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I used to feel miserable, because I was not born in a country as liberal, democratic and respectful of human rights as the United States! Because the pain of my graduation from college for more than ten years is related to this, so is the bad education I received for seventeen years. I have asked God countless times: Why give me a soul that loves freedom and truth, and let me be born in such a despotic and dark China? Let me suffer so much! But I am also glad for myself: I was not born in War of Resistance against Japanese Aggression and during the war of liberation, so I may experience the horror of war and the grief of abnormal bereavement; I was not born in the first 30 years of the Republic, because with my indomitable and childlike character, I will probably be shot, and my family will have to endure the pain and pay the bullet fee; Or defend Chairman Mao and Red China to the death, but actually die worthless; Or after a passionate youth, find yourself with nothing.

Of course, at the age of sixteen, when I was in the third grade, I vaguely saw the unbearable sports of that generation through TV and newspapers, but I didn't feel pain because I was a fool at that time, although the influence of this sports on my life track was that I experienced a nightmare year of military training three years later. But a generation has a generation of suffering! The first is the pain of schizophrenia in the face of commercial society and totalitarian society after college, the anxiety and loneliness of wanting freedom and justice, and the nothingness of life without home! But this illusory and almost neurotic pain to some people is nothing in the world, much ado about nothing! I didn't encounter a war or a big flood! I doubt the reliability of self and others, the reliability of life, but I don't doubt the reliability of the earth, although I have long denied the possibility of the earth as a home for life. Tangshan earthquake has become a distant disaster memory and an abstract death toll. But what should come will come eventually! Without psychological preparation, I experienced the most horrible experience in my life in Dujiangyan, which is closest to Yingxiu, the epicenter: 5? 12 Wenchuan 8? A magnitude 0 earthquake!

As usual, this afternoon is my first year of SL Chinese class in IB. Before class, both my students and I felt extremely stuffy. I walked around the classroom, opening all the windows as much as possible. The content of this lesson is the thirteenth time of a dream of red mansions. As usual, the students will speak first, but the students will finish in less than ten minutes. I think students in many places ignore the past and let students ask questions. There is no problem with the students, so I have to go into battle myself. When talking about Feng's dream interpretation, I asked the students, "Is this a magical realism?" The student said, "This is superstition!" I asked the students again: "Will Cao Xueqin think it is superstition? Will Xifeng think so? " The student said, "No! Because they believe this! " From this, I persuaded the students: "Today, we think that dreams, fortune telling and geomantic omen are superstitions because we look at these things from the perspective of modern scientific positivism and rationality. Science and reason have greatness, but they also have their limitations. For example, the meaning of my life is empty. Can scientific rationality be solved? Can science and reason comfort people who have lost relatives and friends? Can science and reason guarantee our happiness? Therefore, many problems and fields cannot be understood or solved by science and reason, so we should not be too conceited about science and reason, but be in awe of the mysterious forces in the universe ... "Just then, the desk shook, and the students were shocked and a little overwhelmed. Because I have experienced several minor earthquakes in which tables and beds shook before, I have some experience in earthquakes, so I calmly comforted the students and said, "Don't panic! Earthquake, nothing! ..... "Before I finished, the teaching building shook violently and even made a loud noise (because the classroom is a big study room built of wood on the basis of a bungalow), and I instantly reacted-a big earthquake! Then I rushed to the stairs and even fell down when I went downstairs. At this time, I suddenly had an idea, "Is China under nuclear attack?" Then rolling and crawling ran to the center of the football field next to the teaching building at the fastest speed! I found myself the first person to arrive at the football field, followed by a foreigner with a two-year-old child coming out of the nearby teacher building and a student coming down from the boys' dormitory. At this time, the earth is shaking violently horizontally, maybe one meter! At this time, I only feel that the world is coming to an end. People often say that they are down to earth, but the ground is unstable, so I feel that nothing is reliable! This earthquake, the 50 cm thick football wall on the east side of the football field collapsed in a few seconds! Gradually, students and teachers all concentrated on the football field, because some students didn't attend classes during the IB Level 2 graduation exam, and some students slept or played games in the dormitory, so some students ran out naked in slippers and shorts! At this time, I noticed that my classmates had not come out yet, and it took a while to see them coming to the playground one after another. I asked them strangely, "Why don't you come out?" The student replied, "We didn't react at first. We just watched you run away and disappear. When we reacted, we were all scared to hide under the table! We didn't come out until the serious earthquake subsided! Teacher, why didn't you take us out before you left? " "I have never been a dedicated person, I only care about my own life, don't you know? Last time there was a fire in the middle of the night, I also fled quickly! " Having said that, I then asked myself, "Why didn't you organize the evacuation of students and run away by yourself?" In fact, at that moment, the house shook badly, and I knew I was just reacting instinctively. With a strong sense of crisis, I react faster and escape faster every time there is danger! However, the instantaneous instinctive choice may reflect the balance between the inner self and the lives of others. Later, I told my disappointed classmates: "I am a person who pursues freedom and justice, but I am not a person who dares to sacrifice myself after others!" " At this moment of life and death choice, I can only consider sacrificing myself for my daughter. Other people, even my mother, don't care in this situation. Because I can't control my adults, there is no point in running away from one without moving it. If it is too dangerous, I will die with you. If there is no danger, I don't care about you, and you are not in danger, let alone you are seventeen or eighteen years old! "This may be my self-justification, but I don't feel any moral guilt. I also told the students: "I will never be the one who dares to fight with a knife gangster!" " "Having said that, I can't estimate what I will do when the next danger comes. All I know is that I'm not the one who rushed to the forefront and went to jail for totalitarianism.

