Hidden wound

Early in the morning, she took the test paper to take another exam, one. But her heart is still uneasy, immersed in the anxiety of being pregnant again. Then my boyfriend and I went to the hospital. He had been coughing for many days.

In the car, my boyfriend opened a circle of friends and saw a photo of a girl. She asked, "Who is this? Why do you want to see her photo? " The boyfriend replied, "My former colleague was his wife. I didn't see it clearly, I ordered it. " I don't know how long she has been washing clothes. When she came back, she saw her boyfriend turn off the ipad. She asked half jokingly, "What are you peeking at?" Boyfriend broke out. "I have been ill for many days. I always do. How could you do this to me? I don't have the energy to continue answering your questions. " The inevitable quarrel.

She chose to leave the conflict and her boyfriend. On the way, she stopped thinking about what had just happened, but all the grievances suddenly welled up in her heart, and everything just now was suddenly filled with the feeling of revenge.

"I'm already like this. How can you do this to me? " This sentence tells a secret wound in her heart, which was formed about a year ago. If it is not made public in some form, it may become a past that she will never forgive. Compared with a few casual questions just now, she felt that she should ask the sentence "How can you do this to me after what I have done?" That man.

Speaking of which, her physical condition is not particularly good. She has been abnormal since menarche. Other girls do it once every 28 days, she does it once every 60 days, the best time is once every 40 days, and the most exaggerated time is before the college entrance examination. She hasn't seen Hong for about half a year. Of course, at that time, she was so pure that she didn't even dare to shake hands with her first love. Of course, she is not ignorant enough to think she is pregnant. Because of irregular menstruation, she is often worried that she will not be pregnant and have no fertility.

About irregular menstruation, my mother always told her that it was normal, because my mother was like this when she was young, and she gave birth to it. But she still can't believe in her fertility and can't forgive the fact that she has irregular menstruation. I did a lot of tests, and the B-ultrasound showed normal, and the hormone showed normal. I also tried to take Chinese medicine for a while. After a while, the cycle stabilized at 40 days, and she stopped making progress. She gave up. She finally realized that she could not have a 28-day menstrual cycle. But questions about infertility have been lingering in her mind.

Later, she finally met her current boyfriend, and their relationship was not smooth. They have been running in for too long, and they are on and off. Finally, when he got back together after breaking up a year ago, he didn't wear a condom. She acquiesced in this because she always had a vague belief that she could not have children. Under this belief, another possibility cannot be ruled out. She may want to prove that she can do it in this way, even if she doesn't want children at all.

Unfortunately, I was really caught. Irregular menstruation cannot be judged by time. She bought a test paper and spent several mornings in a bar. She thought, maybe she thought too much. However, pimples obviously began to grow on my face, my chest kept swelling and I vomited for a few days. She treated gastroenteritis, taking medicine and hanging water. According to my experience, under normal circumstances, my period will come as scheduled about ten days after my chest pain. It's been fifteen days this time, but nothing has happened, and my stomach will still ache faintly.

She couldn't stand it any longer and decided to go to the hospital for a blood test. Hcg200+, the doctor said, I'm pregnant, but I can't see it by B-ultrasound, so I can't do the operation. Come back in half a month. An unexpected and unexpected fear followed. At that time, her boyfriend was on the plane home, and she called her best friend, who advised her to have a baby.

But how could she? Shortly after graduation, my work was a mess and my feelings were unstable. Besides, she doesn't want children at all. This child is definitely unwanted, and she also told her boyfriend later. Her boyfriend was not very firm when he advised her to have a baby, but he soon agreed to take the baby away.

The days before the operation were very painful. Her body is very sensitive, and her early pregnancy reaction is very obvious, with vomiting, irritability, acne and chest pain. She also insisted on working as if nothing had happened and insisted on not mentioning it to her parents. She resisted the child wholeheartedly. Before the operation, the doctor told her that she had a uterine malformation and was not easy to get pregnant, and suggested that she keep the child. There are ten thousand roars in her heart. "It's not easy to get pregnant. Why am I so pregnant? " ! "She almost didn't struggle to sign.

At that time, she was even a little excited. She found that she could have children. She proved that she was a person who lived for herself through surgery. She shouldn't be bound by children so early. But at the same time, she was afraid because she had to face a cold scalpel. Before that, she had never suffered more physical injuries than being cut by a knife, and had never received more operations than sewing two stitches on her knee.

During that time, her boyfriend was very gentle with her, and she was very moved. After all, she acquiesced at that time, and there was not much blame in her heart. This time, it was almost a * * * trouble, which narrowed the distance between us, although it was her who really went to the operating table.

