New year's day funny sketch fortune telling

Easy, easy. Don't be so loud.

A: What's the matter?

B: (looking around) I'm afraid of being discovered by acquaintances.

A: Why?

I'm looking for a place to move.

Oh, I'm going to buy a new house. Then I congratulate you.

Never say congratulations.

A: Why?

B: To tell you the truth, I have been congratulated several times recently. I tremble when I congratulate you. I have to move when I tremble.

A: What logic is this?

Do you know someone I want to ask you?

A: Who?

B: the Monkey King.

The Monkey King?

Are you familiar with it?

A: No.

B: Who is familiar with it?

A: I don't know anyone. That is a mythical figure.

Come on, man, someone knows him. I have something to entrust to him.

A: What's this?

B: I want to ask him to go through the back door and move his family to the Dragon Palace in Donghai.

A: Dragon Palace?

B: If the Dragon Palace is tight, Nantianmen will do.

A: Nantianmen?

B: There is really no place, and it's okay to live on the moon. As long as you can help me do this, I will give him 10 thousand yuan as a bonus.

A: What a mess. Are you crazy or something?

B: I thought it was all forced.

Who forced you to do this?

There are too many people.

A: Why?

I can't say.

A: Not yet. I think you are crazy. Who is full and fine, driving you crazy?

Even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

A: Then tell me, let everyone listen and help you with your suggestions and opinions.

Right here?

A: Of course.

B: (looking around, then off the stage) Can you tell me about this place?

How do you feel?

B: I'll see if there are any acquaintances in the audience.

A: Don't worry, the audience are all my acquaintances, not yours. Tell me.

what can I say?

A: Go ahead.

Do you know the lottery?

A: Everyone knows that. I often buy them, too.

Not long ago, I bought one.

A: What kind?

B: traditional sports lottery.

A: Just choose 7 numbers randomly from 0 to 9.

Not bad.

A: The seven numbers are in the right order, which is the grand prize.

B: Yes.

What number did you buy?

B: 13 13766。

A: Just one number?

B: That day was also a coincidence. I only have five dollars. Breakfast is three yuan, and this number is two yuan. Random call.

You won? (voice starts to tremble)

B: That's right.

What award? (trembling)

Excuse me. Grand prize.

A: Five million? (trembling)

B: After paying personal income tax, there is still 4 million.

A: (frantically shaking B's hand) Congratulations.

Don't congratulate me. Keep congratulating me. My hand will bow and die.

You have so much money. How are you going to spend it?

B: My daughter-in-law said, buy a new house, the latest decoration, furniture and appliances, change all the lights, fly, go shopping, and have nothing to do but play mahjong.

I really like it.

B: I'll add that's all. Change brides. -hey.

What's that noise?

My wife slapped me.

A: Yes!

That's a good idea. I stayed up all night. The next morning, before dawn, someone knocked at the door.

A: Who is it?

I'll get the door, Huo! There are hundreds of people standing outside the door. I looked carefully and didn't know anyone.

A: Wrong door.

No, someone spoke.

A: Who is it?

B: (Tianjin dialect) Congratulations, Big Brother.

A: And you are?

B: We are members of the municipal lottery elite research society. I heard you won the lottery. Let us congratulate you.

Congratulations. Let's leave now.

Dude, you're not a friend.

What do you mean, man?

B: We heard that you won the grand prize. You were so happy that you stayed up all night.

A: What are you glad that someone else won the lottery?

We discussed it all night and decided to recommend you as honorary chairman of our association.

A: honorary chairman?

b； We should publicize your advanced deeds?

A: how to spread it?

B: We will hold a large-scale lottery winning experience exchange meeting in the largest stadium in this city. We will invite my brother Zhao Benshan to chair the meeting.

A: Zhao Benshan?

B: originally, we wanted to invite his brother to host it?

Who is his brother?

B: Zhao Zhongxiang.

Can you buy it?

B: When I asked him later, he went to the animal world to marry an elephant. The appearance fee there is very high.

A: Nonsense.

B: Besides Zhao Benshan, there is also his lover.

His lover?

B: Song Dandan, you are really uneducated. Is to take off your vest and become a snake.

A: You are literate. What a mess.

B: After Song Dandan turned into a snake, it's your turn to speak.

A: I still talk.

b； Of course. You should tell us how you won the prize at the meeting.

I see.

B: I can't say I was cheated. There is learning here.

A: I was cheated.

B: Yes, and a congratulatory message from our Standing Committee.

A: Standing Committee?

Yes, we are a regular organization at the municipal level. When we were founded, the municipal party Committee issued a document. We have a standing committee, a director, a chairman, an honorary chairman and a secretariat for specific work. I am the Secretary-General of the Secretariat dealing with specific affairs.

A: Huo! That's formal.

B: After the congratulations, here are the members' feelings and experiences about your award.

A: Where did their feelings and experiences come from when I won the prize?

B: You don't understand. They are going to talk about 18 reasons why your number can win the prize.

A: Eighteen reasons?

b； This was chosen after internal communication. We originally prepared 36.

A: Is there so much?

B: Then there will be a ceremony to issue you a certificate.

A: Certificate?

B: Honorary Chairman.

A: I forgot this crop.

