There is a man in the company dormitory who tramples on my bed every day. When I sleep, he will step on my bed.

1A: Why do people who love each other always like to say "I love you all my life"? Because we love each other, we must get married. After marriage, they naturally cover each other with quilts, so they are "quilts".

The husband complained that his wife shouldn't wear such expensive clothes, and the wife said, didn't you say that I look good in such clothes? The husband said: I also said that your clothes look better. Why are you not naked?

On Christmas Eve, MM hung her socks in front of the bed and made a wish: "Brother, give me the gift I want!" " "When I got up the next day, I saw a cockroach in my socks. MM said angrily, this one is too small, although I like small animals. ...

I want to tell you loudly, but I can't tell you first! Although I am very excited now, I really want to tell you, wait, calm down, I can't worry, so don't worry! Wait for me, the boss is right behind you!

Bajie raced with the car. Bajie laughed at the car and said, How can such a big iron outrun me? Bajie still lost. He looked at the car and realized that I forgot to light it!

Once I went to Haier Group for an interview, the examiner asked me, "Why do Haier brothers only wear it?" My answer shocked them all. I replied, "Because they have no money."

Someone asked, "What is team spirit?" Answer: "One monk carries water to drink, two monks carry water to drink, three monks have no water to drink, four monks play mahjong, and a hundred monks go to the farm to steal vegetables. This is it. "

I fell in love with a girl. One day, I was washing my hands in front of the bathroom, and she was washing her hands, so I got up the courage to tell her what I thought: "Did you pee on your hand, too?" So, the girl gently picked up the toilet and smashed it at me.

The wife asked her daughter's boyfriend: Did you bully my daughter when you were dating her? My daughter's boyfriend shook his head and denied: No, she bullied me first every night, and now my lumbar disc is protruding.

10 Two mice were chased into a dead end by a cat. Mother mouse learned several barks in despair and immediately scared the cat away. Mother mouse looked at the cat's back and said to the little mouse, "It's good to know a foreign language these days.

1 1A: Why do people like candlelight dinners on their wedding anniversary? B: Didn't you say that marriage is the grave of love? Marriage is the funeral of love, so people light candles to sweep the grave for love on the anniversary.

12 I left quietly, just as I came quietly, I waved my sleeve, who will settle accounts behind my back!

13 will be implemented soon. The wife asked: Do you have anything to say? Prisoner: There is nothing more to say. Wife: I'll say a few words, so listen carefully! Prisoner: Your honor, please go first!

14 The results of this competition were announced. Some people won the "most handsome on campus" award, some won the "most handsome on the street" award, and some won the "most handsome in the community" award. Congratulations!

15 Christmas. Male weasel: Honey, do you want to eat poached eggs? Mother Weasel: Yes, but we don't have any eggs. Male weasel: I heard ducks and chickens congratulate each other in the morning: Happy egg laying (Christmas). Hey, hey, I'm buying eggs for my wife tonight.

16 the new campus is in the suburbs, and the surrounding area is desolate. Everyone said there was no entertainment, and the dormitory owner solemnly said "yes". It turned out that his entertainment project was to take the leftovers from the canteen and feed them to the fish in the newly completed artificial lake on campus. Because fish is naturally happy after eating, it is named "Fish Music"!

17 asked a knowledgeable buddy how to understand the theory of relativity. Seriously, the buddy said, compare the feeling of being convenient in the toilet and waiting outside. Sweat crazily after hearing it.

Christmas Eve 18. Cause of the incident: The child accidentally broke a porcelain bowl. Mom: "Peace through the years, peace through the years!" Dad: "Good omen!" Results: Bowls were thrown everywhere, and the whole family grabbed rice with their hands!

19 In the dead of night, the robber stopped a Peng with a knife and asked, "Want money or die?" Peng: "Isn't this nonsense? Both, of course. "

When the wife came home, she said to her husband, "A Peng, a neighbor, praised him for buying a good telescope and said that she saw us in bed this afternoon ..." Husband: "Is this kind of telescope good? Can't even see his wife in bed.

2 1 deputy director Li is good at reading minds. When the director looked at his watch at the meeting, he informed the meeting that it was over. One day, the meeting was not here, and the director suddenly remembered that his wife was getting off the plane. When he looked at his watch, Deputy Director Li immediately declared the meeting over. Xiao Li, a migrant worker, came home from work in the city and claimed to be knowledgeable. One day, a man asked him, "What is a white-collar worker?" Xiao Li is impatient. "Look at you, you don't understand. White-collar workers are people who don't work with white-collar wages! "

Xiao Li, whose legs are disabled, asked in surprise, "I heard that your son is going to learn martial arts?" Neighbor: "Yes, what's wrong with that?" Xiao Li: "Oh, nothing. I think your son will come out like me. "

The waiter is a novice and can't concentrate. Suddenly, he heard the boss remind him that he had a guest, so he called in a hurry. He originally wanted to call it "one ice cream for one yuan", but he called it "one ice cream for one person" when he was nervous. His voice was strange and made everyone look askance. Unknown so.

