How to save your boyfriend after breaking up? No, drop the price, save your predecessor with these eight tricks.

Love is a book to be understood. The love we see with our eyes is only superficial. True love requires listening attentively. When you know life, you will know love.

A boy told me the day before yesterday: Mr. Jin Kun, can this situation be compounded? I've changed. Will she come back? I just broke up for three days and was dumped for the first time. We didn't even misunderstand each other. We didn't fight. When we broke up, she said that she and I were not suitable. I vaguely remember that she once said that she was too mature. But now she thinks I'm too immature. Now is not a good time. She cried that day. She said she couldn't bear to part with me, but she didn't want to be sorry.

Now the whole person ate, slept, ate, was taking a driver's license and broke up, which led to the whole person's lack of energy and inability to concentrate. Before the exam, it suddenly occurred to her that the final subject had not even had time to get off the bus. Now she has a deep sense of frustration, feeling that she can't do anything rationally, and now she will feel so stupid.

Yesterday I asked her, if a brand-new me stood in front of you, would you look back? She said that no one will know in the future. Later, she said, I really want to grow up, I can control my emotions, and then I can stand in front of her and save her without losing myself. I also believe that time has smoothed everything out, but I am afraid that my heart with her will be smoothed out at that time, and I really can't go back ... Today, I will discuss with you whether we can get back together after breaking up. I hope I can help you.

First of all, can we get back together after breaking up? Answer: Yes. Say the important things five times, okay? But not everyone can get back together. There is uncertainty in this.

As for uncertainty, we have described it a lot in our daily life. Accidents will happen. Plans can't keep up with changes. Do your best and leave it to fate. ..... There is even a folk saying: Life is like playing mahjong, you can only decide what cards to play, but you can't decide what cards to draw; When you are still trying to listen to cards, others are already overwhelmed; ..... Everyone wants to live according to their own plan, but you have your plan and the world has other plans.

After breaking up, no one can be sure whether he will love you in the next second, whether you will love him in the next second, which intersection he will appear in the next second, which store you will meet in the next second, or at which turning point your relationship suddenly went smoothly, and then suddenly it was not good at that turning point; What problems will become non-problems and what problems will never pass; Whether your relationship will continue or suddenly end ... no one knows the answers to these questions.

You don't know, he doesn't know, I don't know, God doesn't know, I don't know. I don't know whether the article on WeChat official account or Zhihu's answer. The aversion, hatred, aversion and avoidance of this uncertainty make people constantly experience surprise, fear, loneliness, frustration and disappointment in their relationships.

Secondly, the reasons for breaking up and getting back together (because there are many reasons for breaking up in privacy, I won't explain them one by one, but I will summarize some points and hope to help you. )

Reasons for breaking up:

1, boys are greedy for the new and tired of the old (psychologists call men's tendency to look at things differently "ancient strong governance effect"). This effect has been proved by the experiment of any mammal, and the trace of this effect is inevitably left on human higher animals. Men's psychological tendency of liking the new and hating the old is not a personality defect, but has a profound physiological and psychological foundation. But people have conscience and morality, and it is these things that make people finally get rid of the animal kingdom. )

It is human nature to pursue better things. Being able to conquer more beautiful women is also a manifestation of the higher the value of men. So if you don't keep your charm and a female friend who is better than you happens to appear in front of him, he may abandon you.

2, together, found inappropriate (heartbeat is not necessarily true love: suspension bridge effect. When a person walks through the suspension bridge in fear and looks up to find a heterosexual, this is the most emotional situation, because the heartbeat caused by fear on the suspension bridge will be mistaken for the reaction of seeing the destiny takes a hand's other half. Just like why the beauty finally fell in love with the hero who saved her after the hero saved her. )

When two people are together, I find that you two are not suitable. In fact, the best love in youth is always green, but it is also regrettable. Because you didn't know much about love at that time, maybe a man really likes you, so he actively pursued you. At that time, he felt nothing in his heart, but after being together, he found that you were not suitable! So in fact, a man wants to break up with you, and he is not very comfortable in his heart, because he likes you in his heart, but your personalities are not suitable, so it is really impossible to go to the end. Although this kind of love is regrettable, it does leave you with good memories.