At this time, I began to care about the safety of my family in Chengdu, Fox and Li Yulong. But at first, my cell phone had no signal. Obviously, due to power failure, the station can't work normally. After a while, the mobile phone got a signal, which may be that the station started the standby power generation equipment. But there are too many people calling at this time, and my phone can't be dialed out at all, nor can anyone else's phone. Water, electricity, communication and traffic have all been cut off, so we can only wait quietly on the playground. Some students even went to play football when they were nervous, and I joined in wearing hiking shoes. At this time, you need to take such a calm attitude to ease your inner tension! In this way, it was not until five o'clock in the afternoon that the teacher listened to Deyang Radio Station with a miniature radio: 7? An earthquake of magnitude 8, with the epicenter in Wenchuan! It is an order of magnitude with Tangshan earthquake! Everyone is dumbfounded! And the epicenter is so close to Dujiangyan! Everyone guessed: "Wenchuan must have been washed white!" At this time, one of my students looked heavy because his parents, brothers and other relatives were all in Wenchuan County. Only then did we know that the epicenter was Yingxiu in Wenchuan, not at the foot of Wenchuan County! I don't know that Dujiangyan is actually closer to the epicenter than Wenchuan County! Wenchuan completely lost contact with the outside world, and the traffic was completely interrupted! The student told me: "Wenchuan often has earthquakes with magnitude 6? There was a magnitude 5 earthquake, but except for some old houses, all the houses in Wenchuan were repaired according to magnitude 7 earthquake resistance, so there was no problem. But this Dujiangyan is worse than the Wenchuan earthquake the year before ... "Speaking of which, the student almost suffocated! Then I remembered that I couldn't sleep in the dormitory office. Don't I live in the playground at night? That also needs quilts and clothes! If I go back to Chengdu, I also need money! I opened the building and went back to the dormitory in fear. I found that the bucket on the water dispenser had been shaken off and some clothes on the stool had been shaken off. In desperation, I only took money but forgot to take clothes and quilts, because the dormitory I live in is a house that has been repaired for 16 years, and there is a big crack between the bathroom wall and the room wall! So after I came out, I never had the courage to go back to the dormitory!

Then I wandered around the former playground and found that students from primary school and kindergarten were there. President Qing was there, so I went to chat with him. I said, "In my impression, the house of Guangya School is not very strong! Why didn't one fall? " President Qing replied proudly, "The houses in our school are built like bunkers. How could it fall? " ? I'm a contractor, not a contractor! Those contractors are arguing with me about the contracted materials, but I am determined not to do it. I bought materials! I can pay more, the house is on the spot! The ground and the wall are connected together! Fix it. We checked the content of reinforced concrete with instruments! "It turned out that he didn't have foresight, that is, he didn't cut corners, and he didn't have any special quality assurance and earthquake-proof design! I'm relieved that even the houses in Guangya School that don't look so good haven't fallen down, and there is not much problem elsewhere. At this time, I received messages from Guo Chuyang, Lv Dong and Radish Pit asking about safety, all of which were successful. In addition, I successfully sent a message to Li Yulong, and received a reply, knowing that he and Fox are fine. At this moment, I thought that my mother, brother and sister in my hometown might have seen the news of Dujiangyan earthquake, and I was very worried. They should call home. I can only answer the landline at this time, but there are too many people calling. I waited for a long time without waiting for the opportunity, so I had to give up! At this time, a student who came back from walking into the city to observe the situation said: "Dujiangyan City was seriously affected, and 20% of the houses collapsed! "The house of Guangya School really stood the test this time!" Teachers and students in the school have been complaining about the quality of the buildings in Guangya School. After the earthquake, they can't help but sit up and take notice of President Qing and his Guangya school!

