Horse stand-up comic dialogue Huang toad

That's Mr. Wang's stand-up comedy "Yellow". The work tells the story of a farmer named Huang in the third person-he has rich knowledge of life and quick reasoning. He was called the "Half Immortal" in the village and was sent to the palace by mistake to predict the theft of the night pearl. Huang cheated the manager of the truth by words, and went to the temple to make false accounts in advance, thus pointing out the whereabouts of the night pearl. The emperor was overjoyed to become an official, but Huang refused to resign. The emperor was angry and deliberately cut it down as an excuse. After several difficult problems, Huang answered all the questions and finally returned to his hometown to farm.

Liu Baorui's performance was recorded and distributed by Chinese record companies. This song was included in Selected Stand-up Crosstalk of Liu Baorui published by China Quyi Publishing House 1983.

Yellow demigod

It's very hot in the dog days in June.

There is a Zhangjiawan in JD.COM.

The old couple are eating in the yard.

Here comes a fly, which is really annoying.

This fly took a grain of rice,

The old man angrily chased Sichuan.

My wife waited at home for three months,

The book didn't arrive, the letter didn't pass,

I hired a fortune teller to do the math,

Mr. Wang said, "if you interrupt according to divination, you will lose money and pay for travel."

His divination is really clever. In fact, this six-year-old is smart not only for him, but also for me. What is the score? Let an old lady do the math.

"Sir, you give me a divination."

"What is it?"

"My old man has been gone for three months, and I haven't heard from him. Do you think it is dangerous? "

"Ah, what did he do?"

"Well, chasing flies!"

"Chasing flies? ! What is it? "

"The fly ate a grain of rice."

Of course, it is also a waste of money and anger to compensate for the tolls. Whether you can get it back or not will hurt your money and make you angry. This is nonsense. This divination has no spirit. Sometimes the spirit, he is ignorant, he has a set of methods to calculate divination. As soon as you stand there, he will convince you as soon as he talks to you. How to convince him? Look at his methods. This hexagram pays attention to "Yao Chun". What do you mean by "Yao Chun"? You're the one who divines. I won't do it for you first, but I will arrange it for you first. When I speak jargon, I call it "Yao Chun". The fortune teller pays attention to "playing spring" and "cheating spring". Obviously, he didn't understand you, so he insisted on lying to you! Right? He also has an idea. If there is anything wrong, he can get it back. I thought you said you couldn't take it back. He can take it back. It's called "breaking the chain" There used to be fortune tellers on the overpass. As soon as this stopped, he said it. "This person should be at home, this person should be outside, this person should do business. Oh, dear! This man, your' Tang Yin' shines, and your fortune is prosperous. You should have a fortune in May this year ... "There are three words at the bottom: right? But he won't say this "right". Why not? He is afraid that he will be said "no" when he is finished! Then what should I do? He didn't say, he said slowly, "You should have a fortune on May 1 this year ..." He didn't go on, he looked and looked. If that person really has wealth, he can see it; if that person doesn't, he can see it. what do you think? His method is called "there is a fixed eye, but there is no blink of an eye." If you are right, this person is of course stunned; If you are wrong, you should roll your eyes (learn to roll your eyes). That's not true. He saw it!

"You should have a fortune on May 1 this year ..." He looked at you, rolled his eyes and knew it was wrong, and quickly recovered it. He has something to say:

"... oh, by the way, you should have a fortune on May Day, but you haven't got it yet, have you? ”。

Hey, this is not nonsense!

"Dude, you don't look so good. You should be prosecuted in August this year ... "

There is a "yes" at the bottom, not to mention that he looks at that one and that one and rolls his eyes.