Until the morning of the operation. A group of girls, wearing hospital gowns, came to the operating room from the ward and lined up for this cruel operation. Cell phone and boyfriend are in the ward, only poor girls are around, full of fear or used to it for a long time. The doctor called people in coldly, just like an ordinary leader talk.

Now think about that long half an hour or an hour, she can't remember clearly, only remember that tears almost came out, and her heart was full of fear of going to the operating table. She remembers what she learned. Abortion is very harmful to girls. She once put boys on stage to simulate that feeling. Later, boys all said that they should take good care of their girlfriends. She remembers all this clearly, but how did she get here?

That's probably when she blamed herself and her boyfriend. Fear, remorse and shame before entering the operating room are intertwined, and you can't tell others, let alone your parents. When she entered the operating room, she even had some pain, but soon a needle of anesthetic was inserted and she lost consciousness. When I woke up again, I only heard people around me say that this was an awakening room, and then there was great pain. I don't know who pushed her back to the ward. The body that is not fully awake feels heavy and has severe pain in the uterus. She finally burst into tears in the ward.

From that moment on, my boyfriend and I seem to be tied together, which is a love-hate relationship. On the day of the operation, she was discharged from the hospital, leaving little time for the so-called little moon. Then he went to work, so did she. In the next few days, my boyfriend was as considerate as possible, but for her, it was a light takeaway. Later, I remembered that she was self-pitying, didn't take good care of her body and didn't recover her emotions, so I let this matter cut a hole in her heart and didn't know how long it would take to recover, and then I put it down. As for the unborn baby, she is not without guilt or fantasy. She thought it was about a girl, because many years ago, a fortune teller said that her first child was a daughter, but the fortune teller probably didn't know that she would choose to abort her.

However, things are unpredictable. If we say that there is no good farewell, no good care, and the seeds are sown for her sadness, then the next thing is doomed to her tragic future.

One day after the operation, several of her friends had dinner together, a man and a woman. When she got home, she couldn't remember what she had quarreled with her boyfriend. Then things got out of hand. Her boyfriend started to rummage through her cell phone until midnight. Then he got angry and said that a boy had an affair with her at dinner that day. She was single, but she didn't tell the truth and went to dinner. She really doesn't remember. She probably asked her out, but when she went to dinner, she didn't remember what happened. At that time, she was still recovering physically and her mood was not fully recovered. She has no spare energy. But she immediately apologized and coaxed, too late, maybe it was destiny takes a hand's sadness. It was a cold winter. After a quarrel, she walked outside for more than an hour, and her whole body was frozen. With tears on her face, she went to borrow someone else's mobile phone to call her boyfriend, but there was no pain or relief in his eyes. She can't continue to recall, and she can't remember how it ended, but soon after, a second fierce quarrel broke out between them, or during the Spring Festival, which passed in a daze.

In other words, within one month after the abortion operation, without doing anything unforgivable, she not only failed to get good care, but also had two serious arguments passively. Shortly after the second quarrel, she began to find herself in the wrong mood. She began to feel worthless and desperate for the future, and would cry when sitting in the office.

So she went to ask a former teacher, who recommended a psychological counselor. Of course, she also went to the hospital, and the doctor said that she was "depressed and anxious". Great. Depression.

The sequela of that incident is probably mainly "depression". Because for her, "anxiety" is actually a long-term emotion that has existed for a long time. But more importantly, she began to suffer from "pregnancy phobia". Although she has never been so unscrupulous as that time, she always suspects that she is pregnant again as long as her period is delayed. This aggravated her anxiety, and she was not even satisfied with the result of the examination paper. As soon as she suspected, she went to the hospital for a blood test. In her medical record, there were at least four pregnancy tests, and at least two of them had menstruation on the day of the examination.

So, she chose a urine test this morning because she accepted the advice of the consultant. "You can only use a piece of test paper. When the urine test has no results, there is no way to do surgery anyway. " In order to reduce the anxiety of going to the hospital, she accepted the suggestion, but her doubts still did not completely dissipate.

Thinking of this, I am full of resentment towards my boyfriend. He chose to quarrel when he was so fragile. This time it was just a small cough, but two small questions, "How could you do this to me after what I did?" She really wanted to ask him, "Why did you do that to me?"

But she was afraid, she was afraid of her hysteria and uncontrollable scenes. She is not the brave girl she used to be. She has to bear too much to live a good life.

She had to run away.