3, the first love came back to find him (the first love is the most unforgettable: Chickney effect. The most ignorant, green and unforgettable in my heart, the kind of ambiguous love with the seeds of love makes people miss it. Chikuni, a western psychologist, has done many interesting experiments and found that it is easy for ordinary people to forget what they have accomplished and what they have achieved, but they always remember what they have been interrupted, unfinished and failed to achieve. This phenomenon is called "Chickney effect". )

Reason for coming back: (You're welcome to say it here)

1, no better incumbent than his ex-girlfriend.

I didn't find a better self in my present position.

I don't love this man as much as my ex-girlfriend.

This man loves his ex more than his current girlfriend.

5. I haven't found anyone except my ex-girlfriend, and I have been single.

6. Is there any way to solve the problem of wanting to have sex?

7. The ex-girlfriend looks better.

8. The ex-girlfriend became rich.

9. My girlfriend has become excellent.

10, the man became frustrated, broke and broke.

1 1, looking for a booty call. I'm depressed and want to talk to my ex-girlfriend.

12, become awesome and show off to your ex-girlfriend.

13, people are sentimental and want to find an ex-girlfriend to confess.

I don't know how you will feel after reading it. If you are still in a state of complaining and lack of energy all day after breaking up, you will be more convinced that he chose to break up.

It is not excluded to force your ex to get back together with you in some extreme ways, but you should understand that if this combination is not handled well in the later stage, it will still break up again, which needs everyone's attention.

If you are still confused about your breakup or problems in a relationship, I'll introduce you to another method called "performance evaluation". Through it, you can know which aspects of your relationship are good and which aspects are not good, so as to further clarify the reasons for breaking up and get back together with your ex more smoothly.

The concept of "relationship check" comes from the workplace context, and we are all used to receiving performance evaluation in stages at work. In fact, couples should also provide regular performance evaluation and inspection for intimate relationships.

It's like giving your relationship a pause, and then * * * watching what happens in the relationship together (Bernstein, 20 15). The two can establish the goal of improving their relationship together in time before things become ingrained and unsolvable.

How to evaluate and check intimate relationship?

Psychologically, however, the basic dimensions that can be tested in a relationship include the following eight aspects:

Communication: can communicate effectively and comfortably; Feel listened to, respected, trusted, dependent, etc. When communicating;

Argument: can express different opinions fairly, without personal attacks and old scores; Still feel loved when quarreling; Can safely express emotions, apologize, tolerate each other, and so on;

Values: the values of both sides are similar; Or different values, you can seek common ground while reserving differences, accept each other as they are, and so on;

Sex: Satisfied with the quality and frequency of sex; In which you can safely express your needs; Understand each other's preferences; Can tell each other whether they are enjoying/uncomfortable; Don't worry about each other's derailment; You can tell each other without feeling guilty when you lack sexual desire, and so on;

Life goal: mutual support in career; Support the relatives and friendship links of the other half; The future vision of both parties can be compatible; Understand each other's expectations for the future, wait patiently when the other party is confused and uncertain, and so on;

Economy: can reach an understanding of how to spend money and save money; Consider and discuss long-term expenditure, and discuss how to budget in difficult economic times; If the economic strength gap between you is wide, it will not make your power in the relationship obviously unequal;

Fun: We can feel fun together and laugh together. Have a double date; Will do small things that make the other person care; The other half is also your best friend, and so on;

Parenting (if any): can reach an understanding of parenting methods, can consider each other's opinions, and both parties can bear the responsibility of raising children; Besides children, there can be other topics; Relationships can be as close as they were before the baby was born, and so on.

It is worth noting that when you find problems in your relationship through comparison, what you have to do is to make a fair judgment, go back to those moments when the problems are exposed, and discuss the possible reasons in depth, so as to formulate a series of planned and solvable solutions.

Finally, what should I do to get back together?

Step 1: Consider whether the value is worth preserving.

(It is worth noting that not every relationship deserves reconciliation, and it cannot be generalized. If you still want to get back together, the following suggestions hope to help you. )

1, his influence on your life in the process of communication. You can feel whether your life, career and hobbies have become more active or negative in the process of your communication.

