Students' fortune telling is funny

Once upon a time there was a man named Shuang.

He is dead.

On the day of the funeral.

His family cried and said

Cool ... cool. '

Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?"

The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

2.

One day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pie and two cans of sea water.

Chicken, and then set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor and unloaded their equipment accurately.

Prepare dinner. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! "

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm so hungry, I said ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! "

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years, and finally.

I have been waiting for you! I hate being cheated!

3.

Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are named Xin, just like some people are short of water, so you are named Miao, and some people are short of wood, so you are named Sen.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

4.

A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart.

Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it?

Men are willing to listen

So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted.

W: Does it sound like a cuckoo?

Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it!

5.

The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded: * * If I don't come back, I will die! At this time, there was a snail's voice outside the door: you said that Lao Tzu would not go!

6.

One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it.

7.

Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and the ants that built their nests climbed onto the elephants one by one. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

8.

One day in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "

9. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

10. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I stupid?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

1 1.

Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch .............."

Someone can't help asking, "What's next?"

Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ... "

12.

A man who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day. He accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The foreigner was stupid and asked, "What are you sorry for?" The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry."

13.

A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King.

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast!

It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter?

Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket!

It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, or it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck!

14.

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

15.

Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." The man went back in January, and the street where he lost his money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

16.

Classic joke: One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly. It got up and straightened its front legs. The rabbit next to you is busy asking what you are doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

17.

The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.

18.

A race between the tortoise and the hare ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come on, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him: Come up, too ... So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? The snail said, hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..

19.

One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........

23.

A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf first ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ no choice but to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was angry ~ He took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !

24.

& gt My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief, so he has been sniffing. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "

25.

The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn $3. "

The doctor replied, "If you like, I can pull it out in slow motion."

26.

"Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

27.

The Weaver Girl came down to take a bath and got to know the Cowherd, and interpreted a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we must take a bath outside. .....

28.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming. "What did ants say?" Xiao Ming looked blank ... and then said, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

29.

A person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say, "Can you be quiet?" Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! ! "

30.

Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit.

3 1.

I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, it went to the appraisal column, and the expert said seriously, "Which Western Zhou did this belong to?" This is from last week!

32.

Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. ..

33.

A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county with poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... at this time, the prisoner cried, "You strangle me, it's so scary!"

34.

The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood, but Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he dare not scold him."

35.

Dung beetles and mosquitoes meet for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, give me an injection." Dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly: "Fate, I'm also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills.

36.

A man always can't find a girlfriend, but he goes to tell his fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life.

37.

When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

38.

Three mice tasted American, Japanese and China wines respectively, and the mouse who drank American wine fell down after three steps. The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat?"

39.

While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready yet?" "Just a moment, sir." "What? What are you waiting for? " The customer was very angry and said, "Is your fish fresh?"

40.

One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right!

4 1.

A man was about to jump off a building when his wife, who had just returned, shouted, "Honey, take it easy, we still have a long way to go!" " Hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this.

42.

The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't fart." Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting, "You can't afford to fart. What do you need? "

43.

A lazy cat went crazy after a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fat.

44.

Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative." Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! " Actually, I am really, really creative. ...

45.

Friends went climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: Motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law

46.

I bought two puppies before, one named you "face" and the other named myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now!

47.

After driving Wukong away, Tang Sanrou met the monster again and had to spell to call Wukong back for help. Soon, a voice came from the air: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is not in service area, please redial later.".

48.

The mouse went to the toilet. When he saw the bear, he was too scared to speak. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "Can't you shed your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! 【 Use the mouse as toilet paper. ..

49.

I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

50.

Panda's birthday, I say to you: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo.

5 1.

Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: at least people have their own houses, unlike you who live in dormitories.

An ancient poem entitled "Sleeping in Spring" by Lu You requires students to dictate.

The Chinese teacher read aloud as follows. A student dictated the following.

Wochun | I am stupid

Mume smells the flowers, | I have no culture.

Lying on a branch hurts my ass. | I have a low IQ.

Far away, lying like water, ask me who I am,

Eduardo Chun Lv. | A big donkey.

The coast is green, | I am a donkey,

The coast seems to be green, | I am a donkey,

The coast is like a dark green. | I am an ass.

One day in class, the teacher was teaching how much four times four equals, but Meng Xiao didn't go to class!

The teacher said angrily, "I ask you, what is four times four?"

Meng Xiao replied, "I ... I don't know."

"Go home and ask your parents!" The teacher severely criticized Meng Xiao.

After school, Meng Xiao went home and asked his mother (Otto's mother), "Mom, what is four times four?"

Mom didn't hear me and said, "Make a bowl of rice."

Meng Xiao then asked his father (Otto's father), "Dad, what is four times four?"

Dad just woke up and said, "It's so comfortable!"

Meng Xiao didn't ask his younger brother, who just answered the phone and said, "You make me angry!" "

The next day, Meng Xiao went to school. Yesterday, when the teacher asked questions, Meng Xiao said, "Make a bowl of rice."

The teacher hit him with a pointer, and Meng Xiao said, "It's so comfortable!"

The teacher dragged him outside to stand as punishment. Meng Xiao said, "You make me angry!" " "

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" " The teacher said angrily, "Why is it called good morning?" What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher! The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?" The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" " The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! "The students shouted," Good morning, good afternoon and good evening, teacher! "The teacher said," Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

. . . . . . The teacher walked out of the classroom with a handout.

