I can tell jokes. I can tell funny jokes.

Morning joke

Jokes and jokes When you get up in the morning, many people will feel extremely depressed when they get up in the morning. If it continues, it will affect the day's work. You can look at jokes and jokes at this time. Below, I carefully arranged the jokes and jokes in the morning to share, hoping to help everyone.

Joke 1 1 in the morning. Others laugh at me for being crazy, and I laugh at others for being cross-eyed!

Second, eat, I want to be thin, I want to be thin. I can't have it both ways, so I'll go!

Thirdly, I don't understand why we can have two eyes, two ears, two hands and two feet, but not two chins. Yes, men don't know!

Q: What's the difference between a master and a master? God replied, "Master, there is a demon ahead!" " "Master, turn right ahead."

An old lady can't read, but she must listen to the weather forecast every day. I asked my family at dinner one day: I have a question. Where is the local area? It rains there almost every day.

I heard my second brother ask my five-year-old daughter, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Answer: "Be a policeman". He asked again, "Why the police?" Answer: "because the teacher often says that money should be given to the police uncle."

Teacher: "Imagine what you would do if a bad guy followed you." Xiao Ming: "Stop imagining at once!"

There is a long queue in front of the toilet. A gentleman: I can't hold it any longer. Can you get me through? The person in front clenched his fist and squeezed out a sentence through his teeth: at least you can talk!

9. A beggar is begging in the street. At this moment, a passerby came. He looked at the beggar and said, "You are strong and have no disability. Why should I give you money? " The beggar was furious and said, "Do I have to cripple myself before I can ask you for some stinking money?"

I wanted to go to the supermarket to buy a pack of cigarettes and instant noodles, but I didn't expect the cashier to be an ex-girlfriend, so I turned around and bought a pack of sanitary napkins, paid the money proudly and left. Now that I think about it, it cost me more than ten yuan.

Eleven, when young, or try not to puppy love, prematurely know their lack of charm, ugly and short, will affect the exam.

Twelve, the teacher said: What do you mean? Even if you see me at school now, you can say to me politely: hello, teacher! Ten years later, when you come back and see me, you will say, Oh, is that fat man still there?

Thirteen, who, like me, spends half an hour choosing takeout, half an hour waiting for takeout, half an hour choosing the video of the next meal, and five minutes eating.

Fourteen Dialogue between Chinese astronauts and American astronauts. United States: "You China are great! I saw the Great Wall of China at a glance! " The Chinese astronaut glanced at it: "That's a traffic jam!"

Fifteen, I found that the most promising position in the company is the front desk. In the past ten years, this position has been given to proprietress, mistress, deputy general manager, administrative director, marketing director and financial director. But the situation changed three years ago, and the proprietress participated in the recruitment of front desk staff. Then the position fell off.

Sixteen years old. Yesterday, my husband asked me, "Do you still love me when I have no money?" I said, "Is it different from you now?"

17. My son sleeps with his mother every night. Mom said: When you grow up, marry a daughter-in-law to sleep with your mother? A: Hmm! Mom said, what about your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly after listening: this child has been sensible since childhood!

18. Many people left work today and left in a hurry. I met a girl by chance, and she looked at me angrily. I said weakly: beauty, we already have skin relatives. She slapped me and said, I'll give you a kiss! Stop it! My face hurts!

Joke 2 1 in the morning. At noon today, my roommate went to the small restaurant next to the school to fry a braised potato chip and pack it. The boss packed her two boxes, usually a box of vegetables and a box of rice. When I took it back to the dormitory, I found it was a potato chip and a broken eggplant. . . I wonder how another student looked when he went back to open two boxes of packaged rice. .

2. I accidentally yelled at my wife today, which made her cry. I tried to persuade her all morning, but there was nothing I could do. I haven't eaten. The daughter was a little impatient and said to her mother, "Okay, mom, don't cry, okay?" You didn't choose the person yourself, who is to blame! "All of a sudden, my wife and I are in a mess. . .

