Guigang fortune-telling jokes _ Guigang fortune-telling folk experts

Women's humorous jokes

With the increasing pressure of modern life, many people will use some ways to release the pressure, and jokes are one of them. The following are my carefully arranged female humor jokes. Welcome to read!

1) ? Lao Zhang's lawyer said to him, "There is good news and bad news." Lao Zhang said, "Tell me the good news first." The lawyer said, "The good news is that your wife found a photo worth 200 thousand." Lao Zhang asked, "What's the bad news?" The lawyer said, "That's a photo with your secretary."

2) ? One day, Wang Nima went to the bathhouse to take a bath. It's cool to find an uncle to dance with. So Wang Nima went to him for advice. Wang Nima: Uncle, how can you dance so well? The dancing uncle walked up to me without saying a word and turned my water temperature switch to the highest. Hit ... your sister!

3) ? I found the beautiful woman on the opposite table staring at me all the time. I am so excited. Is it because of my new skirt? Or is it because of my new hairstyle yesterday? My heart is beating, let alone how happy I am! At this time, she stood up, walked slowly towards me and said to me affectionately, Brother, can you put on your shoes in the restaurant? This is a restaurant, not a foot washing shop. If you take off your shoes, how can we eat?

4) ? Lao Zhang suffered from insomnia and went to the hospital. The doctor said, "When you can't sleep at night, just lie in bed and take a deep breath, and imagine yourself at the seaside, with waves of seawater lapping at the coast." A few days later, when Lao Zhang visited the doctor, he said, "No, I still can't sleep!" " The doctor asked, "You didn't do it my way, did you?" Lao Zhang said, "I did exactly as you said." The doctor said, "Then why can't you sleep?" Lao Zhang said: "There are always some beautiful women in bikinis walking around the shore!"

5) ? I asked my niece: What's the score today? The niece said: 93 points. I took the test paper and looked at it. I said, You got 3 points, and you dare to say that you got 93 points. That's a lie! As a result, she cried and said, I said, just 3 points!

6) ? Lz28 (real age) was chatting with an uncle at a roadside stall. Grandpa: The young man is 40 this year? Cut your ignorance _ Me: Where? I am 48 years old. (Fuck him) Grandpa: I don't know! Quite young! This makes me speechless.

7) ? Three people are discussing the solution to hangover. A said, "My wife always prepares fruit, cold boiled water and strong tea for me, and I am much more awake the next morning!" " "B said," your treatment is not as good as mine! My wife massages me every time and wakes up in the middle of the night! " C shook his head disdainfully and said, "Fuck, I usually wake up when I get drunk and go home! "Party A and Party B asked curiously," What anti-hangover medicine did your wife prepare for you? " "Mops, soles, rolling pins!" C said simply.

8) ? Constipation is very severe and painful recently. I just went to the toilet and squatted down, and a buddy in the pit next to me was also groaning dully. I asked him, "Constipation?" Buddy: "Hmm." After a few minutes, suddenly there was a "shh" from my buddy's pit. I said with some envy, "Congratulations!" The buddy replied: "Grass, I dropped my mobile phone."

9) ? Every day, the girl will come to his shop for dinner, sit by the window and order two sets of meals. Every time he asks about a few dinners, she is always embarrassed to say two, and then she eats silently. He thought maybe someone was with the girl, but that person was gone. Finally, one day, he wanted to ask about the girl's story, but he heard the girl say to herself, "The amount of two servings is so small that it is not enough at all!"

10) ? My mother dragged me out shopping this morning. She said she didn't want to disturb my father's sleep. Just leave him a note. I watched her take hundreds of dollars out of my dad's wallet, and then left a note for my dad, "I took my child out shopping and took some money from your wallet." Okay？ All right. "Then my mother took me to spend money.

1 1) ? The activity host of the supermarket downstairs said: I once asked the abbot of a temple. I asked him, what would you do if a woman was lying naked in your room? I saw the abbot put his hands together and said, Amitabha, how can this be such a good thing? Is there a man in this world who can resist this temptation? Really?

12) ? I have been single for more than 20 years. Today, I went to the fortune teller and made a divination. The fortune teller said that I would have good luck in the near future, gave me a business card and told me the details by phone. In the evening, I called the phone above, and a woman answered it. I talked with her for a while, and she promised to wait for me at the hotel. That night, the night flight cost me 800 yuan, but I still think the fortune teller is really accurate.

13) ? Grandma, mom, chat with me in the living room. "Mom, look, my classmates are all married!" "Be content, my classmates have gone abroad, and I don't envy them." Mom said. Grandma said unhurriedly, "Are you both satisfied? My classmates are attending the funeral! " "

14) ? Once the teacher said the word "greed" in class. Suddenly the bell rang, and the teacher said that I would talk for a while so that you could absorb more knowledge. I said, "Teacher, we are not greedy, so much knowledge is enough." Teacher, don't be greedy and don't take our time any more. "Then the teacher beat me and left.