At this time, the principal's wife in Chengdu also came back. She said, "Chengdu is ok, but the teaching building of Dujiangyan Juyuan Middle School collapsed. 18 class students were buried below, and hundreds of people died. The director of education knelt there and cried! " Another resident near Guangya School who came back from Juyuan Town said, "At that time, I was shopping and running very fast. The houses on both sides of the street collapsed instantly. I ran over the body. It's terrible! " Another parent of Guangya School said: "It seems that the quality will be better if I pay more money, and the children will be fine in Guangya!"

From five or six o'clock in the afternoon, some parents of Dujiangyan and Chengdu have come to pick up their children from school. I also took my parents' car back to Chengdu at nine o'clock. The traffic in Dujiangyan is so bad that excavators and ambulances can't move forward smoothly because there are too many cars running around in the driveway! I walked on the Second Ring Road for nearly an hour. At ten o'clock, the bus finally got on the Chengguan Expressway. After the bus ran for a while, I received a short message from Wei Yong: "You are still alive!" " I quickly replied, "I'm fine. Our school is fine, but Dujiangyan is in serious condition! " After the car drove out of the toll station, we found that the west line had been used as a special channel for disaster relief, and the vehicles bypassed the city from the expressway around the city. Then I took a taxi and went straight home. There was no one at home. Before that, I had received a short message from my wife, knowing that they had taken refuge in the open space of the nearby Waldorf School, so I quickly rushed to Waldorf School with my bank card and found that the school had set up two big tents and a dozen small tents, and my daughter had fallen asleep in her car! My wife is sitting there chatting with some Waldorf teachers and parents. My sudden appearance surprised my wife, because my phone has been disconnected since the earthquake, and she has been worried about me! That night, I slept on the school bus at Waldorf School. I can't stretch. I feel bored when the door is closed, and there are mosquitoes when the door is open. Anyway, I just didn't sleep well Between dreaming and waking, I felt the car shaking obviously twice again, because it was outdoors and there was no psychological burden, so I didn't make any response.

After six o'clock, my aunt called me and said that her sister stayed up all night, because she didn't adapt to the environment, because mosquitoes kept biting, and the little guy kept awake and crying. We have to hurry home. But at this time, everyone became frightened, and the response to the earthquake reached a state of fear and fear. I always stare at drinking buckets and teacups to see if the water is shaking. When I sit on the sofa and feel the sofa moving, I will solemnly say, "It seemed to move again just now!" " "There will be ready to call you run! In fact, there are many aftershocks of the water shaking in the cup in one day, and the aftershocks of the chandelier shaking are twice as big! We have packed our clothes, bought dry food and stood at the door with an umbrella, ready to rush down, but in the end we didn't rush out, and many people have already rushed out! Because it was too uncomfortable to sleep outside, 13 We simply slept at home that night, but I was always on my guard because I was worried that the little guy didn't sleep well at all. I can run very fast myself, but not if I hold the little guy! And panic is likely to stumble, so we must react quickly to gain time, and we must not be careless! Actually, I infer that aftershocks can't exceed magnitude 5? 12 magnitude, since 5? 12 Chengdu is not dangerous, so the aftershock Chengdu is definitely not dangerous. But Chengdu residents who have never experienced such a violent earthquake are obviously frightened, and the tension they created has also infected me! I'm nervous too! At noon that day, I received a short message from Li Yong, informing me to store water quickly, because the Dujiangyan chemical plant leaked water and the water source in Chengdu was polluted! So everyone rushed to find pots and pans to store water! I don't think water can be used. How did this happen? So I quickly asked the water delivery company to send five buckets of water, and there were only two buckets left! And people in the mall are also snapping up mineral water! At this time, I have considered whether to withdraw from my hometown Longchang or simply go to Kunming where my wife and brother are located! Turn on the TV, and the TV station is repeating the rumor that there is no water leakage in the China factory and there is no problem with the water in Chengdu! I should be relieved, but because our party is a liar, even if it is true this time, I can't believe it, so I made a direct phone call to President Qing Guangya of Dujiangyan. He said: "There was no chemical plant leakage, but a fire caused by a gas explosion! "I'm relieved!

