In 2007 or 2008, there was an article "Jinse" in Germination magazine. Who can help me find this article?

Golden color (novel)

"I want to know why my Jinse has 50 strings, and each string represents youth like a flower ..." I seem to see her again in the children's reading. Leaning sideways, she turned around, smiled at me and said, "Remember this poem, and you will remember your aunt. Wei Wei, will you always remember your aunt? "

"Yes, my aunt." When I was young, I simply answered without thinking.

"... a moment that should last forever has come and gone before I know it. "In Lang Lang's reading, I settled down to carefully recall her face. I was surprised to find that she had gone far after all. In my heart, her figure is still wandering, but the outline is not clear. Time is constantly adding color to the increasingly blurred face of the deceased. I finally forgot her exact appearance.

Her name is Jinse.

Mother always just calls her "Aunt Liu". I call her "Aunt Liu"

(2)

After my grandfather died, my parents who were still in the country tried their best to get me back to my hometown in the city when I was five years old. The house is very big, just me and her.

I have just returned to my old house and I am not used to sleeping alone. When the lights were turned off at night, the darkness of despair suddenly flooded into the bedroom. Layers of black, even my breath seems to be in the dark. I am in the dark, as if I will be melted by the darkness. I clung to the quilt and resisted the darkness with the only thing I could catch.

Besides darkness, the silence of the old house at night also scares me. Sometimes in dreams, I am suddenly awakened by the tinnitus coming from the inner ear. If the sharp tinnitus rumbles like a sharp blade, it will divide my consciousness into small pieces. Finally, the sound spread from the ear to the heart, like a thunderbolt, crashing to split me in half, so I woke up in pain.

"Mother-in-law ..."

I walked barefoot through the corridor and sobbed and ran to my aunt's bedroom. I climbed into my aunt's big bed, and a pair of warm hands immediately stretched out from the darkness, wrapped around my waist and dragged me into the quilt with a strong warm fragrance. My aunt who likes to smoke clothes with fragrant wood beads has a faint woody smell. I was resting on menstruation's arm, listening to her long and continuous voice. The fear of darkness disappeared in her fresh voice. The layers of darkness suddenly changed their faces and gently and sincerely urged me to sleep.

In the morning, I like watching my aunt comb her hair best. My aunt's hair is very long, hanging to her waist, sparse and gray. The ox bone comb slowly slipped through her long hair and dragged down her gray hair. She always carefully pulls out the roots of falling hair wrapped around her comb teeth and wraps it in her hands. She will put it in a tight black wooden jewelry box. "After the hair is almost lost, you can fill it in the bun."

While combing her hair, she taught me to recite ancient poems. The most common one is the Jinse.

Aunt, I want to know why my Jinse has fifty strings, but its voice is soft.

"Every flower has a youthful interval." I fiddled with her hair while processing her poems. "Mermaids shed pearl-like tears on the moon-green sea, and the blue fields breathe their jadeite to the sun."

I recited all the poems and combed my aunt's hair.

"Wei Wei, this is the name of the old woman-Jinse, remember?"

"Remember, does my name have a poem?"

"Yes," picking EU ". I left yesterday, Willo Yiyi. I want to come today, it's raining. "

"Woman, you read, you read it again. Grandma, you should also remember my name and my poem. " I looked up and became serious.

"Women remember. Silly girl. I left yesterday, Willo Yiyi. Today, I think it's raining heavily. When you grow up and leave your grandmother in the future, will you come back to see her as soon as she reads this poem? "

"good! You should read it aloud. If it's too far, I'm afraid I can't hear it. " I frowned.

Aunt smiled and put her arms around me with a sad face.

When the weather is fine, my aunt will open several big boxes in the attic to show the sky. Most of the boxes are full of ancient books. There is a small one, which is full of clothes: golden thread embroidered with phoenix peony, water green raw silk cheongsam, silver satin shawl ... Beautiful silk woven objects, stained with the strong smell of camphor wood, vaguely smelling the cold soap hidden by time. I spread it out one by one and put it on my body with great joy.

