30 wonderful stories made me laugh instantly.

First, when you put on the wedding dress of love, I also put on the monk's cassock.

Second, I am a human being and you are a dog. How can you go with me?

Third, how to say the dialogue, the expression is not sad. How to write a story so that the ending will not be lonely? What can I do to make love happy?

Four, some people have passed, you can't forget her, it doesn't mean you still love her, just cherish or miss the beauty at that time.

Fifth, people with feelings, every day is a holiday. A cold and warm sentence, a noisy line; A reminder, a handed note; A lovesickness, looking forward to it with one heart; A love, a lifelong love.

The most sad thing is not the tears that flow out, but the tears that swirl in your eyes.

Eight, everyone needs someone to talk openly with him. Although a person can be brave, he can also be lonely.

Nine, people had better not miss two things, the last bus home and a person who loves you deeply.

Ten, challenging life is my choice without regret, and winning the college entrance examination is my unremitting pursuit.

Eleven, work hard, live more exciting, more exciting! Try to be someone who can't let people leave you. Without you, the brightest star, even the sun, would be lost in the sky of ta. Of course, you don't live for others. When you come to this world, you have the responsibility to be the most beautiful and best of yourself.

Twelve, loneliness, because, in order to wait for someone, you forget all the people waiting for you …

Thirteen, I'm sorry I don't have your story.

14. Parting and reunion are dramas that are constantly staged in life. If you get used to it, you will no longer be sad.

Fifteen, tired, squat down and hug yourself, or stubbornly say, that's it.

Sixteen, it is a smile that can make me cry and make me exchange my life.

Seventeen, some people can't say what is good, but no one can replace it!

Eighteen, AtrulyhappypersonehocanejoyThescenerywillowonadour A truly happy person is the kind of person who never forgets to enjoy the scenery when taking a detour.

Nineteen, open your palm to the sky, there is sunshine in your palm, that is the smile when I miss you; There are raindrops in the palm of your hand, which are the tears I miss you occasionally. ...

Twenty, familiar songs are forgotten after a long time, and familiar people become strangers without contact.

Twenty-one, some people meet too early, and some people meet too late. However, some people should never meet in their whole lives.

When I am a kite, you can either let me go or take me home. Don't bind me with an invisible emotion, it will break my heart.

23. Please care and comfort yourself with love; Entertain yourself with happiness and comfort; Warm your heart and love yourself. Only by caring for yourself can we love our family better. I wish you health, peace and happiness!

Twenty-four, the most important thing for people is a stable and peaceful attitude, so why bother yourself. What we can do is to face, accept, deal with, let go, adjust our hearts and infect life with kindness and love. The hardest time is when we are not far from success.

Twenty-five or three years of hard work and a happy life.

Twenty-six, the taste of missing someone is like drinking a large glass of ice water and then turning it into tears for a long time.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

I didn't like you when you liked me, I began to like you when you fell in love with me, and I fell in love with you when you left me.

Twenty-nine, when forced to be in the crowd, it is often the most lonely time.

A person can fall in love with many people in his life. After you get the happiness that really belongs to you, you will understand that the pain together is actually a kind of wealth, so that you can learn to better grasp and cherish the people you love.

30 wonderful and funny quotations _ Laugh and spray

1, I forced the courier. Today, there was a courier named Grandpa.

This is not for LZ to call and ask if you are: grandpa. Obviously taking advantage of LZ. I'm not stupid either.

What's your courier's name as soon as the phone calls?

He said grandpa. LZ gave a long well. By the way ... there's a delivery for you.

2. Goddess: Call me Queen. Diaosi: Eight Empresses.

Goddess: What about you, pig? Just two words. Diaosi: Tortoise!

3. I am a male, dating, and invited a girl to eat KFC for 45 yuan. I took out a bill of 100 yuan to the cashier.

The girl said I had small change. Today is my treat!

The cashier took the fifty she handed me, but she took my 100 yuan back and stuffed it into her bag. .

The cashier and I were stunned and at a loss. . .

4. In the afternoon, my father scolded me .. Then he got emotional and slapped me in the face. At that time, I wanted to ease the atmosphere.

I mean, dad, are you hungry? Let me get you something to eat.