15) ? The nurse said to the dean, "The patient in bed 12 has a heart attack again." The hospital director said, "When did this happen? Isn't he cured? " The nurse said, "It's time to see the medical bill for discharge."

16) ? The doctor sadly announced to the patient, "Your condition is hopeless! Please arrange a funeral! " The patient was lying in the hospital bed, waving his hand feebly and saying, "Yes, yes." Family members came forward and asked, "What?" The patient said, "Change the doctor!"

17) ? Two people are discussing the hospital bill, which was opened by Lao Wang, the dean of the hospital, to Xiao Zhang, a new father. Xiao Zhang said: "The delivery room is too expensive. You should know that I didn't send my wife in time. The child was born on the lawn of the hospital. " Wang Chuang picked up the bill, crossed out the delivery room fee and filled in the lawn use fee.

18) ? A child accidentally swallowed a coin, and everyone was worried. At this time, a middle-aged man strode forward, grabbed the child and picked him up. The big head shook a few times and the child spit out coins. The child's parents thanked him and asked, "Are you a doctor?" He said, "No, I work in the tax bureau."

19) ? The salted fish asked the Zen master: It is said that salted fish sometimes turn over, so when can I turn over? Zen master: Don't worry, you'll turn over soon. The Zen master said to the monks, We have had enough here. Let's eat the other side! As he spoke, he turned the salted fish over.

20) ? I played with my daughter-in-law all day today. I want to go to a restaurant for dinner tonight and ask my daughter-in-law what to eat. Daughter-in-law said: Just go to KFC, a bucket for the whole family. I said, can you pursue something? The daughter-in-law thought for a long time and said, then come to two barrels!

2 1) ? My roommate, surnamed Zhang, is seeing someone. They are inseparable every day. One day, they quarreled and her roommate was still crying, so she gritted her teeth and stamped her feet and said to herself, when we get married and have children, we will take your surname. His date just smiles through tears. But the problem is that his partner is also surnamed Zhang. How clever he is!

22) ? Old people will say thank you, young people! When I gave up my seat, those people said thank you, fatty! Give me my seat back!

23) ? Today, I finally saw how much women can talk. Driving the elevator at work today, I saw two beautiful women staring at me. I asked, what's wrong with me? A beautiful woman said: no, we have been talking for more than half an hour. I wonder why the elevator hasn't arrived for so long. You came in and found that we forgot to press it!

24) ? I live and sleep with a same-sex friend. Since my stupid friend checked the precautions during menstruation online (online said that the most important thing is not to oppress the nerves), I don't know what posture to sleep in, so I always keep the backrest posture, because I am afraid of the cold, so I lean very tightly. Suddenly, she drank: don't squeeze my sanitary napkin out of shape, or you will wash the sheets tomorrow …

25) ? Lili: "Is your license plate number 16888?" Xiaohong: "Yes." Lili: "I almost saw your husband and a charming woman today!" " "Xiao Hong:" What? "Lili:" Today I saw a car with the license plate number 16887. There is a man and a beautiful woman in the car! " "

26) ? "What can I do? My mother doesn't like every girlfriend of mine. " Xiaogang said to his friend. The friend said, "That's easy. Just find a girlfriend like you!" "Xiao gang said," that my dad doesn't agree! "

27) ? A long-winded man asked, "Why is your pig so embarrassed?" The neighbor said, "Because he refused to eat." The wordy man asked, "Why?" The neighbor said, "I refuse to eat because my mouth is too long." The long-winded man asked, "Why is your mouth too long to eat?" The neighbor said, "How can you afford to eat with such a long mouth and asking questions?"

28) ? Once I watched a sad movie in the cinema, and the little master burst into tears. When everyone on the side took out paper towels, there was a very untimely sound ... that is, snoring, one higher than the other. The little master experienced the so-called smile through tears. Later, it was estimated that his girlfriend called him, and the snoring disappeared. Soon after, when the next sad scene came up, the purr sounded at the right time ~ drunk, really intoxicating, and the young master didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

29) ? A group of men followed a girl nearby, and I, unknown so, followed her secretly. The person next to me told me that this girl is good and has beautiful legs. No wonder you followed her secretly! I didn't know it was a hit, damn it. Turned out to be a bodyguard hiding in the dark.

30) ? I stopped at a red light and accidentally farted. It stinks. Just press the window. Unexpectedly, I saw a beautiful woman in an adjacent lane. I nodded shyly, but the beauty rolled down the window and smiled at me. So I pushed myself and asked, "Did you fart, too?"

3 1) ? It rained today. It's a little fast to drive out to play. There was a pool of water on the side of the road, and I accidentally spilled it all over my buddy. I stopped to go back and apologize to this guy. I spilled it all over him on my way back. Now I'm embarrassed and ready to go. And I spilled it all over him again! The rearview mirror saw the guy with a brick in his hand and glared at the front.

32) ? I had a barbecue with a group of people the other day. It was delicious! I handed a chicken wing next to me and said something that I will never forget. "Eat another one and see what you chew. The dog will cry."

