bullets? " ..... The armed police at the gate rushed up and knocked them to the ground.

The Central Committee of the Communist Party of China issued an urgent notice: Sichuanese are not allowed to participate in the Olympic Games, which is terrible. This is another story.

Joke 8:

CCTV reporter asked the bus fire survivors: Is there a hammer on the bus?

Survivor: There is a hammer!

Reporter: Do you have a hammer? Why didn't you break the window?

Survivor: Mod! A hammer! A hammer!

Reporter: What? There are two hammers?

Survivor: Oh, there's a shovel!

Reporter: Shovel? That can also be used to smash windows!

Survivor: smash a hammer window!

Reporter: It's breaking a window, not a hammer. ...

Survivor: Oh, I'll tell you a hammer!

Reporter: I said the window!

Survivor: Hammer!

Reporter: What's in the car?

Survivor: There is a wool!

Reporter: Oh, no wonder it burns so fast!

Summary: Be sure to bring a hammer when you go out. If you don't have a hammer, you should get close to it. If you have a hammer, you should hold it tightly. Where there is a hammer, there is a hammer.

Joke 9:

In the afternoon, my classmates worked in Guaxi and China Construction Bank. A disheveled woman (mentally ill) came to his window and gave him a withdrawal note. The note impressively reads "I hereby send Comrade XX to your bank to withdraw RMB". Then there are more than n zeros after the L, and the signature is * * * C.P Central Office * * *.

My classmate wanted to call the police, but seeing that the woman with mental illness was very serious, I thought it would be old to call the security guard. (~ It's estimated that there is nothing wrong with the security guard. Sure enough, the security guard said to the woman: "If Zhang Na wants to withdraw money, she has to go to the police station opposite the door and let the director stamp it. After he seals it, you can withdraw money again. " "

The woman didn't think much and went directly to the police station. Well, that security guard is really unusual, and he is a little underestimated at ordinary times. After about ten minutes, the number of people waiting in line to withdraw money slowly increased, and the neurotic woman came back happily, holding up the note and saying, "Don't be old-fashioned, the office procedures are simplified, and you can withdraw money directly without any director's endorsement." "

When one of my classmates heard this, he couldn't help but sigh: * * * * There are really experts in the team, and a "high profile" was sent back. My classmate and security guard were a little reckless at that time, and there were many people in the business hall. I was afraid that her mental illness would affect the normal order, so I had to call the supervisor on duty. The supervisor chatted with the neurotic woman for a while and asked her what the money was for. The neurotic woman said, "Take money to buy bread, cake, food and clothes." The supervisor pointed to the corner not far away, and the psycho girl was happy again.

The security guard went to consult the "coup", and the supervisor said to the woman at that time: "We are China Construction Bank, and we can only withdraw money from Li Na by building a house. If you take money to buy vegetables, it must be vegetables. You have to go to the Agricultural Bank of China to buy clothes and other things. You have to go to ICBC to withdraw money! " Students really admire wow, who is in charge! ! ! !

After her old age, the neurotic woman turned around again and brought the words of several banks: "The people of the Agricultural Bank said that this is the Agricultural Bank, and only farmers in Cacaly Township can withdraw money. I am the mayor of a city, and I can't do it. The people at ICBC said that we are a public bank here, and only the male can take it, but not the female! ! ! ! Say that I am a bitch and want to go to CCB to withdraw money. "

Joke 10:

There are two Hong Kong people coming to check in at the front desk, which may not have been booked in advance. I heard the receptionist ask him with Trump: "Excuse me, are you Xuan (Sichuan dialect, which just means temporary)?" This is not the funniest, but the key is behind. Hong Kong people obviously don't understand what Xuan means, and their expressions are blank. So the waiter repeated with emphasis: "I mean, are you there?" Hong Kong people were still hesitating and finally spoke: "I ... I didn't come by plane, I came by plane!" " "

The waiter quickly covered his mouth and rushed into the toilet to laugh wildly.

Joke eleven:

First judge the local accents of the following dialects, and then translate them into Mandarin:

Hey yo! Yesterday at noon, it was Hach who blew up, and the leaves returned to the old woman. A ash fell on our yellow son. You went back to your son's for dinner, and you didn't even recognize the brain-dead explosion. I threw up and picked up an egg-sized charcoal to pave the way for the blast injury. As a result, it started in Mao Mao, marking the thinning of my hair.

Joke 12:

I don't know how to cherish an upright cousin in front of me I didn't know until I got rid of it. Your knife has been cut on my neck, so don't sharpen it. If God can let Lao Zi take a second fire, which Tang Ke will I say "stand up for Lao Zi"? If she insists on leaving, I will say "climb together".

In the past year, I had a very comfortable feeling in front of me, but I didn't kill it. When I wanted to give up, he didn't get it! ! ! The most unpleasant thing in the world is right under this nose. However, if God gives me another chance, I will definitely say to him: I love you to travel to Shudu for a day.

Joke 13:

There was a farmer in Lu Yu. When the farmer heard that this man was very talented, he thought that he was also a famous firewood in Fiona Fang for dozens of miles, and he could not let this Li Taibai steal the limelight.

So the farmer went up to Li Bai and said, "I heard that you have learned a lot. How about I give you a pair? "

Li Bai thinks I am also a master of poetry. A farmer made a couple and agreed with the bird.

I just heard the first couplet spit out by the farmer: "You are white, you are too white, your wife is white, your wife is too white."

Li Bai's sweat, I thought for a long time, but I didn't come up with it. This couplet is amazing. No choice but to ask the farmers to make a second contact.

The farmer simply smiled and said, "I am black, I am black, I am black, I am black."

Poor Li Taibai, I only have my own cold bird. ...