joke book

Driver: "I don't think I can drive well. This is outrageous! I have been doing this for ten years. The passengers didn't say a word

If you are dissatisfied with me! 」

Guest: "Really? What kind of car do you drive? 」

Driver: "hearse! 」

___

Add it up.

A fifty-year-old woman. Dressed up. Charming and beautiful, as if she were a teenager.

At a banquet. The old woman met a great writer … she asked, "I said great writer." Do you think I look

How old are you? "

The great writer replied, "Madam, your talk is as innocent and lively as a 14-year-old girl, and your manners are light and charming."

Like a 16-year-old girl ... and this whole body is full of youthful vitality. No more than twenty years old. "

Hearing this, the old woman was happy. I almost embraced this great writer with joy …

She immediately raised her voice and asked, "Then can you tell me how old I am?"

"Oh. Hmm! ! Just add up the three figures I mentioned. "

___

Power failure; blackout

The typhoon blacked out at night …

Roommate a: water and electricity are cut off, so boring!

Roommate b: yes!

A: Doubt? Isn't there a game on the computer

B: Yes!

Let's play video games.

Power failure, miss!

We can light candles! Not too dark!

b:# $ %($(* %)#(%)(% _ &； *%($^*

___

Red wine and white wine

There was a man who had a wife, and one day he married a little wife. He made an appointment with the first wife and the second wife: if we eat together in the future,

Drinking red wine is sleeping with the first wife; Drinking white wine is sleeping with the little wife.

On the first night introduced by the youngest wife, he drank white wine. The next night, he said, well, white wine tastes really good!

So he drank white wine again. On the third day, he said: Wow! The more liquor you drink, the better it tastes! So he drank white again.

Wine.

On the fourth day, he added: white wine is really better than red wine! The first wife couldn't stand it anymore and was very angry.

Really say: ah, you don't drink red wine, do you want to leave red wine for the guests to drink?

___

returned scholar from abroad

Some people came back from studying abroad, and one day they visited department stores and took the elevator …

Someone: What floor?

Elevator lady: Second.

It suddenly occurred to someone that he was at home,

Then he said to himself, why should I speak English?

The elevator lady was startled: I don't know! !

___

marry late

After only five months of marriage, my wife gave birth to a chubby boy for nothing. Wen Fu asked suspiciously, "This child is here."

Isn't it a little early? ""No, "replied the wife." We got married a little late. "

___

Luck and adventure

Women are taking chances, men are taking risks.

___

Mechanical replication

Husband: What's the matter with you? This beef pie is undercooked.

Wife: But I made it according to the recipe. The recipe is for four people, but there are only two of us.

People,

So I lost half the material, and of course the burning time was half less than that in the book.

___

Don't sleep.

A man went to see a psychiatrist and told him that he had insomnia. After some discussion, the doctor advised him to sleep.

Hypnosis by talking to yourself while sleeping will be effective.

At night, the man did as the doctor said, and said to his toes, "Sleep on tiptoe!" " "he said," sleep standing up! " "legs

Sleep! While talking about his eyes, his wife came into the room in her transparent pajamas. He jumped up and shouted, "big!

Get up at home! Everybody up! "

Drunk people buy vases.

___

A drunk walked into a shop askew to buy a vase. I saw an inverted cup on the counter. Pick it up and have a look.

After reading it, he said strangely, why doesn't this vase have a mouth to turn the cup upside down and say that it doesn't even have a bottom!

___

A true joke

One day, a man who looks like Pan An and a man who is not rough are talking to Jane Doe.

A said, "B, flies dare not land on your face."

B asked, "Why?"

A said, "I'm afraid of spraining my ankle."

Women smile.

B said, "flies dare not land on your face."

A asked, "Why?"

B said, "Your face is so slippery that even flies are afraid of chopping."

___

secret

Woman A: "She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

Woman B: "I specifically told her not to tell you that I told her."

Woman A: "God, don't tell her again. I told you everything she told me. "

___

The diversity of computer languages often makes us programmers confused about which one to use. The next one is small.

This meeting will help to dispel your doubts.

Mission: Shoot yourself in the foot.

C: Shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally generated a bunch of your own examples, so you had to lift a rock one by one and drop it on your own feet. Emergency rescue is

Impossible, because you don't know which is your real copy and which is just a pointer to you.

Fortran: You pat your toes one by one, and go back and forth until you have patted all your toes, and then read them.

One foot, repeat. You have to keep shooting when you run out of bullets, because you have no accident handling mechanism.

