Jokes about stocks, humor

1. Shareholder Lao Zhao wants to give a gift to his colleague Xiao Zhao. His wife said that you are the oldest in the company. Why curry favor with a young man? Lao Zhao said: Mainly in the medium and long term, Xiao Zhao has a postgraduate degree and a background of studying in regular classes. He belongs to the high-tech field. Although he is young, he has made outstanding achievements and is well received by all parties. His hometown is in Shaanxi, and he has some western concepts. At present, I am madly in love with our director's daughter, which has potential reorganization themes; It is said that his father holds a high position in the province, which shows that the controlling shareholder is very powerful ... With so many advantages, Xiao Zhao's career will definitely have a broad space for growth. Giving him a gift now is like raising money in a low position. In the future, once he goes public as an official, he will give me dividends or a large proportion of equity.

2. The restaurant owner posted a job advertisement, and three people came to apply ... The boss asked the first one, "What's your specialty?" "I am a trader." "How is the craft?" "Nothing, just that I can speculate the stock price from 5 yuan to 50 yuan." "Great, I just need a chef here, and that's you." The second person handed in his resume, and the boss flipped through it and said, "Oh, it's a stock review. Tell you the truth, your job is to stand at the door every day and give me a hand when you meet someone. Isn't this hard for you? " He turned to the third man and asked, "What do you do?" The man blushed and said nothing. The second man quickly said, "I brought him here. He was born in retail. Just arrange a job to wash dishes and sweep the floor. " The boss is a little embarrassed: "I am very advanced here. Why do I want retail investors? " Just then, I heard a noise in the hall. The boss quickly called the waiter and asked her what was going on. The waiter replied: "Today, the buyer forgot to buy meat, and the food ordered by the guest could not be delivered for a long time. He is losing his temper. " The boss suddenly panicked. At this time, the retail investor next to him suddenly pulled out a sharp knife, straightened his trouser legs, cut off a large piece of meat with a knife and threw it bloody to the waiter: "Take it first to save the emergency." He turned to his boss and said, "I have no other skills." Cutting meat is always done. Ask them both. " "Very well, let's go to work today.

3. Men say that women are like stocks. The stocks that were optimistic at the beginning have been falling since they were bought, and the shortcomings and weaknesses that were not seen before have been exposed. Once thrown out, it becomes so cute in other people's hands. I also have favorite stocks, which I think are cute after buying, but there are too few such stocks and too few such women.

Women comment on men: men are like stocks. High-priced stocks do not necessarily make money. Although some stocks are not expensive at present, their prospects are still good. This kind of stock is the most promising. So when choosing a boyfriend, don't look at how much money he has now, but look at whether he has a future.

4. The family that has been through many battles has been tested in the stock market, with brilliant achievements and good character. After drinking, he joked that the stock market was gentle and eloquent, which was equivalent to the holy angel opening the devil's dictionary, which made the master and doctor trained in the class absolutely dumbfounded: "What is a stock? Stocks are prostitutes. The loss rate of famous prostitutes is high, and those with low loss rate can't get rid of it. What is a shareholder? Shareholders are customers; Usually scrimp and save, but spend money on prostitutes. Prostitutes circle money and give heartache. What is a brokerage? The broker is a pimp; Johns hooked up with prostitutes once, and then they got some money. What is a stock reviewer? The stock reviewer is an old military doctor. I'll give you an injection of penicillin of unknown origin that you dare not use yourself. " There are also several authentic stock reviewers with consulting qualifications at the same table. After listening, they all laughed and worked together to extend: "What is a performance report? That's a prostitute's health certificate, issued twice a year; The United States comes once a quarter. Any guesses about the interim results? It is nothing more than the beauty of prostitutes, and the AIDS test is temporarily negative. What is a reservation? Remind players of the hidden diseases of the stocks they play and be responsible to investors. What do you mean, no dividends, no shares, no dividends? Bah! " If you are angry about whoring, you want prostitutes to give you kickbacks. No way! "Short-term is a one-night stand, and long-term is equal to small three! If it's not good, it's time to start sweeping pornography. ....