"Silly girl, sweaty, don't get dirty!" My aunt scolded, but there was a smile in her eyes. "Well, this green cheongsam was my favorite when I was a child."

I watched her unfold the green silk cheongsam, gestured at her body and hurriedly put it away. I giggled. When will menstruation walk out of the green silk cheongsam and never go back?

"Aunt, I want it." Pick up the cheongsam cover again. Long silk robes mop the floor.

"Oh, my aunt fought hard and picked up the hem of the cheongsam and peeled it off me.

A few years later, my parents also returned to the city and moved back to their hometown. I looked at my parents who suddenly reappeared in front of me, but I was separated. I hold menstruation's hand tightly, and my palms are sweaty, but I won't let go.

Mom came back, tidied up the old house and decorated it. Except for my aunt's camphor box, all the sundries in the attic were moved to the storage room.

"Liu Yi, some things, throw the box for decades useless, occupy the place. Finally, we must get rid of it ... "My mother mentioned it to my aunt several times intentionally or unintentionally. Finally, the camphor box was moved from the attic to the guest room, and finally to the storage room where the sundries were placed.

"Be careful, that wooden box …" My aunt hesitated. "Throw it away."

Mother asked the workers to clean up and move the boxes out. My aunt suddenly got up, opened one of the wooden cases and fumbled for the water-green silk cheongsam.

Mom said that when I grow up, I shouldn't disturb my aunt at night.

"Later, don't always go to my aunt's house to sleep at night. Sleep by yourself! " My mother's face is very cold, and I can't see the stars in her black eye pupil, which separates me from me reflected in her eye pupil.

At night, I bury my head in the quilt. In the quilt, the darkness is boundless. My breath under the quilt weighs heavily on my heart. I firmly grasped the corner of the quilt, opened my eyes wide, and completely isolated myself from the darkness outside the quilt, but my fear of the darkness outside the quilt was like water.

"Mother-in-law ..." I lifted the quilt and jumped out of bed. I want to run barefoot to my aunt's bedroom, but I dare not. A group of us sat on the bed, crying in the dark. I don't know what to do except cry.

"Why are you crying?" Mother came out of the bedroom angrily and asked.

"I'm afraid."

My aunt woke up in shock.

"Come, come, sleep with my aunt."

I looked at her and just cried. In the darkness, a vague shadow slowly approached me. I can smell the fresh smell of wood on her. The smell reassured me. I held out my hand to her.

"Sleep by yourself! Such a big man! Aunt Liu, don't spoil her. "

With a sigh, the warm shadow left, and the cold wooden roots lingered for a long time in the darkness.

(3)

Aunt Liu, my mother always calls her that.

I know, my grandmother has flattened into a thin photo, which is in my mother's bedroom drawer. I stared at the woman wearing a floral cheongsam in the photo countless times, watching her smile freeze out of time, and looking at her eyes is somewhat similar to my aunt's. I wonder if she has wood as heavy as my aunt.

Mother and aunt respect each other as guests. I can feel the gap between them. The indifference between them is that my mother wiped the bookshelf arranged by my aunt without saying a word; It is my mother who cooks rice porridge alone and doesn't eat the pasta cooked by my aunt. It was my aunt who pointed out my mother's Nanyang accent with a smile, while my mother wearily interrupted the ancient poems my aunt taught me to recite. ......

I walked between my mother and aunt in confusion, and gradually got used to thinking alone. I lay by the well in the yard for a long time and looked down at the well. The well was quiet, and I could vaguely see my eyes, looking out from the dark well. The sun shines directly on the well only at some time in the summer afternoon, casting a green beam at the bottom of the well. Under the green light beam, I caught a glimpse of the uneven shaft wall and uneven bottom hidden under the calm water. The light beam is fleeting, the world under the well surface suddenly disappears, and the water surface is as calm as a mirror. For me, the adult world is as mysterious as the world at the bottom of the well.

