Family jokes _ humorous jokes

Encyclopedia of Family Jokes _ Humorous Jokes _ Specimens

An American fisherman named Robert made a specimen of the biggest fish he caught and hung it on the wall of his room. There is a sign hanging under each fish, which says: Big Carp. Robert Ray caught catfish in Silver Lake.

Robert Rae was arrested on the Essex River.

When the wife saw it, she hung a big photo of Robert on the wall, and there was a small sign that read: Robert Rae. Mary alice Robert was arrested in Flint.

Planting tulips

Mary and John ordered a batch of tulip bulbs. Mary urged John to plant several times, but John always put it off. Finally, Mary had to grow it herself. John is very happy. In spring, tulips bloom brightly, but the word ∨J is spelled out in the flower bed. HNISLAZY (lazy John).

John was amused by Mary's humor.

You have four cows in your hand.

John's daughter and son-in-law have always wanted to add some cows to their small ranch, but this plan has to be changed because of John's daughter's birthday. The son-in-law bought his daughter a very expensive watch as a gift, and her daughter liked it very much. The son-in-law said, be careful, baby, you are wearing four cows!

Warn the runaway wife

There is a notice in the newspaper: warn your runaway wife: the rogue you ran away with, the man who followed you every day, is my private spy sent to spy on you.

Detective, not your playboy.

Never violate

There is a basin of laundry on the ground, and Lala's miscellaneous housework is in front of her. The wife is worried with her child under one year old. She begged her husband: you can't help me with so much work.

Her husband said slowly, I must not infringe on your rights and interests.

Learn for practice.

The wife happily took the newly bought dishwasher home and said to her husband, you should learn the usage of the dishwasher well.

Husband: No, I don't want to learn any more. I've had enough trouble since I learned how to use the washing machine.

Birthday courtesy

He never helps his wife with housework. On his wife's birthday, he said to her on a whim, you don't have to wash the dishes today.

The wife was overjoyed and said, Great. Thank you for your help.

Mr. Wang replied, you can stay until tomorrow.

Delicious cake

Wife: Alas, your cake tastes terrible!

Husband: Strange! The recipe says this kind of cake is delicious.

family livelihood

Groom: Honey, let's discuss our married life. Are you the head of the family? Or the vice president?

Bride: Honey, I am not qualified to be president or vice president. I only play a small role.

Groom: What's your role?

Bride: I'm in charge of your family's finances and do family accounting.

Exceed sb's expectations

Colonel Blair came home and found his wife Anna and his lover Simon talking and laughing in the bedroom.

He was furious and pointed at Simon and scolded, asshole, get out of here.

Simon doesn't show weakness: you should get out, and Anna loves me, too.

Blair is still cursing, and Simon proposes a duel to decide who owns Anna.

When they came to another room, Simon said, we fired a gun in the air, and then two people lay on the ground and pretended to be dead to see who Anna would look for first when she came in. Whoever she looks for first means that she can have whoever she loves.

After two shots, Anna ran in and found both of them lying on the ground. She cheered at once and ran to the wardrobe and shouted, Honey, come out!

They are all dead.

be self-justifiable

A: My wife and I are the most democratic. If I agree with her, she will obey me; If not, I will obey her.

B: My wife and I are the most equal. We care about each other. I manage the living room, bedroom and kitchen, and she manages the servants and me.

C: I advocate dictatorship. I am responsible for the big things at home, and she is responsible for the small things. Fortunately, after five years of marriage, nothing important happened at home.

explain

Early in the morning, my husband and I were awakened by the ringing of the telephone. I mumbled to answer the phone. Who is it? Then a man's sad and urgent voice startled me. Phyllis, honey, don't hang up. Please listen to me, but I want to interrupt.

I promise you that I will never do that again. You are everything to me in this world!

But I am anxious to explain.

Don't! Listen to me, I will die without you!

At this moment, my husband standing next to me began to laugh.

There is someone outside you. Is it? Phyllis.

I'm not Phyllis! I shouted, you have the wrong number!

Why didn't you say so earlier? The man cried, and now I want to repeat these words!

After a pause, he added quietly, do you think this will work?

vindictive psychology

Henry's wife always complains that Henry can't make money and let her live a comfortable life.

One night, after watching TV, Henry was going to bed. His wife is taking off his coat and ordering him to close the curtains quickly. How embarrassed others are to see him!