At that time, it is said that you didn't eat?

Then I was slapped hard.

The father took his son to buy cold medicine. Because they are acquaintances, the drugstore owner asked, how can you catch a cold?

Father said: That's the boy, kicking the quilt at night.

Unexpectedly, my son retorted that it was not me. It was you who arched the quilt and made me catch a cold.

6. I just saw a man take a taxi to find his girlfriend at the intersection. Before leaving, the man said, don't worry, I wrote down the license plate!

The driver was furious: Cao, are you fucking insulting my taste? !

7. Went to eat hot pot with my girlfriend. I pointed to the pot and said, look, this hot pot is just like us!

She nodded: well, I am as hot as a spicy pot, and you are as cold as a clear soup pot!

I shook my head: no, I am the spicy one, and you are the one next to spicy.

This meal is a farewell dinner!

8. A sister paper in the office just got off the phone and broke up with the male ticket.

Immediately shouted: I want to be a queen, and I want seventy-two concubines in three palaces and six hospitals.

A colleague in the corner floated faintly: that's not the queen, that's the actress!

The whole office burst into laughter.

9. It was cold, so I went to the bathhouse to take a bath and found that the junior high school teacher who hadn't seen each other for more than ten years also came down to check out.

I wanted to pay the bill for him, but he refused, so he threw it away 100 and said to pay the bill.

The beauty shop clerk said, sir, there is not enough money. Your consumption is 15 and his consumption is 3 13.

I was drunk, too, and when I turned around, I found the teacher missing.

10. Today, my mother took me to see two sisters. One is a first-class figure, but unfortunately she is too hard and has fangs.

I can't stand smiling; The other face is absolutely first-class, goddess level, but it is a fat girl.

I've been thinking about which one to choose since I came back. This is the event of a lifetime.

Never jump to conclusions. I stayed up all night for this.

The next morning, my mother came back from shopping and told me that neither of them had a crush on you.

1 1, having dinner with an idiot friend. He just became a father and showed off in an ostentatious manner with me:

My son looks exactly like me.

[Funny joke] I was about to answer when Aunt Ordering looked at him with sympathetic eyes:

Child, it doesn't matter if you are ugly, just be healthy and lively.

12, when the girl who has a crush on her confessed to her, she simply pushed it against the wall and bullied and said, I will support you in the future.

Say that finish, kiss her, and don't give her a chance to refuse and think.

That's what I did. I have been to the police station several times.

13, when I was in junior high school, I helped my buddy deliver letters to the girls in the next class. After the girl received it, she threw it into the trash can without looking.

I quickly explained that I didn't write it, and the girl picked it up.

14, after the exam today, classmate A came out of the classroom and classmate B asked her: How was the exam?

A classmate said: It's so easy. Classmate B said after listening, really?

A classmate swears: Shit, I won't take the exam anywhere.

15, the anniversary of the company, signed up for all kinds of roasted whole sheep, jiaozi, a weak brother said,

I can only cook raw rice into cooked rice, and the group is quiet in an instant. .

16. A buddy went to work in the morning and bought a baked sweet potato before breakfast.

There were no seats on the bus, so I stuffed sweet potatoes into my fart pocket.

After catching up with the empty seat, the buddy quickly stepped forward and sat in the seat.

At this time, I only heard a slight muffled sound, and a large piece of brown sweet potato pulp was squeezed out from my ass.

Still steaming slightly.

17, Cao Cao took his son Cao Chong to visit Liu Bei.

Cao Cao went to the door and shouted: Cao Cao came to visit with his youngest son!

Liu Bei: Oh dear. Come as soon as you come. What fruit did you bring?

18, I went to the newly-opened canteen for dinner at noon, washed my hands and turned on the tap as usual, but there was no water.

Aunt in the canteen said: The faucet is ringing here! Me: Hi-tech!

Then I clap my hands, and there is still no water, ah! Ah! I called twice, but there was still no water.

I saw my aunt twist her head and shout the boiling water valve to the operating room inside!

19, dare to ask what kind of woman is a real woman. God replied: there is no inflation.

20. When the recruits went out for training, a recruit saw six stars on a uniformed shoulder by the roadside.

I was shocked by six stars and gave a military salute to show my respect.