"Ah, you deserve a lawsuit, but with the help of a noble person, it has been shelved. Maybe you don't know yet? "

Don't say he doesn't know, not even him! He'll say that. Therefore, divination is not true. Ah, don't say you have divination spirit. Wow, not only a spirit, but also a diviner. Spirit is spirit. This thing is ridiculous. How does it work? Let me tell you something. Not now, during the Daoguang period of the Qing Dynasty, there was such a thing. Not far from Beijing, there is such a village dozens of miles away. In this village, there lived a farmer. This man is surnamed Huang and nicknamed "Toad"! The man said, "This is new. Does anyone have this nickname? Ah, because he looks particularly like this, with two small round eyes, upturned nostrils, a big mouth, a pockmarked face, black or not, yellow or not, and a green face. So, this nickname is Yellow Toad! Although this man is ugly. He has the ability, eloquence and ability to read words and observe emotions. After studying for a few days, he flipped through the almanac when he was free. Whoever marries a wife, hires a girl and digs a grave in the neighborhood will come to him. What are you doing? He would look at the imperial calendar and let him choose the date. He is also willing to mind his own business. If he says a few words, someone will really believe him and regard him as a prostrate saint! Although he is so clever, his wife is a burden. What happened to his wife? Gross. What's the matter? This disease is terrible, my legs are cold! Two cold legs, if you are not sick, you can still use them to do some farm work. Once you get sick, you can't leave the ground. This disease still happens frequently. When will this cold leg disease break out? If the weather changes, you will make a mistake. My leg hurts on cloudy days, and it hurts on rainy days. In order to catch up with it, when his wife was ill, he had to cook when he came home from the fields. Why? His wife can't go to the fields! After a long time, he was anxious and annoyed. He also found such a trick. Whenever his wife says her leg hurts, alas, it will be cloudy again tomorrow. If it hurts badly, it's ... rain! He's ready. On one occasion, his wife stayed up all night, and the next day Lao Huang went to work in the fields. God, it was sunny, but it was sultry and hot. Old Huang, just put on this hemp fiber! Go outside with a hoe and hemp fiber. His wife looked at him and said, "Lao Huang, you are crazy!" The weather is really nice. Why are you wearing linen clothes? Take it off! "

Lao Huang ignored her and went out. His wife looked at it and said, "Hey! What's going on here? Let you take it off!

He took a step forward, meaning to drag Lao Huang. He just took such a step, "Ouch!" My leg hurts. "Ouch ..." Squatting there. Old huang turned to happy:

"Hey ... why am I still wearing hemp fiber? Your leg hurts, doesn't it? You've been making trouble all night! Won't it rain today? What can I do without hemp fiber? "

His wife is also very happy. They were very happy, but when Lao Huang went out, people in the street were very happy. Why?

"Ah, second brother, why is this yellow toad? Begging for rain? Hey, it's a nice day. Why are you wearing linen clothes? Take it off! "

Old huang justly:

"Don't take it off, you'll need it later!"

"What are you doing? What's the use in the future? "

"What's the use? It's raining today! "

What he means is that his wife's leg hurts. Isn't it nonsense when everyone hears it is raining? There are no clouds in the sky. Where is it raining? I didn't believe him, so I went to work in the fields. This work has been done for over an hour. Hey! Suddenly, I looked up and saw a black cloud coming from the south and coming at me like the bottom of a black pot. It was soon laid, there was a thunder, wow ... it was raining cats and dogs. Everyone ran home, drenched like a chicken. Look at Lao Huang, wearing hemp fiber, shaking every step as if nothing had happened. Hey!

"Old Huang, you are really good!"

Old Huang loves to blow the atmosphere:

"Why have two down son? By the way, I don't even know it's raining on cloudy days, let alone! "

What does he mean? My wife's leg hurts. Can I not know? Everyone has a look, wow, Lao Huang is really capable! A few days later, I got up early this morning. The weather is very cloudy, and it is very cloudy. Lao Huang just wants to work in the fields. First, he asked his wife:

"How's it going? Does your leg hurt? "

"It doesn't hurt."

"It doesn't hurt, ok!"

