The master asked him to open the curtains and tell fortune-telling jokes.

Georgia got a small drum as a birthday present on her birthday. A few days later, as soon as my father came home from work, my mother said, "I don't think my neighbor upstairs likes listening to Georgia's drums, but he speaks very implicitly." "What did he say?" Dad asked. "This afternoon, he gave Georgia a knife and asked him if he knew anything in the drum that could make such a beautiful sound." A beautiful woman works the night shift, followed by a man of the same color. She was afraid and was passing by a cemetery. People of the same color are about to start. The beauty went to a grave and said, "Dad, open the door, I'm back." The frightened man escaped. The beauty smiled proudly for her cleverness, but the laughter did not fall. A gloomy voice came from the grave and said, "Daughter, why did you forget your key again?" Scared the beautiful woman to run away screaming. At this time, a grave robber climbed out of the grave and said, "It affected my work and scared you to death." Suddenly I found an old man carving a tombstone with a chisel in his hand and asked strangely, "What are you doing?" ? The old man said angrily, "These black sheep carved my tombstone wrong and asked them to change it themselves." . Hearing this, the grave robbers ran away in fear. Looking at the back of the grave robber, the old man sneered: "Stealing Lao Zi's business scared me to death." Accidentally, the chisel fell to the ground, and the old man was about to bend down to pick it up, but he saw a hand sticking out of the grass and a cold voice came: "Oh, dare to change my house number." Scared the old man to roll and climb away. A scavenger climbed out of the grass, picked up the chisel on the ground and sighed, "These days, it takes such a great god to pick up a piece of rotten iron. When I was shopping, I suddenly felt a stomachache, so I went into the hot pot restaurant on the corner 199 and wanted to borrow a toilet, but I couldn't find it on the first floor, so I ran to the second floor and was still decorating, but I couldn't find anything. Please don't use *. I really can't help it. Whatever. Anyway, there was nobody around, so I took off my pants and squatted in the toilet. That's cool! ! When I finished, I went downstairs and found no one there. Strangely, it's dinner time. Just now, I said downstairs at the wedding, why did you go to the building all at once? Even the waiter and receptionist were gone ... so I approached the bar and asked, "Is anyone there?" "Why no one? At this moment, I saw a waiter coming out from under the bar and saying, *! ..... weren't you there when shit fell from the ceiling and hit the electric fan just now? You are very lucky. A homework problem in primary school. Look at the children's BT answers. Chinese in primary schools is too difficult now. Look at one of their homework questions: Requirements: Connect the following four sentences with related words: 1, Zhang Haidi's sister is paralyzed; 2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously; 3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages; 4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture. (Note: The correct answer should be: Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard, not only learning many foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture. As a result, one child wrote: Although Zhang Haidi's sister stubbornly studied acupuncture and many foreign languages, she was still paralyzed. Later, a more fierce child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed. Sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed, because she studies hard, not only learning a lot of foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture. Sister Zhang Haidi studied very tenaciously, not only learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, but also learned paralysis at last. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, and was paralyzed by tenacious study. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture through tenacious study, and as a result, she paralyzed herself according to a foreign language version of acupuncture book. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang. He is dead. On the day of the funeral. His family shouted, "Cool ... so cool. Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?" The family cried:' Great ... awesome! ! One day, father, mother and son decided to go for an outing. They took a Shandong pie and two cans of sea chicken and set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor, unloaded their equipment and prepared to eat. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener! Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." "turtle dad:" my son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! " Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! " So, the turtle son set foot on the road home. Time flies in ............... Time flies. Twenty years have passed, but the turtle son hasn't appeared yet. Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm so hungry, I said ... "Turtle dad:" No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! " It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start. He took out the pie and was about to eat it ... suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree ... turtle son: "damn it!" I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years and finally got it! I hate being cheated! Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name? Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are called Xin. Just like some people are short of water, so they are called Miao, while others are short of wood, so they are called Sen. Dad: What do you think Sister Guo Jingjing is short of in this life? 4. A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart. Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it? Men are willing to listen So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted. W: Does it sound like a cuckoo? Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it! 5. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded: * * If I don't come back, I will die! At this time, there was a snail's voice outside the door: you said that Lao Tzu would not go! 6. One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it. 7. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant's nest, and the ant climbed into the elephant's nest. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it". 8. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too. "Then the teacher asked," Who else is not dead? " Only one classmate stood up: "I'm not dead yet!" ""The teacher said strangely, "The whole class is dead. Why don't you die? " 9. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now. 10. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I stupid? Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch named ......................................." Continue to tell the story: "Below? It's gone ... "12. A person has just learned a foreign language. He accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot in the street that day. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry." "13. A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King Dear Wukong, I wrote this letter slowly, because I know you can't read it fast! It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days! Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter? Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day! Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl! Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket! It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, otherwise it will be difficult to pee here! P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck! 14. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, cucumber and watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit. 15. Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it. "When the man went again in January, the street where he lost money was dug up to build roads. He can't help but sigh, "Shanghai is the truth. "16. Classic joke: This ant was sunbathing one day when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly and got up. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him. 17. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! Father earthworm said weakly. ... suddenly want to play football 18. The tortoise and the hare raced ... the hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, "Come on up, I'll carry you ... Then the snail came up ... After a while, the tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him," You too. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast ... 19. One day, a family caught fire and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ I'm on fire, and I'm still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... 23. A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, and he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ so he had to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was very angry and took out 10. Buy it yourself! ! ! 24.& gt My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief, so he has been sniffing. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "25. The patient said to the dentist," You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn three dollars. The doctor replied, "I can pull it out in slow motion if you like." "26." Narcissism "means that I must be reborn as a woman in my next life and then marry a man like me; Despair "means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one:" Is there anything worse in the world? ! Eat the second shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money. 27. The Weaver Girl came down to the world to take a bath and got to know the Cowherd, and performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we have to go outside to take a bath ... 28. Xiaoming went back to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet. "The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming:" What did ants say? " Xiaoming looked blank ... and said, "Ants ... didn't say anything ..." 29. A person always farts at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but say, "Can you keep quiet? "Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! !" 30. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." Mother Mosquito said, "Ignore it, their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit. I spent 80,000 yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar, which arrived yesterday. Column identification, experts seriously said: "which Western Zhou Dynasty is this?" This is from last week! 32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said ... 33. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... At this time, the prisoner cried: "You strangle me, it's so scary! "34. The father told his son a story:" Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood. Unexpectedly, Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? "The son replied," It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him. 35. dung beetles and Mozzie fell in love for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, I got an injection." dung beetles grabbed Mosquito's hand and cried bitterly: "Fate, I am also a doctor, a Chinese medicine practitioner, with pills. 36. A man can't find a girlfriend, so he has no choice but to tell his fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life. 37. Someone was eating, and there was no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles. He pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake? 38. Three mice tasted the wines of the United States, Japan and China, respectively, and the mouse who drank the American wine fell down after three steps; The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat? "39. While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked," Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready? " "Just a moment, sir." "What? Still waiting? The customer was very angry and asked, "Is your fish fresh?" "40. One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word" stupid "was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right! 4 1. A man wants to jump off a building, and his wife who just came back shouted, "Honey, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" After hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this. 42. The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't fart." Soon, the section chief was fired. The director said at the meeting: "You can't afford to be a big fart. What do you want? " 43. A lazy cat went crazy after a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fatter. Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative, and ugliness is not my intention." God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! As a matter of fact, I am really very creative ... 45. My friends went climbing together. At the top of the mountain, a girl shouted at the beautiful mountains and rivers: Motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law is 46. I bought two puppies before, one named you "face" and the other named myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now! 47. After Tang Zeng drove Wukong away, he met the monster again. He had to spell to summon Wukong back for help. Soon, a new voice came from the air: "I'm sorry. The subscriber you dialed is out of service, please redial later. 48. The mouse went to the lavatory. When it saw the bear, it was too scared to say anything. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "won't you lose your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! [Use mice as toilet paper ... 49. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all! 50. On panda's birthday, I said to you: I made two wishes, one is that I can cure my dark circles, and the other is that I hope to have a color photo. Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: he is no better than me. Butterfly replied: At least people have their own house, unlike you 1 living in a dormitory. Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4000 yuan from me, saying that he was going to have plastic surgery. Now he doesn't even know what he looks like. Oh, 4,000 yuan. 2. Notice to the robbers: Our staff only knows Spanish, so please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring an interpreter. Thank you! 3. Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head! I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard. I lost all my money, furniture and clothes. Now I go out like an Arab. Dear, we are facing such a difficult problem. At present, there are three necessary expenses every month: food, rent and clothing, but our current income can only pay for two of them at most. 7. I am forgetful, so my wife often tells me not to take an umbrella when I go out to work in rainy days, so now I have ten umbrellas at home. 8. All the columns are well filled except one. The column of "relationship" should be filled with "mother-in-law" instead of "tight list" Yesterday, scientists did the latest research. One hundred people took part in the experiment. After drinking twenty bottles of beer, everyone becomes extremely talkative but lacks logic, prone to crying and irritability, impulsive, driving skills decline and weight gain. So scientists have come to the conclusion that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen! 10, tragedy is like I accidentally cut off my little finger; Comedy is like you accidentally fell into the sewer. 1 1. When arguing, the difference between men and women is like the difference between rifles and machine guns. 12, can you find a place to have a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet? 13, don't call your children "rabbits", because from a genetic point of view, it is not good for parents. 14, wife, I shouldn't use sheets to shine shoes, but I just got back from a business trip and I can't change them for a while. I was wrong. 15, in order to improve the safety of the product, we decided to put a seal on the bottle cap of the coke bottle: Please open this end; Bottle bottom print: Please open the other end. Husband: Ha ha ha, that hat you are wearing is really funny, just like. . . Ha ha ha, I'm sorry, ha ha ha, that's funny! Wife: Hum! Wait for the bill to come in a few days and see if you still smile. 17, reporter: According to a recent poll, people pay little attention to current events at home and abroad. Congressman, what do you think of this? Congressman: I don't care if I have opinions. 18, Mary, if you don't promise to marry me, I'll kill myself at once, which is my usual practice. 19, I am the only bachelor left in our village. Other men have been neutered when they get married and have children. Doctor, you have to ligate me, too. I'm afraid that if a woman is pregnant, I can't bear the responsibility. Tourist: Master, is that hut over there a toilet? Monk: Except that thatched cottage, all the places are toilets. 2 1. If an idiot can fly, then my company is an airport. 22. If a lawyer and a politician fall into the river at the same time, would you rather have coffee or go to the movies? It would be funny if it didn't happen to me. 24. Do you want to have good teeth? Here are three lessons for you: first, rinse your mouth after meals and brush your teeth in the morning and evening; Second, go to the hospital for a dental examination every two years; Third, mind your own business. 25, the hair is gone, dandruff is more prominent! We always habitually think that the brain is the most important organ of the human body, but don't forget who made this judgment. 27. When listening to the sermon in the church, we should keep quiet. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep. 28. These are not rubbish! I collect antiques! Of course, you can throw it away if you don't like it. 29. Artificial intelligence cannot be compared with the stupidity of nature-because we advocate pure nature. 30. If a person still laughs freely in the face of criticism, then he may have found a scapegoat. I signed up for a weight-loss training class yesterday, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up? If an idiot can fly, then my company is an airport. All men are created equal, except those who get married. Can we go somewhere for a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet? Yesterday, scientists did the latest research. One hundred people took part in the experiment. After drinking twenty bottles of beer, everyone becomes extremely talkative but lacks logic, prone to crying and irritability, impulsive, driving skills decline and weight gain. So scientists have come to the conclusion that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen! I think if I have some modest qualities, I will be a perfect person. 38. If you need suggestions or opinions, we will provide them free of charge; If you need the correct answer, please pay extra. In the past, when the alarm clock rang, I often had the problem of patting it before going back to sleep, but since I put three mousetraps next to the alarm clock, my problem has been eradicated. 40. If Beethoven is the "father of symphony", does it mean that Beethoven's father is the "father of symphony"? 4 1, I have done many stupid things, but I don't care at all. Friends call it "confidence". 42. The Association for the Blind sincerely advises you: Never drink and drive. 43. I think I should lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard. 44. Experiment with two bugs. The one in the whiskey died, which proves that there are no bugs in the stomach when drinking whiskey. 45. I can't describe my creativity, my working ability and my writing ability. If Bill Gates can get one yuan every time he restarts his computer, he will be rich. 47. Ten years later, the court sentenced the murderer to death for the second time. I dedicate this book to my brilliant wife, without whom I would have accomplished nothing. She comforted me when I was in pain; When I failed, she gave me confidence. She never complains, never interferes with my career, never gets to the bottom of it, never comments. She always endures the hardships of life silently. . . (Author's Note-Special thanks to my wife for preface to this book) 49. I pretend to work for my boss, who pretends to pay me. My wife and I haven't spoken for 18 months, so I didn't have a chance to interrupt her. 5 1. Have you heard the story "The big pig said yes, but the little pig said no"? 52. I never watch TV. I just often check whether the TV programs in the newspaper are printed wrong. 53. Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, the first day; Fifteen points. 54. Why don't you be rational? My uncle is here. Why did you think of going to the zoo to see bears? 55. My eyesight is very poor. For example, see the thumbtacks on the wall over there? You can see it, but I can't. 56. Every day, I keep setting a new world record-the number of days I live in the world. Shop assistant: Miss, all your ten hundred-dollar bills are counterfeit. Pretty girl: Ah! I was raped! 59. Thief A: Count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow. 60. In the internet world, your girlfriend may be a man and your boyfriend may be a woman, which is very painful, but you have to accept it. If you want to compete with tigers who can starve to death more, you win. 63. I put the TV remote control on my waist, making it look like I bought a new mobile phone. Money alone can't make people happy, so I also steal some jewelry, stamps, watches and so on.