It was a slap in the face when the platoon leader ran over. It's property security to pay homage to fart.

2 1, I chatted with my friend yesterday, and she said she went to the cinema to see the educated youth.

Seeing Ruan Wan running to pick up Zhao Shiyong, she was hit by a car, and the cinema was very quiet.

Just listen to a couple in front, the man said to the woman: See?

This is what happens when you find your ex-boyfriend!

22. When I was a child, I once went to the field to collect rice and saw a neighbor burying something in the field.

I hid, and when he left, I ran to see what he had buried.

Shit, dig a shit, you big ye, shit and you bury your big ye! !

23. A clever mother will teach her children to call their father first, and then you will feel very happy and loving.

But the experience in winter is more profound. The child wakes up in the middle of the night and calls his father.

Then his mother will kick you and say that the child calls you Ni.

24. I always thought I was good-looking and not ugly.

To this day, there is an empty seat next to me on the bus.

More than a dozen girls passed by, and none of them wanted to sit next to me. My heart was suddenly enlightened.

25. When I was in college. I'm shopping with my girlfriend, and she wants to buy a huge plush bear!

I don't think it's practical or expensive! I didn't buy it.

As a result, a thin man was waiting for her at the school gate with a stuffed bear in his arms the next day!

She proudly showed off to me that if you don't buy it for me, someone will buy it. You scared me!

From then on, I tried to buy whatever she wanted!

Once you don't buy it, the man will appear at the school gate with something the next day!

I didn't know until I went to my girlfriend's house today! That man turned out to be his brother!

26, the so-called finger belly for marriage is

Pointing at his girlfriend's belly, he said to his parents, Dad, Mom, we are getting married.

27. I met my friend in the street today and saw a blood mark on his neck.

I was surprised and asked, what happened? Who did it?

The friend said in distress situation: You are right, you can't buy a fake gold necklace!

Ya's quality is so good that I was robbed by thieves when I rode my bike to the street, damn it,

I dragged it for a long time and almost strangled me.

28. When I had no money, every time I went to eat hot pot, I thought about how much it cost when I ordered food.

Now that I finally have money, when I go to eat hot pot again,

Don't bother: I use the calculator on my mobile phone directly.

29, a friend asked me to borrow money, I said this is easy to say, I am a master of less than ten dollars.

More than ten dollars must be discussed with the wife.

Didn't he say you didn't have a wife? I said, so it's not negotiable. friends. . .

30. When I was a child, I posted a dynamic in space today, saying: I dropped my mobile phone, but fortunately it didn't break.

The following comments: Your height saved it.

30 Classic Funny Quotations _ Laugh and Spray

1, Lord Bao and Zhan Zhao went to Africa to play and met a group of black-faced cannibals. Cannibals not only refused to eat two people, but also shook hands with Lord Bao and brought human flesh to Lord Bao. Lord Bao is very confused. Zhan Zhao said, my Lord, cannibals regard you as their distant relative.

My friend said that he would drive me home. After getting on the bus, he habitually lit a cigarette. My friend pinched my cigarette and said, don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke. I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke.

3. My brother took the subway and sat next to a strange aunt. The mobile phone rang, and my aunt answered the phone and said to the phone brightly, Ah, I am very busy tonight. My car broke down and I was taking the subway. I found a handsome duck. I'm going to check in! The crowded car immediately quieted down. I glanced at my aunt next to me and turned around to find that the whole car was staring at me.

My roommate of four years only ate her and gave us five people an orange. This is really an orange. Snacks are always taken to bed by yourself, and then get out of bed after eating. Everyone in the dormitory charged two yuan for electricity. My roommate said that we used her electricity, so we shouldn't ask her to pay. Give her money! More importantly ... I once saw five audis in her camera! Five cars! There are cameras at home!

I have a strong taste and like salt. One day, my roommate asked me: What does the product mean? I ignored him (he likes to ask strange questions) and casually said that it meant eating. Roommate nodded while thinking, like this. A few days later, my girlfriend came to the dormitory to chat with me, and my roommate was lying in bed reading. When I was talking with my girlfriend about taste, she asked me: What is your taste? As soon as my girlfriend finished speaking, my roommate put down the book and sat up to answer. He always emphasized taste. I suddenly turned blue.

