Super classic joke 200 points

Time piano

Hans boasted to his friends, "My piano is really great. Whenever I am wild, I will. "

Give me time. "My friend didn't believe me, so he started to play. Suddenly the wall was knocked at the door.

Then an old woman shouted, "Stop arguing, it's already twelve o'clock."

complain

The police officer who executed the death penalty walked into the cell and announced the order to the prisoner with a raincoat. prisoner

He said in surprise, "Do you want to go to the execution ground in such a heavy rain?" The police officer said, "What do you have to complain about?"

Yes, I have to come back in the rain! "

Seopyeonje

The sailor dragged the first mate into the office in a panic and couldn't say a word for a long time.

Here comes the word. The first mate couldn't bear it any longer, he said loudly; "Sing, sing!" seaman

He took a deep breath and sang, "Old friends will be forgotten, and he can never come back to us."

Suddenly, our captain fell into the water, a year and a half later than us. "

Bittersweet

The police informed Ted Robinson to claim the lost property. At the police station, a

A smiling policeman said to him; "Are you Mr. Ted Robinson?"

"I am." He replied. "Your bike has been found. That was five days ago, 400 miles away.

I found it in a small village outside. It has been transported to your home by train now. "

Ted was very surprised to hear the news. Twenty years ago, when he was fifteen, he didn't expect to be stolen.

The bike was found back.

The north wind goes home.

A sailboat returned to the port. The captain said angrily to the weatherman, "According to your weather forecast.

Yes, we thought it was the north wind, but in fact the upwind was blowing in the opposite direction! "

"Yes, captain," the weatherman said quietly, "this is because the north wind has turned back."

put the cart before the horse

When Schmier fell, Jonkel smiled gloatingly. Schmoore said, "What! you don't have

Have you read a sentence in the Bible' Don't rejoice when the enemy falls'? "

Joan Kerr said, "by the way,' you shouldn't be happy because the enemy fell', yes, but

I didn't say I shouldn't be happy because my friend fell! "

Instinctive reaction

Mr. and Mrs. Brown and their children live in a small house near London. Sometimes Mr. Brown comes first.

Sheng came home late from work. When his wife and children were asleep, he opened the room with his own key.

The child at the front door came into the room quietly.

One night, when he came home late, he lost his key, so he had to go near the house.

Ring the doorbell, but there is movement in the room. He rang the doorbell again, but there was still no movement in the room. Only Mr brown.

I knocked on the bedroom window and shouted at his wife, but she didn't wake up either.

At last he stopped, thought for a moment, and then said like a child, "Mom! I need to go to the bathroom.

So! "He spoke softly, but Mrs Brown woke up at once.

The rivers and mountains may change, but not one's essential nature

"Honey, I love you very much," the husband said to his wife, "but you shouldn't be so picky about everything.

It's all wrong This is driving me crazy. Well, I bet you can't stop picking hairs for a minute.

Gross. "

"Well, let's start now." The wife said.

After a while, she blurted out, "It's terribly hot in this room. Why do you always put

Is the air conditioner turned on very small? ""ha! I know you can't stay out of trouble for a minute. "Husband?

Can't help but shout out loud.

"Even so," the wife admitted, "how long did I persist?" "Three seconds."

"Three seconds, fuck you!" The wife shouted to her husband, "Didn't I tell you?"

Buy foreign watches? Those watches are not accurate at all! When Mrs. John came back from work, so did her husband.

Cleaning the room, her clothes are dirty and old, her hair is messy and her face is dusty. Her husband said:

"I came back from a hard day and saw you like this?" Their neighbor, Mrs Smith, is just.

Joe is here, too. When she heard Mr. John's words, she hurried home, carefully dressed and waited.

The husband is back.

When Mr. Smith got home, it was already late. He slowly pushed open the door and saw his wife Zheng following.

It was angrily shouted:

"What are you going to do tonight?"

A Fish Called Wanda

KFC: Two men tied the chain in front of the ATM and tied the trailer to one end.

The bumper tried to tear open the case of the ATM. As a result, it was not the ATM shell that was torn off, but the trailer's.

Safety bar. They were so scared that they fled the scene in a trailer. The chain is still in the ATM. insurance

The pole is still tied with chains, and the license plate of the car is still hanging on the bumper.

A man went to the drugstore, took out his gun, announced the robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head.

Then, he found that he forgot to punch a hole in the bag.