3. I am a man. Yesterday, my mother and I went out to buy clothes. When I tried on clothes, I found that the fitting room couldn't be locked, so I asked my mother to watch it. But as soon as I took off my pants, the door opened and a beautiful girl appeared. Then I was shocked in an instant, wearing only a pair of underwear. . . Later, my mother told me that the girl was beautiful and didn't stop me. I went, it's really my own mother!

There is no class in the first class in the morning. Roommate sent a message to remind her boyfriend to wake her up at 9: 30. I was awakened by the bell and answered the phone. I heard a strange male voice say, get up, get up. A deep voice. Scared my roommate to sit up. Hung up the phone and saw it was Tong Yuan. I sent the wrong message last night. I sent my boyfriend's information to Tong Yuan. Damn, Tong Yuan is great. . . .

Opposite the girls' dormitory is the boys' dormitory. This night just entered the night, and everything was silent. Suddenly, I heard a boy's cry from the boy's dormitory building: "xxx, I love you!" " "In an instant, all the women across the building were blown up, and everyone envied whose boyfriend was so romantic. Just then, I heard another buddy shout, "Who called my name just now? ! "The world suddenly became quiet. ...

6, eating noodles outside, there is a Loli and her father opposite, eating a bowl. Her father fed her first, and then went to buy milk tea at her request. I saw the little girl pick up a spoon and put pepper on her face, and kept muttering, "I'll let you feed it, if you can't eat it, feed it." It's too hot ... it's too hot ... "

7. The four-year-old girl is very strong. One day, she was playing alone in bed. Her father is watching TV by the bed. Suddenly, she accidentally fell out of bed. She quickly got up, walked up to her father and slapped him decisively, saying, "What do you think of the child? ! "

8. On Qingming Day, I saw a child burning paper by the roadside. He steals several examination papers from time to time and throws them into the fire to burn. While burning his mouth, he muttered, "Grandpa, you are old. Doing more problems there is good for the brain and can develop intelligence. If you can't do it, you can take my class teacher away and let her teach you. "

9. Just out of the gate of the community in the morning, a five-or six-year-old girl hugged my thigh and cried and said, Uncle, marry me! ! ! I was in a mess when I suddenly heard a voice behind me saying, even if you get married, you have to go to school today! ! ! !

10, a friend planted some garlic seedlings in the dormitory, saying it was to add some greenery to the dormitory. He worked hard for two weeks. When I was cooking noodles yesterday, I thought it tasted bad, so I pinched two and put them in a bowl. As a result, when he came back, he cried and insisted that I pay for it. As for it? I had no choice but to give him the cabbage I had raised for two months.

1 1, my wife gave me 1000 yuan lucky money during the Spring Festival. I made a concession according to the traditional custom of China, just for a moment. My wife actually took it back and said not to forget it. Let's talk about it next year ... the money we get, the cooked ducks. ...

12, I prepared my husband's favorite durian on Valentine's Day and put it under the bed. My husband came home from work early and rushed into the bedroom with flowers in his hand. He was dumbfounded when he saw me wearing sexy underwear! I just said shyly, "There is a surprise under my husband's bed." Husband can't wait to rush into the kitchen and pick up the kitchen knife. This is not a tacit understanding. What is tacit understanding?

Joke joke 3 1 in the morning, playing with my sister and making her cry. Then my father heard it and asked me: Why did you hit my sister? She is younger than you, you know? Let your sister go. I said: I gave her three moves, but she couldn't beat me. My dad listened, took a broom and said, Come here, I'll give you three tricks.

I drank too much last night and called a Didi taxi. We looked at each other for thirty seconds in the downpour. Much like the opening of a martial arts film! I asked, "Where's your car?" He asked me, "Where's your car?" "Aren't you a drip driver?" "Laozi is a drip driver." The air suddenly became quiet.

3. My girlfriend is older than me, but my family condition is not as good as mine, and my family doesn't agree. During the Chinese New Year dinner, my relatives advised me to speak one word at a time. I simply said: I always liked boys before I met her. The whole world is quiet, and my parents have taught me for a long time to get married quickly.