5. When I entered the stock market, there were gentle flowers everywhere, dazzling, and a * * * bought four or five stocks for a few dollars, which was small.

Fang Xiaoyu doesn't want to be separated from anyone. She feels a little polygamous. It didn't take long for you to find out that you should make a few stocks and go to one.

It's more difficult to get along with each other than a few women who are not jealous.

Practice has made you understand that although many stocks have little risk, they can earn less, and non-professional retail investors like me can't do it at all.

Seeing so much inventory, you usually have to carry a gas tank to wash diapers, right? Who threw rotten tomatoes in my face? Sue!

I told you not to throw things around. Moonlight box is a treasure. Littering will pollute the environment. How bad it would be if you hit the child.

It's not good to play flowers and plants.

Finally, make up your mind to love only one, swear to adhere to the basic national policy of monogamy, and you will begin to approach maturity.

Shareholder (male). Even if you are fully prepared in advance, you can't change your plan in the short term.

Change the midline, change the fate of the long line from the midline, and you begin to understand the famous saying of previous martyrs that wives are always good to others.

. There are four stupid sayings popular in Beijing, two of which are "stock trading becomes a shareholder, chasing a woman into a husband", and the two are in the same breath.

In fact, the punch line is continuous. You start to become a shareholder.

The question is, can you guarantee that a sexy woman in a low-cut skirt keeps ogling you? Don't you mean to be a mule?

There are always so many myths and endless temptations in the stock market. Don't use profound dharma from the heart.

Thought taught me that if you don't go out to eat meat, I'll hit you in the face with rotten eggs. Didn't Jison say:

I don't blame you. The world is so complicated. I left you alone in this world.

Like the strong wind in spring, it blows at night and you start having an affair. China's B-share miracle these months is like extramarital affairs, B-share.

Open to domestic residents for 2.28 days, unlimited every day for one week. It's tempting for a man who spent his honeymoon, but he can't taste it.

A week later, the daily limit of 60% increase was opened, which made most people doubt again, just like most men are more or less like this.

Less sense of family responsibility. In your hesitation, B shares kept telling you about her with an increase of 150%.

Charm, when you finally decide to embark on the happy train of extramarital love and feel the sweetness of Xanadu,

It's 6. 1 quilt cover. This reminds people of a movie line: she is a fairy, so don't ... let alone the world.

There are no fairies in the world! (It seems that she is referring to Liu Bei)

Once you can't bear it, sell the stock and look back indifferently. A beautiful woman blushed in the dim light.

Stocks are like women. What interests you most is that she is flushed, and what scares you most is that she is livid (

When it is green. You don't know how many deadpans and faces you have to endure for a woman's blushing.

Metallic gray. Stocks are like women, you'll never guess her mood.

Stock trading is like an Hong, hungry and sleepy.

6. An old oil developer was called by the Lord after his death and met St. Peter at the gate of heaven. St Peter told him good news and bad news. The good news is that he is eligible to enter heaven, but the bad news is that there is no room for oil developers in heaven. The old oil developer thought for a while and told St. Peter to talk to the existing residents. St. Peter thought it was no big deal and agreed. I saw the old oil developer shouting to the sky: oil was found in hell! After a while, I saw the door of heaven opened and all the oil developers ran to hell. St Peter said to the old oil developer in surprise, "Awesome! Awesome! Now you can go in, "but the old oil developer paused and said," No! I had better go with them. The rumor may be true! 」。

7、

The big trader of a big institution has been in the stock market for many years, with brilliant achievements and good personality. After drinking, he joked that the stock market is gentle and eloquent, which is equivalent to the holy angel opening the devil's dictionary, making the master's and doctor's students trained in the class absolutely dumbfounded: what is stock, stock is a prostitute. The loss rate of famous prostitutes is high, and those with low loss rate can't get rid of it. What is a shareholder? Shareholders are customers; Usually scrimp and save, but spend money on prostitutes. Prostitutes circle money and give heartache. What is a brokerage? The broker is a pimp; Johns hooked up with prostitutes once, and then they got some money. What is a stock reviewer? The stock reviewer is an old military doctor. Let you give you an injection of Penicillium of unknown origin that you dare not use yourself! !