I haven't had a comfortable meal for two days in a row. /kloc-on the morning of 0/4, I finally made three soups with my heart. Steaming, delicious and delicious dishes have been prepared, and tomato and egg soup is almost ready. Just then, I suddenly got a call from Fox, saying that there was a big earthquake between one and two, and told me to evacuate quickly. As soon as I saw that the time was 1 p.m. 16, a major earthquake could happen at any time, so I immediately turned off the fire and told everyone to hurry! My wife is still reluctant to part with the delicious food! And my aunt's five-year-old son can't bear to eat one or two as soon as he makes jiaozi! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Compared with life, what is a good meal and a bowl of glutinous rice balls? If a devastating earthquake happens suddenly, will it be too late for my mother-in-law? Women are irrational and indecisive like children! Rushed to Waldorf, where many students and parents have gathered. It's raining lightly, so we've been sitting under the big tent, because many children are noisy there, and the little guy hasn't been able to sleep well, as if he were in a low mood! After a while, we felt two obvious shakes. I estimate that the magnitude of the epicenter is about five or six, which is still worrying for people in the epicenter area, but the magnitude generally decays by two levels from the epicenter to Chengdu, that is, three or four. What's the problem? People are really scared. Because the shaking was so slight, we even judged that the big earthquake had not yet arrived. After five o'clock in the afternoon, my wife and I finally decided to go home. Because even if we can stand such an environment, the little guy can't stand it. /kloc-on the evening of 0/4, I still got up the courage to sleep at home. Considering my family, especially that little guy, I'm still alert at any time, or I'm half asleep. I just feel that I care more about my family, especially my daughter, than my students! At about eleven o'clock that night, another strong earthquake happened. The mothers of three children under one year old who live in my house reacted quickly and rushed out of the room with their children in their arms, while everyone else in the same community had basically gone downstairs. As soon as the vibration subsided, I told everyone not to go out, but I didn't trust them, so I told them to sleep in peace. I sat alone in the living room and watched it all night, so I stayed up all night. I spent the next few days in this panic. After several days of tension, anxiety and sleepless nights, I feel exhausted. I feel, I'm afraid we will collapse before the earthquake comes! I'm really afraid of coming, but I don't know when. Fear is the most terrible! /kloc-on the evening of 0/7, I began to sleep peacefully. 18, I even breathed a sigh of relief. I am no longer suspicious, because my stool has moved and my eyes have been fixed on the water glass! I slept comfortably that night and felt more than half of my energy restored. Then at ten o'clock in the evening, I saw people in the community fleeing, saying, "TV informed that there will be six to seven aftershocks today and tomorrow!" " "I quickly turned on the TV, and sure enough, the TV is playing emergency notices repeatedly! Many friends also called to inform, and the atmosphere suddenly became very tense! After a calm analysis, I said, "As the name implies, the aftershock area refers to the area where aftershocks occurred, and Chengdu is obviously not in the aftershock area. In this case, we shouldn't worry! "My wife insisted on going out. She said: "TV said nothing but Chengdu! You are not an earthquake expert! "Considering that there are three children living at home, I finally decided to go out together for their safety. At this time, the street was in chaos! I spent another night on Waldorf campus! The little guy was so excited that he stayed up almost all night, and wow, I don't know what to say! The foreign teacher Waldorf who slept next to him reminded me to keep my voice down. I didn't expect this little guy's "whoa whoa whoa whoa ..." voice to get louder. Everyone laughed! The child doesn't know the seriousness of the matter, just for fun! That night, I slept in the car for three or four hours. After nearly ten days of tension and fatigue, my body finally collapsed, with a stuffy nose and a headache. Obviously, I have a bad cold! Fortunately, the earthquake seems to have finally passed! In the following time, the frequency and intensity of earthquakes are decreasing. Maybe you can feel at ease gradually.