2, comb each other's advantages and disadvantages. If he is very warm, careful and considerate to you, and holds you in his palm in short, but finally breaks up because of a quarrel and negligence, how can he be said to be rational?

Can you foresee the future? When you face a person who doesn't know how to make progress, doesn't know how to make progress, and sits in front of the computer all day playing games; Or when you don't do business every day, but you attract the other half all the time, you should foresee what your future will be like. Can you imagine that this life is what you want in the future?

4. Is it true love or reluctance? It is necessary to distinguish whether it is because of habit. When you miss each other all the time, there is no doubt that this relationship is loving. Maybe the other person will be busy at work, but you can still receive warm greetings from the other person.

Step 2: Avoid saving traps:

Struggler

This is a recovery method that many people will take after breaking up, and they will always pester each other. Performance includes: constantly calling, sending messages, and even going to the other party's unit or home to make trouble. The result of this is often that the other party is more disgusted with you, or very repulsive to you, and it is very likely that all your contact information will be deleted.

2. Long-term cold treatment

At the beginning, maybe ta just broke up in a fit of pique, with the purpose of letting you keep ta, and you, because of your face, refused to take the initiative to bow your head and didn't stay. You think ta will come back voluntarily when she is angry. That's it. You are in the cold war.

3. Keep talking empty words

After breaking up, what the other party wants to see is that you have really changed, not your empty promise. Only if you really make a change can you make it back, which will be really effective.

4. find many friends to persuade

This is also the wrong recovery method that many people will take after breaking up. Breaking up is a private matter, and many people still think that the less people know, the better. Of course, if you have like-minded friends, you can also ask this friend to mediate for you, but you must enlarge the problem and let many friends participate. On the contrary, it will put a lot of pressure on the other side, cause t a to dislike you, and cut off the possibility of your reunion.

Step 5 get sympathy from self-abuse

Many people can't accept this fact for a while after breaking up. They abuse themselves to gain each other's sympathy, don't eat well, don't work well, live a messy life, try to make the other side sympathize with you when they see you, and then propose to get back together with you.

This is a wrong idea. Now that ta has decided to break up with you, it is not something you can easily recover. Even if ta reciprocates with sympathy, comforts you, and compensates you, ta will certainly remain silent about the reunion. Like you, ta can't see the future. How can ta feel at ease in the future with you?

6, after breaking up, eager to recover.

Many people make up for it immediately after breaking up. Of course, there should be real breakups and fake breakups. If it is a fake breakup, it is natural to save it immediately. But if it is a real breakup, please refer to the first point of the error recovery method for the effect of doing so.

7. If you are good to ta, ta will promise to get back together.

Many people will reflect after breaking up, but they just attribute the problem to my poor performance. Then, when you save it, you are desperately good to each other.

8, indecisive, blind action

Many people have a bad mentality and are not firm enough when recovering. I wanted to save it at first, but after being treated coldly by the other party, I was very hurt and immediately didn't want to save it. After a few days, my mind calmed down a little, and I wanted to save it again. Such hesitation is not conducive to recovery. Before you decide to recover, you must do a good job in psychological construction.

9, dare not ask for help, feel free to ask for help.

Many people, when they are lovelorn, choose to bear it alone because they are afraid of losing face, thinking that they can solve the problem. They casually search some ways to save it on the Internet, adopt it directly without considering the actual situation, or adopt some unprofessional suggestions from people around them. Acting rashly may make your road to recovery more and more difficult.

Step 3: Learn the correct recovery method.

First, eliminate negative cognition:

The focus of negative cognition lies in a negative point, which is unacceptable to the other party. Then you must find another positive point in your relationship to balance this negative point. That is, the reasonable advantages and disadvantages of letting the other party go first.

Communication elimination:

1 communicate emotions, 2 communicate empathy and understanding, 3 communicate skills, 4 communicate goals, and 5 communicate logic.

A, communication-rationalization mistakes: You need to tell each other "You only see my bad side, why can't you see my good side, such as x x x". Can't you accept others' good and tolerate any bad places?

B, communication-self-description: When you just broke up with him or just started to recover, you will feel that the road to him has frozen, and you need some means to get close to him. At this time you need to break the ice and describe yourself.