6. Coach: Relax, don't be nervous. Well, I'm not nervous. My friend said that he treated the coach next to him like a dog during the exam.

7. Doctor: Why can't I find my pen? I want to write you a prescription. The patient quietly reminded: doctor, you put it under my arm!

8. I have graduated for many years. Today is Teachers' Day. Teacher, I miss you very much. You have worked hard. I have returned the knowledge you taught me to you. When do you think I can get my tuition back? Let me buy an iphone6s!

9. The two of them went to buy clothes. The wife hesitates between thick clothes and thin clothes. She didn't know which was better, so she asked her husband, which do you think is better? Husband said: if you can wash clothes, buy thick ones. The wife smiled and called to the boss: Wrap this thin one for me.

10, after drinking with friends at night, take a taxi home by yourself. As soon as I got on the taxi, the driver asked me, young man, have you been drinking? I'm a little surprised: yo! Master, your nose is smart enough to smell my wine? The driver said, smell your sister! Get off my roof first!

1 1. Wife: You just watch TV and don't even care if the faucet is broken. The water flooded your home. Come and have a look. Husband: What are you looking at? What channel is it on?

12, I met a beggar when I went out and asked me for money, saying that I hadn't eaten for several days. I just bought steamed bread with my change, and I gave him two poor ones. Damn it, he said I sent beggars. Isn't he a beggar?

13. Today, a buddy cut a meatball and joked with him: I just got out of prison! He looked at me and said, are you trying to force me to go to jail again? Then I was silent.

14, a girl and sister want 140 kg. Every night, they dance square dance with their aunts. They dragged me to see it yesterday and then asked me how it was. I said, I think you dance like a cygnet. She said: Really! I seem to have lost weight. I went on to say, it's a Little Swan drum washing machine.

15, I can't think of any gift for my wife's birthday at all. Not too expensive. Make her happy. Write her an anonymous love letter.

16, I was lying in the hospital bed and asked the nurse: Love is gone, affection is gone, friendship is gone, health is gone, money is gone, am I nothing? The nurse quickly whispered, how can you say that about yourself? I thought you weren't ready. . .

17, Mrs. Shana, who runs a fashion shop, has been very upset recently because the flower shop on the left has switched to fashion business. Not only is the pavement bigger than her own, but the competitor also posted an irritating signboard. Business here is the most cost-effective! . After wave after wave of turmoil, Mrs. Shana's heart has not been cleared, and the flower shop on the right side of the fashion shop has also started to do fashion business, and also played a slogan that dazzled Mrs. Shana. The price here is the cheapest! After thinking hard for several days, Mrs. Shana, who can't eat well and sleep well, finally came up with a countermeasure and hung a big entrance sign right above the door of her fashion shop.

18, I remember a drinking party with a female colleague. After drinking, my female colleague was also drunk and said that she wanted me to sleep with her at night. After listening to this, I slapped her and left her alone. I think she must be trying to steal 200 yuan from my pocket while I was asleep. I didn't expect her to be such a person. Bah!

19. Some time ago, in the physical examination of the unit, a colleague's fat blood vessels were not obvious. The doctor gave several injections and didn't draw blood. He said helplessly, Comrade, you are really ~ well, you are really strong, and your colleagues are also very practical. Doctor, I am not strong, but I am fat.

20. One day, I saw a buddy and said to him, Dude, are you still wearing your jeans? The buddy said: this is popular now, you know a line ball. I looked at his chrysanthemum and thought that city people really know how to play.

One day, the old lady and her wife watched TV together. After the advertisement, a beauty contest was broadcast. The old man blushed and got up and went into the house. The old lady smiled: this old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat upright in front of the TV, but his wife with glasses was nagging his wife: When did your ears get better? Husband: The day your throat started to get inflamed.

22. LZ came home from work at three o'clock yesterday morning. On the way, she met a young woman lying on the ground, wearing very revealing clothes. At first glance, I knew that she was working the night shift and was drunk. I think this is my chance. I went up and gave her a hand. Shit, the beauty turned and threw up all over me. I keep thinking, is she drunk or did she see my face throw up?