A pervert reads a girl's palm. "Your lifeline is so long, you will live a long life, and your husband is good too. Well, what line is getting longer and longer? " Girl, "that seems to be your saliva."

A man called me "yes". When I saw the joy, I nodded and said to him, "Thank you for your compliment. Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible. Didn't you say I was invincible in disguise? I am honored to get your compliment, thank you very much. " The man collapsed directly. ......

27A: What is your dream? B: Be a woman in the world and explore the society. A: This dream is too far away. Tell me something closer. B: more work and less work. Well, this one is more difficult than the last one.

In order to lose weight, I went to consult and suggested that I use horseback riding to lose weight. So I insist on it every day, and it really works. I lost 30 pounds in a week, but I don't understand one thing: why do you insist on weighing people and horses together?

29 netizens met and asked me about my characteristics. In fact, my characteristics are obvious, that is, in the vast sea of people, you can feel innocence, purity, brightness, optimism, kindness, intellectuality, profound truth and humor at a glance.

A well-dressed man walks into the canteen step by step with his hand on the wall, and at first glance he is hungry; A few minutes later, he stepped out with his hands on the wall. Why is the buffet still not enough? No, he held on this time.

3 1 On the bus, one person stepped on another's foot. The trampled one said angrily, you are blind and can't see my feet! The tramp said, I'm not blind ... Didn't I step on it?

Your face is red and watery, and your fragrance is everywhere. Your heart is full of sweetness and beauty, and all men, women and children fall for you. You are too little, 10 minutes, my baby!

It seems that one person is responsible for the hygiene of the bathhouse, wiping the table and operating the bench. Others asked him why he worked in the bathhouse. He said that there was a lot of water in the bathhouse and bathing was free.

34A bought a pack of cigarettes in the store, which felt a little fake. When the manager came, he handed it in. There's a fire. A asks, is this a cigarette holiday? Manager, not (fake). When you encounter swine flu, you will think that it is all accidental.

I am lonely without you, with a lonely heart and nowhere to go. I always think of you, miss you and look forward to you. I really want to say to you loudly … invite me to dinner?

In English class, the English teacher asked everyone to tell a joke, and it was Xiaowen's turn. Xiaowen: I saw my big mouse chasing my kitten today. Teacher: What did the mouse say? Xiaowen looked at the teacher in surprise ~ ~ "Teacher, the mouse didn't say anything."

37 Zhang San: Why is your face purple? Lisi: I was beaten by my mother. Zhang San: What's the matter? Lisi: I bet Wang Wu that I lost. Wang Wu said I was a pig. I don't believe it. When I got home, I asked my mother, "Was I born in a pig?"

There is no distinction between men and women in kindergarten toilets. Xiaoming rose from kindergarten to primary school and found that only boys could be seen in the toilet. He wondered, "mom, all the female students have changed since they went to school, so they don't have to pee."

Two thieves want to try the ATM nearby. They were driving a car, tied with steel ropes, trying to break the ATM. As a result, the ATM machine was not broken, and the bumper on the car was broken. In desperation, two thieves drove away, and even the license plates were hung on the ATM.

40. A thief is going to play a trick on the shopkeeper nearby. He began to spy in the dark and often found two girls playing the piano. He went back to his partner and said, "Don't play tricks on his family. His family has no money, so he only uses a piano. "

4 1 Son: Dad, I'll give you a compass, which I made myself. Dad: keep it for yourself to play with, besides, I don't need it; Son: Don't you often get lost when you come out of a bar? -

Customer: "What kind of duck is this duck you came up with?" ? Why is a foot long and a foot short? Attendant: "What does that matter?" You don't want to dance with it. "

They went to a French restaurant to eat, and the waiter brought a list. The boyfriend didn't understand it, and he was afraid of losing face, so he said, OK, let's eat like this. Attendant: Sorry, this is music played by the band.

A: We have great strength. How can we prove it? A: Hens shout when they lay eggs, while geese always lay eggs quietly. B: So what? A: So everyone likes eggs better.

As soon as the criminal was caught and went to the police station, the thief said, "I'll be right back after wrapping my cigarette." : "am I that stupid? You'll run away later. How's this? You wait here and I'll help you. "

A drunk driver climbed into his car and found that the steering wheel and brakes had been stolen. He hurried over and found the driver sitting in the back row when he came.