(4)

After learning a few words at school, I often hide in my aunt's room to read. Mother doesn't like her children's old-fashioned reading pictures. She frowned when she saw that I was silent all day, holding a book. And I was afraid of provoking her, but when I walked into menstruation's room and smelled a faint book fragrance, I was relieved. My aunt never blames me. There are countless books in her room, which are neatly placed on the shelves. My aunt keeps all the illustrated books on the ground floor where I can get them.

"Is it possible for this child to grow up to be full of poems like A Jin three old ladies?" An ignorant neighbor said so.

"Go out and run more, don't stay in mom's room and play with other children." My mother frowned and took the book away from me. "Go out, go out to play." She waved her hand as if she were chasing a disobedient fly. I stood still, staring at the book in her hand.

"Go out and play, do you hear?" She scolded me loudly.

I looked at her in tears and was at a loss.

"Vivian love reading is not a bad thing, you let her have a look. . . . . . "My aunt urged with a smile.

"No way. Go out to play! " Mother suddenly became angry.

My aunt suddenly fell silent. I rushed to my aunt and hugged her tightly. "This child, go, go, listen to your mother." She stroked my back and said softly. I didn't move, so I held her tightly.

"Well, if the child is quiet and loves reading, it is good for her to read." My aunt said softly.

Mother looked at me, and I was hugging her and gouging her out coldly. "Why do you always do things by temper?"

There must be something I don't understand. They are hidden in time, in mother's eyes and in the camphor box discarded by aunt.

/kloc-when I was 0/0 years old, my menstruation in Nanyang came back with my cousin after more than ten years' absence. After a few dozen loads, I saw my mother, holding her hand with tears in my menstruation, but I just greeted menstruation lightly, with ice in my words.

After staying for a few days, my cousin was surprised at my attachment to my aunt. "She is a fake grandma. Our own grandmother died a long time ago ... silly girl, do you know that she is a fake grandmother and still kiss her? "

I looked into my cousin's eyes and froze.

In the evening, my cousin shared my bed with me and said to me in a Nanyang accent as soft as my mother, "Grandpa is fascinated by her, otherwise our White House wouldn't be so miserable." Grandma was married for her grandfather by Azu of Nanyang. Grandpa didn't like it and married her as his second wife. After Joe died, my grandfather simply didn't come back, leaving my grandmother and my grandmother and aunt alone in Nanyang. She hasn't given birth for several years, and grandpa wants to take two daughters back to the mainland. My grandmother couldn't bear to leave, so she left one in Nanyang. If it weren't for her, grandma wouldn't have been separated from her aunt and sister for decades. My grandmother wouldn't hide from people and wipe her tears all day, and she died of lung disease early. If grandpa had stayed in Nanyang to run his ancestral business, where would there have been so much suffering later, and your mother would have been implicated. . . . . . "

"Grandpa doesn't go back to Nanyang, so you really don't care about your grandmother and grandmother?"

"well, at the beginning, I wrote to Nanyang ... later, the situation here changed and there was no news. We don't know whether we are dead or alive. . . . . "

"On the other hand, she was really brave, a female student, who dared to marry a businessman as a mistress against her parents at that time." The table suddenly added.

"So, is she a bad person?" My mind is a mess.

I held my breath and waited for my cousin to go on, but she yawned and stopped. After a while, her heavy breathing came from the pillow. I looked up at the window, and the heat of the day had dissipated. The night wind blew into the room and lifted the screen window, so when the screen window danced lightly, the blue sky suddenly appeared outside the window. I lay in bed, holding my heart and waiting again and again, waiting for the window screen to rise.

After cousin menstruation left, I asked menstruation, "Grandma, are you a good person or a bad person?"

"What do you say?" She doesn't look at me. Close her eyes.

I kept asking questions and insisted on knowing the answer.

......

(5)

I'm leaving my aunt. Aunt's story, after the appearance of aunt and cousin, once again spread among parents, relatives and neighbors. The protagonist of the story is an abstract syllable, parasitic between their lips and teeth. I was horrified to find that she had changed the outline of my heart, but there was nothing I could do.

I was silent and quietly hid in my aunt's book. I rummaged through all the illustrated books in my aunt's room, and even without illustrations, I read a lot alive. In my aunt's book, I am no longer afraid. There are ink scents that I am familiar with, stories that hold my breath, and poems that I know by heart.