23. Wife: Just now at Lao Zhang's house, you drank five cups of tea in a row. Didn't you say you couldn't sleep at night after drinking tea? Husband: But if I don't drink fragrant tea that I can drink for free, I can't sleep at home.

After coming out of the hospital, I was depressed. Suddenly, a fortune teller stopped me: Sir, do you want to tell a fortune? I was in a bad mood at that time and yelled, you bird, I'll use you to calculate! The fortune teller just smiled and pinched his fingers. Yes, I'll call you a bird. Hey, hey, is your bird okay? I instantly bowed down: Master, how do you know? The master smiled: the so-called external strength is hollow, the appearance is strong, and the internal nature is weak. I asked, master, what should I do to get rid of my troubles? The master said: you should be weak in appearance, most like a false mother! I asked again: Can I be as hard as a fake mother? The master said, of course not! However, when the fake mother becomes a nuisance, she can live a happy life even if she can't get hard, so she won't worry! Me:

A: Boyfriends have everything, including a car, a house and a deposit. B: With a sigh, boyfriends have everything, including bicycles, rental houses and loans. C: With a sigh, boyfriends really have everything, even their wives.

26. Both men and women like to go to the park together on weekends. One day, I wandered around with my friends, and when I was tired, I sat on a long bench and chatted. Suddenly, my friend pointed in one direction and said, look, what's going on over there? Everyone looks in that direction. It turned out to be a couple hugging and kissing. So, a friend was upset, and it was outrageous to be so affectionate in broad daylight in public! I want to say something to him. Then, everyone suddenly began to discuss what to say in the past to separate them gracefully. # $ #% # @ (one breath! ) At this moment, I popped out: Will you go over and say to them: Open your mouth? Suddenly, there was laughter.

27. A second-rate friend recently bought a new fish tank, and then various friends showed off the fish he bought. Suddenly nothing happened these days. I called him and asked him. He told me that it was cold and I was afraid that the fish would freeze to death, so I bought a hot one and wanted to heat the water. As a result, I fell asleep and woke up to find that the fish were all cooked.

28. A buddy is from a car rental company. One day at noon, he went for a walk in the company. I asked him: Have you ever met a wonderful guest who rents a car to others every day? The goods looked at the yard and said that the car rented by the man early in the morning had not been poured out.

29. Yesterday, a female colleague of mine had a drink together. My female colleague told me that she was very happy and wanted to sleep on my shoulder. As she spoke, she leaned over and I was anxious on the spot. She slapped her face and said, damn it, I said I'd drink three cases. Whoever pays the bill first will go back on my word and want to eat the king's meal and roll my calf.

30. Early this morning, my girlfriend spoiled me: Dear, someone else's apple 6 accidentally fell to the ground and broke it. Don't worry, I took a Nokia out of my pocket and said, I'm ready for you. This is not afraid of falling.

Unparalleled beautiful sentences

1, love fire, or don't rekindle it. Once rekindled, those good memories of the past will go up in smoke. If we don't meet again, maybe I will miss him deeply and live together until my body rots; However, at this moment, I hate him. All the good days are gone forever.

2, just love, more like a beautiful and desolate gesture after a grand scene.

Love needs tolerance, but not connivance. So, once you find that a man has changed his mind, let him go. If you have that tolerance, you can clean your own, clean your own door, and sincerely invite him, and never-never come again.

4, however, the young lady is as cold as frost and snow. If the sun shines in the morning and you and I are still empty-handed, please don't despair and take good care of me. Even when you say goodbye to love, I hope you are all right; When I stop loving you, maybe it's not that I don't love you, but that I can't love you anymore.

5. The green reeds growing by the river now become green grass; Crystal bleak frost, replaced by my eyes looking at you; There is a chill in the bleak autumn wind, which is no longer the wrinkle in Qiu Jiang, but the blue fireworks in March now.

6. Loving someone without the courage to ask is like flying across the sea without wings. You'd better be a gentleman unless you are willing to let you go.

7, a moment of light, in exchange for half a life of desolation and loneliness; An unfilled hole in life is just a wrong hand. It is wrong to love too much. You can direct an unstoppable tragedy without malice. Love itself is not right or wrong, so it can be wrong.