The policeman asked a thief caught red-handed, "Why do you have to steal from this shop?"

West? "

The thief replied, "because this shop is very close to my residence." You know, at present, society

It's so messy that I dare not leave home for long. "

A Fish Called Wanda

KFC: Two men tied the chain in front of the ATM and tied the trailer to one end.

The bumper tried to tear open the case of the ATM. As a result, it was not the ATM shell that was torn off, but the trailer's.

Safety bar. They were so scared that they fled the scene in a trailer. The chain is still in the ATM. insurance

The pole is still tied with chains, and the license plate of the car is still hanging on the bumper.

A man went to the drugstore, took out his gun, announced the robbery, and then took out a big bag and put it on his head.

Then, he found that he forgot to punch a hole in the bag.

The policeman asked a thief caught red-handed, "Why do you have to steal from this shop?"

West? "

The thief replied, "because this shop is very close to my residence." You know, at present, society

It's so messy that I dare not leave home for long. "

bikini

Wife: "If I go out in a bikini, how will everyone react?"

Husband: "That people will think that I got married after your money."

match

There is a wedding in the church. Someone is whispering. "Why should the bride and groom hold hands?

Hands? ""It's a habit, just like two boxers shaking hands before a match. "

match

Tom: "John, how is your little brother?" John: "He is injured and lying in bed."

Let's go "

Tom: "That's too bad. How did this happen? "

John: "We played a game to see who could lean farther out of the window, and he won."

Race.

On New Year's Eve, there was a man lying on the road. The onlookers asked noisily, "How did you do it?"

What happened? "

The man shouted angrily, "Try drinking as much as me!"

You too

Fiancee: "I don't have the courage to tell your father about my debt."

Fiancee: "You men are cowards! My father didn't have the courage to report his debts.

Sue you. "

Picasso's painting

Since Picasso's portraits became popular, many people claimed to be Picasso's students.

The painter held an abstract exhibition of paintings, which attracted many people. An old woman stood in front of a painting and muttered something to herself.

English: [What kind of painting is this] A person who knows how to paint said: [This is a self-portrait of the painter]

The old woman asked again: [What about the one on the right? ] The man said: [It's his wife] The old woman nodded and said:

I hope they don't have children! ! ]

Sleep behind closed doors

A tramp sleeps on a bench in Hyde Park. The park ranger stepped forward and said, "Hello! I want to/I want

Close the door! The tramp turned over and said, "Good, man, be careful not to make too much noise, okay?"

Really? "

Close-eye mirror

Seeing her daughter standing in front of the mirror with her eyes closed, the mother asked her daughter, "How did you do it?"

Huh? "

"I want to see how I sleep."

More exemptions and less exemptions.

Students from poor families. One day, he was going to visit an elder, so he wanted to get a haircut first.

Shave, but he only has twenty-five treasures in his pocket. However, he walked into a barber shop.

Shopping.

"How much does a haircut cost?" He asked the barber.

"Fifty students are too voltage." At this time, the teacher answered.

"What about shaving?"

"Twenty-five students are too voltage."

"Then, please shave my head!"

Degrade others and improve yourself.

Once upon a time, in a village, there was a monk who thought he was great because he could write several poems.

Always boasting in front of others and belittling others. It happens that there is a person in the village who also loves to write poems and finishes them every time.

Give it to the monk and ask him for advice. Monks are just looking for faults in their eggs. That man is very

In anger, he deliberately copied a poem written by a monk himself and graduated in front of all the donors.

Pass him the poem. When the monk saw that the poem was written by himself, he was a little panicked. He can neither speak poetry nor speak it.

Well, I want to belittle that man again. What shall we do? The monk closes his eyes for a while, and then slowly.

He said, "Well, it's a good poem. However, your handwriting is too poor! "

Change your mind too soon.

A general is training his soldiers to stand at attention, be at ease, turn left and right, etc. After a few minutes, there was another scholar

Private jack stepped out of the queue and shouted discontentedly to the general, "I'm tired of it." You've changed ten in a few minutes.

A few ideas!

table

After dinner, the husband asked his wife, Dear, I want to know why women use wisdom.

Wisdom is far less than her appearance.

The wife replied, because most men are stupid, but they are rarely blind.

Don't be afraid.

One day, the police found a little girl wandering alone in the street. She can't say her name.

Yao's name, and I don't know where he lives.

The police began to rummage through her pockets helplessly, hoping to find some clues.

