Selected funny quotations and sentences on the Internet.

Humor is a kind of life interest in life, which can make people relaxed and happy and relieve stress. The following is carefully arranged for you, I hope you like it.

Internet funny quotations and sentences

1 Da * * I found that someone didn't flush the stool when urinating, so I frowned and just put on my pants to go. The toilet manager came in to have a look. Seriously, he didn't flush the urine clean! Damn, no quality.

Recently, a pimple has grown on * *. In the evening, while my roommate was away, I took off my pants and looked in the mirror. I was fascinated by it. A roommate came in, staring straight and shouting: * * *, what an honor! Stay up late at night and enjoy chrysanthemums here! "

Aju was bullied one day, crying and crying, and then drowned herself. Feifei did not drown. Why? Because Feifei can fly.

Punctuation marks are discussing who looks the most beautiful, and the exclamation point says: My tone is touching, I am the most beautiful! Period: I am beautiful when used in a happy ending! Comma said calmly: I was the representative of the frog before the prince changed!

Wife, my heart is your coat. It covers you, surrounds you, cares for you and cherishes you, so that the wet rainy season is no longer cloudy and the night without stars and the moon is no longer sad. As promised forever, take care and watch your life!

Let me tell you how unreliable online shopping is. I bought a Brazilian macaw in Taobao two months ago, and it actually crowed this morning! . It is ringing. I let it say "hello!" " I stayed for two months for nothing.

A girl pointed to a newspaper and said to her boyfriend, "Look, look, you can get a subsidy of RMB for donating sperm once." The boyfriend nervously asked, "What do you want?" The girlfriend said, "If you can stand it, I want to buy a suite this year.

If life is short, live it! If you feel lonely, fall in love! If you cheat your lover, turn yourself in! If you offend your lover, go to coax it! If you receive the message, please smile!

I wonder how long a meteor can fly and whether it is worth pursuing. I don't know how long the cherry blossoms will last, and whether it is worth waiting for, but I know that your friendship with me will be as beautiful as fireworks, and it is worth keeping for a lifetime.

10 Mathematicians and girlfriends are hanging out in the park. My girlfriend asked, "Do you really mind my freckles?" The mathematician gently replied, "Never! I was born to like dealing with decimal points. "

Internet funny quotations, sentences and jokes

1 I like to get to the bottom of it since I was a child. I want to be a detective when I grow up. Now I am the editor-in-chief of a newspaper. What about you? ""I like playing since I was a child. When I grow up, my wish is to carry a lot of money around. Now I am a bus conductor. "

Your graceful figure, gentle dance steps and sweet voice fascinate me. I want to sleep with you on my pillow and warm my arms. I sent a text message asking if you agreed, and you just replied shyly: "Meow!"

One day I went to dinner with my friends, and then I ordered a whole cucumber, which I just ate in my mouth. My friend said that the one you ate had thorns? I said no, and he said that it is usually used without thorns. Shit, I sprayed it.

The husband drove out. My wife listened to the radio at home, and when she heard the report, she quickly picked up the phone: Dear, I just heard on the radio that there is a car reversing on the expressway, so you must be careful. Husband: Which one is it? I think hundreds of cars are going backwards.

For more than 5 years, thank you for your silent company. Cold weather gives me warmth, hot weather is not too wet and salty, and always accommodates me and tolerates my shortcomings. Although there are flaws, you still don't dislike me. I miss your smell! Old socks.

The boss told us a joke in the office today, and everyone laughed hysterically except Xiao Li. I smiled and asked him why he didn't laugh. Xiao Li replied coldly, "I have resigned."

A beautiful young woman asked a fireman: You must have worked hard to save me from danger, didn't you? Fireman: Yes, I once beat off three firemen, and they all tried to save you. Haha's laughter ...

Uncle 8, remember to cover your mouth when you laugh. Be careful of your false teeth.

9 explanation is cover-up, cover-up is dishonesty, and dishonesty is lack of cleaning up!

A knowing smile, a comforting word and a silent hug are enough.

1 1 I believe you are blind10%; Trust you, 20%, life imprisonment.

12 Some guys said there was a beautiful woman in front of them, but she turned around and raised her eyebrows: Do you want to touch her?

13 I will cherish those who say good morning to me every day, because not everyone can think of me when they wake up.

14 Some people are alive, but she is dead. Some people are still alive, and he should have died!

15 I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. Looking back, I streaked in too many chefs for more than ten years.

16 There is an ugly monkey in the zoo that makes everyone vomit. One day I went there and I threw up. One day you went there and the monkey threw up.

17 face is a thing apart from the body, but whether it is necessary or not, money is a must.

18 sisters said, tell your fortune tomorrow, and count those lives.

19 No matter how bad the mud is, as long as it turns to the wall, something can always stick.

Women conquer men with * * *. Men conquer banks with * * *.

Short sentences of network funny quotations

1 comma was dumped by his girlfriend and was heartbroken. Friend comfort: forget it, forget her, it's no big deal! The little comma cried: I can't forget it. I bought her a lot of things, all on installment.

Two-year standards for trendy people: fashionable life, advanced consumption, globalization of lovers, diversification of career, desertification of troubles, mechanization of good luck, grouping of friends and daily blessing. I wish you happiness, happiness and scale!

