Humorous stand-up comedy script

Liu Baorui Crosstalk: Measuring Characters

Today I'm going to talk about word testing. In Jinan, Shandong Province, there is a word-measuring booth in the Grand View Garden. Not now. What year is this year? Seventeen years of the Republic of China-that is, 1928. At that time, the great warlord Zhang Zongchang Dulu was in charge of Shandong.

No one knows the surname of this gentleman who measures words. He has a nickname "Big Difference". In other words, as a personality tester, he is different. There is a sign in front of the desk with three words written on it: "Big Difference".

Oh, my God, just in time for Zhang Zongchang to take a walk in the Grand View Garden. Zhang Zongchang is a big man with four horses, all with box guns and machetes. When Zhang Zongchang saw a bunch of people around him, he said;

(learning Shandong accent) "Huh? Go, go in and have a look! "

As soon as he said he wanted to go in and have a look, Ma Bian passed by, waving his whip and hitting people. Everybody out of the way. Zhang Zongchang went in. At first glance, it is a personality tester. Zhang Zongchang thought to himself, "It's obviously not good if I don't measure a word." .

"Hey, give me a word!"

At first glance, Mr Wen Zi is a tall man, followed by four horses, and his heart is full of music. How come? Although I have never seen Zhang Zongchang, I have heard of Zhang Zongchang's nickname, General Long Legs, whose legs are long. Also known as general dog meat, once sold dog meat! Well, that's what happened. He asked:

"Do you measure a word?"

"ah"

"You write a word!"

There is a white tile on the table. Let him write a word on it. What did he write? People who sell dog meat can't recognize two and a half words. How can he write it? But I was asked to write a word, write it, and he just made do with it. Hey, I wrote the word "person" with my finger.

Where is it written? He was asked to write on the white tile, but he didn't. Isn't the sign saying "great difference"? Well, he wrote the word "person" next to the word "big". Wow! The fortune teller respectfully stood up:

"Oh, you are an adult!"

Hearing this, the Zhang Zongchang said:

"ah! How do you know? "

How did you know? You see, both divination and divination rely on observing faces and colors. Mr. Vowel has noticed that there are four horses in the pint. He is full of pride and speaks in a bureaucratic way:

"ah! How do you know? "

You think, people can't know! Yes, it's accurate. The man who measured the word followed:

"Ah, I have measured it."

"Have you measured it?"

"Yes, you are an adult. You really live under one person and above ten thousand people. "

"Oh, how did you measure it?"

"I ask you to write a word on this white tile. You, write the word' people' next to the word' big'. Write a personal character next to the big characters. Hey, you are a big man! "

Wow, this guy has two hands. "Come on, let's make way! There you are ... "

He asked a horse to test a word and kept muttering:

"Also write people, write people."

Let Mami also write people. Marco came over and said:

"Give me a word."

"Ok, ok, you write a word."

This Ma E didn't dare to write on Zhang Zongchang's sign. He wrote it on the palm of his hand and also wrote the word "person". A look at the word:

"You ... don't want to listen. You can't compare with that adult. You are a subordinate. "

Hearing this, Zhang Zongchang said, Wow, how clever! In fact, he is also very confused. That's a horse, not his man. He lowered his hand and stood to wait on Zhang Zongchang. Can the fortune teller see it?

"You are a subordinate, an adult's subordinate."

"How do you know?"

"measured. Look, I asked you to write a word, and you wrote it in your hand. Can you hold it with your palm up when you walk? No, you have to put your hand down. Isn't this your man? "

Hey, such a man!

"This guy is really smart, really smart! Take ten dollars. "

Zhang Zongchang gave ten dollars in public and went back with Ma Bian. Back at the Governor's Office, Zhang Zongchang thought, Well, is it really such a coincidence? Well, I want to have a look.

"I said, you go to prison and get a prisoner sentenced to death. I have something! "

A man sentenced to death was put forward in prison. When he arrived here, he went to court:

"Do you want to die or live?"

Who wants to die?

"My Lord, I want to live."

"Willing to live, listen to me. Hey! You take him, push his head, take a shower, put on clean clothes and put on rich clothes. How can you protect me? How do you protect him and let him read the word "person" too? What about the word "person"? If you can't show your own defects, isn't that the death penalty? Free, released on the spot; If there are flaws, don't bother to shoot! "

"Hey, yes, yes, I can!"

This man, he is alive and can't be happy. Wow! Very happy, I pushed my head, took a bath, and changed my clothes richly. Four girls followed him:

"Go for a walk! Go there to test the word' person', do you hear? "

Do you think Emma can treat prisoners like Zhang Zongchang? So push him straight.

When we reached the pavilion, Marco gave way to both sides, and the prisoner came over:

"Give me a word."

"Oh, measure words?"

When Mr Juzi looked up, he knew something. What is the score? These four horses look familiar. Oh, I came with that adult yesterday, and here comes another one today. Don't ask, this is also an adult. Look again, no, this face is green, yellow, thin and pale. Do you think a person sentenced to death can look good? There is no blood at all. Mr. Divination became suspicious:

"Ah, please write a word."