Pascal: The compiler doesn't allow you to do this.

Ada: After you carefully packed your feet, you tried to bounce, pull the trigger and scream in parallel.

Lift a rock and drop it on your own feet. However, when you try it, you find that your feet are the wrong type.

You shoot your limbs with a gun.

Fourth place. I took my own feet.

Prolog: You told the program that you wanted to shoot yourself in the foot. The program will automatically find a specific plan, but it doesn't matter.

The law forbids you to tell these plans.

Basic: You hit yourself in the foot with a water gun. If it is a large system, repeat until your lower body is submerged.

Immersion.

Visualbasic: You just pretend that you shot your foot. But you think it's

It's more interesting to do, so it doesn't matter whether you shoot it or not.

unix:

%lsfoot .cfoot .hfoot .otoe .ctoe .o

%rm* .o

RM: 1000 .onosuchfileordirectory

%ls

%

Paradox: Not only will you shoot yourself in the foot, but so will your users.

Enter: You pointed the gun at your foot, but the bullet was marked borland on the side.

There is a hole in the floppy disk with words on it.

Assembler: You tried to shoot yourself in the foot, only to find that you had to make your own gun first.

Bullets, sights, and your feet.

Modula2: When you finally realize that you can't do anything with this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

___

A young lady was sitting in a stalled car, waiting for someone to help. Finally, two men came to her.

"I'm out of gasoline. Can you help me push the car to the gas station? " The two immediately stepped forward and pushed the cart hard.

So they pushed the cart a few blocks. After a while, an exhausted man looked up and saw them.

Just passed a gas station. "Why don't you turn in the car?" He shouted. "I will never go there."

The lady replied loudly, "The service attitude there is not good."

___

A and B are both excellent baseball players. One day, they discussed a question: Is there a baseball team in heaven?

So they met, and whoever went to heaven first told each other the answer. As a result, B unfortunately went to heaven first.

Don't. Of course, A is very sad. One day, B came back to find A. A was happy to see B and asked B that.

Question: B says there is good news and bad news, which should you listen to first? A said, let's listen to the good news first, and B said, Oh, my God.

Don has a baseball team. A said, that's good What is the bad news? B said: You are the starting pitcher tomorrow. A: ...

___

welcome

Hey!

Have you ever held a wrong ceremony? ...

There are ...

For example, in order to …

Classmates, students, soldiers ... and so on.

It must be too much. ...

But the funniest thing I have ever seen is ... the postman.

I once came back from a restaurant with my classmates.

So is the student next to me. ...

So for the postman coming towards us,

With the highest respect.

I said ... very good, sir. ...

Suddenly, the students all laughed.

A voice came from behind.

Young ... playing with treasures!

___

Tell sb's fortune

Zhu: Do you believe in horoscope fortune telling?

We Virgos,

Don't just believe in horoscope fortune telling!

___

lighthouse

"On a military guide patrolling the far sea, on a foggy night, not far ahead of the military guide,

It seems that there is still a military guidance, so the signal "the ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees" is issued. After a while, the other side came.

There was a signal-"the ship ahead moved to the left 15 degrees", which was very strange to the patrol officer, so he sent another signal-

"The ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk." Soon after, the other party also sent a signal.

"The ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk." This time, the patrol learned that the fire was too big and sent a signal again.

In the past-"The ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk. This is the Military Guide to Combat Patrol. It's too big.

After about 1 minute, the signal light came. "The ship ahead moves to the left 15 degrees, otherwise the consequences will be at your own risk. Here it is. "

Lighthouse. " 』

___

erotic

In Tainan, I often buy supper at midnight. Once, I went to Shengli Road to buy food at one o'clock in the middle of the night and rode back to my residence.

A strange man riding a motorcycle followed him and said to me:

Miss, may I treat you to a midnight snack? What I have is not food. ) I just laughed.

Miss, come on, make friends! I'm so scared! )

Miss, do I seem to know you? Are you from the Department of Business Administration? 〃 (Wow ~ ~ ~)

In this way, I was followed to the door of my residence and called someone else to see it-a blind pervert!

He doesn't know I'm a man yet. Alas ~ three seconds of silence for him ~ ~ ~

___

How can ants see?

Speaking of ... the summer after the typhoon.

Inadvertently, many ants who took refuge were stationed in the dormitory.

Xue Jie: Xue Jie is terrible! How terrible! There are ants in my candy …

Junior: Then seal it up a little.

the next day ...

Senior: Senior! How terrible! How terrible! Ants are amazing!

I put the sugar on the cupboard yesterday.