The Dragon Boat Festival is here. Aunt and mother put zongzi leaves, glutinous rice, meat stuffing and shrimp together. After wrapping zongzi, my mother warned me: "son, you can't eat more." You can only eat one! Eat too much and don't digest! "

I ate a zongzi and looked up at my aunt. "Mother-in-law ..." My tears trickled down and I stared at the tempting zongzi in front of me in frustration. She relented and gave me a quick wink. As soon as my mother came out of the restaurant, she secretly stuffed some big zongzi into my hand. I ate happily, one after another.

"Stop eating, enough, enough!" My aunt stopped me in a hurry.

I shook off her hand and covered my head. I really hurt my stomach and can't get up in bed. Under my mother's questioning, I confessed my aunt at once. "It's my mother-in-law, let me eat ..." Mother's face sank.

"Know vivian gastrointestinal weakness. Aunt, you ... "

Menstruation embarrassedly rubbed his hands, looked at me and asked for help.

"I don't want to eat, you give it to me. You gave me a few, "I said timidly, glancing at her secretly. I saw her eyes dim and got up to leave.

"You silly girl, she, she won't let you eat shit?" Seeing her leave, mother scolded her softly.

I nodded and said, "She is a fake grandmother. Cruel ... "Say that finish, I found that my mother looked behind me and her face suddenly changed. My aunt came into the room quietly, holding the digestion herbs picked from the yard. She gave me a silent look and then slowly left the room. If her eyes are cold, they will slide from my heart to my fingertips, and my fingers will suddenly get cold.

In the evening, I was lying on the bed in my bedroom, with a terrible stomachache. Painful teeth are everywhere, gnawing at my stomach and nerves. Vaguely heard menstruation's sobbing, at night, like cocoon silk, layer after layer, wrapped her sadness in the darkness. Finally, everything was quiet, and all the sobs and sighs disappeared without a trace. My consciousness, too, gradually fell into the endless silent night.

I woke up the next day and saw menstruation and his parents sitting at the dinner table. Sorrow is frozen ice, hidden in her eyes. My stomach still hurts.

(6)

My aunt is getting farther and farther away from me. Occasionally, the heavy woody plants in her body float into my dreams, as unreal as watching the moon through the curtains. She keeps a cat. At sunset, she sat on the couch on the balcony with her cat in her arms, and kept silent for a long time, watching the sunset and watching the sun lose heat a little.

Occasionally, I went to her room to look for books, took them and left.

One day, I saw the painted bodiless jewelry box in the trash can, and the lid was lifted to reveal slightly gray hair. I picked up the box, wiped the stains on it, hesitated, picked out the gray hair from the jewelry box, kneaded it into a ball and threw it into the trash can.

The last time I enjoyed the cool air with my aunt on the terrace was in midsummer. She lay in a rocking chair, shook the cattail leaf fan for me and recited a poem: "White clouds are gone, green maple is full of sorrow." Who will go boating tonight? Where do you miss Mingyue Building? Poor people wander upstairs for the moon, so they should leave someone to fill the mirror. I couldn't roll in the curtain of Yuhu Lake, so I had to smash it on the anvil and give it back. "

I was lying on a long bamboo chair, listening to her poems and watching the moon in the sky, which changed from pure and gentle yellow at birth to lonely and cold silver quietly.

"Aunt, you cut your hair, I don't know you. Are you an old aunt? " I suddenly said. The moonlight shone on her face and she sighed.

"I'm not, Vivian, you are not the former Vivian. Wei Wei has grown up. "

Her eyes took back from me and looked up at the moon overhead again. For a long time, she suddenly asked me in a weak voice, "Wei Wei, when you grow up, will you still remember when your mother-in-law taught you to read poetry?"

I nodded at once.

"Wei Wei, I want to go home."

"home? Isn't this your home? "

"My aunt's home is in Jiangning, which is far away."

"Well, then why did you come here?" I suddenly hardened my heart and looked at her defiantly.

