Female anchor Wei Zi and the landlord

A rural girl stood on the overpass and counted the floors of a tall building. A liar came over and said, "Say, count several floors."

Is it? All right, five yuan a floor. "The girl said," fifteenth floor. After paying the money, a bystander said, "You

How silly! "The girl said," He is stupid! I cheated him. I counted eighteen floors! "

draw inferences about other cases from one instance

Confucius said: Take a dime, but if you don't take a triangle, you will never see it.

Lutz asked: If one angle of any quadrilateral is known to be 30 degrees, how many degrees are the other triangles?

Confucius said: I won't say it!

A new understanding of health

The so-called health is just the slowest state of death.

The next trip will be clean.

Passenger: "Comrade conductor, why are the chairs in the carriage so dirty?"

Conductor: "This is the first train. After pulling this passenger, the next train will be clean. "

talk/speak in one's sleep

The rapper's wife said, "You were talking in your sleep again last night."

The docile husband replied, "Yes, otherwise I wouldn't have a chance to speak."

apology

"Sir, a big rooster in my house broke the flowers in your garden. I am really sorry. "

"Madam, you don't have to apologize. My dog ate your cock. "

"That's great. I just ran over your dog while driving. "

It rains before it leaks.

The landlord is looking at the house with the new tenant.

Tenant: "It seems that this house often leaks water."

Landlord: "No, no, it only leaks when it rains."

Unique skills

Eldest brother got a heavy automatic rifle at home, and whenever eldest sister-in-law loses her temper, eldest brother always says nothing.

Step aside and clean the gun. Sister-in-law turned pale with fear, and a civil war ended before it started.

I can't help asking my eldest brother, "Sister-in-law is afraid that you will kill her?"

Eldest brother proudly said, "No, she is afraid that I will commit suicide."

suggestion

A patient went to see a doctor for the first time.

"Did you consult anyone about your illness before you came here?" The doctor asked.

"Just ask the owner of the drugstore around the corner," the patient replied.

Doctors hate that people who are not doctors often give medical advice, and he doesn't hide it.

Point. "What bad idea did that fool give you?"

"He asked me to come to you."

The age of fossils

A tour guide showed the delegation around the museum and said, "The fossil in this glass box has a history of two million years."

A man asked enviously, "How can you determine the date so accurately?"

"It's very simple," replied the guide. "I have worked here for nine years. When I first came, it had a history of 20 thousand years. "

Fake ticket

I bought a fake movie ticket. Such people are really wicked!

B: What about the tickets?

A: I resold it to others again.

double exchange

Section chief: Did you post both letters on the desk?

Workmate: I sent them all, but I sent the stamps by mistake. Domestic paste 15 yuan, foreign paste 2 yuan.

Section chief: You are too careless. Did you repost it later?

Workmate: Because the stamps can't be torn off, I changed the stationery inside.

Fierce tiger

A: I went to a restaurant with my friends last night, and thieves visited my house.

B: Stealing?

A: My wife thought I was drunk and went home at night, so she beat him. Fortunately, the thief shouted for help.

The police came to save him.

Simple and magnificent

Wife: How can we celebrate our wedding anniversary?

Dave: How about a minute's silence?

Die of defeat

Is your talking parrot still alive?

Oh, forget it. I didn't expect her to die after I raised her for a week.

Did you die of illness?

B: No, she competed with my wife until she was exhausted.

Interesting words

1. My aunt gave me a miniature walkie-talkie as my birthday present. She said that if I obeyed, she would give me another one next year.

2. The bank says it is open day and night? But I don't have that much time to spend on it! ?

3. It's really boring. I drove to a big parking lot downtown and sat in the car to count how many people were there.

Come and ask me if I want to go.

4. There is a sign at the gas station that says "Staff Recruitment", and there is another sign that says "Help yourself". I just

Hire yourself and be your own boss. Fill it up and I'll pay for it myself. Finally resigned and left.

