Those things about parents and kindergartens

Before September 1, I really understood conceptually: my baby is going to kindergarten. I don't know if he will adapt. I'm a little worried, but I don't think so. Now I am personally approaching the big queue to send my children, and I saw the tragic picture of separation and crying in those days. I have to say, how to send children is not a physical activity, but a crisis, a lot of conditions and grief. Face the child's crying in a gentle state like water, and face the child's retreat with an unshakable attitude; Exhausting all existing conditions and creating unlimited possibilities to guide; This requires a courageous, resourceful, intelligent and thoughtful mother or father to complete it; In the final analysis, one word: love;

I am not a perfect mother, but I am learning to treat my children with love every day;

Now let's talk about several types of mothers who have different situations when their children first go to kindergarten;

The first kind of mother: my baby, attracted by curiosity on the first day, played for a day without knowing it, and found that he had to be separated from his mother for so long, but he couldn't find his mother, and then he was sent to kindergarten the next day. I'm not sure if I will go, crying and clamoring to go home. I said only one word: go home; At that moment, there were only two choices, forcibly giving it to the teacher or taking him home; Well, I want to say that I can't do either; Forced to give it to the teacher, watching the child cry miserably, my heart hurts. Taking him home is not a long-term solution, which may affect the plans of the whole school in the future; Then I was shocked by this incident, until the teacher had taken the child away, and I was heartbroken and returned home at a loss; All kinds of blame and guilt seem to have experienced a journey where you will go; After being shocked by this kind of pain, it inspired my powerful maternal love; I want to turn the whole situation around; Or wait for the next day to continue to face this tragedy until parents and children are forced to get used to it;

In other words, if we don't change this situation of separation of crying and sadness, let it develop and bring influence to both sides;

For the children: I live and die every day, and my mother can't protect me. I will be forced to leave my mother and go to a place I don't want to go; I'm lonely and scared, but I don't know what to do. I can only hold on to my mother who is leaving, and I can only cry if I can't hold on; Waiting alone for a long time to pass, again and again, until despair, forced to accept; In this process, children will certainly get an unpleasant process and a definition of fear of separation; When such children grow up, they may be very afraid of separation, independence, inability to resist, silently accept and cry alone;

For mothers: guilt, self-blame, angina pectoris, and secretly wiping tears while not working, always worrying about children; Always want to know everything about the child, and imagine the child as a poor baby that no one loves and no one loves; I still have to face my selfishness and cruelty, because I will continue to send it tomorrow; Wow, I think: mom's heart must be terrible; The state of such mothers can be imagined. They must want all kinds of compensation and love when they pick up their children from school. Coupled with poor eyes, ask your child everything at school; This kind of mother's influence on children is to aggravate children's fear of separation, and to be more sure that mother abandoned me, otherwise why would mother feel so guilty? Of course, it is also possible to leave various sequelae; For example, try not to leave your child next time, such as meeting more unreasonable demands of your child, such as educating your child that separation is a kind of harm;

Generally speaking, the mother's emotional pain is not caused by the separation of her children, but the fear and pain of separation stored in her heart, which is stimulated by the separation of her children in front of her eyes, leading to unbearable pain; Mothers need to face not only the current events about the separation of their children, but also the feelings of fear and pain that have always existed in their hearts.

The second kind of mother: facing the separation scene of the child crying, the surface is tough and the heart is strong; You may say to boys: You are a man, be brave, don't cry; For girls, they may say: Look, other children don't cry, only you cry, you have to be brave, and so on, and then hand it over to the teacher with the crying baby; Turn around and go; In the face of the picture of a child crying miserably, as long as it is a mother, it will feel distressed, but at the same time, it is necessary to pretend as if nothing has happened. This kind of mother's efforts to hide her emotions are so strong that she may not even know if she still has pain.