How could I forget? If you forget, we won't forget. This is the climax of this meeting. It is also the theme of this meeting.

A: Then award the prize.

B: I have to say hello to you before issuing the certificate.

A: Go ahead.

B: Originally, we wanted to ask someone who won the grand prize to give you this certificate.

What was the result?

Come to think of it, you are the first.

a； There are no winners in your society.

I thought we were still trying.

A: The issuance of the certificate will definitely end.

No, it's not over.

A: It's not over yet.

B: There is a performance.

A: A performance?

We will invite Liu Huan, whose Good Han Song is my favorite, and Han Hong, whose Qinghai-Tibet Plateau I also like to listen to. Finally, Jinggangshan, "I only have eyes for you".

A: stare at me.

B: After the performance, you don't want anything good, just get some turtles to eat.

A: Turtle or something.

B: Let's have the last topic at dinner.

I have to work to eat. This attitude didn't say.

I will get even with you.

Get even with me?

B: You must pay all this money.

A: Ah! I've been making trouble for a long time. I was asked to pay it.

Look at you. If you get $4 million, take out $1 million and go home with the honorary chairman. Very cheap.

A: It's cheaper to buy a broken certificate for one million yuan.

Didn't you win the lottery? It is also used in the right direction when we study. There is a saying, take it from the people and use it for the people. (B above are all Tianjin dialect)

A: Is that all right?

What do you think this is?

What about you?

B: What shall we do? I can't be provoked. I can't afford to hide? I moved.

Yes, that's a good idea. Where do you live?

B: Chengnan New Village, the first floor.

Where are you going to move?

B: I moved from the southernmost part of the city to the northernmost part.

A: There are no new villages in the north.

How dare you live in a new village?

A: So where do you live?

I'm telling you, you won't believe it.

A: Tell me about it.

Remember that old water tower?

Yes, in the past, the city was very small. First, pump water into the tower, and then put it into the pipe. This is tap water. It's abandoned now.

That's where I live.

Can people live on it? I'm afraid it's more than twenty meters high.

B: The exact height is 28.5 meters. It's really nice to live on it, and the whole city is in my eyes. I finally understand why the Japanese want to build blockhouses.

A: Why?

A: Stand tall and see far.

A: Isn't that nonsense?

B: Anything else?

A: What?

B: There is only one way up and down. I can see anyone who wants to get up.

Who wants to go up?

B: You can't imagine.

Do you really want to go there?

B: Yes.

This time?

B: my daughter-in-law and I were about to sleep that day when we suddenly heard a tweeter calling my name from below?

What do you need a tweeter for?

B: The way up and down is a rusty iron ladder. I bought ten locks and locked them. I can't hear you without a tweeter.

A: As for it.

I thought I was afraid of people.

Boy, good for you. What are you yelling about?

B: (Shaanxi dialect) An Hong, I love you! Anhong, I love you!

Is this for you? Isn't this a movie line?

My name is Anhong, too.

Who called you this time? It's not Zhang Yimou.

B: This is from the Beggar Retreat Association.

A: Beggar?

B: Not bad! You see, I live so high, he can find it, except beggars who have the ability.

A: That's true. Beggars are everywhere. They what do you do?

B: You want me to be a beggar leader.

A: You don't have to pay this time.

B: They say we are poor and used to suffering. We don't want much, just100000. Even if you pity us.

A: Unfortunately,100000!

B: I don't think I can help it. I have to move.

A: I moved again. Where did you move this time?

I moved to the suburb north of the city. Farmhouse, adobe house, grass roof, no water and no electricity. The door is full of stinking ditches.

A: Longxugou.

B: Not much better than Longxugou.

A: It's quiet this time.

I think so. I moved here. No one would have thought that I would have 4 million.

I think this is a punishment.

My daughter-in-law quit.

What did she say?

Are you dead?

a； Dead ghost?

This is my wife's pet name.

I also like to be called.

B: Fuck you. I thought you won the lottery. Our family can spend a few days happily, buying a new house, changing furniture and matching brand-new home appliances. Then I flew to Singapore and Malaysia. It's all right now. Singapore and Malaysia didn't make it, so I ran here and became neighbors with the sewer. The plane didn't shoot, but it was on the water tower, not bad. The water tower is also quite high. Even if you have been on an airplane, you can still see the clouds floating in front of you.

This is my opinion of you.

B: I can't help it

A: Give it some advice.

B: she also said.

Say what?

B: She said, I've thought about it all, but your winning number is not good.

A: What does this have to do with figures?

That's what I asked.

What did she say?

B: She said, Look at you, 13 13766, singing Domi Domi Siirala.

A: There's nothing wrong with that.

B: she said, the homonym is: unlucky.

Can you buy it?

B: I can't help it Go to sleep first.

A: Go to sleep.

I had a dream when I was asleep.

A: What dream?

I dreamed that I lived on the moon.

A: I became neighbors with Chang 'e and WU GANG.

I think no one will bother me now.

A: Not bad.

Someone is knocking at the door.

A: Who is it?

As soon as I opened the door, it was WU GANG.

A: I came to see you.

B: Can I help you?

What did WU GANG say?

B: As WU GANG said, I am the secretary general of the Moon Lottery Research Association. Entrusted by our President Chang 'e, I'm here to communicate with you.