Henry replied, it doesn't matter. If other men see you, he will close his own curtains.

dislike

Wife: Why do you go to the balcony every time I sing?

Husband: I want everyone to know that I'm not hitting you.

Family jokes _ classic humor jokes

Family jokes _ classic humor jokes _ the power of a wife

Hey, Kelly, have you ever experienced the power of a young wife?

It's terrible. Don't smoke, don't drink, and be scolded.

This is so frustrating.

Depressed, she also banned.

Anti-theft suit

A: I haven't lost my wallet since I put on the anti-theft suit designed by my wife.

B: Draw one for me quickly, and I'll make one when I get back.

A: From the outside, it looks very similar to your skirt, except there are no armholes.

Wife's first husband

The speaker asked her audience, "Who is smarter than Anand, more eloquent than phil donahue, more witty than Mel Bruce and more handsome than tom selleck?" ?

A poor voice came from the audience: my wife's first husband.

(of smoke) blown in from a chimney.

One afternoon, Professor Jack was walking along a country road and saw a farmer standing on the road eating dinner alone. The professor asked, why do you eat here alone?

Oh, sir. The farmer said that the chimney at home was a little smoky.

Professor Jack said: It is not very difficult to repair it. Let me have a look.

The professor walked to the farmer's door before the farmer could speak. He pushed the door and a broom fell on him. With a woman's cry, get out, you old rascal, or I'll kill you. The professor hurried back and said to the farmer, it doesn't matter. My chimney sometimes smokes.

equality

The aggrieved husband said to his wife: My family has two cars, two televisions and two bathrooms. Why can't there be two opinions?

Fortunately, it wasn't me.

A man who was afraid of his wife saw his wife knock over a cup of tea and whispered, fortunately, it wasn't me.

As long as the wife agrees

The humorist Esmoway said to his friend, I wrote a book about the patriarchal movement.

The friend asked happily: When will it be published?

It hasn't been sent to trial yet!

Which publisher did you send it to?

Send it to my wife, and she agrees to send it!

Think back to the beginning.

You're giving me the cold shoulder now! How good you were to me before you got married! If you encounter a puddle on the road, you can carry me there. But now you pretend not to see it.

What can we do? At that time, your weight was only half that of now!

Ask in advance

My husband is a football fan and is absorbed in watching football matches on TV.

My wife is standing on the ladder painting the wall. She turned to her husband and said, honey, if I fall off the ladder, can you call an ambulance for me during the game break?

Wash dishes

When Mr. and Mrs. Charlie were driving home from the movie, they suddenly saw a woman rushing out of the cinema, followed by a man.

Can I help you? Mr. and Mrs. Charlie parked the car next to that woman. Leave me alone, don't stop me, my husband caught up with me, and I have to wash dishes when I get home.

hunt for food

Husband: Tomorrow is our 20th wedding anniversary. We should kill a chicken.

Wife: Kill the chicken? Should it be responsible for our quarrels and disagreements over the past 20 years?

gift

Why are there roses on my desk today? The professor asked.

Because today is your wedding anniversary. The professor's wife replied.

Oh, then I must remember which day is your wedding anniversary, and I will send you a gift to make you happy.

High-priced antiques

The wife came home with an antique and said to her husband, you may be interested in it because my price is higher than the owner's asking price.

Clothes are three years old.

When the exhausted husband came home from work, he saw a box of cakes with three candles on it on the dining table. He asked in surprise, huh? Whose birthday is it today?

I only heard my wife's cold answer: Oh, it's this dress on me. I am 3 years old today!

A fickle wife

Mr Smith died suddenly. His wife cried and said, you left me without even leaving me a souvenir, which made me miss you so much!

She cried a few times and suddenly said to the doctor, please lend me a hammer.

The doctor asked, madam, what do you need a hammer for?

I want one of his teeth as a souvenir.

It's best to keep your husband's health intact. Anything else?

No, those are gold teeth!

Look on the bright side.

After the funeral, the girlfriend comforted the woman who had just lost her spouse: don't think bad, think good.

The new widow thought for a moment and said, this is the first time in 20 years that I know where he spent the night.

(early) morning

The mother was very angry with her daughter. This is the modern young people! Mother said to her friend: I made a boyfriend when I was 0/6 years old, but I forgot my mother's 32nd birthday.

