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The story told today comes from the Ming Dynasty.

There is a rich man in Linqing, Shandong Province. There is a young master named ZhangHaoGu at home. I have been spoiled since I was a child, and I have never learned it. When I grow up, I eat, drink, gamble and do everything. Eat and drink every day, carry cages and birds, and walk all over the street. Because of this, everyone calls him "puppy".

One day, ZhangHaoGu was walking in the street and saw a physiognomist surrounded by a circle of people. He wants to have a look. As soon as he stood there, he saw him at a glance He knew he was a dog and wanted to kiss his ass and get two dollars. He pretended to look at him and said, "This man, with colorful eyebrows and eyes, can be a pillar of the country." Look at your shiny seal, and your career is booming. You're going to Beijing to catch the exam. I promise you'll be the first in the exam. Congratulations then. "If ZhangHaoGu understood, he could have given him a mouth. Because I can't read, I can't even write my own name, so I went to Beijing to take the exam? Test what? But his little temper didn't think of it. He thought, "We have plenty of money at home. It is not easy to be an official. " Instead of being angry, he was very happy. Say, "Are you sure to win?" "Don't flatter! Make sure you can get the top three! " "good! Give you two pieces of silver. I'll give you more when I get back. If I can't win, I won't stop looking for you when I come back. "I said to my face: I will leave when you come back!

ZhangHaoGu came home, packed his bags and brought some gold and silver. He really came to Beijing to take the exam. He doesn't want to think, you can't even write your own name, and you have to take an exam? This is not an asshole! But that's the way it is in that society. He left late that day and arrived in Beijing on the last day of the examination room. By Xizhimen, the city gate had already been closed. Just in time to catch the Xizhimen water truck. The Ming and Qing emperors paid attention to drinking water from Yuquan Mountain, and told the people to pull water from outside the city in the middle of the night, and it must be the same day. When the waterwheel arrived, the city gate opened. ZhangHaoGu also don't understand. He drove in the waterwheel. The city keeper dared not ask him, thinking that he was betting on the waterwheel for the emperor, so he came in.

When he went into town, he didn't know where the examination room was. He rode horses everywhere and walked to Chessboard Street. He saw a group of people coming from the opposite side. When there was a rider in the middle, two people in front were lighting angry lanterns. This is 90-year-old Wang Wei in Wei Zhongxian's Yecha Street. ZhangHaoGu's horse was stunned when his eyes diverged. He didn't rein in the reins, but the horse ran into Wei Zhongxian's horse. Before, Wei Zhongxian was killed without even asking, because he was the most prized eunuch of Emperor Mingnuo and had the preemptive right. Wei Zhongxian wants to ask him today, so stop here. He said, "You child, what are you mourning for?" ZhangHaoGu didn't know he was nine years old! Say: "ah! What do you care! I am in a hurry. " "Wow, young monkey! What a nice cross! What's wrong? " "I'm from Shandong. I went to Beijing to catch the exam. If I can't enter the examination room late, won't it delay my top three? " "Do you know that you can enter the top three?" "ah! I'm not sure who came here from afar! " "Now that the examination room is closed, you can't get in!" "I won't knock if I can't get in?" Wei Zhongxian thought: He knows he can win the top three. Must he have such profound knowledge? Can't! This is a big lie. He is scaring me with knowledge. It says, "Come on! Take my film and send him to the examination room. " Wei Zhongxian wants to see how his knowledge is. But Wei Zhongxian is also an asshole. You should look at his knowledge. Don't send him a film, just let him go by himself. This time he made the film, and ZhangHaoGu was deeply impressed by it. He didn't know the examination room, so he got a lead.

Spitzer took ZhangHaoGu to the examination room, and when he smashed the door, the movie was staged gradually. When the two examiners saw Wei Zhongxian's film, they all got up quickly. The man said, "This man was sent here at the age of nine. He must be related to him. We must accept him! " The man said, "No! The rooms are full. " "We have to think of some way to eat! You think the person who was sent by a nine-year-old child in the middle of the night must be his relative. Just make room for him like I said. Really not, even if we both spend the night in the hospital, we must keep him. " "all right! Then let's spend the night in the hospital! " What's this called? After two examiners let ZhangHaoGu in, they both muttered again. The man said, "Let's send him questions." This one says, "Don't go! We don't know which books he commented on. If we give him a question, he will not do it. Isn't that offending 99? " "So what should we do?" "What should I do? Isn't there a paper? Just say you write! " Hey! Both of them are arranged! After I finished writing, I thought, "If this is the first name, there are too many. Come on! Come second! " ZhangHaoGu didn't write a word and won the second place!