C, communication-oriented thinking: contradiction and estrangement are the only way for marriage and love. If you apologize, admit your mistake and promise to repent when you encounter obstacles, then your partner will definitely find fault with you all the time. He has no opportunity and space for self-reflection, self-rationalization and self-knowledge.

D, communication-provide emotional value: everyone has their own concern. For example, some injuries caused by being born into a family when I was a child will be buried in my heart when I grow up. When you can provide him with this emotional value, his opinion of you may change.

Freud said: "People's traumatic experience, especially childhood traumatic experience, will have an important impact on people's life. Tragic childhood experience, no matter how successful and happy you are when you grow up, there will be a hole in your heart, full of doubt, dissatisfaction and insecurity ... No matter whether you treat physical or mental diseases, you should consider what happened in your childhood. Diseases that occur in childhood are the most serious and difficult to cure.

Action elimination:

I. Side suggestions

Psychological suggestion is a powerful psychological adjustment skill, which can change people's life attitude and psychological expectation in a short time and increase people's psychological endurance. In order to escape the pain, people will unconsciously use various suggestive methods. For example, when difficulties come, people will comfort each other: "It's almost over, it's almost over." Thereby reducing the pain of patience.

Example: Get on well with his good friend and ask him to help you solve the changes you inadvertently mentioned in your daily life: for example, by the way, I saw your predecessor send a circle of friends to participate in community public welfare activities the other day, but I didn't expect her to have such a side. All I know is that she likes chicken.

Don't underestimate such a simple behavior. Man is an animal that accepts hints easily. If you insist, I believe it will change gradually. If you want to get rid of his negative cognition of you better, you can often give him some encouraging words, symbols and actions.

There are many actions to eliminate negative cognition, so I won't give examples first. If you still don't understand my friends, many people will watch it. I will update it later.

Second, restore contact information.

Excuse contact information. Generally, the telephone is rarely hacked, so we might as well use it as a small weapon. We should also pay attention to skills and not blindly mess around, otherwise it will only get worse.

When using the excuse contact method, it is best to find an excuse that the other party can't refuse. For example, if you are a student, you can use some study excuses: for example, my computer broke down and I bought another one, but I couldn't install the system several times. Can you help me? At this time, the ex may hesitate and tell you what to do by phone. You can say that you are stupid and afraid of remembering, and add WeChat.

Guilt method. After breaking up, your ex will feel more or less guilty about you. As long as you can use it skillfully, it is not difficult to add back to WeChat. When you are ill in hospital, you can call each other and say, can you lend me some money? Because the salary has not been paid this month, I have something in the hospital now. I don't want to worry my family. I will pay you back soon.

Gift method. We can also buy things online, so we deliberately fill in the wrong address online and take the opportunity to add back to WeChat. When you are in love, the gift you send home can be a whole day of happiness, but what you send to the other person's home after breaking up will make him laugh and cry.

Note: If the contradiction of breaking up is not particularly serious, the above three common methods are enough to help you restore contact information. If you have used all the above methods, you can try to use: Heart Anchor+Action conference planning to restore your contact information. This process takes a little time to lay out the proposal, and it takes 1 to 2 weeks.

Step 3: Emotional Value+New Identity

Provide emotional value:

What is emotional value?

PUA believes that "emotional value" is the ability to control others' emotions, which is often used as an emotional manipulation skill between the two sexes, actually narrowing the role of emotional value. Emotional value is actually the core part of the intimate relationship between men and women, representing a person's emotional ability and emotional expression. Dr Harry Croft, director of psychology at HealthyPlace, explained three themes of emotional value.

The first theme is the openness of emotional value. Many couples often use "girlfriends" to describe their relationship. Their lives with their close partners are open, and they don't keep secrets. You can reveal and pour out some buried words to your partner.

The second theme, the understanding of emotional value, is that partners with high emotional value will actively maintain the boundaries of intimate partners. They have understood each other's inner thoughts and feelings, and they also know that keeping a safe distance from each other in attachment is a kind of respect and trust. Understanding the interpersonal boundaries in these relationships will continuously maintain the intimate relationship between two people.

The third theme, the uniqueness of emotional value, all lovers get along differently, and the interaction of love is always one-on-one. Creating intimate comfort can't be static. The uniqueness of emotional value is a feeling that belongs to you. When discussing private affairs, whether it is to pour out troubles or to comfort and ridicule, there is a unique feeling.