Family humor jokes _ hilarious jokes

Family humor jokes _ hilarious jokes _ each has its own ideas.

Wife: You are so serious. Every time I see a beautiful woman, I forget I was married.

Husband: On the contrary! Every time I see a beautiful woman, what worries me most is that I am married.

Distinguish between insiders and outsiders

You can't forget. Before he died, Morgan told his wife that Butrick next door still owed us money from 50 yuan. Don't worry! I won't forget it.

Also, don't forget, we have to return markel 300 yuan.

Oh, my god. The wife shouted, you are talking nonsense again. A man told a friend the secret of his happy married life. My wife makes decisions on all the little things. On the other hand, he explained, I am responsible for making decisions on all major issues. We don't interfere with each other, never complain, never quarrel.

Very reasonable. The friend agreed. So, what did your wife decide?

She decides what kind of job I should apply for, what kind of house we should live in, what kind of furniture we should buy, where we should spend our holidays, and so on.

The friend was surprised: So what's the big thing you decided?

Call. The man replied, I decide who will be the prime minister, whether we should increase aid to poor countries, what attitude we should take towards the atomic bomb, and so on.

Listen to your wife.

At 2 o'clock in the morning, Chen Taida heard the sound of breaking the door in the living room and woke up her husband. Stand up and get out. She told her husband not to turn on the light. Jojo walked over and caught him off guard.

Mr. Chen obediently put on his robe. When he walked to the bedroom door, his wife added that she would bring me a glass of milk when she came back.

Wife's concern

After work, Mr Peter stayed in a small restaurant for a long time. When he got home, it was past 10, and Mrs. Peter was sitting at the dining table waiting for him. She didn't ask Mr. Peter where he went, but asked him if he wanted something to eat. Having no appetite, Mr. Peter went straight to bed.

At half past three in the morning, Mr. Peter was awakened by the alarm clock. He got up in a hurry, turned on the light, looked at the clock and shouted at his wife, asking her to explain.

Mrs. Peter calmly replied, honey, if it takes you four hours to get home after work, I think you need the same time to go to work. I don't want you to be late.

Rare opportunity

My wife eloped with someone else!

What time?

When I took a shower the day before yesterday.

Well, she must have waited a long time to get this chance.

absolutely right

A man asked his friend that he was very afraid of his wife and said, The Bible says that the husband is the wife's head. Is this your situation?

My friend's wife scrambled to answer, why not? I'm just his mouthpiece. I am in charge of talking, and he is in charge of nodding. The husband nodded his consent.

You are too old, don't you know I'm going to your house for dinner?

Of course, she argued with me about it for almost half an hour.

Miss your wife

Husband: Honey, you are on a business trip. I think you are going crazy.

Wife: Look at you. I've only been away for four days.

Husband: But I haven't found the key to the money drawer for four days.

And a chicken.

Roland has been visiting a relative for a long time. The host tried to send him away in different ways, so he and his wife agreed to quarrel at dinner, so that Roland would support one side and the other side could use it as an excuse to drive him away.

At dinner, the couple quarreled for a whole quarter of an hour over a trivial matter. In the meantime, Roland ate everything on the table.

You give me an opinion! The host asked Roland.

Roland said: I will stay here for another six weeks. I don't want to offend any of you.

Six weeks have finally passed and it's time for Roland to leave.

The master and his wife can't hold on any longer. They woke Roland up before dawn.

Get up! The chicken is crowing. The woman shouted.

What? Roland said sleepily, there is a chicken? Then I'll stay for another two days!

Guests feel at home.

The husband can't stand the torture of his fierce wife, so he runs away from home and lives in a hotel. The owner of the hotel opened a room for him, saying please that living in this room will make you feel at home.

Hearing this, the man shouted, Oh, my God, change my room quickly!

Unnecessary worry

The wife was seriously ill and the doctor declared her hopeless. So the wife said to her husband, I hope you can swear now.

What oath?

If you remarry, you must never give my clothes to your new wife.

The husband suddenly realized: I can swear this. To tell the truth, you don't have to worry at all, because I don't want to find a fat wife like you anymore.

A neat wife

My wife loves cleanliness so much that I can't stand it.

What happened?

Come to think of it, I got up at four o'clock in the morning to drink some water, but when I got back to the house, she had packed the bedding and covered the sofa bed with a cloth.

misunderstand

Honey. You misunderstood me. The husband said to his wife staring at the window of the fur shop, I suggest finding something to warm up. It means a cup of hot tea or something.

