Sketch fortune-telling performance

A: There are three kinds of stupid people in the world-those who take medicine without illness or disaster. They don't yell at me when they see this handsome guy, and they don't laugh when they see this sketch. Would you stop laughing if you want to hear me say that? ! Sick, heart disease. To tell the truth, my major is fortune telling. Now that I have seen it, I have opened such a psychological clinic, so that I can make money with confidence and give full play to my specialty of cheating. Wear a pair of glasses. You look a little knowledgeable. Hey ... man, how can you be so smart? Ha, come and live!

Please come in!

Ouch ... Doctor, are you in a psychological clinic?

Yes, yes, please sit down.

Doctor, it's hard to be human. Why do you think it is so difficult to be a man?

Why do you say that?

B: Brother, sit down and listen. I'll speak slowly! My name is bachelor, and my nickname is stinky tofu. A boss is as fierce as a tiger, scraping my skin to the bone, and money dances in front of me, but he doesn't buy one. Look at me coldly. Yes, it pains me. I'm worse than a widow now. Now I don't even know if I'm a man or a woman.

You look as thin as a dog. Have you suffered a lot? Come here, let me see your face.

B: look at the face.

Our clinic has face-to-face service.

B: it's quite hanging.

Small eyes, single eyelid, golden aquiline nose. Why does this mouth look like a navel? ! Well, brother, I found all the shortcomings of human facial features, all in your face. The workers in the factory will not agree if they are not abused.

C is coming, come in.

C (talking while walking): It's really hard to be a man these days! Why is it so difficult to be an earthman?

Why does a fat pig come here?

A: Come on, let's do it.

C: doctor! I don't know, although I am so fat, I am actually very conservative and tortured!

C: Look, this belly, this face, is filled with Chili water, and it's swollen like this.

B: Brother, who called like my boss?

C: Who else could it be? Of course, it is the president of the company that is "you stupid" and "I stupid"

B: Brothers and colleagues! We are a company! Big brother!

C: Little brother!

Two people embrace together.

A: Don't be so affectionate. People think they are gay at first sight!

B, C: Who is gay?

A: Well, seeing how pathetic you are, I'll send you a couplet. The first part is: as long as life is ok. The bottom line is: even if there is some green on the head. Horizontal batch: Ninja Turtles. By the way, I must ask, what does your boss look like?

B, C: People in our unit once wrote a pair of couplets to describe his appearance:

B: the first part is: look at the back, there are thousands of troops.

C: The bottom line is: make a sharp turn and scare away all the princes.

A: what is a horizontal batch?

B, C: My mother's teeth!

B: It is said that people on earth are fragile, so I went to work in such a fog. Since I entered their company, I got up earlier than the chicken every day, ate worse than the pig and did more than the donkey! Don't say anything, big brother, it's all tears ~

C: You are not bad! And was scolded and beaten.

A: I have to blow some calves quickly and start cheating.

C: Huh?

A: Nothing. I said it would be ruined if it went on like this.

B, C: Doctor ... You must save me!

A: That's easy to say. In view of your situation, I will provide you with two packages to deal with the boss: one is the horror package; One is the peace package, you can choose it yourself ~

C: The horror package is terrible. I am timid, please tell me something peaceful.

Peace package, right? Well, this involves intellectual property rights.

I see ... Intellectual property ... Do you think this is ok? (Pay 200 yuan money)

A: OK! Look at your sincerity. Let me tell you something. The simplest language used in the peace plan is-resign!

C: resign? This is basically impossible. You don't know the details. I still have a salary of 2000 yuan! I have nothing, so it's over.

B: Doctor, I can't make a peace package either. Please give me something terrible.

Dr. A made a sign for money.

B gave the doctor 50 yuan money.

A: Being a escort for a cat is not like a mouse. You want money, but you're dead! This makes me very embarrassed.

Doctor, I'm in a dilemma, too

A: Just 50 yuan.

B: There are still some changes! Can you not?

You don't think I dare accept it, do you? (Put the change in the belt) I'm telling you, this horror bag is very dangerous and needs perseverance and courage!

B: After all this, what are we afraid of?

C: Just say it. I can hold on.

A: Have some wine. After drinking, find a corner while the wine is strong. You have to hide: I don't believe you scratch me or bite me, and I can't kill him ~

C, is this about killing people?

I also know that. I mainly tried to scare him by putting lipstick on an old lady-give her some color to see see.

B: Is that all right?

A: A dog will bite its own ass, that's for sure.

This pager ... the boss paged me. I will call him back ...

My lunch box and mobile phone are charged in the dormitory. Lend me your mobile phone.