8、

Xiao Liu just opened an account and came to the stock market.

I bought a securities newspaper at the door when someone said, "Hello! New investors! "

Xiaoliu leng: "How do you know?"

The man said, "Except the date of the newspaper is true, everything else is false. How can old investors buy it! "

When Xiao Liu entered the hall, there were already many people. He stood behind others and looked at the computer. Someone greeted him: "Hello! New investors! "

"How do you know?"

"Old investors have already come to seize the opportunity, but you have come so late!"

Liu Yi Jr. also listened. He sat down and looked at the big screen. A person next to him said, "New investors!"

Xiaoliu was stunned again: "How do you know?"

"Old investors are playing poker, and there are no stocks to see!"

Small six at first glance, yes, few people look at the screen.

At noon, little Liu Qu bought a box lunch outside. The seller said, "Oh. . oh . , new investors! "

"How do you know! ? "

"Old investors don't buy lunch boxes, they all go home for dinner after 3 o'clock."

Xiao Liu was said to be a new shareholder all morning, and he was a little annoyed. He made up his mind to study hard and strive to become an old shareholder as soon as possible.

After dinner, he saw a bunch of people discussing stock tickets, so he leaned in to listen. After a while, someone patted him: "Hey! New investors! "

"How do you know! ! "

"How can an old stockholder listen to 10 minutes without talking!"

Small six had to * * *, didn't speak.

In the afternoon, Xiao Liu decided to buy a stock. He is optimistic about a man named Shenhua Holdings, who spent more than 8 yuan last month, and now it is only more than 4 yuan. He just wanted to buy it when someone nearby said, "Hey! New investors! "

"How do you know! ! ! ? "

"Old shareholders can't buy ex-dividend shares!"

Xiao Liu gritted his teeth and stopped buying. He thought, I can't let others see that I am a new stockholder.

At the close, Xiao Liu finally decided to buy a stock. He bought 100 shares of 600839.

The man didn't want to be seen, so he said, "Hey! New investors! "

"How do you know! ? ! ? ! ? "

"Old investors can't buy Changhong!"

Small six heart this regret!

At the close, there was a stock review in the sales department, and Xiao Liu was listening carefully. Someone said, "Yo! New investors! "

"How do you know! ! ! ! ! "

"Old investors can't listen to stock reviews."

Small six go toward outside walk, was blocked by people, "hey! New investors! "

"How do you know! ! ! ! ! "

"How can an old stockholder leave without going to the toilet!"

Xiao Liu came out of the sales department and went home by bike. The old man watching the car said, "Hey! New investors! "

"How do you know! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "

"The old investors who went home after the close talked at the door of the sales department, and those with cars were placed in the corridor!"

Xiao Liu fainted. . . . .

After Xiao Liu fainted, ...

Just when I opened my eyes, I found an old lady picking him up. I just want to say "thank you". The old lady smiled like a mother and said, "Son, are you a new investor?"

Small six frightened, "how do you know? Did you just fall in the wrong position? "

Aunt handed Xiao Liu the magnetic card, code card and ID card that had just fallen to the ground when he fainted. "Be careful, son, how can an old stockholder put these three together?"

……

Just a few steps away, a beggar reached for money.

Xiao Liu was kind-hearted and gave all the change left in her pocket to the beggar. The beggar's green face squeezed out a strange smile. "Good man, are you a new stockholder?"

Small six began to sweat, the in the mind whisper "depend! Do beggars know? "

"How do you know! ! ! ! ..... too little? "

Fearing that he would take the money back, the beggar quickly said, "I have been asking for money at this door for a long time." Those regular investors always give me eighty cents, one dollar and six dollars, while you give me one dollar and four dollars. Old investors don't like this amount ... "

Small six completely dizzy, afraid to ride a bike, had to push back, an old man turned to look at him for a while, "young man, the new investor?"

Small six only feel naked walking in the street, a shame, because the elderly are elders, not easy to attack. The old man smiled and said, "How can old investors come to the securities department to see stocks in green?" Look at the bear printed on your schoolbag! ! "

Xiao Liu was careful of many bosses. Oh, people are wearing a red T-shirt with the world-famous team logos of Chicago and Chicago Bulls printed on their chests! The old man looked at Xiao Liu with a disappointed face, glanced around, bent down and said mysteriously to him, "To tell you the truth, my underwear was picked up by my wife with pure cotton red cloth, which is breathable, durable and auspicious ..."