Colleagues were on a business trip, and local colleagues were hospitable. They hosted a banquet in characteristic hotel's private room that night. After sitting down, a dozen men and women have been chatting, and only one person is ordering. After ordering, I asked everyone's opinion: "The food is ready. Is there anything else to add? " In this case, in Beijing, we usually ask the young lady to quote the name of the dish she ordered. So a buddy in Beijing said, "Miss, report it."

Miss saw his one eye, nothing happened.

"Miss, report it!" Dude, it's a little urgent.

Miss face flushed, still nothing happened.

"What? Let you report that you didn't hear it? " Dude, it's really urgent.

A female colleague hurriedly dozen circle field: "Miss, please report one by one, ah."

The young lady mumbled something and asked, "So, so ... is it okay to hold a woman instead of a man?"

"poof!" A female colleague just took a long sip of tea and sprayed it all on the person in front. A dozen people laughed, and the young lady was at a loss.

It's time to serve Let's have a mixed face lift first. A large plate of thin face was served, followed by several dishes of ingredients and sauces. Miss didn't pay attention when serving, and a drop of sauce spilled on a buddy's pants. That buddy is also deliberately teasing, pretending to be unhappy and asking the young lady: "What should I do?"

The young lady said calmly, "Whatever you want."

"What do you say?"

"What do you want to do?"

"What do you usually do here?"

"Why don't I help you?"

"Very good."

I saw the young lady quickly pour several dishes of ingredients and sauces on the rapier, holding chopsticks in one hand and spoons in the other, and stirring them with several brushes. Then he said to his buddy, "Sir, you can eat."

The buddy stared at the plate for a long time without saying anything, and another colleague said "thank you" to the lady for him.

The main course is served-roast leg of lamb, a big plate of meat bones and a plate of salt and pepper. A Beijing buddy loves this mouth so much that he grabbed a leg of lamb unceremoniously. Click is a bite, and he eats and drinks. Miss a look and said:

"Sir, this should be dipped."

The elder brothers looked puzzled at the young lady and then at the local colleagues. A local colleague said, "Let's dip it in." Dude then stood up with a leg of lamb, click is a bite.

The young lady hurried over and asked, "Do you need anything, sir?"

"ah? No. "

"Then please sit down and eat."

The buddy sat down and muttered, looking at everyone, lost. Carefully hold the leg of lamb to your mouth and take a careful bite.

The young lady added, "Sir, you should dip this."

Buddy stood up, waved a leg of lamb and shouted angrily, "How to eat standing and sitting?" ! ? "

The table is full and the leaders are here.

The house was full of greetings.

The lady next to the party is very beautiful, new, inexperienced and quite nervous.

Everyone sat down, and someone called, "Miss, tea!" "

Miss hurried forward and pointed her finger: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, seven in all!"

Everyone laughed, and the leader went on to say, "pour the tea!" "

Miss busy "down" again: "7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or 7."

Someone asked, "What are you counting?"

The young lady hesitated and whispered, "I am a dog."

Everyone was very angry and shouted, "Call your manager!" As soon as the manager came in, he put his hand down and asked with a smile, "What do you want to tell me?"

The leader said, "Don't ask any more questions. Ask about the age of this young lady."

The manager thought for a moment and answered according to his orders: "18 years old, a dog!" " "

The leader smiled and everyone laughed. It is not convenient for everyone to pursue the massive failure of leaders.

Miss and manager are like falling into the clouds.

After 30 days of drinking, a dish came up: "Stewed tortoise!"

Everyone was happy, but they didn't forget the rules. Someone dialed the king with chopsticks and said, "lead, lead!" " The leader looked at the turtle's crazy shaking head and was unhappy. He didn't want to reconcile the ending of this statement, and he didn't want to go against everyone's good wishes. He tasted the soup with a spoon and said, "Good, good! Please feel free. "

Someone said, "Yes-a turtle should have soup!" " The leader almost spat with anger.

After a while, the soup was almost finished, and a round thing surfaced and asked, "Miss, what is this?"

The young lady quickly replied, "It's an asshole." Everyone was surprised and happy: "Leaders eat first, leaders eat first!"

The leader was happy not to hear the words of "bad luck". He called the young lady: "Give it to everyone!"

For a long time, the young lady didn't move, and the leader asked angrily, "Why, is this unclear?"

The young lady said awkwardly, "How to divide seven people and six bastards?"

Everyone looked at each other, full of delicious food, hard to swallow. `

A 70-year-old aunt is driving a car and carrying three old people who are also aunts slowly along the provincial road.

The traffic stopped her and said, "Aunt, you drive so slowly, which affects the traffic."

The aunt who was driving said, "Didn't that sign say 20?"

Traffic * * said, "That's Highway 20!"

The aunt driving said, "Oh! Oh! Which highway is that, not the speed limit! "

Traffic * * said, "Yes, hey, why are the other three aunts behind you so ugly?"

The aunt who was driving replied, "We just drove from Highway 245!"

Teacher: "Most of your compositions are white."

Student: "Teacher, I wrote it in the vernacular."

The teacher said to a student who had just woken up from sleep, "I deliberately gave lectures loudly, but you deliberately slept."

"I sleep on purpose, and you make trouble on purpose." The students answered.