Jokes about monks and Taoists

Stand-up comedy "confused county magistrate"

Text:

There was a saying in the old society: "peers are enemies." Someone believed this sentence, suffered a lot and was taken in a lot. There is a kind of confrontation among peers, even Lao Dao, a monk who became a monk, is embarrassed. There are many stories about the struggle between monks and Lao Dao in ancient books, and there are also contradictions in their scriptures.

If someone dies, please ask the monks in the tent to chant Buddhist scripture, turn their souls to death, and ask ghosts to go to the west, because the west is heaven and the west will take over.

However, when the old man is chanting, he tells the ghost to go to the east, because the east is a world of white oceans.

If a nun is chanting, ghosts will be sent to the south, because master Nanhai is not in the south.

But when the Lama came to recite the scriptures, he told the ghost to go to the north. There are no ghosts in the world. If there is a ghost, it will be in big trouble. Why? How can ghosts be embarrassed if monks, old people, nuns and lamas are invited to recite scriptures to the dead? Which way should I go? Who is right to listen to? The ghost may have an idea, so he just stood there and turned around. Look at the whirlwind blowing on the road, that's probably what they said, no! This is too much.

Once upon a time there was a joke. There was a monk who traveled around the world, settled down everywhere and made a living by begging for alms. One day, I met an old man in a teahouse When having tea with a monk, everyone praised themselves and looked down on each other. When we talk about it, we talk about classics and learning.

The old man said, "It is best to become a monk and dress smartly. I'll write you a poem: wearing a Taoist crown, a blue shirt and holding dust in your hand, you look like a fairy. "

The monk said, "You are not a fairy, and there is no fairy like you. You see, I really look like a fairy. I also wrote a poem: I fast and do good deeds, and often wear a shirt that looks like a arhat. " I think you are: it is inconvenient to have long hair (that is to say, the old hair is too long), and it is really ugly to dress up every day, regardless of gender. "

The monk said that Lao Dao was neither a woman nor a man. The old man doesn't like it. He also said four words to the monk at that time: "I am wearing a robe, my head is hairless, and my ears are cut off like watermelons."

Hey! This sentence made the monk very angry, and the more they talked, the more annoyed they became, and finally they really got into a fight. In that dark society, anything strange can happen. The monk grabbed the old man's hair, drew his bow left and right, and hit a dozen big mouths. Lao Dao also caught the monk, but he didn't catch anything for a long time, because the monk had no hair. Lao Dao grabbed the monk's ear seven times and eight times. When he mentioned it, he opened his mouth and bit the monk's nose. This can be broken at once! The monk's face was covered with blood, and all the people watching in the teahouse surrounded him. There are all kinds of things.

This one says, "What a world this is!" The monk said, "Being a monk is outrageous. If they are all like this, what should we laity do! " "

Just then, the place came and saw two monks fighting, so they bit off their noses. If you see blood, it is a criminal case. You can't rest without permission. You must surprise the official and move the government. I took the monk and Lao Dao to the county government, but I met a confused county official. The county magistrate who brought money, shortly after taking office, asked several cases and asked nothing clearly. The magistrate is not only confused, but also afraid of his wife.

As soon as the magistrate heard about the lawsuit, he immediately ordered the court to rise. The monitor of Class 3 shouted "Mighty" in unison, and the county magistrate took a seat in the class and sent people to stand on both sides. The magistrate saw a monk and an old man kneeling in the hall, and then saw the monk's face covered with blood. The magistrate asked the monk, "Why go to court?"

The monk said, "He bit my nose."

The magistrate asked the old man again, "Why did you bite his nose?"

The old man denied it and said, "Sir, it wasn't me. He bit himself. "

The magistrate said, "Monk, bite yourself. Why do you sue others? "

Hearing this, the monk became very angry. How can I bite my nose? He said quickly, "Sir, I can't reach it by biting my nose."

Hearing this, the master said, "Yes, yes, yes! I can't reach the bite. " He said to the old man, "He can't reach the bite by himself."

Lao Dao said, "He stood on the bench and took a bite."

