Fortune telling jokes _ Fortune telling jokes

What's the best woman you've ever seen?

Others say that it's a shame to wash your dirty linen in public. I just want to say that the best woman I have ever seen is my former brother-in-law.

My brother met through relatives. My relative is a 60-year-old man, and there are many gossips about him. As soon as I heard that my brother-in-law was introduced by him, I didn't like this marriage. Sure enough!

My brother is in bad condition. He has no house, no car and little money. He is 30 years old, and our family is in a hurry. As long as the woman is decent and can have children.

After spending some time with her, my brother found that this woman had a brain problem. Once, it was clear that her IQ was similar to that of a three-year-old child, and she could quarrel and fight with my five-year-old son. She does nothing at home when she is not at work, and she is very strict with my brother.

My mother always cooks and cleans at home. She looked at my mother unhappily, and said whatever came to her mind, saying that my mother's cooking was not delicious! Once my mother used a mask, so she didn't tell her because she was not at home.

When she came back and found that a mask was missing, she pointed at my mother indiscriminately and swore: You are over 60 years old, old and ugly, so wash it as soon as possible. I was so angry that my mother fainted and went to the hospital.

I didn't want her at first, but this time she is pregnant again. The whole family can't let her go and treat her like a three-year-old child.

To have a child, you need a birth permit and a marriage certificate. When you get a marriage certificate, you will know that she is married. My brother became a third party for no reason and was washed away by the jokes of relatives and friends.

Later, when asked, it turned out that her first husband and family kicked her out because she was too ignorant. They are not inseparable, but she is inseparable. When I married her, she spent 6.5438+0.5 million bride price and kept it with her mother, and a 6-year-old son!

It went well later. I got a divorce certificate with my predecessor and a marriage certificate with my brother. My brother also asked for a bride price of 50 thousand, and the child's birth certificate was successfully obtained.

I am more lawless and unscrupulous when I am pregnant. I have a big belly and play everywhere every day. I don't have a baby at home. I have to go to my parents' house for confinement. When I came back from confinement, I asked my brother to move out.

After moving out, her brother had to go to work. When she was unhappy, she left her children in the rented room, ran out to play with friends, and didn't go home, which made the family exhausted.

It's always like this. It has been half a year, and my brother's job is gone. As a result, she left and she didn't have a baby.

Later, I heard that she found another fortune teller as her boyfriend. She ran to the shop next door to me and hit the blacksmith. Everyone scolded me, even my mother, saying that I had children everywhere and I could live as I wanted in the future. It's good to tell people anything.

My brother and I heard that it's only been a year since our stomachs got bigger.

A: Take off your pants and pee in front of strange men.

People have three kinds of emergencies, and defecation is one of them! As the saying goes, the living can still be suffocated by urine? In fact, many people died of suffocation. However, in any case, you can't take off your pants and pee in front of strange men, can you? What a scandal!

Driving back from Beijing the other day, I met a woman who stopped her car at the intersection of the expressway and dressed very decently. She asked me if I could give her a ride. She wanted to chip in some gas money.

Because it was the same way, I agreed. I don't feel sleepy when driving, because I have a companion to talk to on the road. As for gas money, I didn't think about it at all.

It took three hours to drive on the expressway, just over ten minutes after the service area, and it is still far from the next service area. This woman suddenly said that she was in a hurry to pee and asked me if I could stop and let her go to the bathroom. Because she took the fast lane, there were many cars on the road, and it was a bit troublesome to change lanes. I told her to be patient, and she arrived at the service area in more than an hour.

The woman agreed at first, but turned around and took off her pants and peed in the car. The narrow space was filled with the smell of urine, which made me crack the window glass.

Because that woman was sitting in the back row, I didn't pay attention when I took off my pants, but I smelled urine, so I looked in the mirror. She was wearing pants. ...

In this case, I can only ignore it. When I arrive at the service area, I will wash the car immediately. ...