The little girl didn't resist, but said softly, "Don't be afraid, I don't have a gun."

Stop counting.

When my husband and I traveled by car with our six children, I believed in our big family.

It will definitely attract attention. However, when a station wagon with many small brains overtook us from behind,

I was taken aback. "How many children are there in that car?" One of us asked.

When we caught up with the car, we found a small sign hanging on the back window of the car, which read

Write a few bold words: "Not counting, a *** 14!"

refrigerator

A circus strongman has a beautiful wife, but he is very suspicious. Some people think that his wife.

Deceive him and hook up with others. He rushed to Jia Jia's home, ran to the apartment on the fourth floor, rushed into the bedroom and found that

His wife is busy dressing and tidying her messy hair. There are two martini glasses and ashtrays beside the bed.

Two cigarettes still burning strengthened his conviction. He began to look for his wife in every corner of the apartment.

amateur

As soon as he entered the kitchen, he caught a glimpse of a well-dressed man rushing along the street. Hercules is very comfortable.

I grabbed the latest thing, which happened to be the refrigerator. He put the refrigerator outside the window.

The young man was killed as soon as his mouth fell, but he couldn't bear such a blow in his heart.

And die. The next day, three people were questioned by St. Peter at the Pearl Gate. St Peter asked the first man

How did he die? "I didn't have time to go to the appointment and was in a hurry to go out. Suddenly, there is a refrigerator.

On my head. "What about you?" St Peter asked Hercules. "My Lord, I'm lifting ice.

The box ... ""That's enough! " The guard reprimanded and interrupted Hercules. "You are a man!

And then what? "St. Peter," the third man replied, "I hid in that refrigerator."

Not pregnant

A lady jumped into a taxi and said, "Please drive to the First Obstetrics and Gynecology Hospital. Don't panic.

I work there. "

Medical/medical records

The new dean of the madhouse walked up to a patient and asked him why he was in the madhouse. The patient asked

A: "doctor, it is like this. I married a widow with an adult daughter, and my father

Married her daughter. So my wife became her father-in-law's mother-in-law and her daughter became my stepdaughter.

And a stepmother. My stepmother gave birth to a son, who became the grandson of my brother and my wife. I also

With a son, he became grandpa's brother-in-law and his uncle's uncle. the other/opposite side

When my father mentions his grandson, he says it's his brother-in-law, and my son calls his sister ancestor.

Mom. Now I think I am my mother's father, my grandson's brother, and my wife is the son of his son-in-law.

Daughter-in-law, sister of his grandson. Now I don't know if I am my grandfather, my brother's father or not.

My son's nephew, because my son is my father's brother-in-law, and that's why I'm here.

Reason. I think it is quieter here than at home. "

There is no long hair on the neck.

My husband is shaving, and my wife wants him to buy her a necklace, so she says it behind her back.

Way:

"Honey, look at my neck. There is nothing on it. "

My husband touched his neck a little inexplicably and said, "But my neck doesn't have long hair.

Ah. "

thin pancake

"You have a rare infectious disease," the doctor said to the patient.

"We want to isolate you. You can only eat pancakes. "

"Can pancakes cure my illness?"

"No, because only pancakes can be stuffed under the door."

Compensation for consulting fees

The dentist charges 50 rupees for pulling out a tooth for a child.

The child's mother was surprised and asked, "Doctor, didn't you agree to only charge ten rupees?"

"Yes, madam. But your child's shouts scared away four of my patients. "

don't worry

By the swimming pool, a child asked his mother, "Mom, mom, can I go swimming?"

Swimming? "

"My dear, of course not. The water is too deep. "

"But isn't Dad swimming?"

"Your father is in insurance, dear."

Don't wait.

In the bar, a drunk young man got entangled with some old people.

Shouting to fight with them. One of the old men said, "Come on, young man, let's have a fight."

Frame. You go out first. If I don't go out for five minutes, you can start playing! "

It's not convenient to say it directly

A shop assistant stopped the boss and said anxiously, "Chairman, I guess there is a phone call for you." "Guess what?

Think?

What is mine is mine, and guess what! "The clerk more embarrassed, stammered:

"The caller said to call the old ... old bastard ..."

Confess without being tortured

Peter's father held a party, and one of the guests had a very big nose. At the dinner table, my father looked at it.

I noticed that Peter always looked at the guest's face and stared at him for fear of his nonsense.

"Don't worry, Dad." Peter assured his father loudly, "I'm just looking at him."