The master bit his nose when he heard that it made perfect sense. If he can't reach it, if he stands taller, he can reach it. Ask the monk said:

"Good you a bold monk, standing on a stool bite off your nose, but also by good people. Come on, pull it down and hit forty again! "

Look how unlucky this monk is. His nose was bitten off and he was beaten 40 times. Even if he was beaten, he was remanded in custody. He sent people to the streets with Lao Dao to find insurance, so he left the court. When the county magistrate returned to the houzhai, his wife asked:

"Sir, what's the case today? Why did you leave the court so soon? "

The magistrate said, "Madam, you don't know that it was two monks, a cunning monk, who bit off his nose and told the old story instead of telling the truth. Leng said it was bitten by an old man. At that time, I beat the monk forty times and arrested him. I asked for bail. Madam, did I hear this case well today? "

Hearing this, my wife knew that she had made another mistake. Said:

"Sir, biting your nose is beyond your power."

The master said; "That's what I asked. The old man said he stood on the bench and bit it. Madam, please think about it. No matter what you can't reach, isn't it enough to stand higher? "

The wife said, "No matter how high you stand, you can't bite your nose. I'll get you a stool. How about you stand up and bite your nose? "

The master is a little afraid of his wife. He really stood on the stool for a long time and opened his mouth, but he still didn't understand and asked again:

"Madam, is this stool too short?"

The wife said, "well, come on, have you seen enough in your room?" Master went to the yard at that time, stepped on the ladder and entered the room. He stood on the roof for a long time and couldn't reach it. Only then did he understand. Angry and happy, the wife said, "Come down quickly, send someone to take Lao Dao back, and then go to court. Beat the old man severely and take it out on the monk. Otherwise, the people won't accept it, and maybe you won't be a fairy for long. But I'm afraid you can't ask clearly. what can I do? Let's do it! I will hide by your side and play charades with you when I appear in court. Listen to me then. What about the old road? Ok? "

Hearing this, the master was extremely happy.

"Let's do it!" Send someone to catch the old man back immediately and go to court for the second time. The host sat in the hall early, his wife crouched behind him, and the chief of Class Three stood on both sides. Take the old man to class and kneel there. The old man thought, what bad luck this time.

The master was afraid of being knocked out and said, "Old-fashioned! Who bit the monk's nose? "

The old man said, "Didn't you ask? He bit himself. "

The master said, "No! How could he possibly get it himself? "

The old man said, "Isn't he standing on a stool?"

The master said, "nonsense, master, I have gone to my room and I can't reach it!" " "

The wife thought: Wow! Why are you telling him this? Pull the master's clothes by hand and stretch four fingers at him, which means hitting forty boards.

The master turned back and said, "Come on, play an old game."

The old man thought, that's very kind of you, sir. It took you a long time to hit me four times, so you went down to the ground and waited to be beaten.

The wife thought: Oh, no! I told him to call forty. How can he be a four-board? Oh, one finger counts as a board. If you stretch out five fingers, that's five boards. When you turn your hand, it's ten boards, right The other pulled his master's clothes and held out five fingers, tossing and turning, fifteen, ten, fifteen ... forty.

The master turned around and saw his wife's hand tossing and turning. At that time, he ordered: "Turn the old road upside down."

Hearing this, the old man got angry. Did you hit someone and turn them upside down? What is this, my Lord? You are an idiot. People standing in the class also felt indecent, but the master handed it down and dared not turn it over. When he twisted his old ankle, it really turned over.

The wife grabbed her master and waved. The master thought: What is the wave? Oh! I see. "Come on, rub the old man's stomach."

The old man thought, my stomach has stopped hurting. Why did you rub it for me?

I was so angry that my wife gnashed her teeth at him. What does she mean by gnashing her teeth when he looks at it? Oh! "Come on, bite off the old nose!"

My wife is sweating with anxiety. She gritted her teeth, waved to the master and pointed at herself. It means: that's not what I said. The master was even more confused: "Forget it, don't bite, let your wife bite!" " "

Only about three minutes.