Super funny New Year's Day sketch script

One morning, a breakfast seller angrily shouted at a person, "What do you mean? If you have no money, just say so. Why did you cheat me with counterfeit money? Fake money is fake money, at least get a printed matter, damn it! You always draw by hand. Hand-painted, but

You shouldn't draw a picture for seven dollars! 7 yuan, I admit it, too. You'd better have more color. Look, you can make a few quick strokes with a pencil. It's only black and white. I wouldn't be so angry if you took a better piece of paper. Damn it, you always draw with toilet paper! Forget the toilet paper, at least I want to cut it with scissors. You can't justify tearing it by hand, tear a triangle!

Student: Hello, fuck the teacher!

Zhao: Miss Zhao!

Student: Fuck the teacher!

Zhao: Miss Zhao!

Student: Fuck the teacher!

Zhao: Ao Ao Zhao

Student: Fuck! Fuck!

Zhao: ~ ~ ~ ~

Student: ~ ~ ~ ~

Zhao: Miss Zhao!

Student: Fuck the teacher!

Zhao: Come on, sit down first.

Student: Yes ~ ~ ~

Zhao: Why are you crying?

Student: I am singing.

Zhao: I thought you were crying.

Student: Hmm ~ ~ ~ Hum!

Zhao: OK, OK, don't cry (sing). Stop crying (singing). Let's review yesterday's class, shall we?

Student: OK!

Zhao: Yesterday we had a math class first. Let's review it. Let's get started. What is this? (than a finger)

Student: A pair of fried dough sticks!

Zhao: How about this one? (Compared with two fingers)

Student: A pair of chopsticks.

Zhao: How about this one? (Compared with 3)

Student: This is my favorite chicken feet.

Zhao: Go, go, chicken feet are this (more than five). I told you he was a 250-year-old retard!

Student: Fool! Hey ~ ~ ~ (pointing to the teacher)

Zhao: OK, OK, we won't learn this. Shall I teach you a hundred surnames first?

Student: Huh?

Zhao: Do you know the surname of Bai Jia?

Student: I don't know, hey ~ ~ ~

Zhao: I studied under Zhao, Qian, Sun and Li.

Students: Zhao, Qian, Sun and Li.

Zhao: Do you know what this means?

Student: I don't know!

Zhao: What about Zhao? It's teacher Zhao's Zhao, do you know?

Student: Teacher Zhao's Zhao.

Zhao: Money is money with money and no money.

Student: Money but no money.

Zhao: The grandson is the grandson of the grandson, you know?

Student: I don't know.

Zhao: The grandson of the grandson is the butcher of the grandson.

Student: Kill the grandson.

Zhao: Right, right, right. You said I was the butcher of my grandson.

Student: You are the butcher of your grandson.

Zhao: Oh, he is not stupid. All you have to do is read exactly like the teacher.

Student: Yes.

Zhao: I'm a butcher.

Student: You are the butcher of your grandson.

Zhao: Go on.

Student: Fool! Hehe ~ ~ ~ ~

Zhao: Do you know what Li means?

Student: I don't know.

Zhao: A gift.

Student: Hehe ~ ~ ~

Zhao: OK, keep reading. Zhou, Wu, Zheng and Wang.

Students: Zhou, Wu, Zheng and Wang.

Zhao: Zhou, Wu, Zheng and Wang. (shaking his head)

Student: Miss Zhou and Wu, I feel dizzy (shaking my head).

Zhao: Are you dizzy? Shake it the other way around!

Student: (shaking his head) I feel dizzy.

Zhao: Then stop shaking. Let me explain something to you. Week is skinning week.

Student: Zhou skinned.

Zhao: Do you know?

Student: Yes, yes.

Zhao: Wu, it is just boring.

Student: It's boring. Hehe ~ ~ ~ ~

Zhao: That's right. It's positive anyway.

Student: Yes, hehe ~ ~ ~ ~

Zhao: Wang is the king of the old bastard, and your father is the old bastard.

Student: Hehe ~ ~ ~ ~

Zhao: Do you know? Student: Yes.

Zhao: Read these sentences to me together. Qian Sun Zhao Li, Wu Zhou Zheng Wang, explain to the teacher and see how you are doing.

Student: Son of a bitch is boring anyway and has no money to give gifts. This disciple is Miss Zhao.