I finally put this woman at the next highway intersection, and I felt so stupid: I wanted to charge her a little money anyway, but I gave her a ride for nothing. My car stinks.

Helping others is a virtue, but those who are helped should not feel too comfortable! I met her by chance. How can she pee in my car?

What a scandal!

I met the most wonderful woman, a colleague of mine who used to work, and her colleagues and leaders in the unit were abused by her.

Let's talk about things between her and the leader first. Every time the leader has a meeting, she often interrupts the leader's speech and talks indiscriminately. At first, the leader thought she was a little girl, so she was not like her. Later, when she couldn't bear it and criticized her, she made a scene with the leader and made the leader lose face.

Such subordinates, leaders certainly don't want to use. The leader informed her to go to the finance department to settle her salary. As soon as she heard this, she was going to fire her At that time, the small universe broke out, pointing to the leader's nose and swearing, saying that the leader bullied others. Speaking of excitement, she suddenly pulled out and didn't know what was wrong with her.

An experienced elder sister quickly pinched someone, and it will be all right in a moment. When she woke up, she made a 180 degree turn, knelt down and begged the leader not to be fired, saying that she was divorced and took care of her children alone, and the children could not support themselves without a job.

The leader is also afraid that she will take responsibility for her illness again. Seeing that she was also very pitiful, I left her on the condition that I had to be transferred to the logistics department, so that the leaders would have less opportunities to see her.

Let's talk about what happened between her and our colleagues. After she was transferred to the logistics department, she always ran to our sales department to talk to us about how she was cheated by an old man. She ran away after the old man got her pregnant. How hard it is for her to have a son.

She also told us that her parents were not nice to her, that her mother often beat her and scolded her, and she didn't know whether what she said was true or not. We didn't want to hear her talk about her, so she asked us if we looked down on her. We are really afraid that she will go crazy and get sick, so we can only listen to her talk about her sufferings in silence.

To tell you the truth, I suspect that her spirit is a little abnormal, otherwise it would not be so wonderful. How can a normal woman be disgusted and indifferent to everyone?

After graduation, there is no job at home. A female classmate introduced me to a great female contractor. But it's not a blind date, it's a job, a temporary job, 80 yuan a day. There are a batch of wooden boards in the sugar factory near my father's unit. I don't know what to do to get rid of the nails on it.

The female contractor is a local and contracted this project. Before her hometown quit, she found me through her classmates.

This job is easy. Use a hammer to pick out all the nails on the board of about 2mX2m, and then pile the boards into a pile.

I didn't know her on the first day. When I met her, I just smiled and sometimes helped each other, but I didn't talk much. The next day, I began to greet each other and talked about my family. Most of the topics stay on my classmates.

On the third day, the female worker changed her old style for the first time, from ordinary chatting to spitting, and the object was her man.

Women workers are very diligent, especially careless in their work, quick in picking nails and neatly stacking boards. The boss after work is very satisfied, but she just spits at her husband like a loaded machine gun, and she can't stop talking.

She said her husband was lazy at home. He used to be a technician in a phosphate fertilizer plant. He also valued this when he got married. Although he is ten years older than himself, this iron rice bowl still attracts her.

Who knows that the phosphate fertilizer factory closed down and her husband changed from a worker to a temporary worker, so she did something and stayed at home for a day doing nothing.

Women workers do odd jobs everywhere to supplement their families. Two children, my sister is in high school and my brother is in junior high school. Money needs to be spent everywhere in the family, and my husband's income of several hundred yuan a month has already starved to death.

Finally, the most disturbing thing for her is that when she first got married more than ten years ago, her husband was ten years older than her.

Now, her husband is thin and fat for nothing, but she is tanned. Sometimes after picking her nails, she has to bend down and take two steps like a hunchback old lady to straighten up, and then she will blame her husband.

Actually, these are her dirty clothes. As an outsider, it's not easy to comment, but she insists that I judge her.

