Get out. _ Isn't it love?

1. Two types of orbits

First, unplanned, spontaneous derailment

Eric Anderson, an elected member of IASR International Institute, found that infidelity can be divided into two types.

One is premeditated derailment, and the other is unplanned spontaneous derailment.

Premeditated derailment is a sober and rational plan.

The derailer analyzed the costs and benefits, decided to implement them, and adopted some strategies and measures to avoid being discovered.

More common is unplanned self-styled infidelity.

Cheaters don't necessarily decide to cheat in advance, but just put themselves in an environment where they are more likely to cheat. He will skillfully manipulate the situation and guide it to develop in the direction of "increasing sexual opportunities" In spontaneous cheating, cheaters often drink alcohol.

Alcohol is a very useful prop. First of all, alcohol relaxes people's "brakes" and it is more difficult to restrain their desires. Secondly, if my partner finds out that alcohol can be a good excuse-I was drunk, so it happened. I didn't mean to, and I won't do it again.

2. "Two-year itch"

But they will cheat again.

Anderson's research found that spontaneous infidelity usually occurs repeatedly.

The more times a man cheats, the less he feels guilty, the more carefully he plans to cheat, and the greater the possibility of continuing to cheat in the future.

Finally, he will come to the conclusion that cheating is a way to satisfy his multiple desires-he loves his partner, wants to be with him, wants the social recognition brought by monogamy, and at the same time, he also wants to have sex with other people.

Second, not because I don't love, but because of the "two-year itch"

Almost all the cheating male respondents said that they didn't want to break up with their partners, and cheating was by no means to find a new partner.

Visitor L said, "I love my girlfriend. I would never want to hurt her. I really don't know why I did it. I definitely don't want to date other girls. I don't care about my cheating partner at all, but I want her, you know what I mean. "

The liar is telling the truth. Cheating is to meet sexual needs, not emotional needs.

3. Love can't stop it.

The meaning of a partner's existence is really different.

Developmental psychology research shows that long-term partners are very important to both men and women. Married men with good marriage have less emotional distress, less depression and more emotional happiness.

Establishing emotional connection with partners satisfies people's emotional desires, provides people with important social recognition and helps to form a positive self-concept.

Any long-term partner needs to negotiate with all aspects of life, dietary preferences and career choices. The place to live, the way to make friends, the way to entertain, the views on current affairs, the outlook on life and values are a difficult and expensive process.

Few people will think "I want to run it all again" when they cheat. Cheating doesn't mean not loving, however, love can't stop cheating.

Anderson's research shows that after two years or so, men and their partners may lose their passion for each other and enter a high incidence of infidelity, usually following a common pattern.

Before having sex, men think they will be satisfied with monogamy.

4. Common patterns in the high-incidence stage of derailment

2 When entering a relationship, premature sexual satisfaction makes men continue to be satisfied with monogamy and continue to think that they will not cheat. People who cheat are immoral.

③ The excitement and attraction of sexual life with partners are gradually decreasing. Men began to find ways to make up for it, find ways to increase the freshness with their partners, use erotic works, masturbate and fantasize about having sex with others.

All the above methods have been tried and the effect is getting weaker and weaker. The track is getting more and more attractive. Men find themselves emotionally wishing to remain monogamous with their partners, but sexually wishing to have sex with others.

⑤ Almost all of them are drunk. Let yourself be in an environment close to temptation, then a kiss, a long kiss. Every interaction will be slightly upgraded. Finally completely off track.

Afterwards, the cheater blamed alcohol and the environment for what happened before. But they won't admit that they actually consciously put themselves in an environment that is easy to derail.

5. Many factors

There are also some factors related to the high railway rate.

The first time you have sex with X is younger. I've had more X partners before. More interested in sex. X value is more tolerant.

Low subjective satisfaction with partner relationship, or poor relationship with partner, living separately from current partner.

My family is in one place and I work in a different place.

There are many sexual opportunities, such as in universities or big cities.

Off track is a "rational" choice.

The so-called "reasonable" does not mean that the track is commendable or a good choice, but that walking out of the track is not "nothing happened", but that men weigh the costs and benefits and think that sneaking out is a good choice for killing two birds with one stone.

Keep your current partner and meet your X needs. Your current partner will not have sex with others and enjoy a good reputation of monogamy in society-as long as it is not discovered.

6. Sometimes, "another idea" will prevail.

Third, the cost of derailment.

Travelers enjoy secret happiness, but almost all of them express a lingering anxiety, worrying that their partners will find out, and the social pressure around them after being discovered.

If you knew in advance that no matter how much you love your partner, your passion for X will inevitably fade after a few years, would you still acquiesce that you can absolutely insist on monogamy?

On the one hand, I think I am a monogamous person, on the other hand, I secretly go out of line, which is actually a cognitive disorder.

When a person holds two completely different ideas at the same time, the idea that conforms to the mainstream of society will always win, but from time to time, the "other idea" will win several times.

Anderson believes that when people start a relationship, they don't sit down with their partners and rationally discuss various monogamy and its rules.

Everyone "naturally" acquiesced and accepted the mainstream monogamy in society-that is, physical monogamy. Even and odd number systems can be divided into four categories.

7. Even-even system

① Physical monogamy: it is the most common monogamy.

Don't betray your partner physically, and don't have sex with anyone other than your partner. However, how to define "physical loyalty" is actually controversial.

Most people think that kissing lips is cheating, and very few people think that it is not a French kiss for a short time. If the internet is involved, the differences of opinion will be even greater.

Do you masturbate when chatting with people online? Some people think it counts, others think it doesn't. Few people have discussed the standard of "physical loyalty" with their partners.

2 desire monogamy: similar to "X orientation", reflecting inner desires and fantasies.

No matter what you do or tell others, deep down, you know what you really want.

8. The parity system is very complicated.

③ Emotional monogamy: Emotional monogamy is often the basis of "open relationship". You can have sex with others with your partner's informed consent.

However, if you are emotionally attached to others more than to your partner, or care about others to the point of hurting your partner's interests, it will be out of place in the emotional monogamy system.

4 social monogamy: people who want to be considered monogamous by society. Create and show the identity of monogamy in society, no matter what you really want to do or do. The odd-even system is very complicated.

Some people have never seriously thought about what kind of relationship they want, and have never seriously communicated with their partners. What kind of relationship do they expect to establish?

Then some people betray, some betrayal is discovered, and some discovered betrayal ends a close relationship.