How to provide emotional value (brief introduction 2);

Example: increase the vividness of the story

For example, replace "haha" with "hahaha" or "hahaha+"

Replace "I haven't seen it" with "I haven't seen it, but it sounds great" (appropriate occasion)

Replace "you are so handsome" with "you are so fucking handsome!" Or "Are you Daniel Wu himself?"

For example, "My wife and I are walking down the street" and "My long-haired wife and I are walking hand in hand on the streets of Washington", although there are many words, we still have a very unconscious sense of substitution for the latter, so we should make up for it appropriately. The latter is more intuitive and makes us feel more real. So you can also appropriately increase the details of the story or scene you want to tell.

Example: Chat to express your emotions, feelings and thoughts.

For example, when chatting with a girl, the other person said, Come, help me look at these two clothes, which one looks good?

Most straight men will reply like this: I think both of them look good. Generally speaking boys will reply like this: you look good in either one. If you can use emotional methods, you can reply like this: OK, I'll take a look at it for you. The green one will give me a little freshness, but I suggest choosing the red one. Wearing red will give me a feeling of heartache. (Feeling,)

How to build a new design:

Many people on the internet think that building a new person means sending some high-value friends, and the other party will see their changes and have different feelings, but what I want to ask is, what is the final result?

The concrete construction of a new person can be summarized as: identify (you can build such a person's design if he likes similar people. For example, the other party likes a small and fresh style, and you live yourself into a mature and steady person's design. No matter how high the value is, the other party is not interested, just a glimpse. Don't complain that he has changed and why the other party still doesn't want to get back together. )

Fourth, enlarge the attraction.

Physical attraction (sexual attraction): Physical attraction is a very important attraction in intimate relationships. From the perspective of social cognition, beautiful appearance is really easier to attract others' attention.

Trait attraction (idealized object). This attraction, in layman's terms, is what we call the talent part. Why are Rukawa Kaede and Hanamichi Sakuragi, both handsome and bubbly, so different in Akagi Haruko's eyes? Obviously, this is because of Rukawa Kaede's natural and unrestrained temperament, while Sakuragi is more of a neurotic juvenile delinquent. In love, everyone has a unique love for a certain trait of the other half.

Get along with attraction (functional attraction). The first two kinds of attraction often belong to the conscious and subconscious parts, and this last attraction is one that mostly exists in the subconscious. In other words, you will be attracted to it, but you can't always say why. This attraction comes from our perception, and others may be attracted by our functions in getting along.

Fifth, analyze each other's psychological weaknesses and improve their own shortcomings.

What you need to prepare is a pen, a piece of paper, and a cool brain, so get ready.

What is TA's personality?

What are the shortcomings of TA's personality?

What are the needs of TA? Which part of the demand is more important?

He hates your five points.

There are five things he appreciates most about you.

His five favorite things to do.

Sixth, implant the heart anchor.

What is a heart anchor?

Anchor is a form of conditioned reflex, which means "an emotional state triggered by visual, olfactory, auditory and sensory stimuli". We have been creating heart anchors, but we don't know some of them. Perfume and familiar music, we didn't mean to implant an anchor in ourselves at first, but this process was carried out unconsciously. Once the anchor is set successfully, it will return to its original state as long as it touches the stimulus in the future.

Seeing this, you should have some basic understanding of heart anchor, but you certainly don't know how to use it in recovery. The above example is to help you better understand the meaning of heart anchor. Let's get to know the heart anchor from an emotional point of view.

● Spiritual Anchoring in Intimate Relationships

There are three main heart anchors in intimate relationships:

Action anchor

Emotional anchor

Anticipated heart anchor

The emotional anchor we often mention when teaching you love skills. Its function is to substitute the other person into a certain feeling that you want TA to feel once triggered.

Expectation anchor is more used in communication, so that the other party can associate some expectation with you, so as to facilitate you to achieve some purpose. For example: for example: I will pass by your company next week and have something to return to you. Giving each other an expectation of meeting in this way of exchanging things is usually not rejected.