Father on the execution ground: My child, repent for your deep sins, otherwise, the door of heaven will be closed to you. Thief: Does it matter? You know, there is no door I can't open!

Dad, the teacher told me today that like father, like son, what does this sentence mean? "You son of a bitch, you went to eat, drink and gamble again!"

In the zoo, the teacher told the visiting children to take good care of animals. A little classmate quickly replied, "I once kicked a child because he kicked his pig."

5 1 A drunk got on the wrong bus twice. The third time, he finally got on the right bus and sat for a long time. He began to wake up and found himself sitting opposite.

An old man saw that the key of the man in front had dropped. Just say, you lost your key. The man turned angrily and said, go to hell.

The rabbit lost to the tortoise in the race. It found the tortoise angrily, and we can have another game if we can. The tortoise said, "Well, last long-distance running, we'll swim this time."

A foreign tourist came to visit my Gua Tian. As he walked, he said, "In our place, oranges look like basketball and plums look like football." Just then, a melon tripped him to the ground, and I said, "Be careful to step on my grapes."

A man rushed to the insurance, "waiter, I want property insurance!" " ""What's the hurry? " "My son smokes now, and the fire will be big in the future! "

The musician made a will when he died, hoping to be buried with the flute. "God, it's a good thing he didn't learn the piano at that time." Exclaimed his wife.

Fifty-seven threes stayed in a hotel. The owner of this hotel is very stingy and has little food. Zhang San is depressed. One day, when Zhang San was eating, he saw a wet plate on the table. "Take the plate away, guest. That's your soup. "

If Shakespeare were alive now, many people would visit him. B: Nonsense, who doesn't want to see what people who have lived for more than 400 years look like?

A woman, two people seek relatives, the owner is ugly and rich, and the western family is handsome and poor. Parents asked the woman if she would like to marry that family. "I haven't made up my mind yet, but I'd better eat east and live west.

Xiao Li and his wife are playing by the sea. Xiao Li keeps an eye on every woman passing by. Wife: Honey, you are married. Xiao Li: Honey, for example, just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't read the menu.

Judge 6 1: Do you know the witness? Criminal: Yes, she is my daughter. Judge: So, what's your relationship?

Zhang San: When is your birthday? Li Si: September 9th. Zhang San: What year? Lisi: Every year.

Driver: Where to? Man: You have to drive fast to get to the airport. Driver: Catch a plane? What time is it now? Man: One o'clock Driver: Don't be ridiculous. It's half past one. M: I am the right driver.

On a rainy day, an old lady got on the bus with a dog. The old lady said, "Can I buy a ticket for my pet?" "Of course, but you must tell your pet that it must sit like a human and its feet can't be placed on the stool."

A newborn child in 65 miles smiled at birth, and everyone was curious. When they gathered around, they found their hands clenched. It was an abortion pill. Only the children said, damn it! Want to kill Lao tze? It's not that easy! ..... from

Jane doe: I hinted to my boyfriend that women like to keep things for a long time. I got the diamond ring the next day. You can do the same to your boyfriend! Woman B: I have already used this method, and I received a package of preservatives the next day.

Xiao Liang is very clever at a young age. One day, my uncle asked him, "Xiao Liang, you are very clever, but do you have any plans to invite me out of the house now?" Xiao Liang thought about it and said to his uncle, "I don't have this ability." But if you are outside, I can invite you in. My uncle didn't believe me, so he quickly went outside and said to Liang Xiao, "Now let's see how you invited me in from outside!" ! ""Liang Xiao said with a smile, "Uncle, I have invited you out of the house!" "

69 "How did you feel about dating your net friend last night?" My roommate said, "It's terrible. He always picks me up with a red flag from the 1960s." "It doesn't matter." "What's good? He was the first owner of that car. "

A classmate secretly climbed a fruit tree, and just picked one, it was discovered by the owner. "What are you doing?" "You dropped your fruit, and now I'll hang it."

7 1 Zhang San: "Last night, I took 5 liters of beer home and slipped on the stairs!" Li Si: "Did you spill all the beer?" ""no! I gritted my teeth and shut up, not a drop fell! "

A group of children playing on the mountain told Tucki to catch snakes. Tucki said, "Why don't you go?" The child said, "We will give you moral support." Tucki stood still, and the child said, "Why don't you go?" "I catch snakes spiritually."

A child saw a persimmon planted by a farmer. Child: Can I buy a red one for 50 cents? Farmer: No, that only needs one piece. The child pointed to the green one: is that okay? Farmer: All right. Child: Here is the money. I will pick it up in two weeks.