He came out with a hoe and took a look. Well, many people are covered with hemp fibers.

"Hey, Lao Huang, go home and get hemp fiber!"

"Why take that? What trouble! "

"Trouble? If you don't eat for a while, you will be soaked! "

"Get what rain? Don't worry, it won't rain today. "

Go to work in the fields. Listen, everyone: it didn't rain? It's so cloudy, it won't rain, will it I just hoed the ground for two ridges and watched. Oh, my God, hey, the clouds are clearing away and the sun is coming out. Old Huang, you are still cynical:

"Why, hemp fiber is white? I told you not to listen. Look, it didn't rain. "

"Old Huang, hey, it's strange that we were all caught in the rain that day, but you twisted slowly home in hemp fiber. Hmm? Today, we all hold hemp fibers and have leucorrhea. What do you mean? How do you know if it will rain? "

"Ah ..."

How dare he say, "My wife's leg hurts, so I understand". How do you say this? Everyone asked again, and he was excited:

"Oh, I, I came up with it in Zhuge Liang's pre-horse class."

Wow, hello, everyone. It's amazing that it can be calculated whether there is rain or not in the early stage of Ma Shen class! It's good to play here. Everyone shouted at him. Come on, what happened before? A man married his wife and hired a girl. He came to see Lao Huang and asked him to show him the imperial calendar. Later, I heard that he wanted to teach Zhuge Liang before the horse. Well, whoever loses something will come to him. Daughter-in-law Zhang lost an earring to find him.

"Uncle, I lost my earrings. Your pre-competition training is very clever. Please help me calculate! "

How can he say: I won't, I will treat it as a rainy day, and my wife will follow me! He can't say!

"Oh, I'll do the math for you."

He pretended to be a madman;

"Earrings are lost, aren't they? Ok ... I didn't lose it! "

"Uncle, you said you didn't lose it, but it's gone."

"No, no! I told you to go home and find it. You'll find it beside the jar and behind the water tank. Go! "

Daughter-in-law Zhang left and went home to look for it, next to the pot. Oh, I really found my earrings. How does his divination work? Lao Huang is hard to think. He thought to himself: she is a daughter-in-law, and her daughter-in-law cooks and carries water every day, except beside the pot table and around the water tank. He said these two places. Well, I really found it at the kitchen counter. Wow! Now it's louder. One day, Li Er's sister-in-law came to see him. Li Ge has been gone for more than three months, and I haven't heard from him. Sister-in-law Li Er is here:

"Huang Ge, you see, we have been gone for more than three months and haven't written yet. I'm really worried. When do you think he will come back? "

"Ah, divination!"

"ah!"

"Well, very good."

Pretend to pinch your fingers, he doesn't count first, talking to Li Er's sister-in-law.

"Hey, sister in law, you also is really of, what can I do for you to send someone to come to me? Why do you have to come by yourself? Look at your heavy body, why don't you go out? "

"Ah ... never mind, I'm only nine months old."

"Oh ... well, come out! Don't write again if you don't come back this month. You must come back next month. Go ahead. "

Wow, you must come back next month! What happened? I really didn't write it. I'm really coming back next month. It worked again. How did he work this time?

How does it work? Lao Huang is hard to think. When he heard that he was pregnant for nine months, well, that's what he thought. This woman is pregnant, and he knows it, and he knows it! If you don't write for three months, just wait to come back and serve the moon! Hey, I'm really coming back next month. It's great to call here, so I'm screaming. Not only did he say that he could pinch and calculate, but he also named him "Huang". One spread to ten, ten spread to hundreds, hundreds spread to thousands, thousands spread to thousands, villages spread to townships, and townships spread to counties. From one hand to the other, to Beijing.

