Funny jokes and quotations

1. "Man, you must keep your face dry. Don't sweat all day in summer. Only by staying dry can the success rate of doing things be improved. I am such a person who pays great attention to facial dryness. " Policeman: "Is that why you lifted the girl's skirt to wipe the sweat?"

I was eating steamed bread when I suddenly dropped one on the ground. I quickly picked it up and stuffed it in my mouth. Roommate asked, "Isn't it dirty?" I proudly said, "people who can't read don't know, do they?" Studies have shown that food can be eaten within five seconds after landing. " My roommate gave me a look, scolded me and walked out of the toilet.

No matter how ugly the iphone he gave you, how ugly the color of the Ferrari he gave you, and how noisy the location of the house he gave you, he would accept it without saying anything. I like that a person will like everything about him, like his concentration in driving a sports car, and like the gentleman who brought you a diamond necklace. Even when I give you money, I feel cute if I play a few more games carelessly, which is what life needs.

I have a local tyrant friend who goes to school in Korea.

One day, I asked him, "Is Korean cosmetic culture very serious?" He said: "Actually, it's nothing, but I need to introduce myself at the beginning of each semester."

I think my room may be haunted. Whenever I sit at my desk and get ready to start reading seriously, I soon find myself lying in bed watching my mobile phone!

6. Go ahead and turn on the air conditioner for me! Go and sell ice cream! Half an hour later, C: The ice cream was sold out! Go ahead and help me turn down the air conditioner! Go and sell instant noodles. ...

7. In the morning, before I woke up, my girlfriend was busy in the kitchen. The smells of apples, eggs, chicken soup, milk, pancakes and all kinds of delicious food came to my face, and my heart felt a sense of happiness. When I woke up and walked into the kitchen, my girlfriend had eaten all these, and no one was left! Leave a note for me to brush the pot and dishes!

8. My boyfriend often plays games and ignores me. Today, I bought a wireless mouse and sneaked it into the back of my computer. I occasionally move when he is playing at night. Later, he smashed the computer.

9. When I was a child, I went to someone's house with a group of friends to steal cucumbers. They all ran away after stealing, and I was still eating on the ground. Later, I was caught. People ask me why I stole cucumbers. When I say that the cucumber pedicle is still on the seedling, you will think that it was eaten by a pig.

10. When the son started to poop, he said to his mother, "Mom, I want to poop. Where is it? " Mother said to pull it next to the duck, and soon the son came back crying and said, "Mom, the duck keeps running."

1 1. We usually have a lot of pressure in life. We surf the Internet just to relax and don't want the internet to bring us any tension. Therefore, I beg those students who are unfamiliar at school and haven't contacted for several years, don't suddenly pop up a sentence "Are you there" on QQ!

12. Walking in the street, I fainted with excitement when I saw a stack of hundred-dollar bills on the ground. When I woke up, I saw that the money was still there, and I fainted with excitement.

13. I have a junior high school classmate (female) dressed like a man. After the senior high school entrance examination, she went to another school to repeat her studies. A month later, a sister paper confessed to her. As a result, she picked up the hand of the sister paper and stuffed it into the coat without saying anything, and then the sister paper cried.

14. The reporter asked the pupils, "What would you do if you had endless money?" The student replied, "I want to buy my school." The reporter asked curiously, "Why do you want to buy your school?" The student calmly replied, "I want to give those teachers homework!" " "

15. One day I passed a primary school and saw two broken children fighting. Visually, in the second and third grades, it was a fierce struggle. You scratch your hair, I pull my ears and roll on the ground together. Suddenly, one of the little fat people took off his pants and showed his ass. A female classmate next to her smiled. Xiao Pang was embarrassed and gave up at once. Just like answering the teacher's question, he raised his hand and reported to the thin man holding his hair: "Please take a vacation! I dropped my pants! " You think this is GC? The thin man really let go, looked at Xiaopang's face, wiped his nose, raised his pants and asked, "Are you ready?" Xiao Pang nodded and they went together again. The world of primary school students really doesn't understand, and you can take time off in the middle of a fight …

16. My friend raised a Tibetan mastiff named Dundun, which was tied to the gatehouse with a thick chain. I once fed it meat, but I threw it too far for the dog to eat, so I ran as fast as I could. Suddenly, I broke the chain and ran to the front. I think something is wrong. I thought I couldn't run that far, but I went back to my original place and squatted there looking at me. I suddenly became stupid.

17. I bought a hair band online today, took a fancy to one, and clicked on the comments. A comment poked me in the eye, which read: "The hair band is super beautiful, and my husband and I are fighting for it." A bad couple ...

18. Every time I watch a boxing match with my daughter-in-law, I always see a well-dressed girl walking around holding a card at the end of a round. She always asks, "Husband, you say this woman is so beautiful and wears so little. Will these two people get hard after reading it? " I was so absorbed in the game that I didn't bother to answer her, but she would ask me at the end of each round. I finally couldn't help shouting, saying, "It's so hard to be hurt like that ..."

19. A family boy, a few years old, was naughty when he was a child and was beaten by his father. A few days later, the father found a small notebook under his son's bed, which read: "On, my father hit me, and I want revenge when I grow up." As a result, I was beaten by my father at night ...

20. Walking on the road, I saw a couple quarreling. Suddenly, the boy squatted on the ground and carefully tied the girl's shoelaces. I went up to him and asked him, "Why did you put down your dignity and tie her shoelaces?" He smiled and said, "If I choose her like this, I have to take care of her." I finally understand that it is not easy for a girl to find her shoelaces open because her breasts are too big.

2 1. I found that my wallet had never been filled with money. Who can be poorer than me? Reply 1: "I have been in the toilet for three days after my period." Reply 2: "I went to tell my fortune that morning. When the fortune teller saw me, he said that the stall was closed." Reply 3: "I was in a hurry to pee. I went to the public toilet and found that the small sign at the door said I had to pee twenty cents. I was suffocated alive." Reply 4: "When I have money, I must use paper to go to the toilet."

22. I saw a fortune-teller sister in the street today, saying that she was born in. The owner means that she is a pig, Fang Ling! Sister said you were too accurate, and then took out 100 yuan to continue asking about your future life! I was in a mess in an instant. ...

23. If you say that a female college student goes to a nightclub to accompany the wine at night, it doesn't sound good, but if you say that she insists on going to college during the day, she will be full of positive energy, so the order of speaking is particularly important.

24. Yesterday, I went to the bathhouse to take a bath. Just after I went in, a woman looked at the mushroom cold top, let out a cry, covered her chest and glanced at the mushroom cold bottom. Oh, let go of her breasts and took a shower. ...

25. "Comrade police, bad! My new car is probably Transformers! I just stopped my car and didn't go far. As soon as I turned around, I found that my car ran by itself and it was deformed when it ran! " "Remember to pull the hand brake when parking on the ramp. Cars are forced to hit this."

26. The coffee shop has recruited a new waiter. When introducing himself, he said that his childhood dream was to be a waiter. Later, the newcomer resigned after working all morning! Ask the newcomer: Isn't your dream to be a waiter? The newcomer replied: Yes! She asked again: Then why did you resign? Newcomer: Because the dream has come true!