A: Comrade patient, I have to pay for your small clinic, and I have to pay for my mobile phone ~ Call quickly! Hey, wait a minute, let me explain something to you!

Well, you agreed.

A: First, be ruthless. Second, be patient. If you can't bear it, you don't have to bear it anymore! If it really doesn't work, kill yourself.

C: Huh? Boss, I have no problem with you. The signal was bad just now. Oh, it would be nice to invite four colleagues here for dinner. Tell us to go, too. Thank you ~ ~! How much is it to pay ~ ~? 8800, ah, nothing ~ I have no problem with you. I mean, it only costs 8800 yuan to invite four students to dinner, and it saves money! Ok, I'll go right away! Uh, 88

Doctor, we must pay my boss at once. We had a good chat today. I'll come back later to listen to you!

A: OK! Goodbye, alas ~ this money is too easy to earn. Call my mother quickly. Report report

(mobile phone recruitment). Easy? Where is the mobile phone? Shit, that stinky tofu has been taken away. Don't run!

service attitude

An actor must have a spirit on the stage.

Is it? No matter what you do, you should have a correct service attitude.

Well, any job is the same.

Is it?

A For example, if you are a shop assistant, can you have a bad attitude?

B has a bad attitude Wow, all the customers got angry and ran away.

Well, you ran away? Then you will be happy.

B Hey, why?

A, it is easier to save customers without you. I'll still get a monthly salary then. This is not a good thing. You don't want others to give you advice.

B that pair.

Do you think people standing in cabinets in the old society are unfriendly?

B no.

Did it annoy the customers?

B that's not true.

A is still here. In the old society, students should learn this first.

B what to study?

There is a shopkeeper to teach you.

B yes.

In business, A must tolerate gas.

B Ah, yes, I can stand it.

Well, the apprentice must learn that song first.

B what?

A song.

B song?

A well, it shows that this businessman can bear it.

B Oh, I haven't heard of it.

A never heard of it?

B So, can you tell me what this song is?

A: "Business can endure, and kindness can make money. Whether you are rich or poor, you open your heart. When the master of business comes, he will smile when he walks to the counter. Not sleepy or in a daze. Why don't you make a fortune in this business? "

B yes! What kind of theory does this business dare to have?

An apprentice used to sing this song. String 1

B Oh, singing?

A, singing.

How to sing b?

A (singing): "Buying and selling can be tolerated, making money with kindness, no matter which one is poor or rich, it looks the same." When the master of buying and selling arrives, he will come to the counter and smile. Don't be sleepy. Don't be in a daze. How can you not get rich in this business? "

Oh?

For example, you go to a shoe store to buy casual shoes.

B: Ah.

A pair of lace-up slippers.

B yes.

A "What about the skirt?" Look how big your feet are-

How about b?

A When he looked at it, it was almost the same in 1998.

B Oh, in the 1990s.

A brought a pair. "You try this pair." That man tried to-

How about b?

A "matter."

B.

A "tighter?" Ok, I'll get you another pair.

oh

A took another foot, and the other one said, "No, it's too big." What do you suggest we do? A foot of clothes is big, and 98% clothes are small.

B, what about the one with 99?

A there's no such number.

B Then what should we do?

A took the third pair, which is still 98. I can sell this pair to you.

B that's fine. Can people buy it?

A: He speaks well.

oh

First, he changed the way he dealt with you and made you buy shoes with satisfaction.

Look.

Look at these shoes. Didn't they get smaller when he looked at them? The handle of the duster will be supported and cleaned for you first. "You try this." "This won't work, it's still tight." "Yes, you wear such new shoes. If you buy new shoes, they will fit. It will be big in two days. " String 3

B what?

"Don't you wear tight clothes these days? Isn't it easy to step on it for two days? Be sure to fit. " "That won't do. I don't like the look of these shoes. They have long faces. " "Good face, hold your feet. You don't have to step on the aisle and fall. How troublesome you have to ask! " "That won't do, this ass is thick." "It's good to have a thick ass. You don't hurt your feet in there! "

B look!

If he knew everything, he could sell the shoes.

oh

A: That's his way. Whether you are dressed properly or not, I will sell you.

Look, hey.

A But now you have to be a shop assistant, and that won't do!

B.

As a shop assistant, A not only has a good service attitude.

B yes.

A never gets tired of taking and never asks. It has to be. It is practical to take care of others. You can't talk nonsense, just say it's sold. It won't work.

B, seeking truth from facts.

A: Well, look at the waiter's attitude now.

B yes.

What cooperatives and department stores did you go to, huh? How nice that shop assistant is!

B ok.