For children: this situation is like being sentenced to death every day; In the face of her mother's ruthlessness, she can only endure and accept it all; Or try to resist, the more you cry, the worse you get, and endlessly toss it to the end; Or form his uncompromising and non-negotiable dictatorial character; After a long time, you may gradually learn to disguise your negative feelings, and at the same time, your positive feelings will be hidden together and become a rational monster who doesn't talk about feelings but only rules and has no soul;

If a person's heart is closed, then his life is exhausted; Living is just a body, a machine;

For my mother: I will constantly comfort myself unconsciously. Under the seemingly tough appearance, there is a wounded and fragile heart protected by a strong appearance; At the same time, I hope that children will become stronger quickly and don't let them show bad side. They can't stand crying the most. When they see weak behavior, they will be impatient, accused and disdainful. In addition to camouflage, the influence on children is strong, until one day they fall, can't hold on, and they all lose;

A wounded and fragile heart needs to take off its disguised shell, wake it up with love and become strong physically and mentally;

The second kind of mother has an upgraded version: not only tough, but also strong, in the face of children's crying, tough attitude plus cruel means, all kinds of scolding, all kinds of hands, pursuit: crying, scolding, crying again, beating; Until the child is unable to resist; Generally, slaves are trained in this way, which brings not only psychological torture but also physical pain to children. This kind of mother is extremely cold in his heart. It's not that he wants to do this, but that he can only do this. There is a kind of trauma behind every behavior. It seems that this kind of mother is cruel, but it is possible that he has been hurt more cruelly, so he has no choice but to face the people around him in a cruel way.

For children: in addition to following the mother's model, it is possible to intensify and grow into a terrorist who hates the whole world, and may be confused; However, returning to neutral love takes a long way;

The third kind of mother: the child doesn't cry or make trouble at school, and the mother can't stand it. Even if the child can go to school quietly, the mother begins to worry about whether the child is too obedient and sensible. Maybe the child can really adapt to school and leave his mother for a while. Maybe the child is pretending to be a good child, but in either case, the mother's worry of gilding the lily will only make it harder for the child to understand and accept the separation. Well, this kind of mother, I want to say hard, really, what should you do? Keep company when you are together, and be happy when you are apart. In fact, such a mother needs the care of her children more than taking care of them;

For children: if they are smart and sensible to their mothers, then maybe this child is used to the care of adults and is recognized in this way; For his heart, only by doing what adults say can he get love, lose himself and desperately seek the approval of the outside world to act. When he was a child, he asked his parents for authority and leadership when he grew up. The heart will be very tired, because there will never be a satisfactory day;

If a person wants to be recognized by others, he will feel that he is not good enough until the day he dies; This is a very sad thing, just like I have never lived for myself in my life; Well, be realistic: this is the normal state of our lives. Most people in our society are living for others! I have already lost myself;

For the mother: whether the child is calm or not, he is not calm, worried, thinking too much, absent-minded, and all kinds of bad guesses. This is my estimate of schizophrenia. I hope my children behave well, and I hope her children don't behave too well, otherwise my mother will be useless; In short, neither left nor right; Generally, even the mother herself does not know what she wants;

The fourth kind of mother: wow, congratulations, the child accepts the separation calmly, and the mother faces the separation calmly. For them, only one thing happened, which has nothing to do with pain;

These are my personal observations and summaries. I can't generalize. There must be mothers who don't belong to these categories. Just watch.

After sending the children, let's talk about picking up the children for the first time;

It is no exaggeration to say that there are three major events in life: getting married, having children, and picking up children from school for the first time;

Exaggerated description: On the first day of picking up the children, I was uneasy, at a loss, extremely excited and extremely happy. In short, I am in pain and happy, and my heart is racing;

Parents who may not be involved in their children's schooling will not feel this feeling;

As for me, I am the first kind of mother. I don't want to face this tragedy defenseless, so I was shocked by this pain and inspired my powerful maternal love; I want to turn the whole situation around; How did I reverse it?

First, use all the useful resources around you to help clean up the activated wounds; Ask my psychological tutor for help and face the self-cognition of separation events; Seeing why I was so sad, crying and sad, and then repairing myself, I spent a day and a half dealing with my childhood trauma about separation; This process is relatively easy for me, because I have a certain psychological foundation. When I can fully accept this matter without commenting on any definition and trauma of separation, I will start the second step. Of course, the first step is important. If we still bear the pain and definition ourselves and can't lead our children to face separation peacefully, children will accept the emotions that adults have formed themselves and expand them. In other words, the child is fine, but the mother is injured because of separation, which affects the child and feels injured; Once this kind of injury is formed, it will be accompanied by life; Otherwise, why are there injuries caused by the separation of adults? It was formed when I was a child and has been inherited until now. This part of the injury will disappear unless it is completely repaired.