Hey! Old Huang should get rich. Something has been lost in the Beijing Palace! What is missing? Daoguang lost a priceless night pearl! The night pearl is lost like this, and the light is urgent. In the Qing Dynasty, Daoguang was the least angry emperor, not only the least angry, but also a greedy emperor. Calculate, his dragon robe has been patched! So stingy. It would be great if such a night pearl were lost! Send the nine magistrates to the temple at once and give them a big reprimand. Give them three days to find the night pearl, but if they can't find it, they will be demoted and fined!

Three days? I can't get it back in five days! What's the matter? It's not easy to catch stealing the night pearl! Who is it? Cui Ying, the eunuch in charge of the palace, is a mole. Where do you think this thing can be found? Nine magistrates looked outside the palace, but of course they couldn't find them!

I can't find it in three days, so what? Demotion and pay penalty. If you can't find it in five days, you will be demoted to the Golden Temple and fined. To put it bluntly, I haven't found it for a month and a half. It's broken! I haven't found it for a month and a half. These nine magistrates have all been demoted to the Imperial Horse Circle to walk their horses!

On this day, Daoguang was annoyed, and he was furious in the Golden Hall: "It takes a thousand days to raise soldiers, but it takes a while to use them. The night pearl has been lost for more than a month, and there is nothing the civil and military officials can do. What is this? " "Do you all want to walk your horses?"

Everyone was scared when they heard it: hula! Kneeling to a large area, an assistant minister, Na Rong, knelt for half a step:

"Long live your honor, I heard that there is a fortune teller named Zhuge Zhou outside the front door of Xijiang River. This person can not only divine, but also' round light'. If we want to find him and count the whereabouts of the night pearl, we will know! "

Hearing this, the emperor said, "Come on!" Tell Cui Ying, the eunuch in charge, "Go to the front door to find Zhuge Zhou, and go into the palace for several nights to find the Pearl!"

Cui Yingri grinned with anger. How come? The night pearl is his inside man. Heart said: this assistant minister is old and glorious. Do you kneel well? Why do you have this idea? "Its skill is like a god", Ling! Come here and find out I stole it. What should I do? But the emperor issued an imperial edict, and he had to find it. No, ride a horse! I took it from someone else. When I arrived at the Xijiang River, I asked. The first door, the one in the north of the road, went to the front and took a look. Very good! There are three white Chinese fir pillars with Yang Liuzhi's son tied to them, and a white note that says "I'm sorry for the bad news". Ask, Zhuge Zhou is dead! Hey, Cui Ying is so happy! All right, tell the emperor. Hearing this, the emperor said:

"If you die, find someone else, someone who knows divination and is smart!"

"hey."

Look again! Once again, I came to the mill head factory and saw a sign hanging at the door of a life museum: "Liu Tiezui".

Cui Ying dismounted and came in.

"Can you calculate divination?"

Liu Tiezui, look at this style. ...

"Ah, I can do divination."

"Is it invalid?"

"Did you see my name not posted? Liu Tiezui', because I'm Kouga with an iron mouth, and I'm a diviner! "

"Well, really smart?"

"Ah, how clever!"

"So ... see you later!"

The soothsayer looked, where is this snoring in broad daylight? Tell him ling, he "see you later", what's wrong with that!

How did he know? Cui Ying dare not look for the true spirit. Yes, his head has moved.

No, find someone else. I found another one. There is a "Kong Liming" museum on Qianmen Street. You ask there, it is also a kind of spirit! "See you later!" He went out again.

He pondered: No! Quan Ling, what should we do? Oh, by the way, don't look for the pavilion of life, look for the divination pavilion on the overpass. Yes! Find a hexagram stand and ask:

"Is your divination invalid?"

He also said spirit. It's all about the divination pavilion. Not working? Who can't tell? What does he eat? I asked several divination booths, and they all said, wow, wow, but I searched in Beijing for three days. I've searched all the divination booths in Beijing, but I can't even find one! What should I do? On the fourth day, when I went to see my boss, I was bored: I looked everywhere inside and outside the city, right! Xinma rode out of the city with his entourage and the reins. After walking dozens of miles, I was hot and tired and came to a village.