When it comes to whether such a husband should leave or not, it must be to persuade others not to leave, but she is really pitiful like that, and it is quite difficult to comment on her one-sided statement.

Later, when I went to her house to settle my salary, I bought a catty of meat and went to rub it with her. At that time, I couldn't see the scene more clearly than I did.

As soon as I entered the door, I saw her husband and wife's special love, especially her husband yelling behind his ex-husband, which gave me goose bumps all over the floor.

Her husband is not as lazy as she said. He cooks everything and his wife does everything, but he is really tender, but he doesn't look as young as the women workers say.

Alas ~! So go ahead! Don't interfere in other people's housework. Some people can't hold back any resentment. Complaining to friends and acquaintances may relieve their depression, otherwise it is easy to get sick.

Life can make a person wonderful, but it is good that the heart is not distorted at the beginning of love! I wish you all a happy life!

My friend's ex-girlfriend should be the most speechless woman I have ever met.

If you don't talk to her, on the surface, she seems to be a little girl who loves to laugh. But after chatting in a WeChat group, I found that she is an old driver.

I didn't know her very well at first, and there was nothing unusual. Later, my friend lived with her for half a month, and during that time, my friend was still chasing her. Every night, they invite us to play together, basically having tea and chatting in a friend's shop.

Once a friend went out, and another friend and I were left there and had a small glass of wine. Her topic opened, and the yellow terminal came casually, which shocked my friends and me. A girl and her boyfriend's friend said this on a large scale.

On another occasion, she also posted a picture in the group, the content was between her friend and her. Tell me how I feel. Now we are all laughing at our friends.

Besides, she is a lazy person. Ask her to eat, she won't eat or eat a little, and then after an hour or so, she asks her friends to go out for a barbecue and grilled fish.

Once I was at a friend's house, and another customer happened to come over. My friend is an anti-theft net. When he was eating, he kept saying whether he ate too fast and was starving.

Later, they broke up, and friends said that such a woman was not suitable for being a wife, and several of us agreed.

A very young and beautiful girl married a 60-year-old man in a village. Why did she choose such a person to get married? Her answer turned out to be because of love, which is really wonderful.

There is a big news in the village that an old man in his 60s wants to marry a girl 18 years old 1.

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news.

I ran over to see for myself, and it was really like this. This 18-year-old girl is quite beautiful, with a height of 1.6 meters and a well-proportioned figure. With his conditions, it is really easy to find a good partner.

Sometimes I chat with him and ask him why he wants to marry an old man.

She told me herself because of love. I said, don't lie, okay? There is a lot of gossip in the village now. Some people say that you are greedy for old people's money, and some people say that you are crazy.

A discerning person knows at a glance that maybe you really married him for money!

The girl cried when she heard this:

I don't understand what she is crying about. I don't ask any more questions. But now it's 2 1 century, and it's really amazing that this happened.

This is the real thing that happened in my village. It's really amazing that a young girl chooses to marry an old man in his sixties.

Feeling:

Maybe there are some things we don't know, but anyway. You can't ruin your life and happiness in the hands of this old man.

Finally, my advice to her is to think about her future life and never make stupid mistakes.

I have a female colleague, which is very strange. Once, she actually asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend to go home with her for the New Year and share a room with me at night.

My colleague is very beautiful and has a particularly good figure. Height 170 or so, weight 120 kg or so. In particular, her personal ability is particularly strong, which makes many men feel ashamed.

Most men have the idea that if a girl is much better than herself in appearance, ability and family background. She didn't dare to pursue her for fear that she wouldn't shout out.

For her, all the men in our unit are the same, and they don't have the courage to chase her, so she is 28 years old and still single.

I'm just an ordinary small supervisor in our unit. Although my appearance does not affect the city appearance, I am no better than others. My home is more general, with only a small mortgage house.

