After breaking up, how can I let it go?

The feeling of "unwilling" is similar to the feeling of anger. People who feel unwilling often feel that their self-esteem, self-confidence or emotions have been hurt by others. When we don't want to, our behavior is essentially to maintain damaged self-esteem, self-confidence and so on. So you ask the other person why it is inappropriate, because you feel emotional pain because of being denied by the other person, and think that this pain can be alleviated by asking for an explanation. The other party's perfunctory answer will further hurt your feelings and self-esteem, because you feel that you have not received the attention you deserve, which will trigger a new wave of emotional analgesia, and then more unwilling. So unwillingness can be superimposed, and the initial stabbing pain causes your strong reaction, which in turn causes more contradictions. How to avoid being unwilling? Through consulting experience, I found that people who feel unwilling often fall in love prematurely, agree with each other when the relationship is immature, and open their hearts psychologically and emotionally without reservation. At this time, the other party suddenly takes a step back or wants to terminate the relationship, and you will feel that your previous honesty is like being cheated. It's like, when people say they are free to come to your house for dinner, you have worked hard to cook a table of dishes at home, but others say you are too busy today. What's the problem? The problem is that people say "come to dinner sometime", but they don't set a specific time. In feelings, it means that the other person likes you and has a good impression on you, but people are not sure that they must marry you.

There will always be many regrets in a person's life. Sometimes a son has to raise and his relatives are not there. Sometimes it is the passing of opportunities; Sometimes the body becomes imperfect because of illness; Sometimes I may be busy with my work and miss my child's growth.

People tend to pay attention to what they have lost, and often use "if" to describe regret. If I am not sick, then I must not have so much trouble; If I hadn't taken drugs, it wouldn't be so difficult to find a job; If we had known each other earlier, we would have been happier than now. When the theory of "if" appears repeatedly in your mind, you will find that the feeling of helplessness and grief will become stronger, because time cannot be reversed, the past time cannot be repeated, and all assumptions are just a bubble of dreams. Maybe when you indulge in "if", you will have new regrets.

Letting go is not to deny, escape or forget, but to accept and change. Therefore, one of the alternative ways to let go of regrets is to break the "if" cycle.

Many people mistakenly think that a good relationship means that marriage will soon be put on the agenda. Recently, there have been several cases in which everyone started to talk about marriage as soon as they entered the relationship, but they didn't know each other and were not familiar with it. In fact, boys have no bottom at all. They just like girls in mouth and resist anxiety in heart. Girls are particularly easy to enter the role when they hear boys say this. As a result, all the women fell, all the men tried to escape, the girls chased after them, and the boys resisted more. The more you chase, the more you resist and the more you abuse. If you ask me, even if you are in a hurry, you should at least get along 1 or get married in two years. I am a very understanding person, and I never dare to say that I can judge whether the other person is suitable for the rest of my life in a few weeks or months. Human nature is so complicated, don't use a little understanding to infer that the brain will make up for a lifetime. It's normal to get married in a hurry. Many mistakes in people's feelings stem from overestimating their ability to recognize people. This may be related to too many people who study pseudoscientific systems such as constellations and nine-type personality. Everyone likes to draw many conclusions with a little information. Rational scientific deduction is to draw a conclusion through a lot of information. Facing a person with this kind of thinking will never degenerate prematurely and will never be unwilling.

The first step is to learn to accept. Try to write down those regrettable events and how you feel about them. If "if" appears in your thinking process, please write down the details of "if". For example, "if I didn't have a heart attack, I wouldn't have so much trouble." I can travel by plane, I can see many beautiful scenery, I can express my love to my loved ones, and I can save snacks for my parents. "Be sure to write the content in detail, the more detailed the better, because these are your true feelings and expressions.

The second step is to find the parts that can be rewritten. When the negative thinking of individuals appears repeatedly, it is no longer as simple as emotional venting, but will gradually entangle and become confused until it collapses. The process of writing it down is the process of self-combing, and it also gives you the opportunity to rewrite it. Through the above example, we can rewrite it as "I hope to make my parents worry, my beloved can accept me, I hope to see many beautiful scenery, and I hope to have less troubles in my life." I can do this ... "

The third step is to list the change plan and try to change it.

So the relationship is advancing too fast, and you are too eager to identify with someone psychologically. Once there is a problem in the relationship, the feeling of unwillingness will immediately emerge. If you are already in this situation, the only way out is to learn to respect the facts. Unwilling people tend to deceive themselves rather than admit the obvious facts in order to calm their emotions and soothe their wounded hearts. For example, this friend who asks questions obviously can't continue to maintain a relationship, but he refuses to accept this fact. If two people care about each other and are willing to work together, then of course you should try to reconnect. But the fact in the above case is that the other party no longer has nostalgia for the relationship. No matter how hard you try, you can't repair the relationship because you can't get the echo and cooperation from the other party. Although I understand that it is difficult to accept this fact and choose between cruel reality and fantasy, please remember: the truth will never hurt you, and only fantasy will put you in a terrible situation. The real function of your pain and unwillingness now is to remind you that you have deviated from the truth, not to encourage you to anesthetize yourself with new fantasies.

Accept. Accept what you regret, accept its occurrence, and accept the end of one thing. Take feelings as an example, learn to accept the end of a relationship, or accept that there are others around the person who has a secret crush, or accept the end of a marriage.

We must accept the reality of regret before we can let it go.

Face up to your imperfections. Everyone is not perfect and makes mistakes. There are shortcomings in personality. Many times, the end of a relationship is due to various reasons, and each other's personalities cannot be integrated. You must accept your imperfections and admit the shortcomings in your character.

Give time. Time will help you get through it and come out slowly.

Enrich yourself. Don't dwell too much on the past or things you can't change, because it's useless. It is better to arrange your life, learn to travel, cultivate hobbies and enrich your life.

Try to make a change. Learn to reflect on your own shortcomings, such as the end of this relationship, mutual responsibilities, what you did badly in this relationship, whether you need to pay attention in the future, and whether some places need to be changed.

Past regrets cannot be changed, all we can do is let go.

As for the regrets that may happen in the future, we have many ways to avoid them.

Cherish the present, cherish the present.

The nature of the relationship is determined by the boundary. The boundaries between a person and his friends, lovers and family will be different in distance and thickness. For those close to us, we feel that the boundary with them is thinner, for example, we can allow them to participate in their important life decisions and so on. When a relationship ends, or ta decides to leave you, in ta's mind, the boundary between you has gone from near to far. The research believes that when a person's new psychological boundary is established-acknowledging and accepting that your boundary with ta is no longer as close as lovers, and your boundary with others becomes flexible again (the boundary with other potential objects becomes close or distant again), it can be regarded as preparing to move on-love and being loved can happen again in your life, which is also your relationship with your predecessor and this period. * Does letting go mean forgetting? The study found that, in fact, most people can't forget their ex for a long time, especially when this person has more or less had some positive or negative influence on your life. However, forgetting is not a prerequisite for release. We don't have to force ourselves to forget to prove that we are free. Many times, just because I haven't let go, I force myself to forget. Letting go is actually that you still allow ta to exist in your memory, but ta is no longer an uncontrolled, obvious and concrete existence that invades your mind all the time (lafata, 20 15). You have let go. When you open the drawer and read the letters you have exchanged, you may still be filled with emotion. However, whenever I have time, my mind is full of memories related to ta. No longer play the "lovelorn music library" in a loop, I feel that every word is about you; I won't keep watching ta's updates on social networks every day, just to make myself feel as if it's not over yet.