Just a big nose. I will never say anything rude. "

Confess without being tortured

Barber: "Oh, how ugly your hair is! I'll give you a reason! "

Customer: "Really? You really have a good eye, you can see good or bad at a glance! "

Barber: "I am specialized in this line, and I can't see it at all." Is it ridiculous? " Come on, come on.

All right. "

Customer: "No, thanks. Didn't you see this is what you gave me last time? "

Don't make the same mistake

In a village lived a couple who were nearly forty years old. One day, my wife fainted because of a high fever.

Yes, her husband and villagers mistakenly thought she was dead. So, according to the custom of the village,

Roll his wife in with a collar pad, and everyone will carry him to the cemetery. On the way, the mat was planted next to a tree.

The branch of the big tree got stuck and his wife suddenly woke up. So they took her back to the village. After ...

The villagers were busy preparing for the funeral when his wife died. Then his wife said to everyone, "This time,

Don't go that way! "

unknown to the world

Mom: "Mary, why are your hands and face so dirty?"

Have you ever seen me wear such dirty clothes or get my hands so dirty? "

Daughter: "How can I see you when you were a child?"

horrible

"My wife gave birth to twins after reading the book Happy Brothers."

Harold said to his two colleagues.

"That's nothing." A colleague went on to say, "My wife read Dumas III.

Musketeers are born with triplets. "

Another colleague turned pale when he heard this, and he cried anxiously.

"Oh, my God! God, my wife is watching Alibaba and the Forty Thieves. I want to do it, too.

Go home at once. "

inextricability

"Honey, don't you think I look like Venus?" "Like, just the same!

It's just that I wonder why no one stole you. "

may as well

In a fashion shop in Paris. "I want to change this coat I bought from you yesterday.

Because my wife doesn't like it. ""You know, this is the most popular at present. Sir, if you don't

If you mind, I have a good suggestion. You might as well change your wife. "

Men and women

Mr. Keith caught a thief and said, "Why did you steal a woman's money and take it with you?"

"Don't be wrong, I will not only steal women, but also steal men." The thief said with grievance.

"Ahart, give you a glass of wine? Oh, no, you're in aa.

what's up ""it doesn't matter, temperance association is not meeting today! "

No matter day or night.

Policeman: "Why did you rob others?" Robber: "How can you say it's robbery?"

Sir, I just didn't have time to discuss it with others, so I used it. Policeman: "yours."

You really have a lot of courage, openly in broad daylight ... "

Robber; "Sir, my job is always day and night."

Dare not kiss

Mother: "Son, go and kiss the new teacher."

Son: "I'm not going." Dad kissed her just now and she slapped her in the face. "

unfair

A priest and a bus driver died at the same time, but the bus driver went to heaven; pastor

But he went to hell. The priest devoted his life to the church, but went to hell. He felt unfair and embraced God.

Pastor hatred: Lord! I have devoted my life to the church and take your followers to pray every Sunday.

Why am I not as good as a bus driver? Hell? God: Yes! This is because, for example,

That's why you went to hell. You take your followers to pray and preach every Sunday, but they all fall down.

Go to sleep! But the bus driver rampages in the street every day, while his passengers are praying! ! correct

plot sth unlawful

"Because more and more women advocate new simple clothes, such as miniskirts and short tooling.

Pants, "a wife is watching a news in the newspaper with relish," so the traffic on the street.

So according to statistics, it has been reduced by half. "

At this time, the husband watching TV next to him suddenly inserted:

"Then why don't you try to put an end to traffic accidents completely?"

fail

When a person goes to take a driver's license oral test, the examiner asks, "When you see a dog and"

When you are alone in front of the car, will you run over a dog or a person? "

"Of course, it's a dog." The man replied.

The examiner shook his head and said, "Come again next time!"

The man was quite unconvinced: "Can't I run over someone without running over the dog?"

"You should brake!"

Don't sleep.

A man went to see a psychiatrist and told him that he had insomnia. After some negotiations

Please, the doctor advised him to talk to himself while sleeping to hypnotize him. It would be effective.

In the evening, the man did as the doctor said, and said to his toes, "Sleep on tiptoe!" " "Say again:

"Sleep on your stomach!" "Sleep on your stomach!" Up to his eyes, and then his wife came in in her transparent pajamas.

In the room, he jumped up and shouted, "Everybody up! Everybody get up! "

be unfamiliar with

Two friends were in a bar, and one of them asked the other, "My wife doesn't know me, you."