33) ? The company has a sister paper, and the fingerprints can't be typed every day (many people have this experience). She punched me in front of me today. I told her to give you a chance. If you miss, you can give it to me. As a result, you really missed. Sister paper rubbed my thumb on my face, and then shouted, borrow your handsome face. You guessed it. My nickname now is punch artifact!

34) ? Xiaowen's grandfather told Xiaowen a story: "Thirty years ago, it would be very poor. I was waiting for the bus at the station with your father in my arms, and others laughed at your father for being ugly, so I cried. A kind fruit seller handed me a banana and said, "Don't cry, nephew. Look, the monkeys are hungry. They have lost all their hair. "Give it this banana quickly."

35) ? Today, my friend had a fight with Wang across the hall. The two children look surprisingly similar. As a result, the children of Lao Wang next door are friends. ...

36) ? Today, my friend moved to a new home, a newly developed community, with this as the background. I went to a friend's house for a day, but it was the first time. I don't know. Then when I took the elevator, a sister followed me up. It's beautiful. She pressed the elevator first, only to see that she took a pencil out of her pocket and pressed it. I thought to myself, there are cleanliness addicts, I really don't understand those cleanliness addicts, and then when I press it, the damn elevator leaks electricity.

37) ? Suddenly, a man came in with a little girl while taking a bath in the public bathhouse. All the guests in the bathhouse felt at a loss. What's more, the little girl saw that thing and actually asked: Dad, which thing is what? Why didn't I? You have to buy me one.

38) ? A friend of mine finally bought a car and took me for a ride. When I arrived at a village, chickens flew and dogs jumped, and bodies were everywhere. My friend doesn't know how much it is worth. When he got home, he invited his brothers and sisters to eat roast chicken, roast duck and roast dog.

39) ? Seeing many married and loving people in the circle of friends is very emotional. I told my mother next door that I wanted to get married, too. Who knows, my mother was shocked and yelled at my dad who was watching TV: old man, your stupid son finally found the trick. ...

40) ? A colleague just bought a new car with a temporary license plate! Other colleagues told him that temporary cards can run red lights, it doesn't matter! When I went to work the next day, I was happy to tell us that it was fucking cool to run a red light! On the third day, I was very angry and said that I was deducted 6 points! Asked how the temporary card was deducted, he said he didn't know, but the traffic police stopped and deducted it. Brother, who let you see the traffic police breaking in?

4 1) ? In the evening, an uncle pulled Ma Touqin by the bridge. He stopped to listen for a while, and a big brother in front of me also stopped to listen. After a while, the music stopped, and the eldest brother quickly shouted, the three strings are really unique. I clearly saw the old man put away his musical instrument and coughed twice: this is erhu. Don't scream if you don't know It's not humiliating enough. My brother left with a red face and a thick neck. Just now I thought it was some kind of musical instrument.

42) ? Leader, the bonus you gave me is a bit large. Is it? Let me see. I like honest employees like you. decimal point ...

43) ? Today, I watched Fools Move Mountains again. The spirit of the silly man deeply touched me and inspired me: I'd better find a girlfriend first, or someone will give me a son without a son.

44) ? A female friend is lovelorn and says: Goddess doesn't cry. Line up for comments below. The goddess doesn't cry, but stands up and sighs. My cheap comment, the goddess didn't cry, stood up and sighed to me, and the result was hacked.

45) ? I sat next to Assange in India by plane and chatted for a while. Sam said, it's too inconvenient for you people in China to eat with chopsticks. I said this is a kind of kung fu, a kind of culture. A San said that he didn't understand, and said that it was better to use his hands, not limited by methods and ingredients, and it was delicious! As soon as I heard it, I got angry. I refused to accept special treatment, got off the plane and went straight to the hot pot restaurant with Sam. ......

46) ? Driving to work this morning, a small BMW chased me. When I got off the bus, I saw that it was driven by a M M. When I saw this M M, I cried and said, I was wrong, I was wrong, please forgive me! When I looked at this M M, I was crying like a pear with rain, and I couldn't bear it. I said to her, it's not that I don't forgive you, it's really your sister-in-law, and I dare not forgive you.

47) ? I almost fell asleep in the car today. Already: I fell asleep when I fell asleep How amazing. A: I'm a fucking driver!

48) ? A colleague happily went home for a blind date, and then came back without saying anything! Curious, a group of us went to his house, and then we saw a fucking woman ... my colleagues and I were shocked!

49) ? After the winter vacation exam, the report card was sent out, and I only got 18 in math. First, it was changed to 78 on the report card. Later, I thought it was fake anyway, so I simply changed it to 98. When I took it home, my mother said that I changed my grades indiscriminately. I am very distressed. I don't want my mother to say again, "I obviously saw 78 points, why should I change it to 98 points?" But 78 is better than your previous exam. I still want to reward you.

50) ? At a table in a bar, two men look about the same age. One of them was drunk and said loudly, "I slept with your mother." Immediately, the whole house was quiet. Then the drunk said, "I slept with your mother." Everyone wants to see how another man responds. Don't want to, the man said simply, "Dad, you are drunk. Let's go home! "

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