Zhao: That's enough, that's enough. I don't care about the score of three dou meters. I won't teach you a fool. Let's continue to learn poetry, shall we?

Student: What?

Zhao: Can poets write poems?

Student: I don't know.

Zhao: You don't even know the poet? Is that you walk to the river cleanly, then fall into the river and get up. You are a poet.

Student: Oh, then I take a bath every day and become a poet every day, hehe ~ ~ ~ idiot!

campus

Dear classmates, I miss you very much.

Let me introduce you first.

A: My name is Guo Liangliang.

My name is Zhao Pangpang.

A: Pangpang, are you a freshman? If there is anything I can do for you in the future, please let me know and I will do my best.

Oh, of course. Boss, did you get good grades?

A: Just so-so.

B: Then why are your grades so good?

A: Because I was honed from the bitter experience of "frying shredded pork with bamboo board", I have deeply realized that I will be beaten if I fall behind.

B: Well, heroes have the same experience.

Can you be more specific?

B: Women's singles score below 80, men's singles score below 70 and mixed doubles score below 60.

What do you mean?

B: Mom under b:80 hit me, Dad under 70 hit me, and Mom and Dad under 60 hit me together.

Did you grow up in this environment?

B: Who cares how bitter my heart is and where I will go tomorrow?

Oh, my poor classmate, but it doesn't matter. Sooner or later, your body will become indestructible, and then you will live forever.

B: Hey, senior, I've heard that you stand out from the crowd and monopolize the glans penis. Please introduce your study method to me.

A: I couldn't stop singing last night, and my dream of winning the championship was shaken back. It's already midnight. I got up and washed my face with cold water, and then I desperately picked up the window lamp and concentrated on becoming famous. White leaves fall in front of the window, blocking the way. I want to talk to Yao Qin. It's impossible. I have no time at all.

But I just can't learn well, even if I stay up late.

A: You study during the day, study at night, eat and go to the toilet. Study hard before you study.

B: That won't do. If you study all night, you have to sleep during the day. Reading while eating, twice stuffing rice into nostrils, three times stuffing it into ears and four times stuffing it into other people's mouths. I'm afraid to read in the toilet.

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid of falling in. I won't swim there.

What do you do at school?

B: I am at school, jumping, crying, laughing, hitting, hanging against the wall, sleeping during the day and shooting at night. I got under the bed and bit the mouse.

A: If you don't study hard, you might as well go home and sell sweet potatoes. If you don't study hard, you might as well go home and farm. Forget it, stop suffering here and go home. Hey ... What are you talking about? What's so great about you? Just study hard. I want to make your family restless.

What do you want?

I'll call your home. Hello, is this Guo Liangliang's mother? I have some sad news for you. My lovely classmate Guo Liangliang was hit by a car yesterday morning, hit by a stone, kicked by a donkey and bitten by a dog. Now she is being rescued in the hospital.

A: Where is it?

B: Urumqi, Heilongjiang.

Why do you say so far?

B: Let her take her time to find it by car. The fare is all inclusive.

Well, you are cruel. Look, everyone, that's him calling anyone with a phone number like this.

To tell the truth, I do have difficulties in my study.

A: What's the difficulty?

B: Reading makes me sleepy, thirsty and hungry, and I want to go to the toilet.

That's easy to handle.

B: What shall we do?

Answer: Drink red bull when you are thirsty and hungry, red bull when you are sleepy and tired, and red bull when you have frequent urination and urgency. Red bull, red bull, neither red nor cow.

B: But we only have yellow cattle, not red cattle.

A: Forget it. I'd better tell you a few stories to stimulate your interest in learning.

I like stories.

Have you ever heard of Che Yin Capsule Firefly, Sun Kang Xue Ying and Kuang Heng?

I haven't heard of it. What happened?

A: As for Che Yin, when he was a child, he loved reading very much, but his family was poor and had no money to buy lamps. So he caught a lot of fireflies, put them in bags and read books at night.

B: Then let's catch fireflies.

What do you want fireflies for when you have electric lights and sticks?

B: Only in this way can I show that I study hard.

A: Please, fireflies will glow. Can it shine? Fireflies can fly. Can you fly?

What about Sun Kang Xue Ying?

A: Sun Kang wants to study at night, but his family is poor and there is no light, so he studies in the snow by the light of the snow.

B: I don't think it's snowy either, but how cold it is outside. Studying outside is not sleepwalking, but also mental derangement. Let's listen to the people who steal from the wall. I also want to learn.

