Gender Emotion: Why is the relationship between husband and wife that never quarrels the most terrible?

As far as marriage scripts are concerned, there is no absolutely correct and standard model in the world.

One day, two people, three meals and four seasons, realize the ideal blueprint of marriage life.

But can two people who have no intersection in this world really be indifferent to each other forever in the face of daily necessities?

Answer: Wrong.

In the TV series Golden Marriage, a beautiful young math teacher Wen Li and a young model technician from a heavy machinery factory Tong Zhi got married at 1956. Wen Li, who was pampered when she was young, and Tong Zhi, who was not fixed in space, were incompatible from personality to living habits. Their marriage life is full of contradictions, or trivial matters such as food, clothing, housing and transportation, or the relationship between their children and their mother-in-law, or even sexual relations.

But even so, in their later years, when Wen Li was seriously ill, their daughter's emotional marriage was not smooth, and their only son died young, they still cared for and supported each other, and entered an emotional period and an enviable "golden marriage".

"Golden Marriage" well explains the true meaning of marriage. A happy marriage does not always respect each other. Most marriages are sublimated in quarrels. Their quarrel did not break up the feelings between husband and wife, but let two people know each other better and walk into each other better.

In the movie "Don't Ask the West", every time Liu Shufen quarreled, it was like hitting a ball of cotton. Xu Bochang always responded to Liu Shufen's dissatisfaction with "cold violence". Xu Bochang's indifference and unresponsiveness made Liu Shufen completely collapse again and again.

This indifference of lover often makes Liu Shufen feel unworthy of being loved. Liu Shufen once said, "You make me feel that I am a particularly bad person." "Your attitude towards me hit my heart."

In marriage, cold violence is undoubtedly the deepest injury, which directly pokes the victim's heart, making it difficult for her to be in two places at once, so later Liu Shufen stepped into a blind alley and ended her life. Perhaps for her, staying away from the suffering in this marriage is the best medicine for her redemption.

Husband and wife should be the closest lovers, but the cold war and silence will make them strangers. Those who say nothing about quarreling are the executioners in marriage.

And those who want to quarrel often want to find a solution to the problem in the quarrel, while those who refuse to quarrel not only don't want to quarrel, but may be more unloving, indifferent or unwilling to solve the problem.

Quarrel is an ability and a psychological need.

There is a principle of "90 sum 10" in psychology:

This means that when a partner quarrels, 90% is an emotion, and 10% is a problem.

What we can do is to confront the brain, control our emotions and solve problems. The purpose of quarreling is only to solve problems, not to vent their emotions.

The essence of quarrel is conflict.

In intimate relationships, in the stage of interdependence, when one party's needs need to be met by the other party, and the other half can't realize that they can't meet your needs, contradictions arise.

Quarrel is never a scourge, because it can often sublimate and further deepen the feelings between husband and wife.

A stupid person refuses to quarrel with his lover, but a wise person will temper his sincerity in the anger of quarreling.

There are no couples who don't quarrel, only couples who don't quarrel.

Marriage is not afraid of excitement, but of silence.

We can't guarantee that every couple will not quarrel, but we can learn to quarrel. Couples who learn to quarrel often have a stronger marriage and are more likely to get happiness.

A happy marriage is a constant quarrel and reconciliation, which can withstand the dullness and triviality of life.

In the process of quarreling, it is the attitude that a mature and rational adult should have to constantly run in, make progress with each other and find a suitable mode of getting along.

Quarrel is fireworks, communication and technology, so how to quarrel correctly?

1, control emotions

Although quarreling is an outlet to vent dissatisfaction, the rising negative emotions are anger and a sharp knife to intensify contradictions. In the process of quarreling, we should learn to control our emotions properly and avoid speaking rashly and saying things that hurt each other.

2. Put down your posture and listen carefully.

In the process of quarreling, we should not only vent, but also calm down at an appropriate time, listen to each other carefully, avoid our subjective opinions, and listen to each other's ideas more, so as to get to know each other better.

3. Be honest and talk about the matter.

Since quarrels are all about solving problems, we should choose to trust each other, speak freely and chat openly with each other.

And we must solve the problem realistically, not from A to B, so the quarrel will be endless.

Everyone is an independent individual, and differences and disputes are inevitable.

The difference is that some will turn quarrels into emotional catalysts, and find a tacit understanding between them in the running-in, while others will stab their lover's heart like a blunt knife and pull it back and forth. The one who loves deeply hurts the most.

You should know that the ultimate goal of quarreling is that two people want to know each other, not to quarrel for each other's feelings and stop loving each other.

Author: Miss Xiaoxian

National second-level psychological counselor, Tarot soothsayer, planetary energy healer, freelance writer and trainer.

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