In my eyes, she is the kind of fairy that can't be reached, and I don't have the courage to chase her at all. However, this does not affect my friendship with her. Because friends and lovers are different, people generally don't care too much about their friends' own conditions, but they often have high demands on the other half.

Until one time, she mysteriously found me and said that her parents urged her to get married again and asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend and go home with her for the New Year. She also said that if she went home alone, her parents would kill her, so I had to promise her that she could give me a certain reward.

Saving a life is better than building a seven-level pagoda. I thought about it and agreed. After telling the truth to my parents, I went back to her hometown with her during the New Year.

When I arrived at her house, her parents stared at me for a long time and inexplicably said, "That silly girl really didn't lie to them", which puzzled me for a long time. But I didn't think much, because I was busy drinking with her father.

In the evening, when I was looking for a hotel, she made a wonderful request that I share a room with her. She also said that if you want to pretend, you have to act like it so that her parents can't see it.

In the end, my arm couldn't beat my thigh, and I agreed. That night, one of us was on the sofa and the other was on the bed, and we lived in peace.

The next day is New Year's Day. She actually did another wonderful thing, that is, as my girlfriend, she called my parents to pay a New Year call in front of her parents.

Seeing my speechless expression, she said confidently that she must do it, or her parents would be suspicious. After listening to her explanation, I was speechless.

A few days later, she said wonderfully that if she was helpful and polite, she would come to my home to pay a New Year call to my parents, who asked her to go, so she had to pretend.

Later, she met my parents as my girlfriend. Of course, after seeing her, my parents were also amazed. My dad, in particular, gave me a lecture secretly, saying that I talked about dating and kept it from her.

Later, she and I pretended to be real and became real little lovers. I still feel a little confused when I think about it occasionally. I can't figure out who she and I are chasing.

However, if you don't understand, there is no need to think about it. I only know that I love her very much and she loves me very much.

There is a woman named Xiaojie in our village who has been divorced twice. It is said that the man who wants her to get married must divorce, and the man must have children. This is her request, and it is really a wonderful work.

Xiaojie is 35 years old. So far, she has established two families, both of which ended in failure. The man who divorced her said that her mind was abnormal and her thoughts were different from those of normal people. But I heard from my mother that Xiaojie is actually very smart, but most people don't know her.

Xiaojie's first husband divorced her because they once went to a hotel to check in. Her husband burned three small holes in the hotel carpet because of smoking, and it was clearly written that there was a small hole for 200 yuan. The hotel manager asked them to accompany 600 yuan. Xiaojie quit, and directly thought of a way to burn three holes into a big hole with a lighter, which led her husband to directly start work with the hotel manager, and finally directly lost more than 3,000 yuan together with hospitalization expenses.

The reason why Xiaojie's second husband divorced her was that there was a very big supermarket in the town, and every time a new product was introduced, it was said that it was free to try, but Xiaojie stayed there directly after seeing it until all the tried things were eliminated. Her husband advised her not to listen, but every time he confidently said, why can't she eat free goods's advice? Finally, because her supermarket canceled the tasting program, her husband also loved it.

Xiaojie's reason for getting divorced, getting married and bringing up children is actually influenced by her sister. Her sister died in childbirth, so she was afraid of having children, and she liked children better, so she found a divorced one with children. In addition, the most important point is that she thinks that men will be more cautious and cherish the second marriage after the first divorce.

After two failed marriages, Xiaojie no longer seems to believe in marriage. Now she has put all her energy into her work. It is said that she opened a breeding factory in our village, with an annual income of more than 100 thousand. Although she is alone, she still has a good life.

Don't mention it. I'm a little confused when I mention it. There are more than one or two excellent women. They have seen many beautiful faces and don't let people see them. They make them look like monsters. Other people's lips are painted with red beads. They painted their lips with black and their faces with white powder. They have no blood, and their faces are like dead people. They dye their eyebrows blue, others bend their eyebrows, and they bend their heads into a whole. Get a head full of yellow color