A: It was Kuang Heng who stole the light from the wall, and Kuang Heng's family was poor, and there was no light to study at night, so he dug a hole in his wall and studied by the light of his neighbor.

But there is a pigsty next door to my house. Besides, what if the pig next door peeks at me taking a bath?

I introduced them to you because I want you to learn their hard-working spirit. That's how genius is born.

B: Geniuses make money every day.

Why do you care so much about money? Well, since you can't learn from China, learn from a foreign country. Newton.

B: Cows like elephants are slow to react.

A: ostrovsky.

B: You're going home to marry an old hen?

A: Dalton, the father of modern chemistry.

B: I've never heard of chemistry since I was a child. I have a father. Who the fuck is that?

A: Well, well, let's talk about your life instead of studying.

Ah, my life here is so wonderful. I think I live in sweet happiness.

Yo, be specific.

One day I went to the canteen to eat. After dinner, I put my rice bowl in the canteen and it was gone the next day.

What about you?

B: So I posted a notice at the entrance of the canteen: Dear classmate, you accidentally took my job. I am deeply sorry for this, because I have hepatitis A, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, liver cirrhosis, myocardial infarction and meningitis. I hope I can put my job back.

Is this still alive?

A: what happened later?

B: I went to the canteen door the next morning and saw more than 200 rice bowls piled up at the door.

A: More than 200? So what do you do?

B: I chose three of the most beautiful ones for rice bowls, two for urinals, one for washbasins, and the rest were sold to waste collectors. They sold for more than 65,438+000 yuan, enough for me to eat for a day.

A: Great. Then try again.

B: But I have sold all the jobs in our dormitory. Otherwise, you can try.

I am not as kind as you.

Oh, I'm flattered.

A: fickle and heartless.

B: Senior, let's change the subject.

A: Of course. ..... How?

B: sensitive and exciting.

A: What?

B: Puppy love.

I exercise every morning to see how good my health is. See if my biceps are fake? (action)

B: I'm not talking about this, I'm talking about that.

Which one?

B: Hmm.

A: Oh, I concentrate on my studies and have no distractions.

I also attach importance to study, but those girls always make eyes at me.

A: What eyes?

B: Radio waves in autumn.

What do they all look like?

B: everyone is better than cattle. I can scare the hell out of Shi with a twist of my head. I can't stand it any longer. I'm going to kill myself.

Answer: Slow down, there is no sorrow in life and no pain in death. Everyone has a lock that can't be opened and just wants to open it.

Yes, I want to forget it. I'll write them a love letter as soon as I want to forget it. One day, I stuffed a love letter into a girl's textbook.

Did she see it?

Of course, I am very excited.

A: Then what?

I called the police.

Did you call the police? What did you write?

B: I've been following you for a long time, hehehehehe.

How do you intimidate others?

B: I haven't written it before I knew this would not work, so I changed it.

What did you change?

B: You are from Yuanmou, Yunnan, and I am from Zhoukou, Beijing. Grab your furry hand and take a gentle bite. Love makes us walk upright.

A: How about this time?

B: She smiled after reading it.

Yo, smile?

B: Then open your mouth and tell me, you protein!

Wow, you made it!

B: No, her protein is an idiot and neurotic.

A: So it's over?

B: It's over.

What a sad love story! Let me borrow your shoulder.

B: My first love died in the womb and collapsed mercilessly.

A: Hey, Xiao Pang, life setbacks are inevitable. Suffering and sadness are a person's spiritual wealth. The road to study is hard. Don't covet the scenery on the road. It's not too late to appreciate it when you arrive. Men are born to men's mothers, and women are born to women's mothers. Once a man is mixed with a woman, he will become neither a man nor a woman. Students should focus on learning, be pure and indifferent, cultivate one's morality and cultivate one's nature, so as to show the true nature of men.

So am I really wrong?

A: Youth is fleeting, so we should cherish it. Don't wait to fool a teenager's head before you feel sad.

B: I want to get rid of the ocean of addiction and make progress.

A: Then show everyone your determination.

B: There was a precious time before me, and I didn't cherish it. When I lost it, I regretted it The saddest thing in the world is this. If God gives me another chance, I will study hard. If I have to put a restriction in front, I hope it will be a lifetime.

All right, chubby, walk home and do your homework.