Small video Sichuan fortune-telling joke

Jokes actually come from life, and there will always be such jokes in life. I have arranged some classic humorous jokes, I hope you will like them.

Selected classic humorous jokes

1. I heard that there are many thieves in the commercial street. I decided to turn around for a few days, but I didn't steal anything from me. Finally one day, I found a thief. I followed him for a long time and got up the courage to ask him, buddy, why didn't you steal from me?

His mother's words made me angry. He said, boss, I always thought we were colleagues. You look so fucking dirty.

I found a fortune teller to calculate a divination for me. He looked at it and said, "Little brother, you must have been born in the early hours of the morning."

I was surprised: "How can you calculate so accurately?"

He stroked his beard and said, "Because it's ugly from one to three in the morning."

3. Friends come to my house to play. Near the door, he called me and asked me which building I was in. I stuck my head out of the window and waved to him. I said to the phone, have you seen me? He said he did. Ugliness is easy to recognize! ***。 . .

4. Going on a blind date, girls throw up as soon as they see me, and the scene is very embarrassing.

I jokingly asked, "am I ugly?" Ha ha! "

She quickly explained, "No, not because you are ugly, but because I am pregnant!" " "

I was relieved to hear that, as long as I didn't think I was ugly, and then we had a good chat.

The neighbor is an ugly girl, and she is taking a bath at home today! Suddenly the ugly woman shouted, "Husband, it seems that someone is watching me take a bath!" " "

Husband: "Really? Then open the window quickly! "

The ugly girl was furious: "am I crazy?"

The husband explained, "You let him see clearly, and he won't dare to come again next time. . . "

6. "Shengniu, I took the train today, and I didn't even get it when I was in security!"

"Because it is forbidden to carry inflammable and explosive articles."

"But I didn't bring inflammable and explosive articles!"

"But you are too ugly."

7. A woman asks her man: Do you like boys or girls?

Her man whispered: nothing. You two bully me when you have girls, and bully us when you have boys.

8. I just sent a message to a woman nearby saying that I am 25.

She asked me who I was.

I said Lei Feng!

She'll be here soon!

I asked what soon?

* * * She said that Lei Feng died at the age of 28. . .

9. My girlfriend cried, "Life is so fickle. You know, people like you are like a vast grassland. "

I wiped the tears from the corner of my eyes and looked at her seriously. She went on to say, "I can't see the whip at a glance ..."

10, having dinner with friends. During the dinner, my friend joked that my girlfriend was ugly.

I couldn't bear it, swearing: can you not mention such disgusting things when eating?

1 1. My girlfriend fell down. It's embarrassing. Very interesting. I quickly took out my mobile phone to take pictures.

The girlfriend's face sank: "When you are laughing, have you ever thought about others?"

I paused, and quickly sent the photos I just took to Weibo.

12, I heard a couple talking in the street today. . . .

Woman: Do you want to be with me every day?

M: Yes.

W: I also want to be with me every day. I'm afraid Sean won't agree.

13. Good friends get married for the second time. At the wedding, the host asked the groom: Are you willing to take care of her, respect her and accompany her for life, whether she is poor or rich, sick or healthy?

Groom: I do!

I suddenly heard a woman's voice from a corner not far away: you said that last time …

14, I asked my girlfriend narcissistically, "Admit it, am I the most handsome boyfriend in history?"

The girlfriend looked disdainful: "What are you doing standing on shit?"

15. My girlfriend said that she wanted me to tattoo Eddie Peng Yuyan Yuyan's head on her body. I asked her where she was, and she said it was best to get it tattooed on her face.

16, the boy invited his girlfriend to dinner, and the girl ordered shredded squid, only to find that the boy didn't eat it.

The girl asked the boy, "Why don't you eat?"

The boy smiled: "I don't like it."

The girl pretended to be angry and said, "I won't eat if you don't eat."

The boy picked up chopsticks shyly.

The girl smiled and said, "That's right. Eat more and eat slowly. Save some for me, your sister! " "

17. Yesterday, my friend invited me to her house for dinner and called me to ask why I hadn't arrived yet. I said, "Go home and get something. I'll be right there!"

She: "You are really! Come on, come on, don't take anything! "

Me. . . . . . Go home and get the charger, and then silently go to the supermarket to buy some fruit.

18, a woman bought socks at a roadside stall and sanitary napkins fell out of her skirt. That's embarrassing.

The woman quickly picked it up and put it in the creaking nest for the stall owner to see.

The stall owner said angrily, you stole my socks, take them out quickly. The woman said she didn't take it and argued for a long time.

Vendor: I took it out happily, and the woman was angry. She picked up the sanitary napkin and threw it on the stall owner's head. NMD, here you are.

The stall owner rubbed his head: * * * *, you made my head bleed. . .

19, I went to my girlfriend's house for dinner last night, had a few more drinks with my future father-in-law, and then I never went back. Then I was arranged to sleep in her study, and I woke up in the middle of the night with a little crooked idea.

So I quietly went to my girlfriend's room, and then I jumped on her, opened the quilt and saw that it was her mother. It feels like the whole world has fallen!

20. A girl is very depressed, saying that she is often laughed at because she is fat and feels that life is meaningless.

I said, "Life is bound to stumble. Don't be depressed in the face of ridicule and frustration. Living a wonderful life is the best way to counter ridicule. Kneel down and give yourself a hug. "

She nodded, wiped her tears and tried, but she didn't squat, and she couldn't squat. ...