What humorous jokes are there?

1. In the morning, I went to the vegetable market to buy food. I asked the vendor: Have you used pesticides for this dish? The peddler thought for a moment and said, I don't think he can beat it.

2. Playing the game of hitting the back of the hand with a female colleague, I accidentally caught her hand and broke a little skin. Then the female colleague took out her mobile phone with a serious face. Just when I thought she was going to take a photo and send it to a circle of friends to accuse me, I saw her searching online: Is it necessary to get rabies vaccine after being caught by single dog?

I found a fortune teller to calculate a divination for me. He looked at it and said, Brother, you must have been born in the early hours of the morning. I'm surprised: how can you calculate so accurately? He stroked his beard and said that it was ugly from one to three in the morning.

One of my classmates sold a house in Beijing some time ago, and it's useless for the family to stop it. Asked why, he said: I can't live in this suite in the future, I can't afford it. It is better to buy more than a dozen sets in your hometown county. I'd rather be a chicken head than a phoenix tail! I didn't figure it out until I heard that he opened a bath center two days ago!

6. One day I asked Mom, Mom, what am I to you? My mother gave me a look. Fucking retarded.

7. After a long flight of more than ten hours, I finally arrived in Los Angeles, USA. In the United States, I smelled that the air they said was particularly sweet and there was no smog at all, so I took off the thick mask I wore at home and put on a thick bulletproof vest!

8. When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

9. Lao Wang's daughter-in-law is lying in my arms, pointing to the parrot in the bird cage and saying, you are gone, get rid of it. When Lao Wang came back, she said that she had flown away. I asked, why? Lao Wang's daughter-in-law: This parrot can talk. When Lao Wang comes back, he will tell our story. So I took the parrot home. I'll be away on business soon, and I'll be back in half a month. As soon as I entered the door, my wife told me, Lao Li, no, your parrot flew away from me: Ah ~

10, I saw a fat tramp just now, and I asked him: As a tramp, why are you still so fat? He said: Because I can't afford to go to the gym.

165438+ I thought I hadn't ordered yet. No point? Then you go to the street and know that you can't pee anywhere and take off your pants and go there to play?

12, in the company bathroom, I heard a male colleague talking on the phone. I cried very sadly, only to hear him say: the most tragic thing in the world is not to be broken up, but to make up after three days of breaking up and find that my girlfriend has learned a new posture.