One day, the Mullah asked Afandi, "How are you going to serve the king in the future?" "I can at least dig the king's grave." Two generations of love replied.

Someone threw the leftover bagasse on the ground at will. A glutton picked it up and chewed it, but he couldn't chew any juice, so he cursed: Which glutton can't chew any juice?

Aju bought a fake mobile phone and showed off its long standby time of 100 days to colleagues. And he died in a day. Aju ran to the shop assistant for a theory, and the shop assistant pointed to the mobile phone box, which read: "Long standby day"!

What is the real connection between husband and wife? That is, the wife spoiled, snuggled up to her husband and said, "husband!" " "Without thinking, my husband said," No. "

After watching the news, my wife excitedly asked: If you fly into space by Shenzhou, what do you want to say to me most? The husband grabbed his wife's hand and said: The earth is still good and attractive!

Bus no.8 and bus no.8 rear-end each other. When the traffic police handled the scene, they felt that one said I bit you and the other said I would rather die than surrender. Can these two cars not have an accident on the road?

Wife: Let's have three children in the future. Husband: Two is enough. Wife: Three! Husband: No, I'll get a vasectomy after giving birth to the second one! Wife: Well, I hope you love your third child too.

10 mom: daughter, stop arguing! My daughter is disobedient and noisy. Mom: I'll lock you in the toilet if you make trouble again, and then you won't ask me. Daughter: Then you don't have to tell me to go to the bathroom!

Pippi: What are angels like? Mother: She has a pair of wings and can fly. Pippi: It's strange that the housekeeper can't fly. How did my father tell her that you are my angel? Mother: I'll let her fly away today.

One day, a medium-rare steak was walking in the street. Suddenly he saw a medium-rare steak in front of him, but he ignored him. Why don't they say hello? Answer: Because I am unfamiliar.

Dragonfly 13 said: "The plane was designed according to my body drawing." The bat said, "What are you? Without my ultrasonic radar system, the plane will become a flying chicken. "

14 Just now, a big dog tied to my house barked at the puppy playing in the yard. My mother hit the big dog twice, and then the big dog bit the puppy twice when the puppy approached. It still cries in pain.

15 if the house price is high, we won't buy it; If the price is high, we are low-carbon; If the stock market bears, we will rise; If the money is not enough, we will save it; If we are tired from work, we will have a rest; If our friends want to contact us, we will put a good newsletter; We will be happy every day.

16 once upon a time, there was a pair of leather shoes, and the two shoes loved each other. But one day, they separated. Until they meet again, one turns into yogurt, the other into capsules, and they can't be together anymore.

17 mobile phone and telephone got married and gave birth to a child named PHS. The ugly signal is poor. In order to find out what is going on, both the mobile phone and the phone went to do DNA identification for PHS, and the result was a big surprise! It turns out that his father is a walkie-talkie

18 I haven't seen you all day. My eyes are straight and I have no breath. I answered the phone three times, my limbs were cold and sweaty, and my insides were sighing and blaming myself. Over time, I had an idea. I will wait for you before ten o'clock.

19 before military training, you were Pan An, after military training, you were Bao Zheng, the sun gave you plastic surgery, and the instructor gave you plastic surgery. I wish you a handsome face after military training! Move fast!

When Xiao Wang came back from a business trip in Shanghai, he just got off the train and found that the zipper of his bag was not zipped. When I opened it, the information was still there, but the words written by the thief were added in the blank of the information: such a beautiful bag, there is no money in it.

2 1 when a man is tired, he will knock on his back; Men are sad, so they should wash their hair; Men are bitter, so they will gamble; Men are very busy, so they often go to the wrong bed. Hard men, Happy Men's Day on August 13th!

Very hot, my friend. I wish you a refreshing sanitary towel every day. You can easily count your salary when you go to work, pay a drop of water at ordinary times, and have the Pacific Ocean when you are in trouble! Pacific insurance, a hard work, a harvest!

Child: Mom, are we supported by God? Mom: Of course, dear. Child: Is the gift from God? Mom: Of course. Child: Then I don't understand. What do we need dad for?

Send you seven flowers: fortune is like popcorn, love is like a rose, career is like morning glory, life is like a flaming flower, if you have love, you won't spend it indiscriminately. Remember to share it with me if you have unexpected gains!

The boy said to the girl, honey, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light, we would still have to watch TV by candlelight.

My sister-in-law introduced me to an object. When we met today, my niece insisted on going with me. Sister-in-law says you can't go. She confidently said, I'm going to see if she likes children, or my uncle won't listen to me in the future.

To death, this World Cup has greatly promoted the rapid development of two extreme sports in China, one is staying up late and the other is jumping off a building.

Lao Li lives in the countryside of Taiwan Province Province and listens to the cock crow every morning. Now he is at his son's house in America. No matter how the cock crows, old Li Can won't wake up. Why? Because American roosters pronounce in English.

A children's shoe bought a fake mobile phone and showed off its long standby time of 100 days. As a result, it was dead in one day. Take a closer look, it says on the mobile phone box: "Long standby day"!

A couple took their dog on a trip and took many photos on the road. When they got home, they asked a good friend to nominate these photos. After a little thought, my friend picked up a pen and wrote on the back of the photo: dog, male and female.