On the third day, whoever wins the prize will be invited to the examiner's house to pay homage to the teacher and hand in a student's post. They all went except ZhangHaoGu. He doesn't understand! The palace of the two examiners is whispering again. ZhangHaoGu is so heartless. Although he was sent by Wang Wei, he wouldn't have won the lottery if we hadn't taken care of him. What? Now that I have won, I don't even worship the teacher. This is so unreasonable. ""Don't think so, we have to go for Wang Wei. Do you want Wang Wei to send him a film in the middle of the night? This must be a close relative of Wang Wei. If he becomes an official in the future, we have to rely on him to take care of him. He didn't come? It doesn't matter! Won't we see him go? "That's not bad. The teacher bowed to his apprentice and fell down!

Two examiners met ZhangHaoGu. He said, "If it weren't for the nine-year-old film that day, you wouldn't have entered this examination room." ZhangHaoGu also don't know where things come from, just vaguely promised. After they left, they found that Wei Zhongxian was nine years old. I said to myself, oh! Without this film, we can't enter the examination room. He doesn't think he can't read! Another idea: I have seen that when I was nine years old, I bought many expensive gifts. When I arrived in Mi, Wang Wei, I found my business card and gift list. Wei Zhongxian looked at the business card, I don't know. I don't want to see it. When I looked at the gift list, the gifts were still very expensive. He said, "Tell him to come in." ZhangHaoGu walked in and said, "If I hadn't been sent a nine-year-old film that day, I really wouldn't have entered the examination room. It is also a blessing for Wang Ye. I won the second place. " Wei Zhongxian one leng, ah! Is there really so much knowledge? No wonder you said such a big thing that day! Since I have so much knowledge, this person will be of great use to me in the future. At that time, the banquet was ordered. ZhangHaoGu ate a meal, satiated with food and drink, leave, Wei Zhongxian personally sent out. Now, Beijing is making a lot of noise, and all civil and military officials know about it. Everyone commented: "No matter how big our official is, who hasn't been sent to visit the Wei Palace?" Why did Wang Wei personally deliver the new school? "The man said," He is a close relative of Wang Wei. " "When I saw him being sent out at the age of nine, I still respected him. Maybe ZhangHaoGu may be Wang Wei's elder. " "Since we are Wang Wei's elders, we should unite, the last line of the throne, and sponsor it. He will be an official in the future and will definitely take care of us. " "yes! "ZhangHaoGu, a new scholar, was co-sponsored by everyone, saying that he is a pillar of the country, with profound world knowledge and ambition to bring peace and stability to the country. Hearing this, the emperor said, "Since there are such talents, we should join imperial academy. "He entered the academician courtyard again!

In the Hanlin Academy, these academicians all know that he is Wei Zhongxian, and I heard that it was jointly initiated by all of them. Who dares to disrespect him? He is not allowed to write what he has written. Not only was he not allowed to write, but everyone wrote and showed him: "Brother Zhang Nian! Do you think this is ok? " "yes! Very good! Very good! " You can only say so much. No matter what people ask, it is "very good! Very good! " With this sentence, he stood in the academician courtyard for a year.

Over the past year, Wei Zhongxian's birthday, civil and military officials have sent very expensive gifts. Besides giving many expensive gifts, ZhangHaoGu bought a pair of couplets at Sibaozhai Paper Store, but he didn't write them. He took them into the Imperial Academy. Everyone took a look. He said, "Brother Zhang Nian, is this a birthday present for Wang Wei?" "Yes!" Everybody, open it. Say "yo! Didn't write? " "Isn't it?" Everyone said, "You have been here for more than a year, and we haven't seen you write. I didn't expect that we would pay tribute to your Mo Bao today. " "no! You write very well, or you write it for me. " Everyone pushed each other, and no one wrote. One of them is very clever. He said to himself, ZhangHaoGu can't read, can he? When he rolled his eyes. Say: "I write!" He made up a pair, cursing Wei Zhongxian and saying that Wei Zhongxian would usurp the throne. When he finished writing, he said, "Brother Zhang Nian! Are you all right? " ZhangHaoGu looked at it and said, "All right! Very good! Very good! " Not bad!