A But there are some others that are similar.

Oh, there is something else.

Oh, almost. He is always uneasy about his work and doesn't love his career.

Look.

A He always wanted to be a shop assistant. What's the point? Huh? I wish I could do something else: construction department, factories and mines. Even if you do administrative work, you can be a leading cadre in the future.

Look.

A: You said this thing was a shop assistant in the cooperative. Who are you going to lead? Leading banana apple rubber shoes? Nothing! You said that a salesperson should have this thing in his heart and have a good service attitude? String 2

B that's true, he has a mental problem!

A said yes, he kept thinking, "Why don't you make two and a half pounds, do it here somewhere else, and eat where you do it!" !

B Look, what is this idea?

A: That's broken. Once I went to a cooperative to buy rubber shoes, and I met that comrade, which was not good.

oh

I saw a pair of rubber shoes in the window. It's good. "Hey, comrade, I want to buy rubber shoes." "What kind do you want?" "That's it." Bring it here. Let me have a look. It's size 37, which is 9 inches. It suits me just right.

B Then you can buy it.

A: Yes. I said, "In that case, please bring me two more pairs." "No, just this pair!"

B You're just in time. These are the only ones left.

Who said that? He is afraid of trouble.

b！

A I said, "OK, I'll take this pair."

B yes.

A drew me another one at the bottom, put it in a box, tied it up, issued a ticket, and I took it back. I opened it when I got home. I can't wear it!

B what's wrong? It is broken.

A Not bad!

B Then why can't you wear it?

A: Both are left feet!

b！ Is this a smooth edge? !

What do you say?

B Then change it quickly!

A can't do it. Those two days were too busy to change. I'll think about it for a few days. After a week, I changed it again, and when I got there, it was really sold out.

B look at it.

I said, "What should I do ... I can't wear it here ― you can't sell both your left feet. You still have two right feet. " "No, who bought it!"

String 1

B Well, I can't wear that either!

I said, "What if I wait to wear it?" ? You change it for me. ""change the warehouse! "Well, then, go to the warehouse a few miles away and ask, because they have a whole box there!

B yes.

A: "You have to change it at the big retail department."

B: Yes.

A ran back and forth four times without changing his shoes. It rained that day, and when it rained heavily, my slippers were all messed up.

B: Look at this. What should we do?

A As soon as I remember, I won't wait. Let me buy a pair and put it on first. I went to another cooperative.

B Well, what about this shop assistant?

Jiahao, great! Compared with that comrade, it's a world of difference! Great! I said, "Comrade, buy rubber shoes." "Oh, how big?" "One foot eight."

b？ Don't you wear a nine-inch size? !

One, that's not ... two.

Two ... did anyone talk like that?

A He was also happy and took it out: "Look, how about this?" I said, "All right, that's it." "You give it a try, ok? Not suitable for change. " I said, "well, I'll wear this size." Don't try. " He said, "You'd better try. If it doesn't fit, you can change it. It is not easy to change this mud in the future. "

B yes. Then you can try.

A: No. Wearing casual shoes is covered with mud!

That can't be helped.

He said, "Never mind, I have a footbath here." Run to the back, give me some water and get an old towel: "Wash it. Try washing. "

String 6

Wow!

A: What a nice service attitude!

B great!

Ah, so people praise people with good service attitude.

B yes.

Representatives of the National Activist Congress came to Beijing for a meeting. How lively it is!

B yes.

A comes from different jobs and is a good public servant of the people.

Sure, can you be elected as the representative?

A: That's right. People who like the poor service attitude can also attend the meeting.

b？

A will participate in the review conference.

B cough! That's not honorable!

A, this service attitude is still problematic.

B is it?

Good service attitude. Sometimes you will feel even more terrible if you meet someone with such a service attitude.

Oh, why?

There is such a "judge-like" shop assistant.

B "judge"

A stood there with no smile on her face.

What is this?

A probably means that he is serious.

Why is Shop Assistant B so serious?

A that's it. You haven't talked to him yet. You need to talk to him to make you angry! There is such a person.

B We're here to buy something. Why are we angry with him?

A: It is impossible not to be angry. He is really annoying! He is annoying!

B I don't believe it. How come...

If you don't believe me, you are the customer, and I am the shop assistant. You must be angry if you say a few words to me!

Is it? Ok, let's try! String 1

A line.

B You are a shop assistant.

A: Yes.

B I is a customer.

A: Yes.

B "hey, comrade!"

A "why?" (Pretending to be impatient) You are out of line at this first sentence. Look at this: "What?" What do you want people to go to the cooperative for, that is, to buy things? Can ordinary people go to cooperatives to see a doctor?

