Ceng Shiqiang: How to make rules for children?

Let's give an example. Three horses and several horses are in the same car, each moving in a different direction. No matter how hard they try, they will never reach their destination. The same is true at home. If the father has his father's opinion and the mother has her mother's opinion, the child will be in trouble. Who should he listen to? He doesn't know who to listen to. Therefore, we should remind parents that you can disagree, but at least in front of children, you should have educated knowledge so that children can do it. But now, it is usually the father who says father and the mother who says mother. At this time, it is easy for children to be opportunistic.

For example, he asked his mother for the same thing first. If she doesn't give it, he will ask his father for it, and his father will give it to him. Mom doesn't like it, but dad likes it. He did it in front of his father, but his mother dared not do anything. Parents have developed the habit of opportunistic children since childhood, and he will suffer for the rest of his life. When we finally teach a child well, we will feel that parents should unite and stand on the same side. Let the children know that their father doesn't like it, and neither does their mother. No matter where he tries, it's useless. In the end, he can only do what his parents want.

We seldom say the phrase "having many children and grandchildren" now, because history shows that having many children is not necessarily a blessing. You see, some people have raised many children, and none of them have achieved anything, but they have made a mess at home. Asking for more children and grandchildren is actually an inner anxiety. A person with a very stable heart doesn't even care about having boys and girls. A full-hearted person doesn't care whether to have one or two, because both are beneficial. Therefore, having more children does not necessarily represent the good side, just because I want to have more children and make sure that one of them will succeed, which is another manifestation of anxiety. As parents, we should first open our hearts and fully accept our children. Even if the child is born with six fingers, you have to accept it; Even if he was born with only one ear, you have to accept it; Even if one eye is born blind, you should accept it happily. That's right. Because you are not qualified to choose, you have no chance to change.

To put it another way: no one is perfect, and every child has his strengths and weaknesses. This is called individual difference. Everyone is different. Parents can't choose their children because children are not commodities. So I don't quite agree with many people who say "I chose this child".

Children have the right to choose their parents, but parents have no right to choose their children. You see, many people want to have boys, but they have girls. Some people really want to have girls, but they just have boys. There are still many people who really want to have children, but they can't. These are all evidences. This proves that parents have no right to choose, but children have the right to choose their parents. You see, he knew that he had chosen such a bad parent, regretted it before he was born, and then miscarried. Or when he was born and saw that his parents were wrong, he felt that his life was over and he was dead. So from all the signs, we can feel that parents have no right to choose their children, while children have the right to choose their parents. What should we do?

As long as we are open-minded, we welcome when we come and complain about others when we come. If you just have a hard time with yourself, it is easy to hurt the feelings of parents and children. But in fact, many parents are angry at the sight of their children, and they are disgusted at the sight of their children. This mentality must be changed. Because you can't choose him or exchange him for another, you can only accept him. This is the only way.

Why do children grow up in different ways? Is to tell parents to teach students in accordance with their aptitude. If it is all the same, it will be easy to teach. Just write a set of textbooks. To tell the truth, the textbooks in our school are basically flawed. People who really understand education will tell you that the textbooks for boys and girls should not be the same. Generally speaking, girls are not interested in mathematics, and it is useless to ask her to learn advanced mathematics. Boys are more interested in math. You should let him learn more, which is only fair. Girls have girls' interests and ambitions, while boys have boys' interests and ambitions. Now, the school requires boys and girls to pass the exam, but not to fail. This is not a good school practice. In addition, at home, parents can see what the characteristics of their children are, and then you can really teach students in accordance with their aptitude. As long as parents adopt a consistent direction and way, children will not only believe it quickly, but also accept it quickly. Don't let the child think that you two are different, let him start choosing what he likes. Only when he has no choice, he has to face your needs, and he will start to cooperate. Therefore, we especially recommend that parents can have different opinions, but you can discuss it behind closed doors. You don't need to say different things in front of the children.

I see some families have very good parents. When a child encounters something, his father disagrees, and his mother immediately knows that he disagrees. Then my mother went to the room and asked my father what to do. Even if there is a quarrel, the voice will not be heard by outsiders. Just wait until you reach an agreement with my father. Moreover, parents had better not change their minds, such as not changing the afternoon in the morning and not changing tomorrow today. A child needs flexibility, but if you give him too much flexibility, he will be at a loss.

Each of us should take our flexibility slowly. If a person wants to be flexible, he must first do the basic movements well before you can be flexible. It's terrible that you started telling him to adapt before the basic movements were done. We have a proverb: No rules are not enough. Is to tell us that you have to have rules to make a circle. You have no rules, a circle is not like a circle, and a square is not like a square. It's not good to make a mistake, so it's best to make three chapters, and don't ask for a lot at once, so that children can't remember it at all and can't do it.

For example, there is a family with a successful education. He won't scold the child when he sees that he has done something wrong, because the whole family has the same contract, and it is stipulated that every night from 8: 00 to 8: 00 15 is the review time. After all, what the child did wrong is his business, and the family will not say him. At eight o'clock, his family will ask him, what do you think is wrong today? Children should be prepared in their hearts. When he knows it's eight o'clock, the child will start reviewing. He won't feel wronged. If you show him his mistakes, he will be nervous all day. How does he study? How can he live a stable life? So parents tell their children that we respect everyone. But every night, my father will review first. Then my dad said that I was in a hurry when I went out this morning, so I didn't pay attention to anything you told me. I'm sorry. The children will understand. Dad makes mistakes, too Why can't I? He began to talk about his mistakes.

Isn't this family very harmonious? All the shortcomings have been reviewed. Why are you so harsh and fussy? Do anything, give each other a psychological preparation. For example, before we take the child out, ask him first. Uncle Zhang will come from Tianjin tomorrow, and we will go out for dinner with him. Do you want to go? Children often say I won't go. But we have to understand that just because children say no doesn't mean they really don't want to. When you went to see the child, he said he wanted nothing, and in the end he wanted everything.

Therefore, parents cannot use their children's words to determine what their children are thinking, which is unreliable. At this time, parents can say, "Well, what will you do if you don't go?" He said, "I'm still at home." You ask him, "Are you afraid at home alone?" He said "not afraid" and you said "then do it". He will go with you in five minutes. At this time, you said, "You'd better not go. It's more comfortable at home." He said, "No," and you said, "So you have to dress neatly when you go out?" He said "definitely" and you said "You have to wear shoes, you can't go out barefoot like this". He will also say "yes". In this way, he will agree with whatever you say, and then he will do whatever you say.

But now many parents ask their children to call him immediately without preparation. Honestly, you can't even do it yourself. You see, couples often quarrel because they didn't agree in advance. People are not machines, so we should always be mentally prepared. We have said that if we want to treat children as human beings, we must be psychologically prepared for them. For example, tell him to wash his hands before eating, and he will know. Everyone is busy, so he is going to help with chopsticks. Didn't do well in the exam the first time. Ask him if chopsticks look better this way. He looked at it, then put the rest on the table, and you began to teach him. He is very happy. He didn't resist, so he learned easily.