When the mosquito bites you, you say: You should go quickly, or you will die! Mosquito says to you:&; Uot dad, are you worried? Your blood flows through my body! & ampuot

Moderator: "All contestants have to wait for me to finish' Start', otherwise it will be considered invalid." But he further stated: "I must wait for my' start' to come out and grab it! Otherwise, it will be robbed in vain! "

The warden said, your family hasn't visited you for four years. Isn't that too much? Prisoner: I can't blame them either. They can't leave the prison, so naturally they can't come to see me.

Three prisoners argued about who should go to prison first. There was no plane when I came. B: I've never seen a train before when I came. C: What is a train?

On Highway 78, a young man drove in a hurry and was stopped by the traffic police. "Am I driving too fast?" "No, you are flying too low."

A man farted on the bus. A wanted to scold him, but it was hard to say. At this time, the conductor asked, "Who has no ticket?" A suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "There is no ticket for fart!" " "A fat woman stood up and said," I have got the ticket! " "

Someone asked the soldier, "Why did you run when you saw the enemy?" The soldier said, "We are not afraid of the enemy. I know that the earth is round, and I intend to fire behind the enemy. "

8 1 ",what gymnastics is the most effective for me to lose weight? ""Keep turning your head to the left and then to the right. "Go ahead. "When is the best time to do it?" "You can eat whenever you want."

Pumbaa: Look, why are those people running? Lele: Because the first runner can win the prize. Pumbaa: That's right! But why did the second athlete run? Lele: Well ... I don't know.

83 Zhang San: Hey, why are you so depressed? Well, my kitten is missing. Zhang San: Why not post a notice? Lisi: Don't be silly, the kitten can't read!

Zhang San: You came last in yesterday's competition. How do you feel? Lisi: I feel very good. I'm chasing the little bastard in front!

85 athletes relay race, Zhang San: Look, the first stick runs really fast! Li Si: Shit, look at those people behind him. They chased him desperately with sticks. It is strange that they were slow and didn't get killed. A stingy couple learned to drive. When the car went downhill, the brakes suddenly failed. "Oh, my God! The car can't stop. " The wife shouted, "What should I do?" Husband said: "Our goal now is to find a cheap taxi!" "

A man stole a chicken and was plucking its hair. As soon as he came, the thief threw the chicken into the river. Q: What did you throw into the river? Thief: That chicken crossed the river. I look after his clothes here.

One morning, the army checked the military capacity, and the officer on duty asked a soldier, "Why don't you shave?" The soldier replied, "Eight men robbed a mirror this morning. I must have scratched someone else's face. "

Judge: Why are you wearing a watch? The thief argued: I just want to know the time. Judge: Do you want to know the time? All right, two years in prison. Thief: Shit, it's worth so long ...

They went to a restaurant, ordered two drinks and then took out their own bread to eat. When the shopkeeper saw it, he hurried over and said, you can't eat your own food here. The two exchanged bread and continued to eat.

9 1 Meimei loves to cry. Grandma was upset by the noise, so she coaxed her into saying, be good, don't cry! When a girl cries, her face becomes ugly. She looked at her grandmother for a long time and then asked, Grandma, how many times have you cried?

92 Peng is very thin. Once, a fat man joked with him: Hello, Peng, I knew there was a famine when I met you. A Peng replied: Fat man, I knew the cause of the famine as soon as I saw you.

Judge 93: Last month, you stole an amazing number of cars. Thief: So, your judgment on me is wrong. If you give me some more time, I guarantee that the traffic jam problem in our city can be completely solved.

Jenny is the head of a kindergarten. One day, Jenny's two-year-old son made trouble in kindergarten. Jenny said to her assistant, "I should call him a thug, but for my son's sake, I said he has" potential leadership skills. " "

95 recruits parachuted, but one of them refused to go down. The monitor wouldn't let him talk, so he kicked him out. Behind a few recruits laughed, the monitor shouted, what's so funny? A recruit said that he was the pilot of this plane.

A tyrant specializes in killing fortune tellers. One day, he will kill fortune tellers. Fortune teller: Your Majesty, you will die in three days. Try if you don't believe me. Upon hearing this, the king ordered heavy troops to protect the fortune teller.

My son came back late from the reunion, so his mother asked him what time it was. My son said it was 1. Just then, the clock struck three times. His mother said, how did our clock stutter?

In 1998, 80 people went to enlist as soldiers. The instructor said, "You are too old to be a soldier." The old man said, "If this doesn't work, I'll apply for an officer!" "

In order to determine whether the mental patient is cured, the dean: fill the bathtub with water, put a spoon next to it and ask for the water to be taken out; Reporter: Oh! I see. Normal people use spoons. Dean: No, normal people will put the bathtub down.

A young man with an inflamed throat was treated. He asked, "Can I speak English when my voice is good?" Answer: "Of course." "Your medicine is amazing. I have never spoken a word of English. "