Zhihu's Selected Works: The Dark Side of Human Nature in the Relationship between Men and Women.

I don't know if this is the dark side, but I do have some new insights in my recent relationship. I wrote these thoughts down because I think they are universal and can make people communicate and understand better.

My first feeling is that interest is everyone's core appeal. In fact, when you see this sentence, you will say, isn't this nonsense? Everybody knows that.

But the point is not this sentence, but: what is everyone's core interest? Moreover, how will everyone's core interests change with the change (or progress) of the relationship between men and women?

Let me give you a few small examples. (The boyfriend mentioned below is not the same person, but may be an ex. The distinction is not important. )

I studied piano in primary school, and everyone who has studied musical instruments knows that this needs to be persisted for a long time. Practice for an hour every day since childhood. When I first fell in love, my boyfriend appreciated my skills. (This is one of my interests. Men like girls who can play musical instruments, especially in the initial contact stage. ) Later, we stayed together for a long time and our relationship was stable. After work, I still insisted on practicing piano for an hour and a half at the music store. When I got home, it was almost 7 o'clock, so I could never cook dinner. He cooked it all. At this time, the contradiction came. I used to play the piano to occupy my own time, which has nothing to do with him, but now I need him to take on this time. Besides, he has a girlfriend who can play the piano, and there is nothing to be excited about (he is used to it and has finished showing off). At this time, it is more important for him to go home and have a hot meal.

In the second example, I have a friend who is very beautiful, that is, her skin condition is average, and she needs to go to a beauty salon every month to maintain her good appearance. Each of her boyfriends spoiled her at first, but after a long time, they expressed some dissatisfaction with her going to the beauty salon because the beauty salon cost a lot. This is also the reason for the change of core interests. At the beginning, the core interest was the beauty of his girlfriend, which did not need his burden. But then what? Core interests become money. Of course, my friend has his own money, and he doesn't need his boyfriend to spend money on beauty. But how to spend your own money casually, but after you get married? That's money for two people. No man likes his wife to spend thousands of dollars in beauty salons every month. At this time, the core interest of a man gradually changed from beauty to money, and my friend touched the interest of her husband's money.

In the third example, I make up every morning and then curl my hair. At least 20 minutes, not a long time. My boyfriend likes my curly hair very much and says it's feminine. However, what about the long time? I have to get up early and curl my hair every day, and then it's still very slow, and sometimes I can't catch up with the cafeteria for breakfast. Occasionally, my boyfriend will complain that I am too slow and restless. At this time, because I touched his interest in eating breakfast and sleeping longer.

May see here, some female friends will think men are so annoying and so on. But if we put ourselves in the shoes, we will know that this is normal and hard to avoid.

Suppose you have a handsome and versatile boyfriend with a good figure and eight abdominal muscles, then you must be very happy at first. Later, you gradually found that his good figure needs to go to the gym for two hours every day, and his good face and hairstyle need to spend money and time to maintain. Gifted, it takes time to study, even playing basketball takes time and energy. So, will you still be as happy as before? When you find that you go home to cook every day, work hard to make money and save money every day, and take care of the children's housework every day, you will be furious.

There is a popular post on Zhihu, which asks: Do leftover women want to improve themselves or lower their requirements? There are many things that satirize girls' baking tour, saying that they are not promoting themselves at all, but spending money blindly. In fact, knowing more about a skill and seeing more about the world, even baking, painting, mobile games and learning a foreign language, can be regarded as improving yourself. After all, you are better than you used to be. But! These are burdensome to others, especially future husbands. Unless you can cook for him every day, paint and sell paintings, travel for free, learn a foreign language and take a part-time job, it will be useless to each other, but it will waste money and energy.

So this is still a question of core interests.

In marriage, girls only contribute to the family, such as giving birth, doing housework, honoring parents, making money, providing sexual services and emotional services. These are the core values! Of course, so do men. The core value of men lies in making more money and providing sexual services.

Most couples quarrel because their own interests are harmed. Especially money and time.