B Yes, the cooperative has not added an outpatient department either.

A: Yes. Listen, you're still angry! "For what?"

B "I want to buy bananas, ok?"

A "Then who do you discuss with and make up your own mind!"

B "This is not a negotiation. May I ask? "

A "We don't sell bad things here, they are all good."

B "I'm afraid it's not ripe yet."

A "cooked! It's boiled in here! Eat cooked food in Guangdong! Do you want to buy it? Don't waste time if you don't buy it, so I can get it for others! "

B "buy it!"

"Is still a.. How much do you want? "

B "You give me two Jin. Hey, pick a bigger one. "

A "hmm! Do you want a big one? Who will the remaining small ones be sold to? You are selfish! "

B "Who is selfish? I am afraid that small is not sweet. "

"Nothing is not sweet. Bananas are all sweet and not salty. This is a banana, ok? This is not pickled radish! "

B Oh, that's irritating enough. "How much is the cantaloupe?"

A "cantaloupe is eighty cents."

B "one?"

"Give you a white? A pound. "

One kilogram? Why is it so expensive? "

"Is it expensive? Air transport! Do you know that?/You know what? Do you understand air transport? Better than you! I have been on a plane. " String 2

B "Well, you give me a catty and I'll try the flying cantaloupe. Ok, how much is it altogether? "

Answer "16 cents, 32 cents, 1. 12 cents."

B "OK, here is five yuan. Give me change. "

A "no! Take zero, no money to find! "

"I have no change."

A "no zero? You wait here, I will come to you when I have sold enough! "

B "that won't do, I'm still waiting for work!" "

"Want to go to work? Can't wait? "

B "I can't wait."

A "I bought it all!"

B "I ... I spent five dollars on bananas. How can I eat them? "

"Then who did you ask? That's your own problem, who told you to buy things without change! "

B "hey! Comrade, your attitude is better. Look at your face! "

"Aren't you shopping? What do you see in my face? Oh, you're here to set me up! Oh, what's wrong with dissatisfaction? Give advice! There's a commentary book there. Write it down! I have to give you advice! What's your last name? What's your name? Which unit are you from? You what? Which unit are you from? What is your composition? ……"

B is that more like it?

A: This is good and bad. How bad is this?

B Really, that's a far cry!

And this coke thing!

B, what is it?

I tell you, everything that happened to me is special!

oh

A I met something during the Chinese New Year. What a coke!

B, what is it?

On the evening of New Year's Eve, I brought three bottles to our restaurant to buy things in the cooperative. Buy sesame oil, wine and kerosene. There, three bottles, I said, "sesame oil, wine and kerosene are the same!" " Fight. "Because this comrade is careless, I didn't even eat jiaozi.

String 4

B what?

He is very careless. He got it all wrong!

B what's wrong?

He put sesame oil in a kerosene bottle! He put kerosene in the bottle! Beat the wine into the sesame oil bottle!

B, is it all wrong?

A I didn't watch it then either. I took it back. I found it the next day and the first day.

B Then find him to change it quickly!

One can't! He's on vacation! From grade one to grade five, he has five days off!

B, then tell me about the activities on the sixth day.

A Yes, I don't want to eat this jiaozi either.

How did this happen?

He didn't concentrate on working there! As soon as he saw me as a comic dialogue actor, he teased me: "Yo-ho! Which one? Oh, kerosene, sesame oil and wine. Okay, hey! How about coming here for a while? Say a paragraph, say a cross talk, interesting! " -while teasing, while playing (learning the action of hitting wine): "How about you come to the part of" Buying Monkeys "?" Buy a monkey is good! "Buy a monkey" is so interesting, just so-so, casual, smiling. "He was just joking. He got it all wrong!

B, he is also very careless!

A closed my jiaozi and didn't eat.

B yes.

A finally looked forward to the sixth day, so she went to see him early in the morning.

B needs to talk to him.

I said, "Comrade, what happened to your work? What are you thinking about? You put the wine in a sesame oil bottle for me, and I can make do with it. Have you seen this? What do you think of these two bottles? This is kerosene. You get it in a bottle! This is a kerosene bottle. What do you say if you make it into sesame oil and drink the bottle with oil? " He said, "Oh, it's my fault! This is a kerosene bottle. I think it's a sesame oil bottle. There is a mistake. Oh, this is ... this is a wine bottle. I was injected with kerosene. I thought it was wine. I was just thinking about letting you talk cross talk, and I was confused! " Knock, knock, knock. ...

String 7

B pour it into the oil drum?

He poured kerosene into the wine jar!

B ...