On this day, ZhangHaoGu brought gifts to Wei Zhongxian to celebrate his birthday. Wei Zhongxian accepted the gift and hung up the couplet, but he didn't understand a word. The imperial edict and the word "longevity" have also arrived. Wei Zhongxian put a incense table to welcome the imperial edict. All the officials who came to offer birthday felicitations met the couple, but no one dared to say, because Wei Zhongxian had a bad temper. For example, if someone scolds him, you should tell him, "Someone scolds you." Hearing this, he said, "Oh! He called me names? Kill! -He called me names. Only he knows. Now you know. Kill it together! " Who do you think dares to tell him? In this way, this pair of hanging for a day, Wei Zhongxian don't see it!

A few years later, Emperor Chongzhen changed. At Wei Zhongxian's home, I dug up the dragon clothes and the dragon crown. Wei Zhongxian committed a crime, the whole family was beheaded, Jiuzu became extinct, and everyone in Wei Zhongxian was killed. Someone said to the emperor, "There is a bachelor in imperial academy named ZhangHaoGu, who is also from Wei Zhongxian."

The emperor said, "That must be killed!" A minister next to him knelt down and said, "Long live your Excellency, ZhangHaoGu is not from Wei Zhongxian." The emperor said, "What do I think?" "Because of Wei Zhongxian's birthday, ZhangHaoGu gave Wei Zhongxian a pair, and I still remember that sentence. The first part is "Cao Gong entered Jiu Xi in the past", and the second part is "Wang Wei wants Zen today". He compared Wei Zhongxian to Cao Cao! He said he wanted to usurp the throne. How can this be from Wei Zhongxian? " The emperor said, "That's not true!" "Not only no, this is a loyal minister!" "good! Since he is a loyal minister, he should be exempted from capital punishment and promoted to the third level. "

Bunch of assholes!

Stand-up comedy script to buy pears (stand-up comedy)

As the saying goes, buying is not as good as selling. It's a famous saying! I don't need to say, everyone here, who hasn't eaten tofu while shopping? What? What does eating tofu mean? Someone used it! This is a fashion word I just learned.

Originally, this businessman naturally used it to do business, just to make a fortune. But a gentleman loves money, so you have to treat it wisely! Now many buyers and sellers are not thinking about how to improve service quality and operate with integrity, but rely on adulteration and fraud to make profits. No, our neighbor, Aunt Zhang, bought three catties of apples in the street the other day, but it took a long time to get 51.3% faster. When she brought it back, she weighed a contract in her own name, two catties and four ounces, which was a loss of 78 cents. Angry Aunt Zhang has high blood pressure. Another time, Miss Xiao Wang of our unit met an orange seller on her way home from work. When she sees that oranges are good, she wants to buy some. However, she can't stand the sweet words of the vendors. She wanted to buy two kilograms, but in the end she was given five kilograms. Of course, the price has to be discussed. The hawker asked for two yuan per catty, and Xiao Wang returned from one quick five to one quick eight. The peddler still refused, and neither of them would give in. Finally, the peddler said in a low voice, "One yuan and eight yuan is fine, but I have to ask you to pay for the scale that sells vegetables over there." Xiao Wang was puzzled and asked him why. The vendor said mysteriously, "There are all eight or two scales there." Hearing this, Xiao Wang was startled and thought that things could not be like that. This account is easy to calculate! According to two pieces, five catties and ten dollars, according to one piece and eight pieces, five catties and nine pieces are cheaper, but when eight or two pieces are weighed, five catties become four catties, which means that one dollar is lost in vain. Xiao Wang graduated from college and is very smart. How could he do such a stupid thing! Before the price was paid back, the vendor weighed himself and went home with oranges.

Supposedly there should be no problem, but Xiao Wang's mother is a careful person. After retirement, she bought food and cooked, and served her husband and children. When I saw my daughter buying a bag of oranges, I took out the shopping convenience scale and made an appointment. Ahem! Three and a half pounds. That guy used seven or two scales.