8. Sunshine is like petals in my palm, which are silent.

9. If I had known this, when we first met, I sang-it's easy to ask for priceless treasures, but it's hard to have a heart. I don't know if I can hide. It's fate.

10, Wan Li, the world of mortals, many people met, lost, misunderstood and missed. Therefore, not everyone has people who really miss them when they get old.

1 1. When we can't turn back, we can only move on.

12. We can finally settle down temporarily. We are the survivors of the dead. I should be grateful, but all I have left is my thoughts and sadness for you. They are as vast as rivers, and I can't sink into them.

13, the last star finally disappeared on the horizon. Looking up at the sky, I think of you for the last time tonight. It's dawn, and I have to go again. I don't know tomorrow and this moment tomorrow, if I still have life to sit here and miss you in the distance.

14, you are ten thousand years, exaggerated; Love you for five thousand years is hopeless; It is absurd to love you for a thousand years; Love you for a hundred years, too long; Love you for fifty years in succession, as long as I am healthy, this is my strength!

15, love is the yearning of the heart, the resonance of feelings, the collision of inspiration, the shining of lightning, the sweet dew and the intoxicating pure wine.

16. In Me Before You, the world is a wasteland. After meeting you, the world became a paradise. The past many years have been like a wisp of smoke to me, and my future life is endless because of you.

17. Forgive me for telling a stranger your mobile phone number. His name is Cupid. He wants to help me tell you that my heart likes you, my heart cares about you and my heart is waiting for you.

18, love begins with hope and ends with despair. Giving up means that I no longer have any hope for you.

19, I fell in love with you, and I realized the taste of missing, the pain of separation and jealousy, and endless possessiveness. Why does your every move make my heart surge? Why am I always afraid that time will fly and I can't be with you all my life?

20. No matter how difficult the road with you is, dry your tears and tell yourself not to cry. I call your name over and over again, when I sleep, when I am drunk.

2 1, don't miss you, don't love you, let time fly quietly, erase our memory, and never remember your name again.

22. If I turn every thought about you into a flower, there will always be a garden full of flowers around me.

23. I have no lover on Valentine's Day, only a wife. She is my favorite, today is, tomorrow is, until I die, there is only her in my heart! Really love you!

24. My love for you is like a raging river, like the uncontrolled Yellow River flooding, and like the sunset, the western hills are brilliant. I think you love you. I can't live without you. I must catch you!

I can't promise you anything, but I will do it: if one day you feel hungry, then you will smile and see that I have starved to death in your arms.

26, I envy the sun, he can see your bright smile, I envy the moon, she can watch you sleep peacefully, I envy myself, at least I can always miss you.

27. I like watching you fall asleep, because you won't have any troubles then. I like the way you smile at me, because you are the happiest at that time. I just want to make you happy.

I want to send you roses, but it's too expensive. I want to comfort you, but I haven't learned it yet. I want to kneel to you, but the ring is still in the safe. I can only send messages to chase you. I hope we will never screw up.

29, all sentient beings, every day is a holiday. A cold and warm sentence, a noisy line; A reminder, a handed note; A lovesickness, looking forward to it with one heart; A love, a lifelong love.

30. There is a tacit understanding called tacit understanding; There is a feeling called wonderful; There is a kind of happiness that is accompanied by you; There is a yearning called longing. May every meteor in the sky shine for you.

3 1, the cello sounds like a river, the left bank is a memory I can't forget, the right bank is a glorious time I deserve to persist, and the middle is my faint sadness every year!

32. Feelings are in arrears, love stops, promises are empty, trust is closed, care is not connected, beauty is not in the service area, everything is suspended, and life is completely frozen!

33. The ending is not the answer we want. Loving you well is my greatest wish, and you are my only one!

34. People who leave will eventually leave, even if they are close; Depend on each other forever, even if the mind goes all the way to Wan Li.

35. For most of life, the synonym of commitment is bondage, but we long for bondage.

If we are destined to pass each other in this life, I deeply wish you happiness forever. Then put away all your feelings and look forward to meeting you in the afterlife.