I went outside as a part-time piano teacher, earning thousands more every month, and my boyfriend began to praise me. I went to the beauty salon to do several projects and spent a sum of money. My boyfriend is starting to think I'm screwing around. I took the exam once, spent a huge exam fee, and my boyfriend opened BB. Then, because I passed the exam and got a good job, my boyfriend was happy. Again, the boyfriends here are all different. Don't say why he is so scum. And this is just an example, you can substitute all kinds of small things in life)

Then you must ask, in that case, I will become excellent and useful, and will eventually be rejected and regarded as a burden. Indeed, Excellence means that you have to make great efforts (time, money and energy), and your contribution to your family will be reduced, but! Your Excellence can attract others at first, and this is value. Even if you finally want to go back to your family, you will be rejected, tossed, wasted and ignored. But if you don't toss it at first, you won't even be qualified to be rejected. (Feeling miserable? )

Besides, even if you get married, can you promise not to divorce? If it is not excellent, who will take over the offer in the future? hahaha. For example, if I don't practice piano, I will cook for my boyfriend. What about after the breakup? How can I attract my next boyfriend? The initial value of the piano is higher than that of cooking, which is suitable for bargaining. In the long-term marriage, cooking is more valuable to the family than piano. )

Does that family have skills that can't be rejected? Yes! Cooking! Have a baby! Sweep the floor and wash clothes! Sleep for him! But are you happy?

Then there is an ultimate skill! Make money! Both men and women.

Because money is the common interest of both sides, you earn more for him and he earns more for you. And you are happy yourself.

A little off topic, ie there is no logic in saying where I am going. Some women think that if I find a man who is not as good as me, I will definitely hold him in my hand and do nothing at home. A woman who thinks like this is naive. According to what I said earlier, the core interests will change. We should pay attention to the core interests of the last family member, not the initial one.

At first, he may be attracted by your beauty, your versatility, your good family conditions and your decent job.

However, after a long period of running-in, what are the ultimate core interests of family members?

Only when you pay for each other can they be satisfied. Otherwise, no matter how excellent you are at first, if you don't meet the above core interests, you will eventually be rejected.

This is why many girls will say that they turned a blind eye to him at the beginning. At first, my mother had a bunch of spare tires, and he was the worst. I thought he would be nice to me for it. What happened? This is the stupidity of girls, who fail to grasp the core interests of their families and use their own conditions to bully others. For example, if a girl with good family conditions marries a poor young man, if the woman's parents do not provide a house, but use good conditions to open a higher bride price, then the woman's good conditions will harm the man's interests.

Some girls who marry rich people are very smart. They know each other's core interests and don't play with those empty ones. For example, the younger sister of milk tea, with beauty and education as her initial attraction, married Liu. So what's the core interest of Liu? To have children, to accompany Liu, to create topics and to advertise. Some girls don't like it and think they are attached to each other. Actually, I don't appreciate this, because in this case, you can't get a divorce, because you have no value to yourself.

So if you want to ask, is there a solution to this situation? No, contradictions are always contradictions, and conflicts of interest cannot be changed. Playing the piano can't cook, you can't save money if you want to be beautiful, it takes time to get in good shape and so on. But we can find a balance. Each of us should be more tolerant, more communicative and more understanding.

For example, men want beautiful wives, but they don't want their wives to go to beauty salons to buy skin care products and clothes. Do you think you are a fairy? If you want your wife to be beautiful every day, you have to spend more money Don't force it. Few women in the world are born beautiful and don't need maintenance. Just like a man's eight-pack abdominal muscles, can you have it without exercise? It's impossible.

So do women. If you want your husband to make more money, then he certainly won't have much time to do housework. You want him to earn more money, do more housework and take care of children. Do you think he is superman?

Then we need to be clear about what interests our actions are touching each other. For example, boys play games and girls watch idol dramas, which touches the core interests of the family (cool and useless to each other). These are all obvious.

My whole article mainly wants to talk about things that are not obvious, but many people don't realize, that is, things that seem to be beneficial to each other, but they are not.

I learn piano, spend money and time, I get promoted, and the other person is not good. I teach piano, I make money, which is good for both of us.

I exercise, have a good figure, and my sexual needs are met, but the benefits are offset by spending money and time.

I beautify my face to meet some sexual needs, but I spend money and time. If I spend too much money, it will hurt each other's interests.

I cook (not including cooking, but only home cooking, that is, I don't get promoted and work repeatedly) to meet each other's needs, but it hurts my interests.

I do housework to meet each other's needs and hurt my own interests.

I get up early in the morning to put on makeup to satisfy my own interests and hurt the interests of the other party (because he has seen you without makeup, makeup is only for outsiders to see, and you can't provide sexual needs after going out).

So family marriage is to find a balance between your interests and the interests of the other party.

God knows what I said! What a mess!