What about the wife? The other man replied, "I don't know. She never mentioned you. "

illiteracy

A group of young people are having a drinking party in a hotel room. The hotel receptionist came to him.

The children said, "Don't make such a hullabaloo about! The gentleman next door says he can't read. "

"You tell him," said a teenager, "that he should be ashamed. I can read at the age of five.

Yes "

Don't miss the opportunity.

The newlywed wife nagged her husband who came home late, and the husband explained, "I violated it."

I was late because I violated traffic regulations. I have to go to the police station to pay 500 yuan a fine tomorrow.

Otherwise you will be detained for a week. "The wife immediately said cheerfully," this is a great opportunity for us.

The chef just resigned. You will stay there for a week, and I will use this time to find a new chef.

Teacher. "

No pass.

The train was slowly leaving the station when a young man ran down from the platform and opened the door.

After passing the car door, the stringer strode into the carriage.

Then he closed the car door, put his head out of the window and shouted to a porter, "I'm going to Finland."

Sbury Park, are you on the right bus? "Workers loudly replied," that's right, man. In Edinburgh.

Transfer back! "

Unfilial son

"I am really the unfilial son. I am more comfortable without him! " "Don't.

Come on, your father used to say the same thing about you. "

it doesn't matter

Maid: "Festus, what are you doing with a hammer?" "Faith:" Nail. "

Maid: "Don't hammer, or you'll hit your hand."

Faith: "Never mind, your son has a nail."

different

The restaurant owner said to a guest, "You feel at home here."

"Oh, dear," the guest replied, "I just came here to have a good rest.

Go down. "

Don't look at me

Susan has just been transferred from the store to the bank as a cashier. She said to her girlfriend, "Maria, now I'm

Is it not as good as before? ""Susan, why do you think so? " The girlfriend asked.

"Now people just count money and stop looking at me!

No more traffic

A child swallowed three shilling coins and his father took him to the hospital. The surgeon said

No surgery is needed. The child's father asked, "Why?" Answer: "These coins have been

It's out of date "

Don't know someone's intentions

The little daughter was reading a book, and her mother asked her, "Honey, what are you reading?"

"I don't know!"

"You don't know? Aren't you reading aloud? How can you not know? "

"Yes, I read it aloud, but I didn't listen!"

The pace is right.

Jack marched on the parade. ...

After the reviewing stand … his mother shouted, "There are so many soldiers … only my son's footsteps."

The cutting is right. "

Abnormal walking

A passenger pointed out to the hotel owner that it took an hour to walk from the station to the hotel.

He said indignantly, "Your advertisement clearly says that it only takes ten minutes from the station to the hotel."

Clock. "

The innkeeper said; "Oh, great. However, this advertisement is specially written for drivers. "

window cleaner

A beautiful girl, staying at Miami Beach Hotel, got up and put on her pajamas.

Chen Lu went to the dresser to comb her hair. In the mirror, he found the window cleaner cleaning the window.

She decided to surprise the workers, so she stood up, straightened her arms and raised her head, which was very soft.

The weak man looked at him as if he were too careless, but the worker ignored him and was still cleaning the window.

So she took off her dressing gown, wearing only a nightgown as thin as a cicada's wing, and walked two feet forward, gradually approaching.

Windows, waist swinging, hip wave gently shaking, people can imagine, but the workers still have no response.

Work as usual, there are such men who don't understand amorous feelings in the world! Finally, she even took off her robe.

He stood naked at the window, staring at the worker. The worker opened the window and said:

Ma 'am, haven't you seen the window cleaner? Now, the window is open and you can see clearly.

Point!

be oversensitive

The wife suspects that Mr. Wang is having an affair ... please find a private detective to follow him. The following is the report provided by the detective.

prosecute ...

"Your husband went to a beauty salon, a fashion shop and a teahouse this afternoon."

"He must have done something bad." "No ... madam. He's following you. "

Guess coins

Locke said to his friend, "I really don't know what the hospital is like." After I was admitted to the hospital

The doctor said I had appendicitis, and the other said I had gallstones. ""what was the result? " The friend asked.

"They argue endlessly, to outdo each other. Guess the coin verdict finally cut my almond.

Glands. "

senator

Campaign Assistant: "Senator, there is a hysterical woman yelling on the phone. She wants to know. "

What do you think of abortion? Senator: Well, tell her I'll send her the check first thing in the morning.

Get over there! "