Second: how to guide children to face the school correctly;

First, recognize an unchangeable fact. Going to school is an unchangeable nail. Can only accept, gentle but extremely firm.

The next step is how to help children face this process together;

Let's talk about what I can and can't do now;

I can be very caring, patiently accompany and communicate, and meet some of his small requirements, such as eating what he likes; At the same time, allow him to cry and make trouble;

What I can't do: I can't meet the condition that he doesn't go to school and he wants me to accompany him to school; Now that I know I can't do it, I tell him clearly that I can't do these two things and I can't promise him. On this basis, I can help and support him as much as possible.

I held him in my arms and talked to him gently, asking him why he didn't want to go to school. He couldn't answer, so I set more than a dozen answers for him to choose. I was afraid of facing alone, teachers, classmates, boredom or leaving my mother ... My children were afraid to face it alone, but I think many children are afraid of it, but every mother can guide and understand it slowly.

Next, patiently tell him some regular cognition. For example, whoever breaks this comfortable basket from a familiar environment to a strange environment will hurt. Just as you learn to ride a bike, you will never attend a meeting. This is a process. You have to do different things at different stages. Just as you need to go to school at this stage, you will feel pain in the process. If you get hurt, you may cry and want to avoid going to school and face it. You can wrestle and get hurt when you learn to ride a bike, but can you ride it now? So it's the same when you go to school. At first, you will get used to it, but after a while, the pain will gradually disappear and you will get used to it. ...

In the process of communication, Duobao rationally understood one thing, that is, the school has not changed. But emotionally, he will not accept it for the time being.

I allow him to be angry at my gentle insistence in any state that his feelings have not been accepted and may appear, such as getting up in the morning before going to school: I'm going to throw my mother away. Then I will tell him, first, mom is too heavy, I don't think you can throw it away, and second, even if you throw it away, mom will come back and continue to take you to school. Then he will try his best: then I will close the door. I will also help him understand his escape plan again: I will open the door and I have the key. He continued: I locked it from the inside, but my mother couldn't open it outside. Me: Then I'll find someone who can pick a lock, or a saw like Logger Vick, open the door and continue to take you to school. Then Duobao began to cry and said, I don't want to go to school, so I don't want to go to school. Then I will tell him patiently: mom thinks you are very reluctant to go to school, which is very painful. If you want to cry, your mother can accompany you. If you cry, your mother will take you to school. After crying, he still couldn't accept going to school, but he knew it was something he had to do. So I continued to communicate with him: You know, my mother cried the first time she went to kindergarten. She didn't want to go, but my mother knew it was something my mother had to do, so I went to school after crying. Until later, I met my good friend Xin Wei at school, and then I met my good friend Wen Wen. I began to like school, and I was no longer afraid. Baby, you can do it, too. He began to move to play games. I stayed with him and told him that you had two minutes to play games. When two minutes are up, mom will change your clothes and take you to school. Although I didn't like it very much, I reluctantly accepted it and guided him with his emotions all the way. When I arrived at school, although I couldn't accept it completely at once, I was willing to face the next thing that needed me to go to school alone, and then I calmly said goodbye.

At the same time, I also found every possibility to continue to help him get familiar with this new environment after school; Ask classmates to go downstairs to play together, visit classmates as much as possible, bring him in as far as possible when you see classmates coming to play across the street, tell him the benefits of having classmates to play, and help him find other classmates to play with and introduce himself to each other when he is sent to the classroom in the morning; In a word, I support him on the basis of my ability, and I will not interpret the separation with any hurt feelings;

I know that when I get up tomorrow, he will still cry and say: I don't want to go to kindergarten … I will continue to guide and support him with love until he can face the world alone;

But I know very well that he will not be traumatized by this incident, but will begin to learn how to face his fears independently;

This will be the most useful knowledge I have taught him;

Bless every mother and child to grow up together;