Xiao Liu finally came home in the dark, only to find a red-faced monk begging for alms from his wife Cui Hua. "Master, are you back?"

Xiao Liu nodded weakly. Seeing him like this, the monk folded his hands and said, "Amitabha, is this benefactor a new shareholder?" ……"

Small six fell to the ground again. ...

According to neighbors, Xiao Liu slept at home for three days. ...

Besides, as soon as I hear the advertisement "Everyone knows ……", I will vomit on TV. I'm not sure whether it's "get used to it when you throw up".

Xiao Liu slept for three days and came to stock market again today.

As soon as I went in to see the market, I bought two directly. A buddy next to him smiled and asked, "New investor, right? ! "

Xiao Liu was slapped in the face, but he didn't fall down. The buddy smiled and said, "Old investors are selling, only you are buying. Didn't you watch the economic channel yesterday? Rogers doesn't understand? ! "

............

When the market closed in the afternoon, Xiao Liu looked at the confused and declining two cities, slumped in his chair with his eyes glazed over, passed by a stockholder next to him and asked, "New stockholder?"

Small six weak gossamer: "Why do you say I am a new stockholder?"

Old investors are used to losing money, and only new investors lose money.

Small six immediately spit out dozens of blood.

9. The stock I recommended recently is 600642. After a friend followed up, the power stocks rose immediately, but Shenneng only rose by 1 1 point in two days, and the people's SDIC Power had two daily limit, and my friend was very depressed. Call and ask me how to choose this stock. I said, I used to be a fortune teller for a while when I was down and out. Buying stocks now is basically a test of "knowledge accumulation" in previous fortune telling. My friend fainted and asked me how to calculate.

I said, I'll tell you the Book of Changes, but you don't move. Let's divide the roles. Simpler: Have you noticed that if you apply for this word, you will turn around, and this word is the A word. Therefore, it is impossible for this stock to have a daily limit, and it is impossible to lead the rise. If you don't take the lead, it will get better later. Don't believe me, just wait and see.

The friend said, "Hey, this fortune teller is a bit interesting. Stocks tend to rise fast and fall fast, but they have the stamina to rise tepidly. "

I said, "Look at the word" Shen "again and move your feet. That's a word "you". So you have to let go. That's right. It will surprise you. "

My friend stunned me: you have a point. "I can't help but praise my fortune-teller."

Hehe, I can't just let him know that he is happy and throw cold water on him. I immediately said, "But. . . . . There are also places to be careful. Look at the word shenneng. If something goes wrong, it will happen to it. If you add four dots under it, it will become a bear, and that is falling. So once this stock falls by four points, be careful. "

10. When you find that you understand the K-line, you will find that you have a good stock. (primitive stage)

When you can look at the moving average, you will find it easy to make money. (primitive stage)

When you can read the indicators, you can already recommend stocks; (Less than half a can of water)

When you learn that the short-term is the 54 cards that Tang Yin can pass, you have already begun to dream of a billionaire; (terror)

If you say more guns, you will be in trouble. (hehe)

When you gradually doubt yourself, you begin to make progress; (gradual stage)

When you get to know an iron, you find that the stock market is no longer a joke and you can't be lazy-discipline! ! ! ; (gradual stage)

When you keep an eye on the lifeline of Line 3 and Line 30, your mentality begins to doubt-why does it go up when it is flat on the 3rd, go up when it is flat, go out when it just turns in the morning, and the market surge disappears?

The 30-day line doesn't seem to be the lifeline either, and the rising stock will be alive in a few days. On the 30 th day, will the short-term and medium-term meet at the top? (gradual stage)

When you choose horses with 8 1, 83, the morning market enters, rises, enters and is quilt? Why?