Why are you lonely?

In the evening, the wife said to her husband, honey, don't go to the beer hall today! I am so lonely at home alone.

I understand, Eliza. However, if I stay at home, then we will both be lonely.

About Family Jokes _ Humorous Jokes

Family jokes _ humorous jokes _ relive old dreams

Father Garmian and his wife talked about their youth, and the memories of the distant past excited them, so they decided to make an appointment by the river as they did when they were young.

At that time, the old man picked flowers and went to the river to wait. The old woman felt embarrassed to be seen. Father Gary mian is waiting for an empty game. Only when he got home, he saw his wife lying in bed in a sheepskin coat.

Dad shouted: How dare you stand me up?

The old lady buried her face in the pillow and said shyly, mom won't let me go.

Someone has to stay.

The husband is reading the evening paper. After reading an article entitled "Women live longer than men", he asked his wife: I really don't know why men leave first.

The wife explained that someone had to stay and tidy up the clothes!

false alarm

The wife complained that it was too cold at night and bought an electric blanket. The husband was afraid it was not safe. After a long explanation, he was willing to sleep in this electric blanket.

Before going to bed, my wife put a piece of ham in the oven and baked it at low temperature, so that I don't have to hurry to make breakfast when I get up in the morning.

After midnight, a burst of meat wafted into the bedroom, and the husband woke up from his dream, jumped up and shook his wife and said, honey, wake up, we are familiar.

value date

How did you change your husband's habit of staying out all night?

One night, he came back very late, so I quickly shouted, is that John? My husband's name is Jack.

Couple fun

Wife: Didn't you call me an angel before marriage?

Husband: Yes.

Wife: Why don't you call me that now?

Husband: Oh, honey, you should be happy. Now my mind is much more normal.

Wife (on board): If this ship is going to sink, will you save me or our children first?

Husband: Save myself first.

Wife: I had a dream last night that you promised me 200 yuan to buy clothes. Honey, can you realize my dream?

Husband: Of course. As luck would have it, I dreamed last night that I gave you 200 yuan! .

Fit clothes

Husband: Does the skirt I bought you still fit?

Wife: Yes, and it suits our four children very well.

Husband: Not bad? I have told you that this is a good dress!

Wife: That's not true. Every time the water shrinks, we only have four children, and now we dare not wash any more.

be elected

The politician said to his wife after the election:

Congratulations, dear, I was elected.

Are you kidding?

No, honey, there's no need to lie now!

It's not all the fault of the wine

The wife is reading the newspaper loudly: there was a serious flood in France, and the loss amounted to several million francs.

Look, there's one thing. The husband whispered, but you always said that everything was the fault of the wine.

The temptation is too great.

His wife told Bobby to go to his brewery to see how the wine was fermented, and told him to hurry back.

Three days later, Bobby hobbled home. His wife asked him angrily, where have you been?

Bobby: I was caught in a heavy rain on my way back from the brewery, so I took shelter under the big tree.

Wife: It rained for an hour that day. Where have you been since then?

Bobby sat down in the chair and said, I'm going back again.

Everything that should be closed is closed.

Henry's wife's rambling talk before going to bed made him very unhappy. One night, after chatting for a while, his wife asked Henry: Are all the doors and windows at home closed?

Henry replied, honey, everything should be turned off except your chatterbox.

Stay away from the wine

Wife: How do you drink water through a straw?

Dave: Yes! Because the doctor told me to stay away from alcohol.

Premature praise

Wife: I want to name the puppy Byron. My mother said it insulted the poet. Later, I wanted to change your name to it, but my mother couldn't say.

Husband: Your mother is very kind.

Wife: She said it would insult the puppy.

Can't blame the wine

The wife has a lot of complaints about her alcoholic husband. One day, she saw a news in the newspaper and said to her husband with the newspaper: Look, how dangerous it is to drink! The newspaper said that a young man was drunk, took a boat, fell off the boat and drowned.

The husband said quickly, let me have a look. Oh, he was not dead before he fell into the river. He drowned. How can you blame wine?

Appropriate education

Mr. and Mrs. Harry are fishing by the river. Mrs. Harry kept nagging. Soon, a fish was hooked. Mrs Harry: What a poor fish!