"Come on, let's have a rest!"

When I got off the horse and saw a child under the tree, I asked:

"Hey, do you have a fortune teller here?"

"Yes, this door!"

Ah, it's Huang's door. The child is so sharp.

"Oh, great!" Go inside.

On this day, Lao Huang was at home. What is he doing at home? I'm worried about there. What is there to worry about? His wife's leg hurts again. It's going to rain again. After a while, he will bring firewood and things into the house, please! It's really annoying here. After such a long time, ah, Cui Ying, the eunuch's manager, came in.

"Can you calculate divination?"

Hearing this, the old huang said:

"Ah ... I ... I will ..."

"Is it invalid?"

This question is invalid, and the voice is quite loud. Seeing his style, Lao Huang said to himself, Where can I go for this divination? Simply tell the truth!

"My divination … alas … my divination … alas … doesn't work."

"hmm? Hey! I've been looking for it for a long time, but here it is! Okay, okay, oh, it's useless? Is it really invalid? "

"Alas ... I really can't!"

"Oh, come on, come on, come with me!"

"Where shall I go with you?"

"When I went to Beijing, I lost the pearl of the emperor. Please calculate! "

Hearing this, Lao Huang: What? Calculate divination for the emperor. Isn't this nonsense? Don't say that the calculation is not good. If you say the wrong word-the crime of turning around, it won't work. Say it quickly:

"... sir ... you ... don't understand. My divination doesn't work! "

"Nonsense, spirit is not for you! Go, go! "

"Master ... my divination ... is useless!"

"It doesn't matter whether it works or not. I tell you, even if it doesn't work, I'll put in a good word for you in a pint. What does it matter if I give those two money away? " If you don't go, you disobey orders. There is action outside the noon gate! "

"Oh, don't bargain!"

I thought: if you don't go, then you will die. If not, you can give them some money and blow them out. ...

"Well, can I ... can I go?"

"Don't waste time! If you don't go, you will disobey orders. Go! " Without asking for anything in return. Let's leave now.

"Hey ... I'll go, I'll go ... you look after the house at home."

"Hey, look at this ... it's not bad luck. My leg still hurts. Look, are you leaving now?

"Oh, no, don't go? If you don't obey orders, your leg will still hurt. Oh, yes, I took hemp fiber! "

Cui Yingri, look:

"repetitive! The weather is fine. What are you doing with hemp fiber? "

"hmm? ..... No, don't worry, you can use it, it's raining today! "

He is thinking that his wife's leg hurts and it will rain today. Cui Ying also didn't care too much.

"Ah, let's go!"

Take him to Beijing and arrange to stay in an inn. Lao Huang, I can't eat or sleep. I'm so sad!

"How do you calculate this thing?"

In the middle of the night, well, wow ... it's raining cats and dogs. It's raining, Lao Huang thought. Don't ask, my wife's leg hurts at home. Well, I was caught by a senior official. This master is killing me. I said it was useless. I have to come; He said, give two money out, where there is such a cheap thing? How to calculate for the emperor? All right, throw away the night pearl and let me find it. Where can I find it? Well, if it rains on a cloudy day, I can still work it out-that's not good! I have to get my daughter-in-law here-how can I give this thing to the night pearl? Give it to the emperor tomorrow. Where can I ask him to find it? By the stove? Behind the tank? Is there a water tank in that palace? This is not fatal!

I'm sad, but I hate it. Who do I hate? I hate thieves who steal beads. He hates it in his heart. Sitting there in a hurry, his mouth full of words:

"The thief is wrong. You can't steal anyone. Why steal the emperor? If you knew you stole it, would you live? Besides, the master was wrong. I said my divination didn't work. If I don't come, it's over. You begged me to come, urged me, urged me. Can you live? "

He means that you urged me to come, so I came. Can you live if I don't exercise? If I don't count, you are guilty of dereliction of duty, and you can't live. This is the meaning of his heart, pointing to the outside:

"I'm coming, can you live?"