Marco winked at him, meaning to ask him to write the word "person". He was afraid to write, so he said:

"Ah, let me measure the word' person'."

When he said "people", Marco also came to him and whispered:

"Hey, cheer up!"

At first glance, Mr. Juzi said, well, this is clearer, so he said it.

"Oh, don't be angry when you say this. I don't think you are like an adult, like a criminal! "

This guy froze when he heard it. He was shocked and Mr. Wang was more confident. Ma Bian hurriedly said:

"Ah. Don't talk nonsense, this is our adult. "

"What an adult, he is a criminal, which has been detected between the lines."

"How did you measure it?"

"How to calculate, he didn't write the word" people ",is the mouth, mouth is mouth also. You think, put your personal words in your mouth and read the prisoner's' prisoner'. Hey, hey, don't measure this.

"He is a prisoner!"

Hearing this, the four girls said, "Hey, stop pretending and come back with us!" Well, it's back again!

Come back with Zhang Zongchang, Zhang Zongchang a listen to:

"wow! This personality detector is so smart, let's send him a plaque. " He can't write when he delivers the plaque. After studying with four or five aides for three days, he came up with a word and wrote four words: "Suit yourself".

Hey, he thinks Mr. Divination is the landlord!

You think "follow one's inclinations" is a plaque in the land temple! It's all gone.

Oh, it's great to hang this plaque. This diviner shakes badly and can earn fifty or sixty dollars a day. People gather around to test words every day. How come? Zhang, the supervisor, personally delivered the plaque, which was applauded by the whole city, and everyone came to him to check the handwriting. The more money he earns, the more he earns. It's broken now. Why? At that time, there were three hooligans and bullies in Jinan, who were called Zhu's three brothers:,,. The three of them beat about the streets all day, went out of the teahouse and into the restaurant, and went to the opera and the movies without spending a penny. No matter which business you run, whose business you handle, marriage, funeral, marriage, well, you have to invite the three of them.

On this day, the boss told the second and third children:

"Ah, brother, people who measure words in the Grand View Garden earn fifty or sixty dollars a day. Let him earn all the money from Jinan. No, let's go! Let's make trouble for him! "

"How to find wow?"

"How to find wow ... let's find him to measure the word, don't say anything wrong, and the spirit is not working. Let's smash the stall and grab foreign money! "

"Well, that's a good idea. Go, go! "

The three of them came to the pavilion:

"ah! Give me a word! "

Mr. Master looked at it and said, Wow! It is these three who know each other. Rogue bully, come on! Stand up quickly;

"Oh, well, who do you test first?"

The boss said, "Me! Give me a test first! "

"Well, you can grab a word."

There is a small Cui Zuo on the table of the word-measuring booth, and there are many written paper rolls in it. The boss shook his head.

"I won't catch it!"

"Then write a word."

"I can't write!"

"You name one."

The boss just wants to talk, but he won't! An idea-is this outrageous? Say something. What are you talking about? Ok, just say your last name:

Zhu! '

Hearing this, Mr. Wang: Pig? Pig, thinking it was a pig and sheep, thought: No one dares to mess with this rascal. If the test fails, I won't set up this stall. I must try to flatter him and make him feel better. A ponder the three of them this behavior:

"Oh, your words are great!"

"ah? What a good way! "

"Today, you go west from here, someone will invite you to dinner. This meal is particularly delicious. Haha, if you want it right, please give me your name. "

The boss heard this: What, going west from here, someone invited me to dinner?

"Well, I'll try to go west. If no one invites me to dinner, don't blame me for being rude. I can eat you when I come back! "

The boss has said to the next stop, and the second one is coming:

"ah! Measure a word! "

"Ah, please write a word."

"I can't write!"

"You name one."

Zhu! '

It's also a "pig", deliberately finding fault!

"Oh, you also test this' pig', you this is the second word' pig'; If you go to the East today, someone will give you a dress to wear. "

"What?"

"If you go to the east, someone will give you a dress to wear."

"Well, I'll try to go east, and someone will give me my clothes back; If no one gives me clothes, I can help you choose clothes when I come back! "

The second child twisted his face:

"Third, you come!"

The third child stood there, buckled his hat on the back of his head, curled his lips and said:

"I also test a word!"

"You write one."

"Don't write! Zhu! "

Hearing this, the gentleman carried three people out of a temple. Why are they all "pigs" This is intentional.

"Well ... ha ... you this word, you want to go to the north today ..."

"You don't say, I want to go to the north, someone invited me to dinner, someone gave me clothes to wear, someone invited me to a movie, someone invited me to take a bath ..."

"Haha, none of them are right."

"How about that?"

"You want to go to the north, haha ... someone hit you!"

"what! Someone hit me? "

"Alas ... haha laughter ... is not light insurance."

"Ah?"

Hearing this, the old three was very angry:

"Line line, blunt you say so, I have to go north, someone hit me; No one hit me, I hit you! "

Isn't this a bitch?

"Go for a walk! Let's talk about it later! "

Three people are missing. When he left, the boss told the second and third children:

"Hey, do you think this word test is ineffective?"