Action anchor is simply to implant something that is helpful for recovery, but this thing will not be resisted by the other party, but will be forced to accept naturally by the other party, usually used with expectation anchor.

For example:

One of my former students chatted with her predecessor: I asked her to send: Who, who, who, what was the name of the store where you bought that backpack before? Because I want to buy a bag recently, please reply to me when you are not busy, which is rather troublesome (because I knew before that they all agreed that the bag in this store and this style are good, and I also asked her to have an operation on the bag in a circle of friends, so this excuse is naturally used for contact. )

The other party's reply: the store link, another sentence: welcome (the other party's feedback is still within the expected range, and it will not be impolite to say no to reply). I didn't ask her to reply immediately, I will ask her to return at night; Thank you. I'll check it out later. I'll take a shower first. End the topic voluntarily. Many people will wonder why they stopped talking so soon, and now the relationship can't be improved, because the other person still has no feelings for you unless he enters a happy state. How to move from rejection-indifference-to pleasure? There are many things involved in this, so I won't explain them one by one, because today we mainly talk about reunion. )

In addition, according to their situation, I designed a heart-shaped anchor for her: I bought this bag the next day, then pretended that the address was the default and filled in his phone number and address. (Because I didn't know that I often sent things to the other party before, I designed this anchor for him to see if the other party would take the initiative to contact, and then started a little chat. Someone rationalized the last contact. )

Step 7: Collect indicators of distressed feelings and old feelings.

Bad indicators:

If you have insomnia, send a circle of friends, and he will leave a message to appease you+1.

One night, you sent a message to a circle of friends with a bag bitten by mosquitoes, and he left a message+1.

In your circle of friends with bruised hands and feet, he left a message+1.

You send a circle of friends who spit after eating something wrong, and he cares about the message or asks you+1.

You send: He didn't eat for XX days, and he cares about leaving a message+1.

You sent: I quarreled with my boss today, and his concerned message+1.

Old love index:

You posted the store you visited all day in the circle of friends, with the caption: It smells lonely. Does he like it or leave a message+1?

Buy the fruit you have eaten all day and then send it to a circle of friends. With the text: Peel yourself and have plenty of food and clothing. If he likes it, leave a message+1.

You posted the places where you often date in your circle of friends, with the text: It feels very different to walk this road alone. He likes or leaves a message+1.

Your circle of friends sent you a gift from him, with the text: the old things are still working, he likes it or leaves a message+1.

Your friend circled his favorite food and wrote an essay: Someone once loved it, and now I have eaten all his praises or messages+1. When you can collect these two indicators, you can try to invite a meeting.

Eighth, action conference planning.

1. There are two kinds of mentality that should not appear in front of you:

Is to prove yourself deliberately. However, many people have managed to find their original state by remolding their attraction, but when they meet their predecessors, they inadvertently reveal a sense of pride: you must regret how good I have become since you left me.

You can't wait to prove your feelings to each other. Many people can't control their emotions instantly when they hear from their predecessors that you have changed so much now, crying that these changes are all for you. If you come back, I have done a lot for you.

2. Meeting place and invitation method

If the meeting place and invitation method are resisted by the other party, then the meeting may not be very effective. A meeting full of complaints from the beginning is bound to experience some ups and downs. For example, some bosses have arranged the meeting place 108 thousand miles away, and it is a great honor for you to make the other party willing to come out.

3. Dress when meeting.

Don't say that external clothes are not important. Imagine that when you are together, the other person goes out on a date with you. If you wear slippers and shorts, the other person will not give you a good face all day. I can't wait to tell you that I'm not feeling well after dinner. After all, people are ashamed of their skin, and few people can care about other people's opinions.

Step 4 make a good impression after meeting

After meeting, most people will not make something properly to further deepen their impression of you after meeting. For example, they buy some favorite little things in advance and put them in the back seat of the car. When we sent them back, it was right. I planted several sets of cosmetics in the supermarket lottery before, and a big man didn't need it. Do me a favor and clean up the space.

In the end, you couldn't get it back. You don't have to be too sad. After all, you were once in love. There was a period of self-growth. Whatever the outcome, at least you tried. Maybe meet him when you are old. You can't even talk about what is wrong, and you don't remember what he was like. Why talk about right and wrong?