Losing weight is the most common means. You worked hard for half a day to get the price, and finally he got it back from the scale.

However, whether it is shortweight or adulteration, it is a despicable means. As soon as he makes up for it, he feels indefensible, so he has to coax you, say good words, make you happy, and finally take advantage of you. Although people who buy things are cheated, they can hear a lot of good things, but it is not too bad. And I met such a man, who was not adulterated or short of people, but also angry with you for being cheap, and finally let you suffer. Some people say, how is it possible? If I don't buy it, you can still rob it! You are angry with me, and I am angry with you. It's not necessarily who is angry with whom! But I want to tell you that it's not like that! What's going on here? Let me tell you slowly.

I was riding home after work that day when the phone rang. I took out my mobile phone and saw that it was my wife. I answered quickly. My wife said on the phone that her mother-in-law was ill and had a cold and fever! I just want a bite of frozen pear, and I have to buy it right away. After answering the phone, I hurried to the market. It's getting late and it's getting cold, so I can't buy it right away. If I can't buy it, my wife can't freeze me!

When I got to the market, I went in with a cart. I didn't go far before I saw a frozen pear seller. But there are only three pears, put them on a plate and put them on the ground. The pear seller is a middle-aged man, hanging his head and not looking up, squatting there like a businessman! I went up to the front and saw the pears were good, big and round, so I asked the pear seller how to sell them. "Ten pieces!" . He didn't even look at me, so he said it. I came up as soon as I heard the sound of gas. Isn't this a robbery? This frozen pear is only about three yuan a catty, and these three pears are only a little more than a catty at most. How come ten dollars! I ask again: "How much"? Ten dollars. He still didn't even look up. I said to myself, "sell it yourself"! Pushing a car to the market, I think this person is afraid of mental problems! Who do you sell three pears for ten dollars? Take your time and see which fool will buy your pears.

It is really strange that there is no second seller of frozen pears in the whole market. That guy must know that there is nothing else just now, and he wants to take the opportunity to correct people. I want to leave by bike so that he can go anywhere he wants. On second thought, what about this mother-in-law? I want to go back empty-handed, so it is not a disaster! I can't. I have to hurry to buy it and then sell pears. I am almost there. Take a look. Hi! That guy is eating pears! While peeling the skin, while smoking and persuading. When I walked to the front, I saw that there were only two pears left on the plate. I quickly said that I bought these two pears. How much are they? While stirring the pear water, the man said slowly, "Ten dollars! I'm going to explode! This is not selling pears, this is just robbing with a knife! I was so angry that my mouth trembled and pointed at him and said, "You … you, what do you want?" ! Why don't you rob a bank! Why not rob the gold shop, why not rob ... rob ... "I don't know what to say. The man looked at me with a straight face, and then continued to stir the pear water until he threw away the pear whiskers and began to lick his hands. After licking his hands, he looked up at me, then reached for a pear in the tray, looked around and put it down, and picked up another pear. Oh, my God, I'm almost crazy. How could I meet such a person today! I thought to myself, you eat, don't hold on, even if you give me the pear for free, I don't want it. I got up and turned away. I'm afraid that if something really goes wrong with that guy, I'll blame him.

Walking out of the market, I was about to ride a bike and got off again. I thought, what am I doing? Are you so angry with a pear seller? Not worth it! What does it matter to me that you eat pears? What am I angry about? Don't be angry, go home for dinner and watch TV after dinner. The idea of going home for dinner is over. Why? I remembered my mother-in-law again. You think, an old man is sick and has a fever. He is lying in bed and doesn't want to eat anything. He just wants to eat a frozen pear, so he can't eat it. Why can't he eat? Just because my son-in-law doesn't want to buy it. Am I that stingy? Do I hate my heart that much? Don't! I am usually very filial! Besides, I really dare to provoke my mother-in-law! Dare not! How could I be stupid enough to provoke my mother-in-law? Am I stupid? Can I not know the serious consequences? Thought of here, I quickly turned my head and went to the market without saying anything. I walked into the market and saw that guy eating pears. I just felt dizzy and almost fell down. I stopped to calm down for a while, and then went to the place where pears were sold. There is only one pear left on the plate. I whispered, "I'll take this pear ...".

Ten dollars!