She froze and looked down at my eyes. I stared at her eyes in the moonlight in the dark, and I couldn't see clearly in the fog. For a long time, she turned her head, looked up at the full moon and whispered, "Wei Wei, people still have to listen to their own wishes." It doesn't matter if your body is wronged, don't wronged your own heart. "In her eye pupil, Leng Yue is reflected, and she dances.

"Do you regret it?" I suddenly asked this sentence, and even I was surprised. From the conversation of adults, I vaguely know that my aunt's family is also a wealthy family in Jiangning, and my ancestors worked as an academician. After being the second wife of the White House, she was ashamed to go back to her mother's family. Before she died, her old mother was still waiting for her to go back.

"No, my heart is what I want, and I don't regret it." She smiled. "Wei Wei, will you miss your aunt when I leave?" She looked at me with waiting eyes.

"I don't want to" I looked at her with a smile.

"Really?" She frowned and touched my head with her hand.

I also frowned. Half of what I said is true. My aunt is no longer the old aunt. She has come out of the warm shadow in my memory that makes me extremely attached. Just like her, she has come out of the green silk cheongsam and can't go back. I suddenly felt very sad and bowed my head. "Yes, I'll think about it a little."

Moonlight slid over her rocking chair like water, spread on my bamboo chair, and left a white mark on my barefoot, and suddenly disappeared, I don't know where it disappeared. I looked at the moon overhead, and my eyelids became heavier and heavier.

"Oblique moon hides sea fog, and Jieshi Xiaoxiang is infinite. I don't know how many people go home every month, and the moon shakes the river tree. " Her voice is getting lighter and farther away, leaving my heart gradually. . . . . .

(7)

My aunt is determined to go back to her hometown. She talked with her mother all night. Their words, wandering in the dark, wisps, sometimes floated into my ears, and sometimes disappeared.

"I'll go back ... and bury your parents. Your mother has waited long enough. I know, the last time your sister came, she brought back your mother's ashes ... I will accompany my old mother later ... "

In the next few days, my aunt began to pack things.

"This, Vivian, you wanted it when you were a child. Wei Wei, do you want it now? " She took out a water-green silk cheongsam.

"Well," I took the cheongsam and hung it on my body. The hem of the cheongsam is draped over my ankle, which makes me itch.

"Wei Wei, you are old ..." She looked at me with deep eyes and twinkling stars shaking. "Vivian in a few years, is a beautiful girl. Mother-in-law is afraid of not seeing ... "She smiled gently. Laughter is still between your lips and teeth, and it comes to an abrupt end.

My aunt left.

My aunt's cat Xiaobai cried for several days. Squatting in my aunt's chair, my beautiful eyes stared at me. "Silly cat, my mother-in-law is not coming back." I want to hug him. He turns around and jumps out of his chair. Howling, I walked forward, not far away, squatted down again and looked at me with wide eyes.

(8)

My grandmother's photo has been taken from the drawer of my mother's bedroom and hung in a prominent position in my mother's study. The woman in the portrait is dressed in a simple and elegant small floral cheongsam, with a graceful posture and a pair of beautiful eyes staring at the front under slender eyebrows.

I took out menstruation's black bodiless wooden jewelry box, and my eyes faintly reflected on the dark box surface. I regret throwing away my aunt's hair.

My aunt fell ill soon after she went back. Her nephew takes care of her. Mother sends her money regularly every month. My mother and I send money to my aunt together. I saw a few thin bills swishing through the fingers of the bank lady, and the image of my aunt in my memory gradually thinned into bills.

"I wrote to you again, saying that my blood pressure is high again this month ... and I have to send money to my nephew, how to take care of him ..."

"So ... let my mother-in-law come back ..." I said timidly.

Mother was silent for a long time.

I swallowed water. bow/lower/hang one's head

The new year is coming. Mom bought a bunch of greeting cards. I stood by excitedly, picked out the most beautiful ones and handed them to my mother in turn to write greeting cards. The last one left, a gaudy crimson background, lively red flowers and red eyes. Mother frowned and couldn't remember who to send it to.