I had a crush on a female classmate in my class when I was in high school. I watched her table tennis in the extracurricular interest class, and I quickly signed up. Once when practicing with her, she caught the table tennis on the high side. I spiked, but I hit her in the face. Seeing that she said nothing, my face was a little unhappy. At this time, my nervous palms are sweating! Soon, she caught the ball very high, so I jumped up and smashed it! The table tennis didn't hit her this time. She sweated and slipped, so she changed her racket. ...

5. My husband sent a text message to his wife at night when he was on a business trip: "Is her wife asleep?" Wife: "I fell asleep." Husband: "I can still send messages when I am asleep." Wife: "Your wife is really asleep."

6. The second-hand wife keeps goldfish on a whim, but her skills are extremely poor and she enjoys it. As a result, the mortality rate of fish was high, so she went to the aquarium shop one after another to buy fish. Once when I paid the money, the boss couldn't hold back: "Dude, tell me the truth! Did you buy this goldfish for keeping or eating? "

7. "Yesterday, I asked you to draw a picture. You drew a jiaozi. Today, I asked you to draw a picture. You also drew me a jiaozi? " "teacher! This is different! " "What's the difference?" "Stuffing. . . "

8. The world is such a mess. Who are you pretending to be?

9. In fact, why do lovers curse each other when they break up? After all, I once loved, just like my predecessor, who never said a bad word about me after breaking up for so long. I hope he can wake up from his vegetative state as soon as possible, because I was a little heavy.

10. My friend drives very slowly. When someone asks her for something, she usually asks, Are you in a hurry? I will rush to ride a moped, but I will rush to drive!

1 1. A man asked me, "Do you have a girlfriend?" Me: "No." The man said, "So you are a bachelor?" Me: "Hmm." Then he picked up a stick and hit me. I asked him angrily, "What for?" He said, "The fortune teller said that I would be a bachelor all my life ..."

12, when we were young, we were all very happy, because at that time, we were ugly and poor.

13, sleepy all day, hard life, withdrawn personality, very popular appearance, I am talking about people with difficulties.

14, it's better to talk about love than Doby dog!

15, a little boy sat on the steps in front of the kindergarten, took a lollipop, licked it and handed it to the little girl next to him. The little girl took the lollipop, licked it carefully and said, will I be pregnant? The little boy listened carefully and said, if you are pregnant and have a baby, the three of us will go to kindergarten together.

16, I haven't played go-karting since I know what Tintin means.

17, Xiaoming's mother is cooking in the kitchen. Xiaoming came running crying. His mother asked, "Why are you crying?" Xiao Ming said, "Dad hit his hand with a hammer." Mom said: "Xiaoming is sensible and knows that he is distressed by his father." Xiao Ming said, "No, I laughed when my father hit my hand!" " "

18, when I was a child, it seemed that Spider-Man believed that being bitten by something could turn him into a knight-errant. The next day, I was bitten by a dog, and nothing happened. I thought it was a lie, but now I finally believe it, because I am still single dog.

19, a boy was chasing Korean dramas, and his father found him beating him with a stick. The boy couldn't help shouting, "Oh, Dad!" " Don't hit' three words haven't been exported, and dad is a crazy beat: "You still speak Korean to see if I don't kill you!"

20. There was a goddess girl in the dormitory who put on makeup that day. I asked her if she had a date. She said she didn't know where to go yet. Send a message in a circle of friends when you are ready to paint: weekend, so boring. After a while, a dozen people replied to various arrangements, and she chose one and went. I sent one just like hers. Weekends are boring. Twenty minutes later, I received seven praises. ...

2 1, I don't swear, because I have strong hands-on ability.

22. How much fun it is outside is just a passing sight to me. What beautiful scenery is just a pile of powder skeletons in my eyes! In my opinion, it is the most important thing to keep your original heart in the bustling urban life, or the old saying goes well: I have no money!