Using kdj*** vibration, the operation is frequent, and it is found that the funds are stagnant or even retrogressive;

When you look closely at short-term heroes, you find that they only rely on these operations, which are written for stock critics, used to say, and have no practice; (gradual stage)

When you get bored, you find that the original iron lyrics are the most useful, "the soul is a mountain that has cried." . . . . . The heart is still the same, and the meaning is strong-"continue to fight! ! !

When you have more and more reasons, you will be saved if you find the way to climb the peak in Aoki! ! !

When you realize the significance of not keeping the attack, you will understand the truth of low suction and the risk of chasing up;

When you no longer see a big pillar shouting, you will be good at changing hands; (striding to the stage)

When you understand the meaning of moving average flow, you will understand how different the upper and lower moving average flows are, and the 30-day line has become a line in the river; (striding to the stage)

When you understand that rising depends on support and falling depends on pressure, your thinking begins to reverse; (Look at the mountain, not the mountain stage)

When you know that the arrows shot on the cliff and the ground are different, you will understand what is useful knowledge and what is knowledge used to cultivate sentiment;

When you understand that success or failure is empty and that God will be kind to everyone, your eyes will see farther than others; (see mountain or mountain childish type)

When you read the book (the road to the top) five times like a friend chatting, you suddenly find that you can't do any moves (there are no moves in this book), but you can read the stock, you can read it! ? It turns out that you have practiced martial arts in the stock market, and practicing martial arts is the foundation;

Experience multiple guns again, and feel isolated from the world, so it will work! ! !

When you study in the iron works again, you won't envy others with a self-reproach mentality. (Gradually become a senior shareholder)

When you think there is no trick, you are wrong again; Your skills are far from enough. Your mental knowledge is entry-level. Facing the market of the best player in the world, you deserve to be naive now! ! ! At this time, you have focused on price and quantity, and you will find how superficial the K-line you learned before is. How much have you learned from the classical theory? . . . . .

When you begin to learn Gann's theory, you will find that a lot of knowledge is familiar. It turns out that Tang, Tie and Mu embarked on the same road in different courses, including Gann, including you and me.

When you understand the stock market, you realize the value of knowledge. You have completed a cycle. Don't underestimate Tang Nengtong, Tiezhi and Aoki. . . . . . Just like going to college, don't underestimate the primary school teachers. They are all teachers you grew up with. Attacking and blaming each other is even less effective. But what is internal strength? Only practice.

When you are at a loss again and again and deny yourself again and again, you are moving forward, moving forward steadily. The most important skill you practice is to find a high point every day and look as far as possible. . . . . (Completely promoted to senior shareholder)

1 1. A gecko got lost in front of the securities company. At this time, a big crocodile just climbed up from a distance. In desperation, the little gecko hugged the crocodile's leg and shouted at his mother. Crocodile's tears: Son, you just lost half a month in stock trading!

12. A battle-hardened family in Shenzhen has been tested in the stock market for a long time, with brilliant achievements and good character. After drinking, he joked that the stock market was gentle and eloquent, which was equivalent to the holy angel opening the devil's dictionary, which made the master and doctor trained in the class absolutely dumbfounded: "What is a stock? Stocks are prostitutes. The loss rate of famous prostitutes is high, and those with low loss rate can't get rid of it. What is a shareholder? Shareholders are customers; Usually scrimp and save, but spend money on prostitutes. Prostitutes circle money and give heartache. What is a brokerage? The broker is a pimp; Johns hooked up with prostitutes once, and then they got some money. What is a stock reviewer? The stock reviewer is an old military doctor. Let you give you an injection of penicillin of unknown origin that you dare not use yourself. " There are also several authentic stock reviewers with consulting qualifications at the same table. After listening, they all laughed and worked together to extend: "What is a performance report? That's a prostitute's health certificate, issued twice a year; The United States comes once a quarter. Any guesses about the interim results? It is nothing more than the beauty of prostitutes, and the AIDS test is temporarily negative. What is a reservation? Remind players of the hidden diseases of the stocks they play and be responsible to investors. What do you mean, no dividends, no shares, no dividends? Bah! If you are angry with prostitutes, you should expect prostitutes to give you kickbacks. No! " Short-term is a one-night stand, long-term is equal to a mistress! If it is not good, it is time to start sweeping pornography.