The second child said:

"What is the spirit? It won't work. "

The third child said, "Don't listen to that. Brother, you go to the west, brother, you go to the east and I go to the north. Let's meet here this afternoon. As long as one of them doesn't work, we'll smash the stall and grab foreign money! "

"Hey, yes!"

The three brothers broke up. In the afternoon, the three of us met, alas! Turin.

What is the effect of this word test? There is no mystery, nor does it mean that he can be a "Taoist magic." In fact, measuring character is reasoning. This gentleman knows the behavior of the three of them. The Zhu brothers ran all over the street and scolded all over the alley, and went out of the teahouse and into the restaurant without spending money. As soon as the business is opened, they have to be invited to handle affairs. According to this, hey, give them three spirits.

He told his boss to go west. Mr. Wang knows very well that there is a wife in West Street today. As soon as the boss passes the door, he will be invited to dinner. Second, east, it is estimated that there is a dress spread out, manned a look at the second, hurriedly pulled out a dress jacket:

"Sir Zhong, this is your filial piety. Please try it on. "

It fits me well for the first time. Hey, he's wearing it.

What about the third child? Mr. Wang told him to go north and take North Street. There is a governor's office in the north street of Jinan. No one dares to walk in that street. If you believe Mr. Wang, it's over. He didn't. Old like this, across the bridge of the nose:

"what! Beaten up? In Jinan, I don't ask about it. The sky is the boss, the earth is the second, and I am the third! Hit me, who dares to hit me? "

He was unlucky, too. Go if you have nothing to do. What are you doing back here?

"Hit me, who dares to hit me?"

Just took two steps back, well, it happened that Aunt Jiu of Zhang Zongchang was out shopping and wearing new satin shoes, so he stepped on it! Then spare him. Four Marco threw themselves at each other and said that the May 4th Table Tennis Movement was a whip! I have a black eye, seven big pimples and a big hole on my head.

In the afternoon, the three of them got together again, and the boss said:

"Second, third, someone really invited me to dinner. This meal is really good. "

The second child said:

"Eldest brother, what do you think of my jacket? Lao Longtai's dress! "

Old three said:

"Come on, look at my bag!"

The second child said:

"Then who do you blame? Mr. Vowel said he would be beaten if he went north, so he didn't pay attention. "

"What should I pay attention to? I already have it! "

"This gentleman is clever!"

"Spirit, don't believe it, let's go! You two come with me to find him! "

The boss said:

"This can't go, the somebody else's handwriting is ineffective, not fulfilled, we can find; I'm fine now. What will you tell people when I get there? "

"Of course I said. For example, the three of us said three words and three things, and he measured three things, Ling! Can you think about it: our brother's meeting was all one sentence, and he detected three things: you invited dinner, my second brother delivered clothes, and I beat him? This is not right, we have to find him! "

Hearing this, the boss said:

"Yes, that makes sense. We have to find him! "

The second child also said:

Yes, let's go.

The three of them went. When I got there, Mr. Wen Zi was about to close the booth. The three of us have a look:

"ah! No, we are looking for you. "

At first glance, Mr Wen Zi is at three o'clock in the morning. Quickly ask the boss:

"How's it going? Does the test word work for you? "

The boss proudly said:

"Spirit! I went to Dongdong today, and someone really invited me to dinner. Hey, I ate well. "

Hearing this, Mr. Vowel asked the second child again:

"How are you?"

The second child said;

"Ha ha, look at this jacket, it's for me."

"Well, how are you?"

Old three said:

"Don't you see? What a waste of time! Look, there are seven protrusions, and there is a hole here! "

"Ha ha ... really beaten?"

"Say, what happened?"

"Ha ha, now I understand, I woke up. Then why did you want to see me? "

"You are looking for, of course, looking for you. For example, the three of us said three words and three things. You can get three results. But we all measured the word' Zhu'. Why did you find that my eldest brother was invited to dinner and my second brother was given clothes, but why did you hit me? ! "

The man who measures words smiled.

"Ha ha, this certainly makes sense. Does it make sense? All three of you have said the word "pig". The word pig (Zhu) is like a pig ... "

All three of us listen: Oh, we are all pigs?

"The first pig, this is called' fat pig arch', and this pig arch is gone. You think, as soon as the pig arches, the owner ponders: The pig is fine, why does it arch? Oh, I may be hungry. Come on, let's get some tofu residue to feed it. Hey, someone invited your big brother to dinner. "

The boss said, Oh, I ate pig food!

"Why give my second brother clothes to wear?"

"Second, your second brother also measured the pig. This is the second arch of the pig. Master looks: yo! Just finished adding pig food, why did the arch come again? Oh, it's getting cold. This pig must be very cold. Let's put some wheat straw on it. Someone has to give your second brother a dress to wear. "

The second child looked at the jacket: Hey, this is the wheat straw!

Old three said:

"That's not right. How could I be beaten?"

Mr. Vowel said:

"Yes, the pig is full and warm, and it comes to the arch again. What are you waiting for if he doesn't hit you? "