Well, this sentence has ears through walls, and someone heard it. Who is it? Cui Ying, general manager. Why did he come? Ah, he arranged for Lao Huang to go to the inn. He went back to the house, set the table, ate and drank, and his heart was full of joy: Oh, forget it, I will give the emperor divination tomorrow, if I can't figure it out, I will kill him, which is none of my business. Hey, this bead, I can't commit crimes in my life! Hey, well, he doesn't look like a capable person. Can a capable person look like this? Happy!

I am very happy here. Wow ... it's raining outside. When it rains, he is alert in his heart. No sooner had he opened the door than it began to rain cats and dogs.

Hmm? No way, his divination didn't work? It doesn't work. Why is he wearing hemp fiber? How did he know it was raining today? Oh, it's not "a wise head makes a close mouth, a wise head makes a close mouth", is it? Pay lip service but not pay lip service. Tomorrow, I will go to Jinxitang and do a calculation. I will point out that he is the one who stole the beads! All right, I'm done! Hey, this is unbearable, no ... I have to listen to the news!

Then he came, and no one knew he was coming. He quietly came to the outside of the Huang family. He just stood there listening. When he came, the first two sentences meant the past, and this is what he said:

"Hurry up, hurry up! I'm coming. Are you still alive? "

He also pointed out. Cui Yingri: Huh? "Hurry up, hurry up, I'm coming", here he comes; Can you live? I ... I can't live! He thought it was me! Oh, he's ... okay. ...

You'd better listen again. He wouldn't listen. He was afraid, so he pushed the door and came in, and goo goo knelt down.

"Ah ... this ... fortune teller forgives, fortune teller forgives! "

Old Huang was startled. When he saw the manager kneeling here, he could feel the words "Half Immortal forgives, Half Immortal forgives". I don't know what happened when he saw the manager spraying all over. He can hold his breath:

"Hey, don't be afraid, don't be afraid, get up and say, get up and say, what's the matter, you?"

"Ah ... oh, you fortune teller, this divination is really smart. You're here. I ... I can't live. I know you're right. I stole this bead. I stole it. Please help me. "

Hearing this, Lao Huang: Smell! That's what happened! Old Huang Can is really putting on an act, too heavy to live;

"Hey ... oh, you stole it! Hum, I already know that you stole it! I not only found out that you stole the beads, but also found out where you were hiding. "

Take the words to cheat, Cui Yingri listens, hey, it's all worked out ... I'm also stunned. Can you work it out? Then I'll let him talk.

"Ah, this is ... fortune teller, you figured it out, so you figured out where I hid the beads?"

If this is left to others, if you ask this sentence, you must ask to get down. Lao Huang has a glib tongue. When he heard this:

"Well, come out. Ha ... I said where did you hide that bead, I said? " I said yes, but I won't say it now. I will talk to the emperor tomorrow! "

"Ah ... don't price! Why not say it here? "

"What am I telling you here? I said,' I figured it out. I know where you are hiding. I won't tell you, let you tell yourself. I dare you to lie to me. "

Hey!

"Oh ... banxian, please forgive me, I dare not lie. My beads are buried under the banana tree in the imperial garden! "

"Ah, that's all. I think it is also buried there! "

How many people did we count him? !

"You get up."

"Yes, fortuneteller, why do you ... fortuneteller? You are a living fairy. You are right. When you see the emperor tomorrow, please don't say I stole it. I ... give you five hundred and twenty pieces of silver. "

Hearing this, Lao Huang sneered, "Ha! ...

What does he mean? Hey, this guy won't sue! But his sneer, Cui Ying don't know what he is doing, think he is too little.

"Ah ... oh, no 520. I will give you 1000. "