Why doesn't the fattest guy in the world become a hockey goalkeeper?

When you tell a joke in the forest, no one hears it and no one laughs. Is this still a joke?

Because you can wait to go home.

On the third day after my son started attending the nursery, I asked him, "Do you like attending the nursery now?"

"I like it." "Why?" "Because I can wait for you to take me home there."

It's too late to turn over a new leaf

The fox saw the rabbit run away and asked why. The rabbit said, "God ordered all males to be taken."

Kill all the sheep. ""You are not a ram. Why are you nervous? " "Made a mistake, and then rehabilitated.

It is too late. "

What is man's greatest happiness?

After a long period of injustice, it was restored. A rightist has been looking forward to rehabilitation. Twenty years later, this day finally came.

When the old man heard the decision of the Party branch secretary to rehabilitate him, he was so excited that he had a stroke and died on the spot.

. This is really the happiest and most perfect way for human beings to die: he died at the moment when his 20-year wish was finally realized, and

I haven't tasted the disappointment and bitterness that often happens after my hopes come true.

Vintner

To illustrate the disadvantages of drinking, a doctor put two bugs in a bottle and a bottle respectively.

In a bottle filled with water. The worms in the wine died soon, while the worms in the water were still struggling.

The doctor said to the people around him, "You see, this is the harm of drinking." At this time, a kind of wine appeared in the crowd.

Acts shouted: "Yes, people who drink will not have such bugs in their stomachs!" " "

One year, a parrot speech contest was held, and the parrot that won the first place was called Coco. He came out of the cage,

He looked around and shouted, "Why are there so many parrots here?"

Be careful.

Mosquito begged his mother to allow him to go to the theatre. After a long struggle, his mother finally agreed. "

"Well, you can go," she advised, "but you should be careful when people applaud. "

The two gentlemen went hunting together. On the way, one of them suddenly raised his gun and shot, and a wild duck fell to the ground! in addition

One man said, "Good shot! But your lens is completely unnecessary. If you fall from such a high place, you will fall.

Fell dead! "

02, modern joke B(29)

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"I have money, you don't, you should respect me. 」

"You have money is yours, why should I respect you? 」

"I'll give you a quarter of my money. Can you respect me? 」

"You only give me a quarter, why should I respect you? 」

"If I give you half? 」

"In that case, I have as much money as you, so why should I respect you? 」

"I will give you all my money. Can you respect me? 」

"What words! I had money then, but you didn't. How can I respect you? 」

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The secretary asked the boss, "Do you want me to write it down word by word?" The boss said gruffly.

A gruff answer: "I just said it, didn't you understand?" Now sit down, one word.

Write it down! 」

An hour later, this letter was typed, and it read as follows:

"Manager wang:

Damn, this guy's handwriting is so ugly! I don't know. Please ask the secretary to type!

I learned through letters. The parts you want to buy, hello, Xiao Li, the parts that Shengsheng Automobile Factory wants are

how much is it? Oh! Two thousand dollars? Ok, according to the accounting department of our company, it's 2500.

Hundred dollars, huh! This extra 500 yuan is a punishment for his scrawl. hope

Your order will be received soon.

Ok, you can get up, you are really unusual, my legs are numb! 」

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The son was carrying a big bag and said to his father, "I can't stand this family anymore."

Yes I want to leave, I want to go to that place where there is excitement and drinking every day.

There is a beautiful girl's life every day. Dad, under no circumstances can you stop me. 」

Hearing this, Dad quickly said, "Who stopped you? I'll prepare my luggage right away. "

You go together. 」

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A lifeguard protested to the tourists: I have been paying attention to you for three days, Mr. Wang, you

You can't pee in the swimming pool.

Mr. Wang: Everyone urinates in the swimming pool.

Lifeguard: That's right! Sir, but only you are standing on the springboard. ......