"This is for my mother-in-law." I asked my mother softly.

"Well, you write it." Mother stood up without thinking.

I neatly wrote "Happy Holidays!" On the greeting card. I can't think of anything to write. My palms are all sweaty and the greeting card pad is wet.

I wrote my name in Weiwei's signature.

(9)

My aunt wrote back with a few crooked words and lay awkwardly on the paper: "I'll go there, Yangliuyi." Today I think of it, it's raining. "If I receive a hot soldering iron and put the letter in the drawer, it won't be long before the letter disappears.

My aunt's cat Xiaobai gave birth to a kitten. After the full moon, my father threw away the kitten.

Xiao Bai, the cat, opens her eyes every day and cries to me for a kitten. Later, it stopped crying and slipped away from me. Soon I found its belly bulging again, and I panicked inexplicably. Then his stomach was flat, but I didn't see the cat. Within a week, it was dead. It is said that he ate something from a drug rat by mistake and died in a ditch. At night, I vaguely heard the cat barking in the deserted yard next door.

"The cat is in the neighbor's house," I said to my father, but I didn't look him in the eye. Because I know it's no use, adults can't open the courtyard door locked next door for a long time to save the cat.

At night, I looked for the crying cat with my heart. After they cried for several nights, there was no sound.

My aunt died soon after receiving the reply. It was particularly cold during the Spring Festival that year. I hid at home and read under a quilt. My feet are so cold that I can't keep warm for a long time. The sound of firecrackers outside the window is constant. I got up and put my nose against the cold glass window. The hot air blurred the window and blocked my view. I used my index finger to write on the window glass: golden golden golden. ......

The book spread out on the table reads the poem "Jinse" that I am already familiar with:

I want to know why my Jinse has fifty strings, and each string has a youthful interval.

Zhuangzi daydreaming, a saint, was bewitched by butterflies, and cuckoo crowed in the imperial spring.

Mermaids shed pearl-like tears on the moon-green sea, and the blue fields breathed their jade to the sun.

A moment that should last forever has come and gone before I know it.

There are colored pictures on the poem page. Bad brushwork and gaudy colors hurt my eyes.

Then I began to dream: I went into the abandoned yard next door to look for cats. I opened the back yard door of the vine next door and rushed into the dusty and dark building. The kitten's cry is faint and looming. But I still can't find the cat. I heard my heartbeat and the cat barking, up and down, scared and helpless.

I have broken into this dream countless times. Long dream, 6 years later, I 18 years old, only then had the ending. The door next door opened and a strange woman came out. She told me that the cat was dead, so keep the change. I breathed a sigh of relief as if I already knew the answer.

I understand that some things cannot be changed. Time goes by, past lives, behind us, at our feet, inch by inch solidified.

Forget it.

(Postscript)

When I volunteered for the college entrance examination, my elders insisted that I study business, but I still insisted on applying for my favorite Chinese major. After graduation, I became a middle school Chinese teacher.

"You study Chinese, deal with words all your life, be poor all your life, and you will regret it later." They said to me.

"I want what I want and I won't regret it." I heard her voice in an empty place.

On Qingming Day that year, I went to my aunt's hometown. I brought a big bouquet of her favorite white camellia.

"Well, that's aunt's grave. Aunt always said that you were closest to her. I was still chanting your name when I left. " Her nephew accompanied me, making excuses for one build and another.

"Aunt said you would definitely come to see her." He squatted down and pulled out the weeds by the grave. The uprooted grass lifted the soil, and the faint smell of soil filled it. I stared at his mouth moving, and the sound came from his mouth, but it just slipped through my eardrum and could not reach my heart.

I stroked the cold big word "Liu Jinse" on the tombstone. In a trance, I saw that many, many years ago, the woman wearing a water-green raw silk cheongsam looked deeply:

"I left yesterday, willow, a.. Today I think about it, it's raining ... "

A broken halberd stabbed me in the heart. A bunch of white camellia slipped from my hand. The woman in time suddenly disappeared. Falling flowers fly all over the sky, and the fragments of memory disappear like smoke.