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Three surgeons are bragging about their medical skills …

Dr. A said, "I once helped a man connect his arm, and now he is the best on the baseball team."

Good pitcher. 」

Dr. B said, "That's nothing. I helped a man attach a leg, and now he. "

Already a world long-distance runner. 」

Dr. C said, "All this is nothing. I helped a fool smile.

Now he is an executive director of a country. 」

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Taiwan Province Province came to heaven with Japanese and Americans.

To test their loyalty to their country,

They were asked to find their leader from three masked men:

As soon as the Japanese saw the moustache under the mask, they shouted happily, Long live the Emperor.

As a result, Hitler took off his mask and the Japanese were sent to hell for ten days.

When Americans saw a fat man in a mask, they said it must be Clinton.

The result was Gerchin, so Americans were punished like the Japanese;

Finally, it was Taiwan Province Province's turn, only to see people in Taiwan Province Province confidently say "no need to turn around".

God was surprised to ask him why, and people in Taiwan Province Province proudly said:

"As long as the disorderly speak must be our president! ! "

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A drunk came home, climbed into bed to wake his wife and said, honey, our house is haunted!

His wife sat up and said, what did you say?

The drunk said, I just came back to go to the bathroom and the light came on as soon as I opened the door.

His wife said: Really?

He nodded hard and said, it's true!

His wife thought about it and said, do you still think there is a gust of wind blowing out?

He quickly said: Yes! How do you know that?

His wife slapped him hard and said:

Damn it! This is the third time you've been drunk and peed in the refrigerator!

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In order to improve his reputation, the president of a certain country decided to issue a printed matter on it.

Stamps with their own heads were issued for more than a month, and the president decided to go.

The post office checks the sales. .....

President: "What's the sales situation? 」

Employee: "Not bad ... except that some people often complain that they didn't stick it out ..."

President: "How? 」

After that, the president grabbed a stamp and spat on the back.

Water, stick to a piece of paper. ...

President: "Don't you think it's stuck firmly?" ! 」

Employee: "But ... everyone ... everyone ... vomits in front ..."

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Xiaoming chased Xiaohua for several years and proposed to her dozens of times.

Xiaohua finally agreed with him, but on one condition, the shoe box under the bed,

Unable to open it to see Xiaoming, she had to agree to her request. Five years passed in a hurry.

Xiaoming kept his promise and never called to see the shoebox again.

One day Xiaohua was not at home. Xiaoming couldn't help opening the box and found three eggs in it.

And 1200 yuan, Xiao Ming doesn't understand why he put eggs and money, so it's mysterious?

After Xiaohua came back, Xiaoming admitted peeking at the shoe box.

Xiaohua said, since you have seen the shoe box, I will tell you frankly.

I put an egg every time I cheat.

Xiao Ming thought that after five years of marriage, he only cheated twice. Forget it, it's all yours: then why did you put the money in it?

Xiaohua: Whenever I collect a dozen eggs, I change them into money.

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Getting married was a mistake.

Having a baby was a mistake.

Divorce is-awakening.

Getting married after divorce is-paranoia.

What women hate about not getting married is-rubbish.

Getting married and having a boyfriend is a stunner.

Get married, have children, have girlfriends, and divorce is-damn it.

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Zhang Wu goes to the shoe store to buy shoes together.

Three pairs of * * * three hundred yuan

The boss thinks he should refund 50 yuan at a time to buy three pairs for three partners.

On the way, the gang thought 50 yuan was bad for three people, so they took 20 yuan.

Ten yuan for each person.

So three people, a pair of leather shoes 90 yuan.

90 * 3+20 yuan *** 290 yuan.

There are still ten dollars to go there.

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A woman in her twenties is like a football, with 20 people chasing her.

A woman in her thirties is like a blue ball, with 10 people chasing her.

A woman in her forties is like table tennis. Two people call each other.

Women in their fifties are like golf. Play as far away as possible.

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